I was presenting an assembly for kids grades 3-8 while on book tour for the third PRINCESS ACADEMY book.
Me: âSo many teachers have told me the same thing. They say, âWhen I told my students we were reading a book called PRINCESS ACADEMY, the girls saidâââ
I gesture to the kids and wait. They anticipate what Iâm expecting, and in unison, the girls scream, âYAY!â
Me: â'And the boys saidââ
I gesture and wait. The boys know just what to do. They always do, no matter their age or the state they live in.
In unison, the boys shout, âBOOOOO!â
Me: âAnd then the teachers tell me that after reading the book, the boys like it as much or sometimes even more than the girls do.â
Audible gasp. They werenât expecting that.
Me: âSo itâs not the story itself boys donât like, itâs what?â
The kids shout, âThe name! The title!â
Me: âAnd why donât they like the title?â
As usual, kids call out, âPrincess!â
But this time, a smallish 3rd grade boy on the first row, who I find out later is named Logan, shouts at me, âBecause itâs GIRLY!â
The way Logan said âgirly"âŚso much hatred from someone so small. So much distain. This is my 200-300th assembly, Iâve asked these same questions dozens of times with the same answers, but the way he says âgirlyâ literally makes me take a step back. I am briefly speechless, chilled by his hostility.
Then I pull it together and continue as I usually do.
âBoys, I have to ask you a question. Why are you so afraid of princesses? Did a princess steal your dog? Did a princess kidnap your parents? Does a princess live under your bed and sneak out at night to try to suck your eyeballs out of your skull?â
The kids laugh and shout âNo!â and laugh some more. We talk about how girls get to read any book they want but some people try to tell boys that they can only read half the books. I say that this isnât fair. I can see that theyâre thinking about it in their own way.
But little Logan is skeptical. Heâs sure he knows why boys wonât read a book about a princess. Because a princess is a girlâa girl to the extreme. And girls are bad. Shameful. A boy should be embarrassed to read a book about a girl. To care about a girl. To empathize with a girl.
Where did Logan learn that? What does believing that do to him? And how will that belief affect all the girls and women he will deal with for the rest of his life?
At the end of my presentation, I read aloud the first few chapters of THE PRINCESS IN BLACK. After, Logan was the only boy who stayed behind while I signed books. He didnât have a book for me to sign, he had a question, but he didnât want to ask me in front of others. He waited till everyone but a couple of adults had left. Then, trembling with nervousness, he whispered in my ear, âDo you have a copy of that black princess book?â
He wanted to know what happened next in her story. But he was ashamed to want to know.
Who did this to him? How will this affect how he feels about himself? How will this affect how he treats fellow humans his entire life?
We already know that misogyny is toxic and damaging to women and girls, but often we assume it doesnât harm boys or mens a lick. We think weâre asking them to go against their best interest in the name of fairness or love. But that hatred, that animosity, that fear in little Logan, that isnât in his best interest. The oppressor is always damaged by believing and treating others as less than fully human. Always. Nobody wins. Everybody loses.Â
We humans have a peculiar tendency to assume either/or scenarios despite all logic. Obviously itâs NOT âeither men matter OR women do.â Itâs NOT âwe can give boys books about boys OR books about girls.â Itâs NOT âmen are important to this industry OR women are.âÂ
Itâs not either/or. Itâs AND.
We can celebrate boys AND girls. We can read about boys AND girls. We can listen to women AND men. We can honor and respect women AND men. And And And. I know this seems obvious and simplistic, but how often have you assumed that a boy reader would only read a book about boys? I have. Have you preselected books for a boy and only offered him books about boys? Iâve done that in the past. And if not, Iâve caught myself and others kind of apologizing about it. âI think youâll enjoy this book EVEN THOUGH itâs about a girl!â They hear that even though. They know what we mean. And they absorb it as truth.
I met little Logan at the same assembly where I noticed that all the 7th and 8th graders were girls. Later, a teacher told me that the administration only invited the middle school girls to my assembly. Because Iâm a woman. I asked, and when theyâd had a male author, all the kids were invited. Again reinforcing the falsehood that what men say is universally important but what women say only applies to girls.
One 8th grade boy was a big fan of one of my books and had wanted to come, so the teacher had gotten special permission for him to attend, but by then he was too embarrassed. Ashamed to want to hear a woman speak. Ashamed to care about the thoughts of a girl.
A few days later, I tweeted about how the school didnât invite the middle school boys. And to my surprise, twitter responded. Twitter was outraged. I was blown away. Iâve been talking about these issues for over a decade, and to be honest, after a while you feel like no one cares.Â
But for whatever reason, this time people were ready. I wrote a post explaining what happened, and tens of thousands of people read it. National media outlets interviewed me. People who hadnât thought about gendered reading before were talking, comparing notes, questioning what had seemed normal. Finally, finally, finally.
And thatâs the other thing that stood out to me about Loganâhe was so ready to change. Eager for it. So open that heâd started the hour expressing disgust at all things âgirlyâ and ended it by whispering an anxious hope to be a part of that story after all.Â
The girls are ready. Boy howdy, weâve been ready for a painful long time. But the boys, theyâre ready too. Are you?
Iâve spoken with many groups about gendered reading in the last few years. Here are some things that I hear:
A librarian, introducing me before my presentation: âGirls, youâre in for a real treat. Youâre going to love Shannon Haleâs books. Boys, I expect you to behave anyway.â
A book festival committee member: âLast week we met to choose a keynote speaker for next year. I suggested you, but another member said, âWhat about the boys?â so we chose a male author instead.â
A parent: âMy son read your book and he ACTUALLY liked it!â
A teacher: âI never noticed before, but for read aloud I tend to choose books about boys because I assume those are the only books the boys will like.â
A mom: âMy son asked me to read him The Princess in Black, and I said, âNo, thatâs for your sister,â without even thinking about it.â
A bookseller: âIâve stopped asking people if theyâre shopping for a boy or a girl and instead asking them what kind of story the child likes.â
Like the bookseller, when I do signings, I frequently ask each kid, âWhat kind of books do you like?â I hear what youâd expect: funny books, adventure stories, fantasy, graphic novels. Iâve never, ever, EVER had a kid say, âI only like books about boys.â Adults are the ones with the weird bias. Weâre the ones with the hangups, because we were raised to believe thinking that way is normal. And we pass it along to the kids in sometimes overt (âPut that back! Thatâs a girl book!â) but usually in subtle ways we barely notice ourselves.
But we are ready now. Weâre ready to notice and to analyze. Weâre ready to be thoughtful. Weâre ready for change. The girls are ready, the boys are ready, the non-binary kids are ready. The parents, librarians, booksellers, authors, readers are ready. Timeâs up. Letâs make a change.
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