Hiding From Reality

I absolutely love it, it's completely free and you get to support your local libraries by getting their library cards and showing usage of their electronic catalog.

I'm having more difficulty dealing with Dads death then I thought, feeling trapped in my own skin and feeling that urge to just run for it.

I told my current counselor this and she asked why I hadn't made any major jarring changes. Like a drastic hair cut or dying it a color my father would have verbally disapproved of but then would pay to have my roots touched up every few weeks with a smile. She said if I felt that urge to plan it out and do it. Getting that permission killed the urge to do it for a while. But today is the first Mother's Day without him. No suprise cookie delivery at work, no him and my husband taking my daughter to shop for me and mom. And I could feel that urge rising.

But my little brain finally wants to put effort into a plot bunny I've had ever since the nightmare that was seasons 7&8 happened.

My dad is dead. The funeral is set, we've done the whole funeral home thing.

Note to self, death is expensive. Dad pre planned, and prepaid for his funeral. We only had to pay like $200 instead of $16,000. Going through everything, all the pictures and memories I started to remember the gold about Dad. Realizing how much we lost due to his Parkinson's we didn't recognize.

I got remember the good about my dad, the bad was still there. But it helped reframe things to not be so skewed on the negative direction.

I have counseling set up after it's all said and done.

I get to put down the resentment, the anger. And grieve my Dad.

I don't have to carry it anymore.

Dad put a lot of negative out in the world the last few years, but not enough to outweigh the good he did.

Mom made the call today, everyone should be down by Monday. And I'm going to work. Mainly because I have to but I can't sit there and watch them hover over him. I do t think he's there anymore. As much as I hated him towards the end I think whatever if left of him has already moved on. That spark that made dad Dad. His systems are failing slowly. He's completely non responsive, and when his eyes do open from sharp stimulation there's nothing there.

I thought I was done grieving for the most part but now? I guess I'm grieving all the time lost because he was just so hateful and sanctimonious. How much of my life he never knew because I knew he'd use it to hurt me. Grieving for the Dad I wished he was all the time, not just when he had an audience. I'm grieving for the Dad my older brothers got.

And I guess I'm grieving for losing one of the constants in my life, for good or bad Dad was always there. I knew I could call him no matter what but the aftermath would be awful.

Dad. We haven't been close in a long time. You've been overly attached to my daily trying to redo the parenting years, verbally abusive to Mom and me, aggressive with complete strangers, and playing the ever pious friend at your church. You were a Vietnam Veteran who refused treatment for his, now extremely obvious, PTSD. Your worked as much as you could, hating that mom's nursing career was what kept us afloat. You took me camping, and you screamed at me over math homework until I vomited from stress. You encouraged me to work out at a gym until I threw up at 14 and bought me a full new wardrobe when my eating disorder helped me lose 100lbs. Then you kept the house stocked with junk food. You helped me pack my entire apartment in under two hours and paid over a thousand dollars at the drop of a hat to get me away from my abusive ex and never said a word about it again, like I'd never left home. You were the person I was most afraid of and the one I knew I could call at any time for help.

You were not a safe person, and at the same time the safest person for so many others. I don't have many good memories of you and me growing up. You taking me and my best friend fishing. Going to see Pocahontas in the theater, going to see Aladdin. That's about it. 3 maybe 4 good memories in 34 years. I watch my brothers fawn over you and it makes me want to vomit. They haven't been here to see you get sick. They think it's just been the last year but it's been the last 7 at least. Your increased paranoia, anger, the verbal and emotional abuse twoards mom. Twoards me. The dramatic increase in your xenophobia, or maybe just me seeing it more. Since we're actively trying to NOT raise my daughter like that.

She won't have the same fear of food and food hoarding I did. She won't look at her self at 8 and think she's disgusting. She won't be terrified to ask for help on homework because of undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia because it would "look bad". She will know the "drop everything and come running" kind of support, she will know the be at every event and award no matter how small, she will know I'm there.

When you were trying to be a good dad you were, when you were trying to be a Good dad according to Fox News you were a nightmare.

You taught me a lot of things NOT to do, how not to treat my child in the midst of a depressive episode, how to not treat my partner. You also taught me to pay attention to the small things about my partner, down to their preferred ketchup brand. How Mom likes her hot tea or her favorite color and shape of Peeps. How she tries to make her box of Christmas Cherries last only to find a brand new box once it's empty,

I'll never understand the Jekyll and Hyde, but I know enough now to recognize self medicated PTSD. After all I married it. You did teach me hard work is essential in healthy relationships, and we're both putting the work in.

Over the last six months I've watched you slip into your own personal hell. Trapped inside your body, unable to move, barely able to speak more than a whisper. For someone who demanded such absolute control now you have absolutely none. The career of your wife you would complain about has kept you alive and comfortable in your home. Your Hospice nurses and Aides are the very people you ranted about earlier this year. Their compassion and kindness has helped Mom tremendously.