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â [°â°] about ; main masterlist
â§ RECENT ONESHOT. Lost in Our Future ; Sunwoo
â§ ONGOING AU. N/A

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to. my first â k. sunwoo
pairing: kim sunwoo x fem! reader
genre: 90s au. twenty-five twenty-one au, friends to lovers au, exes to lovers au. fluff, slice of life, coming of age, suggestive. highschool au, football player! sunwoo, baker! sunwoo. cheerleader! reader. first love au. what we call wet cat sunwoo. meeting your ex after years and falling back in love with him kind of thing.
warnings: alcohol, throwing up, swearing, reader has hair long enough for a ponytail, a heated make out session or two that alludes to them having sex but no actual smut happens, finger sucking, the reader moping around a lot, no plot just vibes.
word count: 31k
a/n: inspired by me telling @/csenke that sunwoo is my first love. why am i so soft for this man i truly dont know... thank you best friend for betaing this monster i appreciate it a LOT! also thank you to sana @/heemingyu and izzy @/from-izzy for the help on some parts of the fic and brainstorming the ending w me, as well as beta reading small parts of this.
spin-off to my fic millennium bug because sunwoo deserves love too! the reader from eric's fic is referenced to as MB!Y/N in this. you don't have to read the first fic to understand this one, but there are a lot of references in this and i highly encourage you to do so!
they say you never forget about your first love. you guess that's true. (orâ a story about reckless love, first kisses, growing up, ambition, and inevitably, failure.)
August 2007
The laughter all around is electric. The music playing in the background makes you sway and hum to the melody, the familiar tunes making your insides light up with a different sense of nostalgia when you remember the times in which these songs were popular. Your tired limbs make you cut your way through the room and sit down on a vacant chair, not really caring about where your designated seat was anymore, just needing to rest for a second before you either throw up from exhaustion or faint from how tired your legs are from all the dancing. Paying a quick goodbye to Juyeon on the dance floor, you heave out a satisfied sigh when your bottom meets the cushioned seat of the chair, eyes zeroing on the filled dance floor.
Feeling a cramp in your foot, you scowl and lean down, ready to do the thing youâve been desiring for at least the last three hoursâ if not the whole day. Hands playing with the strap on your heel, you make the shoe come undone before you slip the uncomfortable footwear off your feet, relaxing when your naked limbs meet with the cold tile on the floor.Â
You donât really know who in their right mind would have a wedding in the middle of the summer heat, but you guess there are people that are out of their mind like thatâ and those people are your friends from high school.Â
Everything about coming back to your hometown has made you feel unpleasantly nostalgic so farâ the streets havenât changed a bit, your childhood home still looks just the same, furniture unmoved, and the air is still as crisp, yet humid as it always was during late August. Itâs only tonight that finally makes the weird bittersweetness turn into joy. Youâre back home with everyone youâve ever known, with everyone whoâs made you into who you are today. Youâre seeing all their faces for the first time in agesâ and frankly, it does feel good.Â
The satisfaction in your veins stays for a bit until a figure dressed in a suit comes into your point of view. Itâs not like youâre seeing him for the first time tonightâ heâs a big character, even when it comes to this wedding, so itâs hard to not notice himâ but as his legs take him towards you in a wobbly nature, it dawns on you that now is maybe finally the time you get to talk to him. Donât get me wrongâ there are no hard feelings between the two of you (or at least you donât have any, youâre not so sure about his side of the story). Itâs just that seeing him dressed in a tux, tie now a little loose around his neck, the twinkle in his eye still present as back when you were both a lot younger, thereâs still a strong aftertaste of your feelings towards him somewhere on the tip of your tongue.Â
His walk is a little lopsided as he grins at you and takes a seat on the vacant chair next to yours, a huff of air escaping his lungs as his body relaxes, limbs falling freely down the sides of his chair. His cheeks are a little red and his hair a little messyâ thereâs only so much to explain his composure apart from all the dancing heâs done.
âSo I see that you still canât handle your liquor well even after all those years?â you joke, making the boy turn his head to face you, an amused twinkle appearing in his smile.Â
His eyes are still the same chocolate orbs you know, still the same soft look adorning them whenever he feels particularly ecstatic. He shrugs, jolting his bottom lip out before he sighs to himself. âWell, itâs not every day you are the best man at your best friendâs and your sisterâs wedding,â he muses, shrugging.Â
Laughing at his remark, once again taking in the state of the roomâ Juyeon, Hyunjae and Haknyeon each dancing somewhere in the middle of the dance floor, MB!Y/Nâs friends from university twirling her around in the right corner, Eric staring at the bride with a warm gaze in his eyes, sipping on a drink while resting against one of the tables, clearly taking a mental image to look at every time he feels the need toâ it all feels kind of surreal. Who wouldâve thought all those years ago that it would end like this?
Well, Eric Sohn, for starters. He confessed to everyone in his wedding speech that he knew he wanted to marry MB!Y/N the moment she kissed him on New Yearâs Eve of 1999â him being this cheesy was only acceptable because it was his own wedding. In any other circumstance, Sunwoo wouldnât be able to let his best friend live this down.
Itâs not like you ever expected those two to break upâ it just makes you a little in awe at how fast time is passing. âItâs kinda crazy, isnât it?â you hum, squinting at the flood of people on the dance floor.
âIt is,â Sunwoo hums, tonguing the inside of his cheek, âstill canât believe theyâre dating. Hell, theyâre getting married right nowâŠâÂ
âYou canât believe your sister is dating your best friend?â you laugh, wiping the sweat thatâs accumulated off your forehead, the mist appearing there both because of your reckless dancing and because of the unbearable heat of the August night.
âThat, and also the other way around,â he hisses, âbut I guess theyâre both so insufferable that they go well together, so I donât know why Iâm still so surprised.â
Chuckling at his commentâ you guess the bond he has with his sister is never to be changed, no matter how many years have passedâ you watch as he shrugs off his suit jacket and throws it over the back of his chair, starting to roll up his sleeves to expose his forearms. Eyes following his motions, you clear your throat and force yourself to look back into his eyes when he asks you a question. âWhat about you, though? Are you enjoying yourself?â
âI am,â you nod, no hesitation, âitâs really nice to see all of you after so long. Plus, Iâm having a lot of fun, so thatâs a nice bonus."Â
âI can see that,â he grins, âby the way you sat on my seat just now, and allââÂ
âOh godâ Iâm sorry,â you gasp, suddenly feeling a little silly. And here you thought he went up to you because he wanted to catch up⊠âIâll move, ifââ
The sound of Sunwooâs hearty laugh lands into your earâ itâs just the same as it was back when you were both high schoolers, making your heart soarâ before he shakes his head and urges you to stay with a motion of his hand, putting his large palm on your thigh to keep you from moving. âNo, no, donât be stupid,â he says, âI donât mind. I was looking for you anyway, so you just made it easier for me by sitting here, actually.â
He was looking for you, resonates in your head, the familiar buzzing in your fingertips alerting you of the effect he has on you even tonight. God, maybe you were the one that had too much to drinkâŠ
âYou were?â you ask, tone of voice lightâ not at all suspicious.Â
Sunwoo nods, shrugging. âWell, I guess we have a lot of catching up to do,â he smiles, âdonât we?âÂ
Eyes meeting his, the contact feels electrifying to the point it makes your head spin when you look at him, taking in his glossy eyes and the flush of his cheeks. Theyâre less round than when you two were young, but his eyes still stay the sameâ big, round and tender.
He reminds you a lot of the time when you saw him drunk for the first time.
to. my first time getting drunk
April 1999
Havoc rings in his ears like jingle bells, the world around him spinning like heâs on a rollercoaster. His head feels like someone is installing a nail to the middle of his skull and when he looks around, Lee Donghyuck is staring at him with a glass bottle of soju in his hand, urging him to drink more.
Sunwoo doesnât have it in him to do much else other than shake his head. It feels like he forgot all his vocabulary, not a single word coming out of his mouth or to the awake parts of his brain, watery eyes begging his classmate to not make him drink any more.Â
What seemed like a good idea just a few moments agoâ see, itâs prohibited to drink on school trips, but Kim Sunwoo is infamous for loving to break the rulesâ now seems like the worst idea of his whole entire life. He feels so sick he thinks heâs going to die of alcohol poisoning, but the laughter around keeps painfully reminding him that he hasnât even had that much to drink in the first place. The amount of times heâs been called a lightweight this night is making his pride severely hurt, and even graciously intoxicated, he canât bear the sting this is putting on his already hurt ego.Â
âCome on, birthday boy! Iâm sure you can handle one more,â Donghyuck urges, uncurling Sunwooâs fist and placing the bottle into his grasp, making the poor boy wince and battle back tears.Â
He knows heâs being embarrassing. The choice between not dying and not humiliating himself is rather a difficult one, but the moment he finally finishes the crossword puzzle in his brain and puts the glass opening against his lips, the bottle is thankfully taken out of his grasp and discarded somewhere where his eyes canât reach.
âYouâre done for the night, Kim Sunwoo,â you haul at him, shaking your head at the poor boy, âyouâre done.â
Sunwoo wants to open his mouth and protest, maybe ask you what you mean, but the moment his lips unseal, he gets a sniff of the alcohol in the air and suddenly, he feels like throwing up. Your eyes lock with his, a pleadingâ maybe a warningâ mirrors in Sunwooâs gaze, and even though heâs so drunk he feels like he crossed dimensions, he applauds your ability to know just what he means by a single look into his eyes.
âOh, Christââ you curse, hurried steps moving to the corner of the room, swiftly grabbing the trash can and running back towards your friend sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor.Â
You make it just in time to catch the contains of Sunwooâs stomach into the trash can, making the boy insanely gratefulâ heâs wearing the new shoes his mum got him for his birthday, and god knows heâd hate it if he ruined them the very first day he can show them off to his football friends.
The whole world disappears into the background as he throws up while making a mental promise to himself to never drink again. The only thing keeping him from losing it all is the feeling of your hand on his back, comforting rubs grounding him back to earth. Giggles fill his ears and heâs sure everyoneâs laughing at himâ even in his drunken state, he can recognise the shame filling his veinsâ but before he can open his mouth to argue with his classmates, the sound of your angry voice makes him seal his lips close and listen to the scolding you offer to his teammates for making him drink so much.
âYou know he has a weak stomach, Donghyuck!â you huff and puff, your hand still drawing comforting circles to Sunwooâs back as his head stays stuck in the bucket, not having enough energy to even straighten his spine.Â
âItâs his birthday! Come on, donât be so tight-arsed.â
âWell, do you want him to die on his day of birth? Thatâs not very cool of you,â you growl, the shuffle of your clothing and a pained âowâ escaping his friendâs lips hinting to Sunwoo that you just kicked the right wing to his shin.Â
Deserved, Sunwoo thinks.
âCan somebody get Eric? Iâm pretty sure heâs in Daehwiâs room with MB!Y/N, Minjeong and Jihoon,â you hum, waiting for anyone to follow your orders.Â
Sunwoo blinks in and out of it, his consciousness giving up on him with the incredible pain in his temples. He feels incredibly grateful to have someone like you by his side not only now, but all the time. The two of you have gotten incredibly closer ever since he joined the football teamâ and with you being one of the cheerleaders, youâre always somehow around. Not that heâs complaining, of course. It seems like you are one of the more responsible ones in this room right now, and god knows Sunwoo needs a bit of guidance on his day to day ventures.
âDo you think youâll be sick again?â you ask, voice soft in his ear. âOr can I take the trash can off you now?â
Sunwoo thinks for a bit, then he nods and lets go of the plastic bucket. He doesnât know what happens to it after and nor does he careâ it seems like the alcohol in his veins took away all his sense of object permanence. He can barely see anything in the yellow lights of the room (which makes him believe he is going blind from all the alcohol heâs hadâ donât tell him itâs just his eyes getting hazy and confused with how much his head is spinning), but heâs sure he can feel you wiping his tear-stained cheeks (he wasnât cryingâ his eyes were just watering) and pulling him closer to you when he threatens to fall over even in his seated position. Your hand comes up to play with his hair when you let him rest his head against your shoulder, your actions making him sleepy, eyes closing on themselves like a threat for him to fall asleep any second.
Something about the care, the loyal protectiveness you take over the boy makes his heart soften. He breaths in your scent, trying his hardest to focus on your presence and not the weird feeling in his stomachâ although itâs settled a bit since he threw up, itâs still a little uneasyâ and before he knows it, thereâs a tap on his shoulder waking him up from the haze.
Sunwoo mourns, not really wanting to move from his position, too comfortable with your fingers threading through his hairâ but much to his dismay, your soft voice appears in his ear, telling him he has to get up. âCan you walk on your own? Weâre gonna get you back to your room,â you hum, your lips accidentally brushing against the shell of his ear, making everything in him light on fire. Heâs not really sure if this is the effect alcohol has on you, but if it is, heâs certain he never wants to drink again.
âSunwoo?â you call, the way you say his name suddenly all too angelic in his earsâ but still not enough for him to answer. âAlright,â you sigh after the dreadful silence, taking charge of the situation, moving away from the boy and offering him your hands to hold on to as you try to get him on his feet, âI guess weâre gonna find out.â
His fingers intertwine with yours as he stares up at you, his vision blurry, but still sharp enough to make out your tired face. The sight is enough to make Sunwoo worryâ is he being too much? Are you mad at him? Do you not want to be his friend anymore? â but before he has a chance to address any of those concerns, heâs being tugged up to his feet. Not ready for the weight of his own body, his knees buckle and refuse to work. There is a pair of hands clutching his arm automaticallyâ yoursâ as another pair holds him up from behind by his waist.Â
Heâs not really sure who was his other savior, but by the silent curse heard from behind, he thinks he recognises Ericâs voice.Â
âI know I shouldnât have left him alone,â he hears his best friend say, voice full of frustration.
âYou really shouldnât have,â he hears you sigh, making the poor boy scowl.
It still feels like he canât really speak, exhaustion taking a toll on him, but he follows the orders as you tell him to get on his best friendâs backâ Ericâs crouching figure ready for the impact, waiting for the taller one to clutch onto him so he can carry him into the safety of their shared room. The operation has to be quick if they donât want to be caught by their teachers while walking through the hall, and somehow, in the distant crevices of his brain, Sunwoo recognises that and he makes no battle to resist, doing exactly as heâs told.
âMan, youâre heavy,â he hears Eric huff under him as the poor boy carries him through the hall. âYouâre gonna have a killer hangover tomorrow, dudeâŠâ
Sunwooâs head rests against his friendâs shoulder, hands carelessly hanging around Ericâs neck. He tries to blink away the sleep, desiring to stay awake, when your concerned face appears in his vision and suddenly, he feels insanely guilty.
âIâm sorry,â the two words escape his mouth with no troubleâ the first words to appear in his vocabulary after the few minutes of him being surprisingly muteâ only to hear his friend chuckle.
âWell, youâre going to be dying from a headache tomorrow, not us,â Eric hums, âso I think you have to apologize to future you first.â
Sunwoo pouts, bangs falling into his eyes making him blink in a desperate try to get the stray hairs away, attempting to make eye contact with your side profile. âAre you mad at me?â he asks, voice a little groggy from all the screaming and drinking.
âWhat?â you ask, genuinely surprised to hear his question. Your face morphs into a confused expression, the one where a wrinkle appears in between your browsâ and it takes everything in Sunwoo not to poke the little line with his pointer finger in utter endearance.
âAre you⊠madâŠ?â he asks again, watching as your face morphs into amusement.
âNo,â you shake your head, a hint of a laugh in your tone. âWhy?â
âYou look grumpy.â
âIâm just worried,â you note.
âAbout?â Sunwoo asks, his intelligence morphing into a one of a 10-year old with the influence the alcohol has on him.Â
âYou,â you say, sighing and shaking your head as you move two steps in front of Eric and open the door to their room, closing it swiftly behind you and following the duo towards Sunwooâs bed.Â
The younger one drops the boy into the cushions of his bed with an exaggerated sigh (that might as well be real, for all we knowâ god knows you wouldnât be able to carry Sunwoo on your own), and the comfort of the pillow around his head is enough to make Sunwooâs eyes start closing again, sleep threatening to take over his consciousness.
Thereâs some noise interrupting his sleep, though, making the boy tear his tired eyes open to notice you walking through the room. Sunwoo finds Eric putting a glass of water onto his bedside table and watches as you put a trash can beside his bed, hushed whispers sent Ericâs way resonating in the quiet room. âMake sure that he sleeps on his side so if he throws up again, he doesnât chokeââ
âY/N?â he calls your name, watching as you look at him with careful eyes.
âHm?â
âAre you leaving?â he asks, maybe a little foolishly.
âYes.â
The boy nods at your reaction, showing his acknowledgement. In the drunken state of his mind, he knows he doesnât particularly want you to leave, but heâs also fairly certain, finding the rational thought in the sober part of his brain, that you have to leave, and so he lets it go. The drunken state of his mind wins, though, when the next sentence foolishly escapes his lips.
âPlease donât stop liking me after this,â he mumbles, words slurring.
âWhat?â you askâ confused because you either donât fully comprehend what heâs trying to say, or because you truly just couldnât hear what words escaped his mouthâ but when you donât get a clarification, you just nod at the boy, seemingly desperate to keep him happy tonight. âOkay, I wonât.â
âYou wonât stop liking me?â he asks, a big pout playing with his features.
âNo.â
âOkay.â
That seems to put his mind at easeâ enough to make his brain finally turn off and lead him to sleep. He doesnât really remember what he dreamt of that night, but the last memory he has of the night of his 18th birthday is that you promised to not stop liking him after seeing him a drunken mess, and how he so deeply wished youâll continue to like him forever.
It hits him only a few months later that the thing he so desperately hoped for that night was that youâll keep liking him even at his worstâ that he didnât drive you away and one day, maybe, youâll like him more than just a friend.
to. my first detention
September 1999
Sunwoo was never the one to break the rules.Â
Well, if you donât count that one time he skipped class just because he got too bored of it in the middle of the lecture. And it wasnât even that hard eitherâ he just asked if he could go to the bathroom, and when he got the approval, he stood up and left, never returning.Â
Or if you donât count that one time he climbed up the ladder on the side of the school building with his friend Juyeon and had his lunch there. Or that one time he cheated on an exam and made a scene about it when accused of the act, leading the professor into letting him off just that one time.Â
Sunwoo is usually too lazy to break the rules. Some days, paradoxically, his laziness is what leads him to break the rules. He canât really help it, even if he tried.
The one time he does break the rules, expecting to be punished by his teacher for coming late to class, itâs not even his fault in the first place. Morning football practice ran late and he didnât feel like rushing to change out of his practice clothingâ see, the laziness is playing a part in this as wellâ so when he arrived into his Physics lecture, the clock was already 15 minutes after the bell rang for the first period.
Much to his surprise, his teacher didnât even punish him. âWell, youâre an athlete, so itâs understandable,â he heard, making his lips stretch out into a subtle smile. If he knew that joining the football club would lead him to have such privileges, he wouldâve done it a long time ago.Â
How did he still end up in detention, you may ask? Well, thatâs a funny question.
Your flushed face appears in the doorway of the classroom exactly 2 minutes after Sunwoo does, breathing heavily and wiping the sweat off your forehead with the back of your hand. Your hair tied up in a ponytail is loose now, stray hairs falling out to frame your face, your school uniform wrinkly, shirt not tucked in properly, as you spit out endless apologies to your teacher about being late for lecture.
âIâm really, really sorry about being late,â you bow, chewing on the inside of your cheek as you look around the classroom with apologetic eyes, âI had cheerleading practice and it ran a bit late, so I didnât have enough time toââ
âSit, Ms Y/L/N,â the teacher hums, âif you have time to do any other activities other than being in class, Iâm sure youâll have time to stay after class for detention, am I right?â
âSir, I reallyââ
âI donât want to hear it.â
Now, are you seeing the difference in the way you and Sunwoo were treated? Thatâs right. It may not look like it, because the young football player rarely puts effort into anything (other than the game), but when something angers him, itâs quite difficult for him to keep it in.Â
And thatâs exactly why his ass is currently sitting in one of the chairs of his classroom, legs spread wide as he looks around the silent room in boredom. Accusing his teacher for being sexist and holding to double standards wasnât the best idea, but it was enough to get him into detention alongside you.Â
His eyes get caught up with somethingâ someoneâ sitting two desks in front of him, one to the right, scribbling their homework into their notebook. At least you are using up the detention time for important and useful things, he thinks. That wonât stop him from interrupting you in your task, though. Even betterâ it encourages him.
Tearing out a piece of paper from his notebook, Sunwoo fishes for a pen in one of his pockets, writing a short note that says: Wanna get ramen after this? before he crumbles the paper into a small ball. After watching the teacher for a few seconds, making sure that heâs not going to get caught, he throws the ball in your direction, aiming straight for your head.
He misses. Well, thatâs why he plays football and not volleyballâ he doesnât have good aim when it comes to his handsâ but nonetheless, the note ends up hitting your shoulder before it bounces off and falls to the ground.
Confused, you look around before you find Sunwoo staring at you, pointing towards the paper on the ground with a grin on his face. You sigh, sending a telepathic signal of âyouâre acting like a child again,â straight into his brain before you reach for the paper ball and take it into your hands, fingers uncurling the thin material and reading out the words heâs sent to you.
Only a few seconds pass before you throw the ball back to himâ he catches it in his hands, earning an approving look from you at his strangely fast reflexes, making a sense of victory flow gracefully through his veins. A frown settles on his face when he reads out your reply, though.
canât. I promised Aeri Iâll hang out with her later. weâre going for frozen yogurt.
Sunwoo furrows his brows. Oh how he hates to be denied.Â
I can join!! i could use some froyo
You send a tired look to him over your shoulder when you receive the message, rolling your eyes at his comment. Itâs obvious that Sunwoo canât joinâ he knows it by the look in your eyes. Hell, he knew he wasnât invited even before he askedâ he just likes to see your frustration. Something about the way your face scrunches up, clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth, amuses him in a way he canât really describe.
you couldâve gotten yours instead of staying in detention. what was that about, by the way?? Iâve never seen anyone willingly do detention⊠you must be out of your mind
The message makes him chuckle, shaking his head in disbelief. His motives are clearâ well, at least in his brain. If he stays in detention, he can see you for some more. Which means he can hang out with you more (or look at the back of your head from afar, whichever you grace him with on that particular day). And he wants to spend as much time with you as he can, well, because⊠because he just likes to do so. Why?
Donât ask. He hasnât thought it out that far yet.
I just like things to be fair. I came late too :((Â
He writes back instead. Fairness is the last thing he cares about if the world is in his favor. If the world is unfair to you, thoughâ thatâs another thing.Â
weirdo.
You write back. The pen is already in his hand, ink getting hotter as he masters up a reply, when the loud voice of his teacher cuts through the classroom and announces that detention is over and theyâre all dismissed. Something in Sunwooâs stomach drops.Â
Sighing, he puts the note back into his pocket (and will forget to throw it out. Then, heâll find it there after a few days, unravel the ball and read over the letters with a smile. He wonât throw it out then eitherâ heâll crumble it back and keep it there until the paper wears out and forms into litter in the pocket of his pants). Gathering his things into his bag, he swings the backpack over one of his shoulders before catching up with you, already halfway out of the classroom. You seem to be in a rush to meet Aeriâ he understandsâ but thereâs still one more thing he needs to do.
Clearing his throat, Sunwoo approaches you from the back. âHey!â
âHi,â you hum, adjusting the bag on your shoulder. âAeriâs waiting for me outside, so I gottaââ
âWait, Iâ I have something for you,â he says, scratching the back of his neck. Why does he suddenly feel so nervous? The words his sister said to him yesterday keep resonating in his head, and although he knows itâs not true and he doesnât see you in that way, his stomach churns and he clutches his hand into a fist by his side, a desperate act to ground himself.
âWhat?â you look at him, eyebrows furrowed, all confused. Sunwooâs not the one to give giftsâ sure, he pays for your meals sometimes, but thatâs only because you share them and he comes to the logical conclusion that he eats more of the portion than you do anyways, so itâs only fair.
âUm⊠well, my sister⊠she was making those bracelets yesterday and she made me do it with her, because sheâs really annoying when she wants to be,â he mumbles, fishing for the bracelet in the front pocket of his backpack, lying straight through his teeth.Â
You stare at him with wide eyes, completely unreadable to Sunwoo. Well, he already said it, so he may as well just dig his hole even deeper. The yarn is soft under his touch when he twirls the bracelet in his fingertips, eyes focusing on the shades of red and pink, suddenly too afraid to face you and look you in the eyes. âAnd, uh⊠we made too many, so I brought you one, because⊠youâre my friend, and all,â he mumbles, chewing the inside of his cheek.
His sneakers are oh so interesting to look at in the few seconds he spends waiting for your reply. He feels like heâs in court, waiting for his ordealâ anxiety making him bounce on the tips of his feet, his other hand clutching the strap of his backpack for dear life.Â
âDid you make that?â you ask, tone of voice genuinely appreciative.
âYeah,â he shrugs.Â
He did not.
âThatâsâ thatâs really cute,â you gasp, making the boy finally look up. When he finds that the words are addressed to the bracelet his sister made, not his act of kindness, something inside of him gets irritated, but the little devil in his chest leaves just as fast when you meet his eye and take the yarn from his hands, examining the red and pink knots from a closer distance.
âYeah,â he hums, not really knowing what to say.
âCan you tie it for me?â you ask, offering the bracelet back to the boy and smiling at him, waiting for him to circle it around your wrist and secure it to place with a knot. Itâs a bit long, the ends sticking out to different directions, but Sunwoo admits that it does look quite nice against your skin, and that if he forgets about the fact that it was his sister who actually made the bracelet (even though he begged her to teach him for approximately two hours, going as far as bribing her with his snacks), he does feel quite proud of the gesture.
Thereâs something possessive about the bracelet, he thinks. It's like a sign to everyone that you have someone who cares about you enough to tie it around your wrist. Itâs like saying hey, this is my best friend! No one else enjoys their company enough to make a bracelet to prove it, but me. Itâs like a silent translation of the heartâs calling: this person is mine. Theyâre not allowed to take this off until I die.
Sunwoo feels a bit giddy as he watches you admire the yarn around your wrist. You sport the same expression as Eric did when he forced a bracelet out of his sister yesterdayâ eyes glimmering, the widest grin on your features. While he may be sure what the face meant when it came to his best friend (although he tries to close his eyes from the obvious crush he has on his sister), heâs not quite certain when it comes to you.
In his mind, you smile like this at everyone. Youâre just that kind of person.
But oh does he wish you mirror Ericâs feelings on the matter. Oh does he hope you tell everyone he is the one who gave the bracelet to youâ he hopes you boost in front of your friends, tell them just how much you like it.
âŠmaybe his sister was right.Â
Maybe the bracelet had a deeper intention.
August 2007
âSo,â Sunwoo hums, taking a salty chip from the bowl settled in the middle of the table, looking over at you with a curious gaze, âhow have you been?â he asks, chewing as he waits for you to answer.
Itâs an easy question, one would thinkâ and itâs true, itâs not the most difficult thing to answer. But considering the circumstances, the fact that you and Kim Sunwoo havenât seen each other since you both graduated from high school, despite telling each other youâll stay in contact and see each other whenever you have the chance toâ it gets a little bit more difficult. Itâs been 6 years, many things have changed, you had your fair share of good things happening to you as well as the bad.Â
What do you tell Sunwoo, thoughâ a friend you lost somewhere along the way, much like everyone? Well, you canât really blame him for growing distant with youâ although to this day, you donât really know the reasoning. He was the first one to leave, and although you always wished him the best, nobody can really blame you for doing your part at flying out of your nest. Everyone has to experience the outside world before they can find their place in it, no?Â
Itâs not your fault that you werenât as successful as you wanted to beâŠÂ
âWell, you know,â you shrug, âso and so. Many things happened, but I guess Iâm doing fine,â you conclude, nodding to yourself.
The face Sunwoo offers you is one of concern. You recognise that this is not really what he wanted to hearâ not really what he expected you to say. The both of you were always ambitious, shooting for the stars, so it would be nice to know that at least one of you finally chased down the dreams youâve had since you were young.
âWhat about you?â you ask quickly, shielding yourself from more interrogation. âHow did football go?âÂ
That has Sunwoo chuckling, averting his gaze. He takes a sip of the soda placed on his table before he turns to you again and answers the question, shrugging to himself. âDidnât really go as I planned,â he says, nodding to himself. âGuess I lost many years on it, but oh well. Canât really take it back now.â
âDonât say that,â you hum, chewing on the inside of your cheek. The answer he offered you was not surprising to youâ not that you didnât believe in his abilities, not at all. Itâs just that by now, if Sunwooâs dreams came true, youâd be aware. Youâd hear about him everywhere. Youâd see him on the news, in the paper⊠It seems like your friend has disappeared out of the spotlight he always wanted even sooner than he could walk straight into the stardom. You wouldnât say you were keeping tabs on him, noâ you just cared enough to try to look for him in every place you could. âIt wasnât lost years. You did what you loved, and you tried your best.â
âI know,â he says, scrunching up his nose in an adorable manner before he sighs, âIâm just moping around. Besides, I quite like the life Iâve had since coming back home,â he admits.
âYou do?â you ask, eyes glimmering in the lights. Something in you shiftsâ moves to a more comfortable place at the information. Itâs strange that hearing that heâs doing fine still makes you feel at peace. Itâs been yearsâ you really shouldnât care by now.
âI do,â he nods, âI work at Juyeonâs fatherâs bakery now. I didnât really expect to like it, but thereâs something charming about it, Iâll have you know,â Sunwoo says, taking another handful of chips into his hand before feeding them to himself, seemingly trying to chase down the tipsiness in his bloodstream.
That drags out a giggle out of you, shaking your head at the news. âI wouldnât take you for a bakery kind of guy,â you say, âI canât really imagine you in the kitchen.â
âWell, times change, Y/N-ie,â the nickname slips out between his lips like a punch to your gut, his teasing tone dragging nails to you in a weird sense of nostalgia, âIâm the best baker in town right now. People go crazy over my cinnamon rolls,â he nods, pointing a finger to you as if to prove his point.
âI find that hard to believe,â you squint at him, shaking your head in disbelief.
âYouâll have to come and find out,â he says, the sentence so casual that the contrast of his following statement has your heart drop a little, âwell, if youâre⊠staying around for a bit, of courseâŠâ
Humming, watching as his eyes soften at the shift in your composure, you nod in agreement. âIâll make sure to add that to my plan.â
Sunwoo nods in acknowledgement. Swallowing down the chips that were in his mouth, he dusts off his hands off the excess salt and licks his lips before speaking up again, seemingly collecting his thoughts. âSo youâre staying around for a while?â he asks, a little bit cautious.Â
He doesnât really know how sensitive this topic is for youâ you donât even know if heâs aware of your previous whereabouts, if he knows where you left off to and whyâ but Sunwoo stays caring, no matter the amount of time you spent not talking, no matter the big canyon that slowly formed in between the two of you in the years of no contact. Itâs something youâve always appreciated about him. He liked joking around, but he always knew where the boundaries laid, always knew when the joke went too far. He tried hard to avoid poking around too much, but he always made sure to apologize if he realized he hurt someoneâs feelings. Heâs a spark of violent fire, but heâs also tamed like a fireplace when he wants to beâ warm, comfortable. Itâs easy to feel like itâs back in the old times when youâre around him. Itâs easy to pretend neither of you ever really left.
âI am,â you nod. âThings⊠didnât really work out for me either, yâknow,â you chuckle, the dry kind that shows just how bitter you are about the matter. âI went to New York with the internship my aunt arranged for me in KBS, but I guess I just⊠wasnât really good enough to keep full-time.â
âDonât say that,â Sunwoo mirrors your previous statement, an honest attempt at comforting you.
âNo, itâs okay,â you laugh, âI stayed abroad for a while, tried hard, but sometimes, itâs just not meant to be, yâknow? So after I realized my jobs werenât making me enough money for a decent living in the States, I came back home,â you say, mouth forming a pout as you speakâ the kind that shows youâre lost in thought, making up a plan as you go, âIâll help my parents out for a while and then look for something to do here, I think.â
âWell, that doesnât sound so bad,â Sunwoo says, offering you a soft smile. âI⊠I guess Iâd say itâs good to have you back,â he admits, averting his gaze as he says the words, âever since I came home, it felt like something was missing, so⊠anyways, youâll figure it out, so donât worry too much.â
âThanks, Sunwoo,â you hum, pressing your lips into a tight smile, heart squeezing a little at his sincerity. Itâs strangeâ itâs been years, having lived through countless different situations that were supposed to change the both of you, shift you into two completely different peopleâ but somehow, Sunwoo still feels the same. Almost as if you two never left. Almost as if you two never drifted apart and instead spent your early twenties side-by-side, just like you always planned on doing.
The boy looks at you from the corner of his eye, a content smile spreading on his lips. You feel the atmosphere shifting, the situation tensing up a bit, and with the discomfort the image of him leaving you alone brings you, the words slip out of your lips with a bit too much ease.
âWould you want to⊠dance with me? I wanna see if you still remember what I taught you,â you grin, watching as the playful expression mirrors on your friendâs face, a nod eliciting from him that makes you quickly put your shoes back on and get ready for the dancefloor.
âOf course,â he hums, standing up swiftly and wiping his hands on the fabric of his pants before outstretching a hand for you, tone of voice sweet like honey, âmy lady?â
to. my first dance
November 1999
âWho are you asking to the dance?â you question one afternoon, the two of you behind the closed doors of his room. There arenât many times where Sunwoo gets to invite you overâ mostly because heâs too shy to have someone around when his sister is home, and his sister isnât known to have that many friends to hang out withâ so the times where he finds you settled on top of the sheets of his bed, he treasures deeply.
âI dunno,â he mumbles, looking up at you from the comfort of his rug, shrugging, âI donât really think Iâm going, actually.â
âOh?â you gasp, pouting at the boy. âWhy not?â
âI donât really have anyone to go with,â he says. What he really means isâ youâre going with someone else. Sunwoo doesnât really see himself dancing with anyone else but youâ thatâs just that kind of bond you two have in his mind. Your friendship is dear to Sunwoo, and the boy canât think of anyone else heâd like to spend the evening with.Â
When his sister argued with him with logical words, telling him that he treasures his friendship with Eric just the same, but wouldnât invite him to the prom, he just scoffed at her. MB!Y/N doesnât know anything. He doesnât treasure Eric in the same way, no matter the fact that they pretty much grew up together. Some things just donât feel the same way with Eric as they do with you. He feels closer to you, in a way.
âWell, thatâs bullshit,â you scoff, shaking your head at your friend, âyouâre handsome. And you play football, which is every girlâs dream. I bet anyone would go with you if you just asked,â you propose, pointing a finger at the boy, not really noticing the way he blinks at hearing the words âyouâre handsomeâ coming out of your mouth in regards to him.Â
Do you find him handsome? Is that your subjective opinion or are you just objectively saying what youâve heard in the cheerleader changing rooms?Â
Heâd like to know. Just out of curiosity.
Sunwoo scratches the back of his neck in nerves, now fully seated and facing you. Itâs hard to meet your eye when he talks, his words coming out muffled. âI canât dance anyway, so it would be no fun for everyone involved.â
And watching you dance with his classmate Shotaro would be no fun either. See, it would be easy for Sunwoo to be okay with the fact that you were going to the prom with someone older (which is practically impossible, since youâre both seniors, just for the recordâŠ). He would understand your point, then. Itâs easy to be okay with defeat when your opponent has the upper hand, but when you put two men against each other that are hierarchically equal to each other, much like Sunwoo and Shotaro, the poor boy finds it hard to not feel as insecure in his position.Â
But with Shotaro being the same age as him and the same amount of popular as him, Sunwoo canât help but compare himself to his classmate. What does Shotaro have that Sunwoo doesnât? Is it his smile? Should Sunwoo smile moreâŠ?Â
It doesnât really help his case that youâre going to the prom with the head of the dance team. Sunwoo canât dance⊠Is it the fact that he canât dance?
Or are you just going to the prom with Shotaro because he was the one to ask you to go? Sunwoo canât help but wonderâ would you have gone with him, had he the balls and asked you first?Â
âWhat do you mean, you canât dance?â you say, eyeing the male.Â
âJust⊠never learned to, I guess,â Sunwoo shrugs, âbut it doesnât really matter, since Iâm not going, soâŠâ
âBut you have to go,â you pout, putting the boy in a difficult position. He doesnât know if youâre aware of the fact, but your pleading look does wonders to his decision making. Heâd commit arson if you asked him to with those glimmers in your eyes. Heâd kill for you. Or die for you. Both, depending on the situation. Heâd do anything.
âWhy?â
âIt wonât be fun if youâre not there,â you say, sighing. Your face looks so genuine Sunwoo almost believes it. It makes his heart squeeze and contemplate his decision. âI know Donghyuck is gonna spike the punch, and there are gonna be fireworks,â you hum, chewing on the inside of your cheek, âand this is our senior prom, Sunwoo⊠you have to come.â
The words resonate in his brain, making him even more hesitant about his decision. This is your senior promâ the last dance of your high school years. The last opportunity for Sunwoo to enjoy this time with you and his friends, the last chance he gets at seeing you in a pretty gown, all dolled up and smiling from the sneaky sips of alcohol youâll get with everyone outside of the school gym. The last opportunity for Sunwoo to dance with you, his best friend, and possibly the last time heâll ever enjoy his evening with the rest of his football team before all of them have to study in order for them to take their CSAT.
Maybe youâre right. Maybe he should go.Â
âIâll think about it, I guessâŠâ he mumbles, watching as your face morphs.
âYou guess?â you scoff, glaring at him. âYouâll go or Iâll personally come to your house and drag you there by your hair, you get me, Kim Sunwoo?â you threaten him, having the boy laugh at your outburst. Youâre really adorable when you tease him, Sunwoo thinks.Â
âGot it, chief,â he says, offering you a playful look as he salutes and lays back down onto the carpet, eyes pressed to the ceiling. âDonât expect me to dance, though, because I refuse to embarrass myself. I have quite the reputation to uphold, you see.â
Sunwoo hears you chuckle, the noise of his sheets tousling landing into his ears. Before he has a chance to look at you and see what youâre doing, his view of the white wall above is shielded with the sight of your face, hair framing your cheeks as you stare down at him and put out your hands, waiting for him to take them and get up to a seated position.Â
âWhat?â he asks, genuinely confused.
âIâm gonna teach you, come on,â you call him with a motion of your hand, arms still outstretched and waiting.
âHuh?â he squints, watching as you roll your eyes in frustration.
âIâll teach you how to dance, Sunwoo,â you snicker, watching as the boy slowly takes your hands and lets you drag him up from where heâs laying on his electric blue rug, âso you donât embarrass yourself.â
That has Sunwoo stuttering, his figure freezing even when you manage to somehow make him stand up in the middle of his room. A million different exclamation marks appear all over his brain, warning him from the upcoming events, but he has no way of denying your proposition now, no matter how hard he tries. âNo- itâs- you donât have to, Iâll just-â
âOkay, so,â you say, dismissing all his previous attempts at stopping you from your quest, âfirst, you put your hand here,â you order.
The skin of your fingertips touches Sunwooâs hand, making the boyâs heart stummer in his chest. You drag his palm towards your waist, placing it on the curve of your body. He swears he feels electricity flowing through the contact, warmth radiating off your skin even though itâs shielded by the fabric of your favorite shirt. He gulps as you put your hand on his shoulder, his eyes carefully following your movements, examining every slightest shift of your composure.Â
âAnd then you hold my hand with your other hand,â you instruct, but move to do it yourself when the boy doesnât seem to have it in him to reach for your palm himself.Â
Your fingers interlock with his, making the boy chew on his bottom lip in a sudden flash of nerves. Youâre standing so close he can smell your perfume, the scent making his head spin and feel lightheaded. If you made him turn in this moment, heâs sure heâd fall over, weak legs barely holding him up in your close proximity.Â
âSunwoo?â you ask, making the boy gulp before he hums in acknowledgement.
âYou have to look into my eyes when you slow dance,â you laugh, the sound soft and airy, but enough to have his stomach feel all weird, like heâs about to throw up. Still, he forces himself to look into your eyes, instantly feeling like youâre hypnotizing him. (Heâs convinced heâd jump out of his window right in this moment if you asked him to.)
âOkay,â he nods, standing still, maintaining eye contact. His body is stiff, muscles tense as you just stand there for a moment. Sunwoo battles his inner fight and doesnât look at any other features of your faceâ he has a weird obsession with staring at your lips whenever you talk to him lately. He feels like a weirdo every time he catches himself doing it, so he tries to get rid of the bad habit as much as he can.
âNow, you just⊠kind of sway to the beat,â you say. The boy nods, but his body stays unmoving.
âThereâs⊠thereâs no music playing,â he gets out, watching as you chuckle, your lips stretching out into an adorable grin.
âRight,â you nod, sighing, âwell, Iâll just⊠let me justâŠâ you mumble before you start humming a tuneâ one that makes Sunwoo laugh from how ridiculous it sounds, the notes so unfamiliar to him heâs sure youâre making it up as you go. Before he knows it, you start moving, making him mirror your actions.Â
Itâs not as difficult as he thought it was, he thinks. You stare at him, all encouraging, as you sway from one foot to the other, nodding at him when you see that heâs following your lead well. Dancing with you suddenly feels like the easiest thing in the world, it feels like he was born to have you in his arms, in the middle of his room as you hum an unfamiliar song to him. He thinks going to the dance wonât be so badâ not if he gets to dance with you there for at least one more time.
âDoing well,â you smile, making the boy feel all warm on the inside. A feeling of victory flashes over him for a mere second. He beams in your considerate words, feels fuzzy under your warm gaze. He feels like he just won the lottery. Itâs kind of silly, if he really thinks about it.
A boyish grin appears on his face, having Sunwoo shaking his head at how both ridiculous and over the moon he feels right now. The stream of hums coming out of your throat cuts off for a second as you talk to him with an instructing tone, a warm gaze pressed into his features. âSo you can either do this, or you canâŠâ the hand that was holding his suddenly untangles itself from between his fingertips (and Sunwooâs momentarily glad, because his palm was getting quite sweatyâ although he admits that it does feel empty now that youâre not holding it), before you place his other hand on your waist as well.Â
Something about the pose makes Sunwoo feel strangely intimate, a little bit bashful under your gaze. It only intensifies when your hands go up and entangle behind his neck, bringing you two even closer than before. The proximity has him blushing, red cheeks bringing heat to his face. He prays you donât mention itâ he really doesnât know if he would be able to talk himself out of this one.
âOr you can do it like this,â you say before you lead the boy again, bodies swaying to an imaginary rhythm. Youâre not even humming this time, having Sunwoo follow your movements in complete silence, his aimless movements mirroring your own. Heâs surprised he hasnât stepped on your foot yet when you decide to quickly teach him how to waltz (while also mumbling something about this dance being performed with the previous hand placement). He follows your ordersâ step forward, close, then another step backwardsâ and before he knows it, youâre leading him into a gentle turn, rising and falling in a Ÿ count.
Heâs getting lost in your voiceâ the softest â1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3,â helping him to stay in rhythmâ before heâs pulled out of his trance as he feels your fingers playing with the hair on his nape, entangling yourself into his black locks. The motion has him look back up to your eyes (that have been previously glued to your feet, making sure heâs not stepping on your socked limbs), surprised when he sees you staring at him with a sweet smile playing with your lips.
Halting your movements for a bit, you let out a giggle and take him by surprise when your hand reaches up towards his bangs, ruffling his hair as he still holds you around your waist, the two of you almost hugging in his room. âSee? Not that hard. Youâre a born natural.â
His heart feels like it skipped a beat, a weird sense of panic enclosing around his chest. He doesnât know what it is, not really knowing how to name the feeling, but it has him nervously smiling and urging him to escape youâ escape your touch, escape your scent, your voice and the way you smile at him like you may feel the slightest ounce of the things he does for you, but refuses to accept on most days.
Rushed movements make him break apart from your grasp, quick breathing making him feel like he might spiral.Â
âHey! We werenât done yet!â you call after him when he runs towards the door of his room.Â
Not looking around, the boy gulps and nervously calls back to you, facing the door. âIâll be back! I just have to pee!â
The door to his bathroom closes behind him with a loud shut. The boy doesnât aim for the toiletâ instead, he walks over to the sink, turning on the tap and splashing his face with ice cold water. When heâs done, feeling a bit less heated up, he looks up and stares at his face in the mirror. He gives himself some time to collect his thoughts, to hopefully let go of his foolishness.
How many more times will he have to remind himself that he only sees you as a friend?
to. my first date
January 2000
The snow crunches under his sneakers and makes Sunwoo slip on the cold surfaceâ no wonder his mother screamed at him for not wearing his winter shoes before he went out with his friends. He bets it would be way less difficult to walk in the whiteness of the ground if he had more grip in the soles of his shoes, but oh wellâ heâs not really good at making clever decisions half the time. Nobody can really be surprised.
Somewhere along the way between the moment heâs interrogated his sister about the reason for her bad mood and the moment where he purposefully let her with his best friend at the top of the hill with no way out (he had a hunch the two of them had some things to talk about, from both of their uneasy demeanours for the last day), he realizes he lost both his sister and his best friend, and while heâs quite certain Eric can find his way home just fine, Sunwoo shivers at the thought of not bringing his sister home to his mother. Heâs not quite sure heâd survive that.Â
The quest of finding you both begins the moment the friend group reaches the top of the hill. Given his sisterâs impulsiveness, she couldâve ran away from home, and thatâs not what he wants to deal with on such a pretty winter day.
Sunwoo finds his plan being successful the moment he reaches the hot chocolate stand. The victory he feels after finding his younger sister alive and healthy is quickly overshadowed with the sight of his best friendâs face close to hers, very clearly going in for a kiss. He thinks he has to do something before he is permanently scarred with the image of them two making out right in front of his eyes as he gathers some of the icy texture into his hands and makes a ball, aiming straight at the head of his best friend.
The snow hits the both of them, right in the middle where their faces are supposed to meet. Itâs not quite where Sunwoo was aiming, but he figures itâs good enoughâ it stopped his sister and his friend in the act, and thatâs all he really cares about at this moment.
âEric Sohn, what the fuck do you think youâre doing with my sister?â Sunwoo hollers, watching as his childhood friend takes off and leaves his sister alone on the bench to watch the conflict. The rest of the group follows with laughter as Sunwoo gathers more snow, tailing Eric and making sure the boy is punished for whatever heâs been doing.
Itâs not like he disapproves. Not at all, actually. He just thinks itâs fun to mess with him a little.
âI didnât mean to! Hey!â Eric cries out over his shoulder, trying his best to escape the frostbite. Karma is not on his side as he trips over something and falls to the ground, efficiently helping Sunwoo and the rest of their circle to corner the poor youngest, snow hailed on his limp figure.Â
One would think the group of them were making a snowman with how theyâre rolling the poor boy around in the snow. Juyeon and Donghyuck make sure thereâs not a hint of skin unhidden by the ice, making Eric mourn and kick aroundâ heâs left helpless, though, outpowered and outnumbered by his peers. If anyone unknowing was watching the scene, Sunwoo is sure heâd be framed for bullying.
He thinks itâs quite deserved. Why? Heâs not really sure why. He just has a hunch.
âOkay! Enough!â Eric mumbles, shaking his head when Donghyuck tries to fit snow into his mouth. âIâm sorry! It wonât happen again!â he says, eyes opening wide as MB!Y/N appears somewhere behind her older brother, a teasing pout settled on her face.
âIt wonât?â
âMB!Y/Nâ Iâ Just help me..?â the boy pleads, making the rest of the group laugh and finally relax, easing the attack. Juyeon hums something about young love, making the rest of the guys roll their eyes on his unusual cheesiness, before Donghyuck taps his teammateâs shoulder, making sure heâs paying attention to him.
Sunwoo raises his eyebrows at him, waiting for what he has to say. âLook, isnât that Y/N?â
There are a few ways to catch Sunwooâs attention. Firstâ you have to mention football. He could spend hours on the topic of whoâs the best playerâ Ko Jongsoo or Ahn Junghwan? If anyone asked him to write an essay on it, heâs quite certain heâd do a great job explaining their techniques and goal statistics for numerous pages. Secondâ you have to mention food. Heâs a big fan of junk food, but ever since his friend Juyeon introduced him to their family bakery, heâs been a big cinnamon roll enthusiast. And thirdâ you have to mention Y/N.Â
Just the mention of your name is enough for the boy to stand alert, suddenly all too knowing of his surroundings. He turns his head to look for you, catching sight of your figure dressed in your long coat, standing all alone at the bottom of the hill. Thereâs an almost bored-looking expression on your face, although Sunwoo thinks thereâs a bit of disappointment behind your eyes, making a cloud shade your them and make them lose their usual glimmer. That alone has the boy frowning, and before Donghyuck can say anything more or try to gossip about your sudden arrival, Sunwoo takes offâ trying his hardest not to slip on the snow in his sneakers as he runs down the hill and tries his hardest to get to you quickly.
âY/N!â he calls for you, getting your attention. You turn to him with expecting eyes, watching as the boy runs towards you and does, indeed, slip on the snow.
He manages to save it. Doesnât mean you didnât see him falter, though. âCareful there,â you grin, making the boy mentally kick himself in the shin at being uncool in front of you.
Sunwoo glosses over the comment, ignoring the previous two seconds of his life. If he acts like heâs not embarrassed, it might as well come true. âWhat are you doing here? I thought you said youâre hanging out with someone else when I invited you on the phone today,â he says, curious to know why you changed your plans so suddenly.
Thereâs a hint of bitterness in your composure when you shrug, averting your gaze. âThat fell through, and I didnât wanna⊠I figured youâd be here, so I cameâŠâ you trail off, your half-assed explanation enough to bring the boy into an inner conflictâ one part of him feels bad for you, his heart clenching when he takes notice of your stern gaze and the disappointed expression on your face, the other one foolishly happy that he got to see you today, that you went here looking for him.
âOh,â he nods, not really sure if he should pray more information out of you. He tried to ask you about it when he called you this morning, twirling the landline on his finger nervously when he asked you if you wanted to go sledding with him and his friends. He even mentioned his sister tagging along to make sure you didnât feel as awkward goingâ you wouldnât be the only girl there! Youâd get along with her well, he said, not really sure if he was lying or not. Either way, his sister does need her own friends⊠âWellââ he starts, not really sure where his own sentence is going, before you cut him off with a rushed out sentence, spoken so quickly Sunwoo barely registers it in that confused brain of his.
âWould you wanna go on a date with me?â you ask, eyes big as you stare into his.Â
The question takes a few seconds to register in Sunwooâs brain. He can physically feel the auditory waves entering his ears and converting themselves into electrical signals by the auditory system. The signals enter his left hemisphereâ maybe he could point towards the area with his finger if you asked him to, the impact of the question so present in his mindâ and then it decodes in the Wernickeâs area, slowly, but surely making more and more sense to him. The boy gulps at the invitation. He understands the question theoretically now, heâs registered it in his brain, but the practical implication of your preposition is still unclearâ why in the hell would you ask him to go on a date with you?
âIâŠâ he stutters, feeling heat rushing to his cheeks. He feels like a foolâ he shouldâve said yes a few seconds ago, when you first asked the questionâ but something inside of him is telling him that maybe his reaction is valid. No one expects their friend to randomly ask them out on the bottom of a snowy hill. Certainly not when he was 99% sure you liked someone else.
âLook, itâs- itâs good if you donât want to, really, I just⊠I was supposed to go on a date with Shotaro today, but he never arrived, and IâŠâ you nervously scratch your neck, once again averting your gaze from him, âI guess I was hoping you were in the mood to go out with me, since I got all ready and stuffâŠâ you mumble, your tone of voice breaking something inside of him.
Oh. So you werenât really asking him out. You just didnât want to feel like a fool that got stood up. How stupid of Sunwoo to think you wanted to go on a date with him. The two of you were just friends, after all. Best friends.
And best friends are for cheering each other up. So despite feeling absolutely defeated, Sunwoo battles the weird feeling in his chest and puts on his best smile. âOf course! Donât even mention it. Where⊠where did you wanna go?â he asks, watching as your face relaxes, shoulders falling back to their natural position.
âAre you in the mood for some ramen?â you ask, eyebrows rising in question.
âIâm always in the mood for some ramen,â he nods. Heâs always in the mood for whatever you are.
âGreat,â you nod, chewing on the inside of your cheek.
âGreat.â
âSo⊠letâs go,â you say, nodding to yourself as you walk away from the hill, having your best friend tailing you, following you towards the ramen place in the center of the town.
Thereâs a bit of an awkward silence hanging over you as the two of you escape the sledding area. Sunwoo doesnât even pay his goodbyes to his friends and his sister, but he trusts that Eric can get her home safely when the time comes to head back. The boy mentally curses out Shotaro for standing you upâ how does he dare to ask you out and never arrive? He doesnât care about the possible circumstances of his classmateâs absence. All he cares about is the saddened look on your face and the unusual quietness enveloping your aura.Â
âShould I go kick his ass?â he asks, trying his hardest to make you feel better.
âItâs okay, Sunwoo,â you shake your head in disapproval, eyes pressed to the ground.
âAre you sure?â he asks again, not satisfied with your answer. âIâm quite good at fighting, contrary to popular belief, but if things go wrong, I know my friends would have my back,â he says, playfully punching the air.
The little play consisting of him kicking and punching an imaginary figure goes on for a while until heâs satisfiedâ meaning: until youâre left laughing at his overly exaggerated movements and grunts, shaking your head in disbelief at his boyish antics. Taking his hand in yours to make him stop with the play-fighting, you drag your now interlocked fingers towards your coat pocket, hiding his cold hand in the thick fabric.
Sunwooâs heart beats fast at that, making him believe itâs going to run out of his chest any minute nowâ or make him go into cardiac arrest, either orâ as he grows speechless, looking at you with big, surprised eyes. You donât seem to put much meaning to your gesture, going as far as gently caressing your thumb over the back of his palm, his frozen skin growing hot at the contact.Â
Heâs never held hands with you beforeâ if he doesnât count the amount of times you dragged him around when the both of you were late for the shared cheerleading and football practice on Tuesday afternoonsâ and so the intimacy of the act makes him feel strangely weak in his knees. Itâs hard for him to take his eyes off you, almost looking like a deer in the headlights to anyone watching you two right now. Sniffling from the cold, you shrug.
âItâs okay,â you smile, sending him a quick glance, âI didnât really like him like that anyway. It just⊠feels a bit disappointing to get stood up, thatâs all,â you nod.
Sunwoo nods at that too, something in him shifting. You donât like Shotaro like that? When was this piece of information when he really needed it? (For like the last month, every time he couldnât fall asleep because the thought of you marrying his classmate at one point in the future haunted him too much and made him want to poke the dance club leaderâs eyes out?)
âI get it,â he says, walking along with you. Every time he feels the eyes of someone on you two, he feels his chest filling up with an unfamiliar sense of pride. Something about being seen with you as youâre all dolled up and holding his hand in your coat pocket makes him all giddy on the insideâ no matter if this is a real date or not.
Because screw it, Kim Sunwoo is tired of reminding himself that heâs supposed to only see you as a friend. Because he doesnât.
âIâve never been on a date before, though, so you have to teach me all about that too,â he hums, tonguing the inside of his cheek.Â
That has a giggle escaping your throat, another shake of your head in disbelief at his words. He doesnât know whatâs so funny, but he decides that as long as youâre laughing, heâs fine with feeling the tiniest bit of humiliation. Heâd do anything to make you happy, he thinks. Itâs a feeling stronger than him and he doesnât know how to make it go awayâ he decided to stop battling it a long time ago.
âJust be yourself, Sunwoo,â you say, âthatâs already perfect enough.â
Perfect. Sunwooâs cheeks grow hot at that. Heâs happy that itâs cold outâ maybe he could blame his blushing on the weather. The boy isnât so sure you know about the effect your words have on him. Heâs always thought of you as perfectâ flawless, funny, friendly, smart, kind and⊠and beautifulâ but the adjective doesnât quite seem fitting when he looks at himself in the mirror. He doesnât believe you could hold him to such standards. Heâs nothing special. God, he knows heâs not good enough for youâ still, he keeps wishing he could be.Â
âYou look really pretty, by the way,â he hears himself say, the words escaping his mouth before he has the chance to stop them. The tone of his voice is quite unnatural in his ears, softer than it usually is, and somehow, the comment makes you roll your eyes, which he finds to be an unnatural reaction.
âYou donât have to say that just because youâre on a date with me,â you hum, eyes not meeting his. (Which might be a good thing. Sunwoo would like to keep his feelings hidden for a bit longer, and heâs not so sure you wouldnât recognise the tender inkling he has towards you in his longing gaze.)
âIâm not saying it because of that,â he mutters, voice quiet, yet honest.Â
Watching the side of your face, eyes still glued at every feature of your profile, he knows heâs not lying. He finds you oh so pretty even in the faint hue of the winter sun, with your scarf pulled up to the middle of your chin and hair pinned up with a pretty, silky bow. He finds you nothing short of angelic. Perfect. Itâs kind of silly, if he really thinks about it.
Still, he canât help himself. To this day, he counts the afternoon he spent with you, eating ramen at your favorite place, to be the first date heâs ever gone on.
Somewhere in the corner of his soul, he begs you count it as real too.
August 2007
Itâs only a couple of days later when you find yourself in front of Juyeonâs fatherâs bakery, nervously chewing on your bottom lip and gazing at the glass door. The sun is shining strongly down on your skin, making you feel like youâre going to get a sun stroke if you keep standing in the direct light for any longer, and with the pressure of both the weather and your own thoughts, you decide to stop wasting time and push the door open, entering the establishment.
Not really sure if youâre welcomeâ who knows, Sunwoo might have just been acting nice and civil for the sake of not ruining his sisterâs weddingâ you prepared a mental shopping list of things you wanted to get at the bakery. You hadnât seen your parents in a long time, so you thought a few donuts might make them happy. If Sunwoo just treats you like any regular customer when you walk in, youâll take it as your sign to act like one and let this whole thing go.Â
Truth be told, you donât even know why youâre so nervous. Itâs not like youâre promising yourself something more from this⊠right?Â
Itâs not like you suddenly felt younger again when seeing him at the wedding. Itâs not like the memories choked you up when you went to sleep that night, itâs not like the feelings you had for the young boy suddenly waved at you in greeting, reminding you of just how close the two of you were all those years ago.Â
Not at all. Why would anyone even think that?
The ring above the door makes a sound as you walk in, your insides clenching in a weird mix of nerves and anxiety at encountering Kim Sunwoo again. The store is empty when you reach the counter, but youâre soon greeted by the sound of the staff door opening, a tall figure stumbling in with a tray of pastries, yelling out a quick: âIâll be right there!â
And as you watch Sunwoo with his bangs sticking to his forehead, an apron tied tightly around his thin waist, you feel like he hasnât aged a single day and you two are still the same teenagers that ran around your school in order to not miss practice. The boy looks up at you from below his eyelashes, a boyish grin taking over his features as he puts the hot tray down on the counter and throws the kitchen towel heâs been using to shield his skin from the heat to the side, greeting you.
âY/N! Itâs nice seeing you again,â he beams, wiping his hands on his apron, gaze gluing to yours and never leaving, capturing you in a sincere eye contact that you donât have the heart to break.
âHi, Sunwoo,â you chuckle, pressing your lips into an honest, yet a little bit awkward smile. âHowâs it going?â you ask, desperate to keep the conversation goingâ afraid that if it dies down, you wonât be able to revive it ever again and youâll just regret it forever. Thereâs a weird sense of urgency in you, like you have a time limit to figure everything outâ like you have to act now, or everything you ever wanted might slip from between your fingertipsâ yet, the more you watch Sunwoo in the serene atmosphere of the sweet-smelling bakery, you notice yourself relaxing.
âGood! Better now that youâre here, actually, itâs been a slow day,â he muses, nodding to himself. âWhat about you? Can I get you anything?â he asks, eyebrows raising, round cheeks on full display as he stares at you with an expecting smile.
âIâm doing well,â you nod, humming, âreally well⊠catching up with my parents, settling in and stuff⊠You know the deal,â you laugh. âI actually came to get some donuts for my parents, sort-of like a thank you gift for letting me stay until I figure out my own place and stuff,â you say, watching as Sunwoo urgently nods with acknowledgement.
âSay less, darling,â the nickname slips out from him a little too easily, a little too casually for the way it captures your heart. It has you nervously shifting from one foot to another, insides warming up with the impact of his fleeting gaze as he moves to get a box from under the counter, moving closer to the glass vitrine filled with the sweet pastry. âYour mum loves these ones,â he points towards the donuts coated with the pink glazing.
Itâs kind of weirdâ how Sunwoo knows exactly what your mother likes, despite him not being around your house every other day like when the two of you were teenagers. It makes you realize that even though you moved away for years, the time here didnât stop. Everyone moved on with their lives, everyone continued on as if nothing happened. And you canât hold it against themâ you guess you just hate the weird pit in your stomach that opens up with the realization that while Sunwoo knows which pastries your mum likes (most likely because she stops by to buy bread often, taking some treats with her for her and dad while sheâs at it), you donât.
You try hard not to show it on your face, though. Sunwoo continues to pack more donuts into the box, not really attempting to ask you for what youâd likeâ he just chooses himself, making sure you bring home the best ones of the bunch, the most delicious ones they carry. Letting him do his work, merely watching as he carefully moves the donuts from the vitrine to the box, you hear him continue on with the conversation.
âYou came in on the right day,â Sunwoo hums, âJuyeon works tomorrow, so you wouldnât be able to catch me if you went.â
Ignoring the fact that he sees right through youâ sees that your intention was to see him, to have a way to visit him and attempt to rekindle whatever bond you had when you were youngâ you just chuckle. You canât blame him for knowing you so well, despite not being around each other for so many years. When you were young and in love, you used to call him your soulmate, after all. You guess thereâs always a hint of truth, even in the most lovesick fantasies. âWell, then Iâm glad I went in today,â you admit.
Sunwoo smiles at thatâ the kind of smile you always loved at him, the one where he shows his teeth and his eyes crinkle up into moon crescents. Once heâs done packing your donuts, he puts the box on the counter, showing you his back just as fast when he turns around, seemingly grabbing something else as well. When heâs facing you again, thereâs a sweet pastry in his hand, still warm.
âWhatâs that?â you ask when you notice him offering it to you, eyes peering into his.
âA cinnamon roll,â he says, waiting for you to take it into your hands, âI told you everyone goes crazy over my cinnamon rolls, so I wanna see if their magic works on you too.â
âIs this how you flirt with girls over here?â you chuckle, but take the bun into your hand nonetheless, taking a hesitant bite of the treat. The sweetness melts on your tongue, the warmth of the freshly-baked pastry enchanting you with its taste, something about its essence weirdly reminding you of home.Â
âHavenât tried it before,â he shrugs, âso tell me if itâs working,â he jokes, watching as you chew on the roll.Â
âWell, is it any good?â
Humming in satisfaction, delight on the tip of your tongue as you swallow down the heavenly dough, you nod. âItâs to die for, Sunwoo.â
âTold you,â he shoots you a cheesy finger-gun, reminding you so much of your best friend from high school, before he turns and takes a paper bag from somewhere, talking to you as his back faces you again, âIâll get you some more to take home with you. I bet they didnât have those in the Big Apple.â
âIf I knew I was missing out on these, I would have come back quicker,â you joke, watching as Sunwoo turns to you with an amused look on his face, seemingly enjoying the praise.
The eye contact unarms you again, your composure falling just the slightest. Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you clear your throat and reach for your wallet, ready to pay and leave so you can think about the interaction on your way home (and overthink every slightest detail, just like teenage you would after every fleeting touch young Sunwoo would send your way). âHow much do I owe you?â you ask.
âOh, itâs on the house,â he says, licking his lips, âconsider it a⊠welcome gift, if you will,â he hums, offering you the box full of donuts and the paper bag consisting his infamous cinnamon rolls, your skin touching just the slightest when you take them from him, but still making electricity jolt through the nerve endings of your fingertips.
âNo, Sunwoo, I really canât-â you shake your head, but get caught off by him.
âTake them, please. You can pay me back some⊠other time?â he cautiously says, seemingly not really knowing if heâs still within your desired boundaries.Â
âO-okay, then,â you nod, agreeing to the subtle invitationâ the subtle promise to meet again, the hopeful question leading into something more. âThank you, Sunwoo,â you hum, smiling as you turn towards the door and get prepared to walk out, giving both of you some time to think about what happened in the last few minutes.
As you open your mouth to say goodbye to him, hand landing on the doorknob, you hear him call after you once more.
âOh and Y/N?â he says, a confident look suddenly overtaking his features. âI end here at 5, if youâd like to hang out after.â
Unknowingly, a grin appears on your features, the one thatâs so strong you canât really mask it no matter how hard you tryâ as you nod at him, the victorious feeling flowing through your veins maybe even a bit dangerous. Still, you donât have it in you to turn the invitation downâ you wouldnât be able to even in your wildest dreams.
This is what you came here for, after all, isnât it?
âOkay,â you agree. âSo⊠Iâll see you later?â
âSee you later,â he nods, teeth capturing his bottom lip. Itâs kind of adorable. He couldnât battle the smile threatening to pull at the corners of his mouth, no matter how hard he tried.
Maybe coming hereâ coming back homeâ was the best thing you couldâve done.
âWanna come in?â Sunwoo asks. Itâs a few hours laterâ you followed through with his invitation and waited for him in front of the bakery at 5:05 sharp, catching him after his shift. You two took a walk through the whole town, waltzing slowly through his neighborhood until you reached his childhood house. You remember far too many afternoons spent in the comfort of the walls, and although you think it would be nice to revisit those memories, you notice his motherâs car (is it still hers? You have no way of knowing.) in the driveway, and suddenly, youâre too shy to join him as he drops his stuff off in his house.
Itâs like youâre a teenager againâ except, you never had any problems meeting his mother before. She was a nice woman, although a little busy (you only heard Sunwoo complain about the fact a few timesâ mainly when he was feeling sentimental or particularly under the weather about something), and she always treated you very nicely. Almost like you were supposed to join the family one day. His sister once asked you if youâre gonna marry him, and you laughed at her back thenâ you were so young, you didnât even think of having a wedding with Kim Sunwoo. The funniest thing was the timing: you werenât even dating him at the time. Or planning to, really. Sure, you always imagined somehow spending the rest of your life with him, in one way or another, but the thought of marriage didnât often cross your mind. Life is ironic, you thinkâ MB!Y/N was the first one to have a wedding and here you are, retangling your life paths with her brother again.Â
So no, you were never really scared or shy in front of his mother. Back then, things were different though. Simpler? Youâd say they were definitely easier. You were more extroverted and open, more ambitious and less embarrassed of how your life turned out to be.
Also, you didnât want to give her any ideas. Itâs far too soon for that, you think.Â
âNo,â you shake your head, hesitating a little bit, âIâll wait for you here,â you say, watching as he smiles at you and nods, walking inside of the house to drop off his things and change.
You two didnât really have any plans for the rest of the evening. You told Sunwoo he could show you around town, tell you what changed and what stayed exactly the same, since he came home earlier than youâ you bet it could be two or three years ago. He eagerly nodded, although noted that not much is different in your hometown and your walk could turn out pretty uneventful. No plans were set in stone, though.
Nervously shuffling from one foot to another, you decide to walk around the yard. Sunwooâs house was always bigâ although it seemed more giant to you when you were a teenager. Itâs a strange observation, since you didnât really grow any more inches since you hit puberty. Your eyes study the flowers in front of the gate, the mowed grass, the big tree in the backyard. If you focus hard enough, you could almost see the two of you laying under it, letting the leaves shield you from the sun, both much younger and carefree than now. Sunwoo would show you pages of his favorite comic books and youâd play on your Tamagochi, making sure it doesnât die in two days like his did when he first got it. When you turn to your right, you see the garden house you twoâ sometimes with his sister, sometimes with Eric, sometimes with both of them at onceâ spent many afternoons in.
There used to be an old, red sofa inside. There wasnât much space, since it was filled with gardening supplies, Sunwooâs and MB!Y/Nâs old bikes, flower pots, packs of soil and all other things you could need for gardening, but it was fun to hide away from the sun in there and drink iced tea, talking about whatever came to your minds or solving nanogram puzzles in comfortable silence (or occasional sigh from Eric when he got stuck somewhere in the middle of his crosswords).
Your curiosity gets the best of you when you open the door, deciding to see if itâs still the same inside. Your eyes widen when you notice the garden house a little less packed than beforeâ mainly because Sunwooâs mother no longer does gardening in her free time and buys her vegetables on the market like your mum does, you presumeâ but instead, itâs full of all the things the childhood you knew so well.
Sunwooâs old bikeâ red and a little rusty, but you bet it could still work. The rug they used to have in their dining room is now in the middle of the little garden house, stained with dirt. Next to the usual red sofa is a leather armchair that they used to have in their living room for a while, the dark brown fabric now worn out, chapped and peeling off. In the corner of the room, you find a box filled with various sports equipmentâ tennis rackets, a yellow tennis ball, a jumping rope, and lastly, a half-deflated football. The sight of it has you sighing a little, reminding you of Sunwooâs composure when he told you about how he never got to pursue his childhood dream fully.Â
Your eyes glaze towards his old skateboard, having you chuckle, the memories of him riding it down the hill in front of his house appearing in your mind. Sometimes, he would be there with his sister and his childhood friend Eric as well (that more often than not let MB!Y/N borrow the board, watching her with lovesick eyes instead of riding it himself), the young boy trying to teach himself tricks he saw on the TV.
âDo you think I still got it?â you suddenly hear Sunwoo ask from behind your shoulder, making you jump in surprise. The male laughs at your shocked face, shaking his head in disbelief at your easily shaken composure.Â
âYou scared me,â you breathe out, clutching your chest for good measure, to show him how much you really mean itâ your heart was racing, and contrary to popular belief, the sight of him in casual attire (a gray hoodie, so similar to the one he used to wear in high school, baggy Adidas sweatpants covering his legs) wasnât the reason for the little heart attack.
âSo did you!â he exclaims. âI got outside and didnât see you there, I thought you ran away for a second,â he hums.
âAs if,â you mumble, âI walked all the way here, why would I leave so suddenly?â
âI dunno,â he shrugs, âyou couldâve changed your mind, or something,â he says, his composure suddenly as boyish as when he was just a teenager, something in your heart softening. You guess he sometimes still carries some of the same insecurities he tried so hard to mask when he was young. Some things donât really change, but you really wish at least this wouldâve.
Smiling at him, you shake your head. âI donât think you still got it, though,â you go back to reply to his initial question, pointing towards the skateboard.
âWell, who knows,â he peeps, âmaybe I could do an Ollie, or something.â
âI really donât think you could, Sunwoo,â you laugh softly, watching him regain his statement competitiveness.
âWanna bet?â
âNo,â you shake your head, âI donât want you to break your bones, so letâs just say I believe you,â you giggle, watching as the boy mirrors your expression, his gaze softening.Â
A short moment of silence overtakes you two as you sigh and look around the garden house, instinctively taking a seat on the red sofa covered in dust. You bet itâs been years since anyoneâs sat on it, and youâre glad to be the one revisiting its comfort. Itâs like solidifying your returnâ like the old piece of forgotten furniture in Sunwooâs garden house is the spawn point of your childhood. âDoesnât this make you nostalgic?â you ask, eyeing your companion.
âWell, I live here,â he shrugs, âso not as much as it makes you, I suppose. Having you here again makes it more nostalgic, though, Iâll give you that.â
His words have you overcome with something bittersweet. Seeing the town you love so much makes you almost regret you ever left. The rational side of your brain reminds you that you gained a lot of experience abroad, though, and so you settle with being just a little bit remorseful of your past self for being so overly-ambitious.Â
âItâs weird,â you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him, the essence of him being your best friendâ your first love, the first person you ever felt safe withâ overtaking you in the moment of weakness, âitâs like everybody moved on, but I stayed here.â
âWell, not everybody moved on,â Sunwoo hums, referring to himself. âJuyeon stayed, too. Eric and MB!Y/N are moving only a few hours away⊠Haknyeon lives down the street now,â he points out, a poor attempt at making you feel better.
âYeah⊠itâs just⊠I hoped I would do big things. I hoped we would both do big things,â you say, tone of voice quiet, your eyes avoiding him. Itâs hard to keep eye contact with him when you share your strugglesâ at least thatâs the way it always was when you were young. The look he offered you always made you feel so tender, so cared for that you wanted to burst out crying. In your age and state, you canât afford to tear up in front of your ex-boyfriend anymore.
âSometimes, things donât work out the way we want them to,â Sunwoo says, tone of voice considerate. âAnd thatâs fine. I wanted to be a star, and Iâm not, but thatâs okay, because hey⊠Iâm happy anyway. Iâm content. And I know that one day, youâll be too. It just takes a bit of time.â
Snickering, you play with your fingers in your lap, legs plopping up and crossed, striking an almost defensive pose. âWere you⊠were you embarrassed when you came back?â you ask.
Sunwoo laughs, the sound so heartfelt it makes your insides squeeze. âTerribly. I mean, look at me in my mid-twenties, still living with my mother. Even back then, I felt like a failure. I felt like a disappointment, but⊠then I realized not everyone had the opportunities I had. Not everyone almost made it professional, you know, and thatâs still something to be proud of.â
âIâm still living with my mother, but heyâ sheâs getting older and the house is big. MB!Y/N moved out, and I wouldnât want my mum to get lonely⊠so I think Iâm doing pretty well, given the circumstances,â he says. Pausing for a heartbeat, as if collecting his thoughts, he continues. âI think you should find the positives in your situation too. Not everyone got to live in New York... Work for the national TV⊠Thatâs still a huge achievement, and I think you should be proud of yourself for that.â
Rolling your eyesâ although grateful to hear the wordsâ you snicker. âItâs hard to do that right nowâŠâ
âI know,â he nods, smiling when you finally look at him. âIt takes time. And until then, well, for what itâs worth, Iâm really proud of you. And maybe⊠maybe you coming back home is how lifeâs supposed to go anyways.â
Biting down on your lower lip to stop yourself from tearing upâ see, you knew you shouldnât have looked the boy in the eyes during his little pep talkâ thereâs suddenly a weight leaving your shoulders, heart softening and growing more tender. Your wounds seem to sting a little less. Itâs strangeâ even after so many years, he still knows just the words you need to hear.
âYeah,â you nod, voice barely louder than a whisper, a soft smile playing with your lips, âmaybe.â
to. my first kiss
March 2000
His eyes stay glued to the TV in your living room, the boy almost looking hypnotized as he focuses on the program running, furrowed brows and all, showing his utmost concentration. A sigh lands into his ears, but goes unnoticed when you enter the room, a scowl sitting on your face. âSunwoo! I told you to watch the oven! What if the cookies burn?â
âYeahâŠâ he mumbles, not a single word coming out of your mouth truly registering in his brain.
âSunwoo!â you grunt, but when you get no reply, you just choose to roll your eyes and walk into your kitchen yourself, opening the oven and making sure the cookies you two have been baking havenât burned down into coal yet. Not long after, you plop on the sofa next to your best friend, tone of voice still showing a bit of frustration at his carelessness.
âYou shit on Eric for watching those, but youâre just as bad,â you hum as you notice the kdrama going on in the TV. Itâs one of the ones that hardly make any sense and each scene is overly-exaggerated and repeated at least twice to create impact, but Sunwoo finds himself living for the drama. Each argument has him examining the scene, mentally rooting for his favorite charactersâ and although he is busy with football practice nowadays, he doesnât skip a single episode of Happy Together.Â
Itâs not as entertaining as the manga comics he borrows from Hyunjaeâs fatherâs comic shop, but he figures that itâs good enough to pass some time⊠and indulge over.
âI think theyâre gonna kiss,â he notes, pointing towards the screen.
âOh, good point, Sherlock Holmes,â you sigh, shaking your head in disbelief. If there was something youâd expect out of your friend, it seemingly wasnât his enjoyance of cheesy dramas that air in the afternoon hours of the week.Â
And Sunwoo admits, he was never the one to enjoy romance. Hell, it was something he always made fun of when it came to his friend Ericâ he was not the one to watch romantic comedies, he wasnât the one to tell girls cheesy lines or bring them flowers on Valentineâs day. He does seem to be enjoying the laughable scenes rolling on the TV a little too much lately, though.
Maybe he should start hanging out with Eric less.
The scene slowly transforms into close-ups of the two main characters, showing them instinctively closing their eyes and leaning towards each other, eyes trained on each otherâs lips. It doesnât take much to predict the next actions, but Sunwoo still finds himself restless in his seat when they finally kiss, legs kicking up and a gasp escaping his mouth. One would think he won the lottery or was just greeted with the greatest surprise ever, with how heâs reacting. None of the two are true, though.
âOh, wow,â you hum next to him, seemingly not really interested in the drama as much as your best friend is.
âYouâre ruining it,â Sunwoo sighs, looking at you as you roll your eyes and settle deeper into the couch cushions.Â
âOh, sorry,â you note, but your composure stays a bit annoyed.Â
Sunwoo watches the TV for some moreâ the scene of the two characters kissing stays on the screen, slowed-down and repeated, in the true 90s TV show fashionâ before his eyes trail off the device and move towards you, glazing your side profile. He takes notice of your casual attireâ you changed out of your school uniform in the time he was supposed to watch the cookies baking in the oven, and something in his stomach churns, making him blurt out the random question that so suddenly appears on the tip of his tongue.
âHave you ever kissed anyone before?â he asks, genuinely curious. He doesnât even know why the response matters to him so muchâ he also doesnât really know what reply heâd like to hear better, if heâs being honestâ but now itâs out in the open and he canât take it back.
âHm?â you hum, snapping your head towards him. âOh. Yeah, I guessâŠâ
âYou guess..?â Sunwoo repeats, furrowing his brows. How can one not be sure?Â
âWellâ yeah. It only happened once, though,â you shrug. It takes everything in Sunwoo to not ask who you kissed and when, or under what circumstances, and decide to despise that person until the day he dies. Itâs not his business and he shouldnât even care in the first place⊠He canât say heâs disappointed in your answerâ itâs your life and your decisionsâ but something inside of him screams that now, he canât be your first no matter how hard heâd try. (Itâs not like youâd want to kiss Sunwoo anyway, so he really doesnât know why heâs making such a big deal about it.)
âWhat about you?â you ask, the question catching the poor boy off guard. He didnât necessarily expect you to ask him backâ so much to his title of Sherlock Holmesâ and the reality that he canât lie to you takes him out in full force as he bashfully stares out of the window.
âNo,â he peeps, chewing on the inside of his cheek.
Thereâs something embarrassing about admitting to the girl you like that even at the ripe age of 19, youâve never kissed anyone before. Shame creeps up his neck and adorns his cheeks after the simple word slips out of his mouth, eyes refusing to meet yours.
âReally?â you ask, and you sound genuinely surprisedâ thereâs a hint of Sunwooâs ego recovering, but he thinks the hit was too hard for him to ever recover.
âYup,â he says, a popping sound heard as his lips voice out the last consonant, the view of him playing with his own fingers suddenly more interesting than anything else happening in your living room right at this moment.
âI thoughtâ nevermind,â you hum, scratching the back of your neck, âwhy are you asking?â
âJust⊠just curious, I guessâŠ?â he stummers, shrugging.Â
A moment of silence overtakes you twoâ enough to make the boy instantly hate everything heâs ever said on the matter. If there could open up a hole in the ground right now to swallow him, heâd jump in with much enthusiasm. Why did he have to ask?
âDo you wanna try?â you suddenly propose, making the boyâs heart feel like it burst and threw him into a cardiac arrest. His hands start sweating, his cheeks tint red and it feels like all oxygen was suddenly sucked out of the living room, his lungs collapsing on themselves.
You seem to try to save the situation, noticing the utter shock on his face. âI meanâ you donât have to, but I⊠I wouldnât mind, and itâsâ I donât know⊠if you wanted to practice with me, or something, Iâd be down toâŠâ you stutter, chewing on your bottom lip as you finish the little tangent, terror evident in your eyes.
Sunwoo feels like a little boy that just found his favorite gift under the Christmas tree. Like he found the most pricey toy there, the one he always wanted, and now that itâs there, heâs scared to actually play with it, because he doesnât want to break it. Much like your friendship, he thinks. Thereâs too much to lose if he crosses this line, and heâs very much aware.Â
But the offer seems tempting. Almost too tempting. God, he doesnât think he could say no.
He may not be your first kiss, but youâre asking to be his. This sounds like a dream, if he really thinks about it.
âYou know what? Just forgetââ
âIâdâ Iâd like thatâŠâ he mumbles, trying really hard not to avert his gaze from you.
Your gaze softens, nodding your head. âYeah?â
âYeah,â he agrees.
âOkay,â you nod again, moving a little closer to him. Your knees knock into the side of his thigh, your whole figure now facing him on the sofa as his legs still point forward to the TV. He keeps staring at you, a little nervous, but expectant. âAre you sure? You donât have to do it just becauseââ
âIâm sure,â he cuts you off, watching as your face relaxes, a smile appearing on your lips at the next addition. âI want to.â
âOkay.â
You move impossibly closer, your crossed legs in contact with his clothed skin. He curses the thin fabric of the pants of his school uniform for making him feel every slightest flex of your muscles when you move, making his skin flare up and burn. He keeps staring at you, watching you as you lean closer to him, your faces now inches away from each other. Sunwoo finds himself focusing on every feature of your face, counting the eyelashes framing your eyes, glazing over the sparkles in your orbs. You stay close for a minute, unmoving.Â
Eyes locking, Sunwoo finds himself gasping a little, breathing shuddering when he notices your gaze falling to his lips. Your breathing mixes, air meeting his face when you breathe out a minty breeze. His heart is already racing and youâre not even doing anything.
When he finds you finally moving towards him and notices your eyes shutting close, he mirrors your actions, but stays unmoving. After what feels like eternity, he feels something soft pressing to his lips, warmth spreading from that part of his face to the rest of his body. The contact of your lips with his is gentle, like youâre testing the waters, and although the feeling is unfamiliar, Sunwoo decides he doesnât hate it.
The weird firework show in his stomach actually suggests that heâs quite enjoying it. Your lips break away from his for a bit, rewarding him with only a peck, and before the boy has the chance to think this is it and itâs over, you dive in for more and kiss him again, this time longer, more firmer.
Your hands come up to cradle his cheeks, holding him close. He feels himself burning up, his composure completely crumbling when he feels you smile against his lips.Â
âYou know you can kiss back, right?â
âMhm,â he hums, opening his eyes to see you staring at him with a tender look.
âTry it,â you say, hands gently coming up to brush his bangs away from his face. If anyone was looking at the two of you now, Sunwoo thinks theyâd conclude that you two were in love.
And maybe Sunwoo was, by the way he was looking up at you like you hung the stars on the sky. By the way he was staring at you with such a vulnerable look he feared you might see right through him, see right to his core and call him out on every unconfessed word hiding in his heart. He looks a little scared, a little tense, still, but his eyes donât lie. They never do. Thereâs no one else that could make him feel the way you do.
âOkay,â he nods, moving in his position so heâs facing you, ready for more.Â
He mirrors your previous motions, leaning towards your face. He wets his lips and closes his eyes when heâs sure heâs close enough to not miss your mouth, and after another deep breath in to calm his nerves, he presses against you. He feels you freezing under him, a momentary panic spreading all over his chest as he thinks heâs done something wrong, before he feels you kissing him back.
A whole other sensation takes over him when he feels your lips moving against his, his fingertips buzzing when he drags his hand up and moves your hair behind your shoulder, large hand resting on your jaw. Heâs not sure if heâs doing this correctlyâ hell, heâs never done this beforeâ but after you move a bit and entangle your hands behind his neck, pressing against him a bit more firmly, yet still tender and gentle like the first time, he recognises that somehow, it feels right, and he thinks thatâs all evaluation he needs for now.
The need for oxygen makes him break away from you, breathing heavily as he opens his eyes and finds you resting your forehead against his, smiling. âLike that?â he asks, shamelessly staring at your wet lips, already yearning for more.
âSomething like that,â you nod, giggling. âYou still need more practice, though,â you suggest, making the boy frown.
âWas it that baââ
Rolling your eyes at him, frustrated at the way he always needs everything spelled out for him, refusing to take a hint, you press your lips against his again, teeth clashing a little when Sunwoo picks up the pace and kisses you back. The TV is a mere white noise in the background now, everything around you two disappearing, all of Sunwooâs senses focused on you and only you. He could get lost in the way you tasteâ like strawberry bubblegum you bought at the store on the corner of the streetâ and the way you feel against himâ soft, tender, warm.
He feels like he could burst. He knows his hands are a bit sweaty, but heâs only half aware of the fact when his palms move to hold your cheeks, much like you did to him before, and your hands entangle in his hair, playing with the strands.
He could stay like this forever, blissfully unaware of the consequences of this act. He could kiss you over and over and over again, even if it meant he was still bad at it and needed more practiceâ he could get lost in your scent, in the tender way you hold him to you, in the way you keep smiling against his lips whenever he does something to surprise you: like get a little bolder and angle your head by your chin with his thumb, getting more comfortable.
Heâs glad heâs sitting down, because heâs quite sure his knees are too weak to carry him right now. When you break away from him again, lips swollen and eyes blown-out, he thinks you might just be an angel. Heâd love to engrave this image into his memories forever.
Although, heâs doubtful that he could ever forget about this. Or anything about you, really.
And even as you suddenly gasp, finally aware of the world around you, running to the kitchen and screaming: âSunwoo! We forgot about the cookies!â,
he wonders just what more you could teach him about life. Heâd follow you to the end of the world if you asked him to, holding your hand in his and not thinking twice. Heâd bring you down a star, if you only so expressed you would like one. Heâd do anything.Â
You taught him what friendship is. You taught him what it means to care for someone. What it means to have someone special. You taught him how to drink (although by scolding him when he was hungover. He felt cared for even with your stern gaze). You taught him how to slow danceâ even though you spent the prom with someone else. Just now, you taught him how to kiss.
And although youâre unaware, heâs quite certain that when heâs 19 years old, spending each of his days with you, although unaware, you taught him how to love someone too.
August 2007
You feel kind of silly, standing in front of the bakery as the sun sets over the horizon, the clock striking near 5 in the afternoon as you gnaw on your fingernails and hesitate a little before coming in. Pushing the door open and slipping inside, the male currently sweeping the floor looks over at you, a look of pleasant surprise sitting at his face and a sunny smile sent your way upon your arrival.
You donât really know why you keep running back to him. The whole town reeks of familiarity to you, every corner and inch of each street filled with the essence of your childhood and your whole growing up. Itâs not like you donât have anything else to ground yourself back to, but somehow, your inner voice always keeps calling for Sunwoo. Itâs weirdâ itâs been ages and you shouldnât feel like this around someone who you havenât even properly dated for that long, if you donât count the few months before he leftâ but itâs something you canât control, an essence you canât hold back.Â
âY/N,â he calls for you, âwhat are you doing here?â he asks as he continues his routinal cleaning, putting the broom away behind the counter.Â
Itâs a stupid question. You bet he realizes it too, but youâre somehow glad he is taking initiative. This way, you donât have to be the first one to spark the conversation. This way, you know youâre welcome.Â
âOh, well,â you shrug, âIâm⊠looking for youâŠ?â you say, tone of voice suggesting that youâre hesitant, almost a little shy to admit it to yourself.Â
Maybe youâre foolish for feeling this way. Because you know what all those things meanâ you know what the lightness in your stomach is, what the giddy feeling resonating through you whenever the male smiles at you is. You know that thinking about someone constantly, more so before you sleep, isnât an usual occurrence with someone you pay no attention to, with someone you donât care about. Youâve been in love beforeâ with the same man thatâs standing right in front of you as well, funnily enough. You know what this all means.
But with how heâs inviting you in, letting you into his little bubble, you think itâs not as bad of a thing. Heâs not pushing you away. Heâs not building bridges. Heâs the same way he was all those years ago, and youâd hate to find out that all of this wasnât something more and was just him being nice.
âWell, thatâs good to hear,â he chuckles, wiping his hands on the apron still tied around his waist. âIâm off in a few, though, so if you want anything from the bakeryââ
âIâm not here for the food,â you laugh, dismissing him with a wave of your hand. The boldness is unusual for the present youâ thereâs a hint of your past shining through whenever you are with the boy, though. Maybe you like this sense of familiarity. Maybe you like to feel real againâ maybe you like to feel like yourself. Itâs hard to admit it, but you did lose your sense of identity after moving abroad. Itâs hard to stay true to yourself with so many new people around and with so many expectations and responsibilities. The pressure changes you, and you now rely on Kim Sunwoo to bring you back to defaultâ to where youâre supposed to be.
âOkay, then,â he nods, thankfully not making a big deal out of your desperate visit, âwhat would you like to do?â he asks, eyes sparkling under the lights when he looks at you. Itâs like an open invitationâ he gives you the chance to tell him how youâd like to spend your time with him. He did this a lot when you two were younger as well. It felt good to have someone that would make the effort to enjoy your hobbies with youâ no matter how disinterested he could be in the matter.
âHang out⊠I guessâŠ?â you hum, shrugging. You didnât really have anything planned. All you knew was that you wanted to be with him. Itâs like the heartâs callingâ you donât know when your inner monologue got so cliche.
âAnything specific?â he asks.
Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you shake your head in disapproval. You fear that you disappointed him, let him down in some wayâ you came all the way here, after all. You couldâve made something up on the way, couldnât you? But stillâ just like the Sunwoo you once knew, so lively and full of ideasâ he just purses his lips for a second before speaking the suggestion into existence.
âWell⊠do you want to bake with me? Like the old times?â he says, sending you a look full of warm honey.
You wouldnât say no to that invitation. Youâd be crazy to do so.
The Kim Sunwoo you used to bake cookies with in the comfort of your kitchen back home wasnât so skilled in making the dough like he is now. He wasnât so good at knowing the recipe from memory, nor was he gifted with the kitchen appliances he has now, all professional and shiny, reserved just for the use of the bakery. You donât really know if he even had the love for baking in him back thenâ you just know you two enjoyed your time together, and when you are young, thatâs all you really cared about anyway. It didnât matter that he let the cookies burn sometimes. It didnât really matter that they didnât turn out well on some daysâ all morphing into one big block, making you cut the dough into pieces so you could eat it when you accidentally added too much butter.Â
He still looks the same, though. A few years older, but with the same boyish aura to him when he wipes dirty hands on his apron. All grown up now, but still with the same glint in his eye whenever he looks up at you in between your conversations. When youâre with him, you no longer feel the distance between who you are and who you used to be, the distance between you and him. Itâs like the old days, but a little better.
Maybe you have more time now.
The two of you work on the cookie dough, enveloped in a comfortable conversation. âYou have to add more sugar,â Sunwoo hums from next to you, watching as you work on the mixture.
âIsnât it funny how I was the one always giving you directions when we baked together and now youâre the one ordering me around?â you laugh, taking the sugar from the counter and sprinkling more in, listening to the opinion of a professional.
âWell, my cookies donât turn into one big blob of dough anymore,â he jokes, laughing. âBesides, itâs my job now, so youâd kind of expect me to be good at it.â
âYou canât be so sure of thatâŠâ you hum, shaking your head.
âWhy? Do you have any experience with being bad at your job?âÂ
âOh you bet I do,â you laugh, nodding. âI was an intern before, Sunwoo. A colleague of mine once tried to console me by saying being an intern means being bad at the job, so it wasnât that big of a deal, but I still cried myself to sleep multiple nights,â you conclude, thinking back to your New York endeavors.
âThat bad?â Sunwoo asks empathetically.
âYeah. Mixed up everyoneâs coffee order on my first day. When I was confronted about it, I tried to play it off by saying I donât have a good memoryâŠâ you muse.
âWell, itâs hard to remember a lot of stuff at once, to be fairââ
âI was getting coffee for three people, Sunwoo. Objectively speaking, it shouldnât be as hardâŠâ you say, now thinking back to the events of your internship with more humor than embarrassment.
Sunwoo laughs at your story, shaking his head in disbelief. âNot worse than my teammate back in Boston. The first match of the season, he scored a goal against our own team. His reasoning? He used to play against the goalie back in high school, so he got confused.â
The boy takes over at making the dough once itâs the turn to add in the chocolate chips, glancing at you momentarily when you laugh at his anecdote. Watching him from the side, you heave out through your laughs. âThatâs actually hilarious,â you get out, washing your hands in the sink. âWhat about some funny stories about yourself, though?â
âDonât have any. Iâm too perfect to humiliate myself like that,â he notes, pressing his lips together and raising his eyebrows at you in an ironic expression, nodding.
âOh, as ifââ
âHow is it?â he asks you suddenly in the middle of the sentence, seemingly done with kneading the mixture. Sunwoo puts the cookie dough in front of your lips, waiting for you to taste it. Youâd do it all the time when you were both teenagers, but back then, the gesture didnât feel half as intimate as the mere image of it does now.
Locking eyes with the male, you hesitantly open your mouth and let him put the dough into it, tasting the sweetness on your tongue. Sunwooâs eyes darken, as if heâs just realized what heâs done, the weight of the situation falling down on him as your tongue comes in contact with the skin of his fingertips. Gulping, he watches as you suck the tip of his digit into your mouth, getting all last remains of the sweetness off of it, something in the air shifting towards a direction you didnât expect from tonight.
âGood,â you nod, licking your lips, âdelicious.â
Seconds turn to what feels like eternities as you stop all motion and look into each otherâs eyes, finding any hint of disapproval with the so obvious turn of events. His chocolate orbs peer into yours, making you ignite with something close to an urge you canât control, his eyes anchoring themselves to the curve of your lips when you decide to let go of all anxiety and insecurities and just go for it. The cookie dough was sweet, but youâve never tasted anything sweeter than Sunwooâs lips. You might just have to refresh your mind, you think.
Leaning closer to him, your breathing mixing in the few centimeters left between your mouths, you relish in the dĂ©ja vu this action brings you. It feels like yesterday, yet also centuries ago since you last kissed the male, and although youâre sure you enjoyed it back then, you wish you couldâve told the younger you to kiss him more often, more firmly, with more passion, maybe even sooner. For longer.Â
Pressing your lips against his first, almost like alwaysâ since Kim Sunwoo was a bit shy with his kisses when you were both just high school seniorsâ your eyes shut close and everything around you disappears. You guess thereâs something about baking that makes the two of you want to feed off each otherâs lipsâ except this time, itâs not practice anymore. Itâs not innocent, itâs not clueless. This time, itâs real, alive and passionate. You canât say you hate the sentiment, the weird parallel your relationship has come to. Itâs like youâre reliving your life again, but this time, you know how the story endsâ you know how to fix the ending. How to keep him here.
Sunwooâs more experienced than he was when you kissed him for the first time. Heâs less shy and more bold, lips firmer against yours, but still careful and gentle. His hand comes up to cradle your jaw and position you so he has the best access to your mouth as he slips his tongue in, as if chasing down the taste of cookie dough he fed you just a few seconds ago, and although you liked to battle him when you were young, you let him win this timeâ you let him take you home, bring your mind to where itâs supposed to be.
Hands gripping the front of his shirt, but immediately going to circle around his neck when a particular movement of his makes you moan slightly into his mouth, you play with the hair on his nape and feel him shuddering under your movements, an automatic response that makes fondness spread over your chest. Everything about him is familiar to youâ he still reacts the same way to your tender ministrations, he still smiles against your lips when you tangle your fingers through his hair and want to ground yourself in the touch.Â
You know him like the palm of your hand. Itâs easy to get lost in something you are so familiar with, in someone that was once your everything. Itâs easy to indulge too much in something that was forcefully taken from you, to get right back where you left with him, because time and circumstances were never on your side.
A touch of his hand on the side of your neck, lips trailing down your mouth towards your jaw. The boldness, the urgency of his movements is enough to have you turn your back against the counter, his body pressed tightly against yours. His palms under the backside of your knees have you sitting up on the cold marble, his lips never breaking away from your skin.Â
Youâre enjoying the shift in the dynamic. Youâre enchanted with the way he handles you, like heâs been starved of you for years, wanting to chase down all the time you spent away from each other. Breathing heavily, feeling his plush lips sucking down on the sweet spot under your ear, then trailing down the side until he reaches the juncture of your neck, an involuntary âGodâŠâ slips past your mouth.
âI missed you,â he says, words muffling against your skin, âI missed you so much, I felt like I was going crazy.â
The confession makes you dizzy, your whole body growing weak. Itâs like he knows exactly what words you wanted to hear. Itâs like he knows what haunted you all those years, what you kept asking the universe on sleepless nights over and over, praying for an answer. Itâs like he knows exactly how to get you close to him, to have you completely let go of the past.Â
âI missed your jokes,â he says, planting a kiss on your neck. âI missed your smile,â he presses another one a little more up, âI missed your laugh,â another kiss, now on your jaw. âI missed holding your hand,â a peck planted to the corner of your lips, âand I missed kissing youâŠâ he trails off, pointing his attention back on your mouth, locking the two of you together again, as if kissing you was his new addiction and you were the drug.
Sunwooâs hot hand creeps up your waist, fingers slipping under the thin fabric of your tank top. The contact makes you shiver in response, your bodies still as responsive to each other as back when you were 19, and when you tug at his bottom lip with your teeth and slip your tongue back into his mouth, you feel the boy tug at the right strap of your top, sliding it down your shoulder. Youâre barely registering the bowl of dough to your right, the fact that youâre in the kitchen of Juyeonâs parentâs bakery, or the fact that you only just met the boy two weeks ago for the first time in years. All you focus on is himâ his touch, his taste, the way he makes you feel. All you know is longing. The desire.
Before you have the chance to take anything further, the sound of the door opening makes you jump away from each otherâ your head almost hitting the top cabinets, had Sunwoo not instinctively put his hand there to shield you from the impact. Before you get a chance to register whatâs happening, a familiar voice calls for you, their tone a little guilty and bashful.Â
âOh, I didnât mean to interrupt, or anythingââ Juyeon peeps, clearing his throat.Â
Glancing at Sunwoo, you see his cheeks redden at being caught by his older friend, yet his eyes still roll in annoyance at the interruption. You canât help but try to hide your face into his shoulderâ itâs not like youâre embarrassed of being with Sunwoo, youâre just embarrassed that it had to happen here, of all places.
âWell, you just did,â Sunwoo grunts, frustration coating his words.
âIâm just here to grab something,â Juyeon hums, almost racing through the room to get to the fridge on the other side of the kitchen, taking out a carton of milk from the inside and showing it to the two of you. âThis is gonna go bad soon, so Iâm taking it home to use it. Uhm.. anyways, well, donât let me stop you in anything⊠bye!â
Neither of you greet the male back, instead sharing a meaningful, knowing look between each other. The view of your first boyfriend with his lips puffy, cheeks flushed and hair a little disheveled makes your senses go crazy, and although youâd like to continue what you started, you donât think now is the right time or place.
Hopping off the counter, you smile. âSo⊠where were we with the cookies?â
to. my first girlfriend
May 2000
Eyes trained on the ball, feet restless as he runs across the field to retrieve it and pass it to one of the shootersâ either Donghyuck or Jinyoung, the more capable ones of the teamâ Sunwoo finds himself completely focused on the game. Itâs one of the last matches of the season, and since he doesnât know if heâs ever going to play his favorite sport againâ he hasnât received a verdict on the university applications he sent yetâ the boy figures he should enjoy each game like itâs the last. Because who knowsâ one day, it may as well be, and if heâs not prepared for it, if he has any regrets, he knows heâll take it harder than heâs supposed to.
Kim Sunwooâs position in football is midfielder. While Eric once told him that itâs a loser position, since heâs not the shooter and he doesnât score many goals (which is a lieâ the boy had him know he scored his fair share despite his defensive position on the field), Sunwooâs grown to love it. Heâs the one thatâs supposed to counter all attacks on his teammates. Heâs the one that runs after the ball and passes it to the shooters, so technically, heâs the reason why any of them even have the opportunity to score. His position is as important as any other player's, and he takes pride in the compliments he gets from his coach whenever he does particularly well at a game.Â
Sunwoo loves football. Heâd say his first love is football, but something inside of him keeps telling him that thatâs a lie (donât ask him why. Itâs a secret.). Itâs the first game heâs ever been exceptionally good at, the first thing he could do for periods longer than a few weeks. Heâs been playing with the ball since he was young, and although he never had a father to kick the football around with in his backyard, his sister was always happy to be included in anything he was into at the timeâ when she got older, she even got better at being his designated goalie, although less interested in the play itself. Sunwoo feels like he lets go of all worries when he plays. Itâs good to have an escape, something to keep his mind occupied. He doesnât have many things to worry about, but he finds that kicking the ball around, making strategies in his brain on how to get it to his teammates the fastest, is enough for him to get out both his frustration and get something nice out of it. He enjoys the thrill. He enjoys the excitement, the shared joy of the team whenever someone scores a goal. He is addicted to the ecstasy in his veins whenever his team wins.
It was easy to determine that if Sunwoo wanted to do anything for the rest of his life, it would be football. Itâs what he enjoys, what he loves. Itâs what heâs good at.Â
Itâs strange to imagine a time when he wouldnât play football. He doesnât even want to imagine it in the first placeâ it makes a chill run down his spine and an unsettling feeling churn in his stomach. In a perfect world, heâs always a football player.
Everyone keeps telling him he could easily make it professional, if he tried.Â
Football is how he met most of his friends. Itâs how he met Juyeonâ he was the captain of the high school team when Sunwoo was a sophomore, and he found that hanging out with the older boy was easy and fun. Itâs how he met Donghyuck and Jihoon (before the latter dropped out of the team after a few months). Itâs how he met you.Â
His coach always warned the players about dating the cheerleaders. For his coach, it wasnât right to do soâ it would throw off the dynamic of the game. âNobody wants their ex to stare at them during their game!â the coach had saidâ not even thinking of the possibility of any of those teenage romances to last. Sunwoo only laughed back then. It wasnât something he should be afraid ofâ he never liked anyone on the cheer team.
Until⊠until he did. Sunwoo met you on one sunny day, at your joint cheer-slash-football practice. You pointed out that the number on his jerseyâ 03â was your favorite, and the boy felt himself smile. Ever since then, he never wore any other number. He considered it to be his lucky charm. What started as friendship blossomed into something much more for the boy, and somehow, he canât even remember when the feelings he had for you morphed into adoration. He doesnât know when they shifted Into absolute enchantment, or Into a silly crushâ he doesnât know when he started seeing you in a light that was more romantic.
Wearing your favorite number on his back, Sunwoo runs towards the opposing player. Thereâs something akin to an angry face playing with the manâs features, and Sunwoo imagines itâs because of the very clear lead his team has on them. Sunwoo makes sure he doesnât slip as he tackles the opposing playerâ he swears he heard someone call the shooter Jaechanâ and as soon as he secures the ball, Sunwoo aims to forward it to his teammate.
The screams resonating all around himâ although he tries hard to filter them out to focus on the game completelyâ suggest that itâs only a few moments before the game is over. It wouldnât matter even if they didnât score the goal, but something inside of Sunwooâs heart leaps at the thought of winning with such a lead. The boyish excitement only grows when he watches Donghyuck retrieve the goal and run towards the goalpost, neon-orange sneakers shining through the green grass.
âCome on!â Sunwoo cheers, a hopeful spark lighting within him as the boy prepares to shoot, eyes quickly scanning the field.
And Lee Donghyuck almost never lets him down. Maybe thatâs why he liked the boy so much in the first placeâ Sunwoo didnât like players that dismissed the chance he won for them. He liked the skillful ones. The ones that knew what they were doing. (He also liked Donghyuckâs humor. He found himself grateful to have a friend so funny. He made even losing feel like it wasnât such a big deal.)Â
Choosing the golden shooter proved to be a good idea once againâ Donghyuck, number 35, shoots for the goal and the ball gets in. Seconds after, the sound of a whistle is heard across the place, the game over with Sunwooâs team winning 4:1.
Everyone cheersâ yells from the audience are heard, excitement reeking through the air. The whole football team gathers around, sweaty bodies sticking together as they perform some sort of a cliche group hug, arms patting each otherâs backs and complimenting each otherâs play.Â
The commotion dissolves shortly after. Sunwoo finds himself trying to catch his breath, eyes looking across the space for someone in particular. His heart leaps even harder when he finds you standing at the edge of the field in your cheer uniform, a big smile plastered on your face. Your eyes are glimmering as they meet with his. Your hair is a little tousled from the routine you just finished doing and there are smears and smudges on your cheeks from the face paint you used to symbolize the teamâs colorsâ blue and gold. Over-all, you look ecstatic.
Sunwoo finds himself running over to you before he even registers that heâs going to do it. Heâs like a fast, unguided missile, the goal of getting to you as fast as possible being the only thing resonating through his excited mind.
âGood jo-â you grunt as the boy finally gets to you, words cutting off when he (maybe a little harshly) puts his arms around your middle and picks you up, twirling you around. You screech a little into his ear and he finds himself laughing at your reaction. Itâs like a runner's highâ he feels like right now, he is capable of everything.Â
âOkay! Okay! Put me down!â you laugh when you start to get a little dizzy. The boy complies, since heâs running out of strength to carry you anyways, and puts you back to your feet. His arms stay tightly wrapped around your body, though, locking you into a secure hug.Â
âWe won!â he cheers, the brightest grin settling to his lips as he announces the obvious.Â
You beam at him, eyes soft and crinckled into little moon crescents, a dumbfounded smile playing with your features. âI know, Sherlock,â you dismiss him again with the teasing nickname, shaking your head in disbelief, âI was here. Cheering for you,â you say.
And sure, Sunwoo knows that by you, you donât necessarily mean him in particularâ more like cheering for the whole team, the whole 11 players on the fieldâ but something about the sentiment makes his stomach feel all light and a slight blush spread over his glowing cheeks. You were hereâ cheering for him (and his team) â and although youâre here out of your own will, out of your own devotion to your hobby, he somehow feels grateful for your presence. You never miss a game. You went even when you caught the flu and felt too sick to do your cheer routineâ you just sat on the bench and rooted for your best friend. (The team lost that match. Sunwoo felt a little bad for tugging you out of your bed for it.)
The boy studies your face for a while. You look perfectly content in his hold. You fit perfectly into his arms, he thinksâ almost like youâre supposed to be there all the time. He should hug you more often, he decides. Sunwoo foolishly finds himself focusing onto your lipsâ he blames the shiny lipgloss you put on todayâ the words coming out of your mouth not quite registering in his brain. âAs I was saying, good job! The whole team, but you especially. Donât tell anyone, but I think you really shined in this game. Iâm really prouââ
A single peck is pressed to your glossy, sticky lips, cutting you off in the middle of the sentence yet again. Sunwoo surprises himself with the gestureâ he was always too shy to initiate something with you, too hesitant to even touch you sometimesâ but the euphoria is still playing with his senses, clouding his brain. He doesnât think of consequences.
He canât control himself anymore. Itâs been weeks since you two kissed for the first timeâ exactly 4 and a half weeks since you taught him how to do soâ and since that afternoon, he found himself thinking about it every single day, every single minute, all. The. Time. You two havenât spoken about it since, making the poor boy a little disappointed, but he respected your decision. He knew that you didnât particularly reciprocate his feelings, but he still expected your dynamic to shift. At least a little bit.Â
And although he shouldâve been glad nothing changed and your friendship didnât crumble because of a simple kiss, he found himself desiring to kiss you every time he saw your face.Â
You peer at him with eyes wide open, mouth a little agape. Sunwoo doesnât really know how to read your reactionâ you didnât look particularly happy, but you also didnât push him awayâ and so in the moment of panic, he begins to backtrack, his arms untangling from your sides.
âI- Iâm sorry if I overstepped any boundary, or if Iââ
Youâre not fans of letting each other finish their sentences today, it seems. Before Sunwoo gets a chance to put a bigger distance between the two of you, he watches as you get on your tippy-toes and press a tender kiss on his lipsâ more firmer than the one he dared to give you, a little bit longer, yet still sweetly short. Thereâs something soft and gentle in your gaze when you pull away and press another peck onto his faceâ the tip of his nose this timeâ and Sunwoo almost physically feels his knees turning into jello, his own celebratory firework show erupting in the pits of his stomach.
âSo, as I was saying,â you hum, hugging the boy around his neck, âyou did well. You looked good out there,â you peep, the sparks in your eyes making Sunwooâs skin burn with their contact.
That day, you teach him that to be loved is to have someone sharing your achievements with. To be loved is to be adored, to be loved is to have someone watching you and cheering you on, to have someone to run to with good news.
Kim Sunwooâs football team won the match, but the boy thinks that perhaps, that day, he won something even greater.
to. my first lover
August 2000
The admission papers arrive at his house the morning heâs supposed to sleep over at your house. Your parents decided to take a trip to your auntâs place for two days, so you invite the boy into the comfort of your home for the weekendâ as far as Sunwooâs mother is concerned, heâs sleeping over at Juyeonâs. He doesnât have the boy covering him, but heâs also sure his mother wonât try to check if heâs telling her the truth. Heâs not banned from having a girlfriendâ he just doesnât want his mum to get any wrong ideas.
He finds the envelope in the mailbox when he comes home from school, and something in his stomach drops when he sees the american stamp on the top right corner of the white paper. He debates on opening it, but every time he hypes himself up enough to tear the top of the envelope off, a little anxious voice on his inside tells him to wait.Â
Although reluctant to admit it to himself, Sunwoo is a little scared to see the result of his university application. Before he leaves for your house, he puts the envelope into the front pocket of his backpack and tries to forget about it. It works a bit better when he sees your face, hears your laughâ when he spends time with you and you two play the new board game you got from your cousin. Still, the weight of the envelope keeps bugging him in his mind no matter how hard he tries forgetting about it, and you finally notice (or finally bring it up after hours of ignoring his weird mood) when the two of you lay together in your bed in the evening, both facing the ceiling.
âIs everything alright?â you ask.Â
âHm?â Sunwoo hums, lost in thought. âOh, yeah,â he nods, âdonât worry.â
You donât seem convinced. Shuffling a little in your sheets, you turn towards him and move your body closer to his, your arm suddenly draping over his middle. A tender kiss is placed on his temple, almost making him crumble under the gentle care, and your voice earns a concerned kind of timbre when you speak to him. âYou can tell me,â you hum, âboyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to tell each other things.â
Boyfriends and girlfriends. Sunwoo feels himself soften under the possessive title. It has been close to 4 months of you datingâ starting with the winning match in April, progressing slowly through the summer breakâ but the fact that youâre his partner is still a little unbelievable to him. Sometimes, when he hears you call him your boyfriend, he still gets a little bashful. He still feels like heâs been told the greatest news of his life.Â
Maybe itâs the nature of this sentiment that has him slowly unraveling to you. And maybe, itâs because heâd tell you anywaysâ youâd be the first to know. He was just waiting for the right time to bring it up.
âThe reply to my university application came in the mail this morningâŠâ he trails off, chewing on the inside of his cheek.
You plop up on your elbow, watching the boy from above. Eyes big, you peer into his face. âAnd?â you ask, an expecting gaze glazing his features.
âI⊠I donât know,â he shrugs, âI was too scared to open it alone.â
âO-Oh,â you nod, furrowing your brows at him, âwell, itâs okay to be scared. I believe in you, but even if it doesnât go the way you wanted it to, Iâm still proud of you for trying,â you say, a gentle tone of voice cooing at him, like the nature of the way you play with his hair, wanting to make the boy relax from his anxieties.
âI have the letter here with me,â he says, swallowing, âin my bag.â
âDo you want to open it together?â you ask, watching as the boy nods.
Heâs getting off the bed in no time, wearing just sweatpants and a baggy shirt to sleep in, grabbing his bag from the corner of your room and unzipping the small compartment at the front. His fingers take the envelope out, legs walking him over back to your bed, your figure now sitting against the headboard. Sunwoo finds himself mirroring your position as his fingers turn the little white thing in his hold with much stumbling, preparing himself for whatever answer awaits him inside.
Glancing at you, seeing you looking at him with an encouraging expression on your face, Sunwoo takes a big breath in and out to calm his nerves before he tears the top open and takes out the expensive-feeling paper. Not stopping his actions anymore, knowing that if he takes another moment to himself, he wonât be able to read the letter, he unravels the note and lets his eyes skim over the words.
Before he even has a chance to register the sentences written down in the letter, before he can even let his mind accept the result heâs givenâ âwe are pleased to announce that you were admitted to the athlete scholarship programâŠââ he feels a pair of arms wrapping around his shoulders, jolting him awake from his thoughts.
âYou made it! Oh my god, you made it!â you cheer, excitement taking over your whole body as you shake the boy in your hold from side to side. The reality still isnât quite settling in for him, so he just lets you do whatever you pleaseâ which includes all of the following: screaming incoherent words into his ear when you hug him closer to your chest, planting a kiss to his cheek and throwing your hands up into the air in a winning gesture.Â
âYou made it, Sunwoo,â you repeat, this time a little more collected.
Sunwoo finally allows himself to put the letter away and look into your eyes. âI made it,â he sighs, a soft smile playing with his features.Â
âYou did!â you nod, grinning back.
Itâs strange. The first step towards Sunwooâs dream is now complete. He got admitted to the university of his dreamsâ the one thatâs good for athletes, the one that is supposed to shoot him towards stardom. He has the opportunity to take classes there and train with some of the best aspiring players in the whole world. He has the opportunity to move out of the country, live at dorms in Boston, and most importantly, he has everyoneâs support.Â
Thereâs nothing more a boy his age could want more. He has everything. His whole life ahead of him, only the brightest future waiting for him at the endâ only if he keeps trying hard and improving. Heâs happy. Donât get him wrongâ he really is. Somehow, though, it all feels a bit scary.
âWhatâs wrong? Arenât you excited?â you ask, a pout taking over your once excited features. The amount of worries you have over Sunwoo gets bigger and bigger the older the two of you are. There are only so many things that can go wrong when you are a teenager, but now that youâre adulting, the list keeps getting longer.
âI am,â he nods, forcing a smile onto his lips.
âYou donât seem excited,â you argue.
âI am! I really am,â he says, trying to battle with himself.
âWhat is it?âÂ
âWhat is what?âÂ
âCome on, Sunwoo,â you sigh, âI can tell when somethingâs wrong. You donât have to hide it from me, because Iâll know anyway. What is it?â you insist, staring the boy down with an examining look.
The boy sighs, shrugging to himself. âWell,â he starts, âthe school is in America.â
âAnd?â you start, furrowing your eyebrows. âWe knew that when you applied. Why is it such a problem now?â you ask, genuinely not grasping the whole situation.
Sunwoo chews on his cheek for a little while, plays with his fingers in his lap. A part of him is telling him that he both looks and seems foolishâ because youâre right. It was his dream, he is excited, and this is good news. But still, thereâs something he didnât really think of when applying. Well, he did. He just thinks that the fact that him being accepted wasnât really a realistic idea, no matter how hard he wished and prayed for it, so he didnât have the need to think about it so seriously back then. Now itâs here, all real, and itâs a struggle he didnât really grasp that he was going to have to go through.
âWell,â he starts again, still avoiding your eyes, âthat means I have to move. And we wonât see each other for a while.â
Thereâs a heartbeat of silence following his confessionâ one in which he contemplates all possible reactions you might give him, some with truly catastrophic endingsâ but after what seems like eternities, he hears your soft, gentle voice. âIs that whatâs making you so worried?â you ask.
âKind of,â he nods, feeling his cheeks redden. You handle him with so much careâ sometimes, he doesnât know how to react.
âAwh,â you coo, taking his hand into yours, preventing him from picking at the skin of his cuticles until they bleedâ an action he always does and you keep scolding him for. âSunwoo, we knew about this when you applied. I am okay with you going away. Sure, it will suck, but itâs only for a little time, and I can come visit you there and youâll show me around and stuffâŠâ
Sunwoo presses a tight-lipped, hesitant smile to his lips. He feels reassured.
âAnd weâll call, and itâs going to be fine, because this is good. This is good news, Sunwoo, and youâre gonna do great, and youâre gonna be a star, and Iâll be so, so proud of you,â you hum, voice tender and caring, doing your best at consoling the boy.
âIâm already so proud of you now, yâknow?â you hum, squeezing his hand. âEverything will be alright, so donât you worry.â
Sunwooâs arms reach out to envelop you into a hug. He once again recognises how easily you fit into his arms, how perfectly you shape into his skin, and when he burrows his nose into your neck, breathing in your scent, he feels your lips reach into his hair, planting a soft kiss into it. Your words did more to the boy than only consult himâ they gave him hope, they gave him joy, they made him feel like perhaps, this is not such a terrifying occurrence. And it really isnâtâ itâs quite possibly the best thing that heâs ever achieved, and the circumstances of him leaving donât seem as horrifying to him now.Â
As long as he knows that you have his back, he thinks he can do anything. And whatâs 3 years abroad against the 4 years heâs known you?
When you pull away, you press your lips against his, the contact making his muscles finally relax and his mind let go of all the worries. Thereâs suddenly nothing in the world that could make him falter, nothing that could make him worry or stress or fret or change his mind, because he has your support, and youâre here with him, promising him that youâll always be right by his side, wherever he is.
Your mouth molds against his, the familiar motion of your lips against his still surprising him sometimes, still making him curious even after those months. Heâs been dating you for some while, but he still likes to explore what makes you crumble under him, what makes you hum into the kiss, what makes you tug him closer to youâ itâs a fun game to him, trying to figure you out completely.Â
He still has some time, but itâs like he is trying to engrave those moments into his memory before he no longer can experience them first-hand as easily.
He goes out to explore againâ his tongue gently inviting itself into your mouth with a swipe of your lower lip, relishing in the way your composure falters a little bit, letting him be in charge. You were always the more experienced one out of you two, so Sunwoo often shied away from being the one dominating intimate situationsâ afraid heâs not good enough, too inexperienced, too immature for youâ but in the rare moments he does take the lead, your reactions give him a new source of confidence.Â
His hand comes up to cradle your jaw, nose pressing against your cheek as he angles you so he has more access to your lips. Something about his ministrations makes you forget to breathe, breaking away from him in a search for much needed oxygen, but Sunwoo acts like heâs been starved of you, latching his lips to the trail from your mouth towards your neck, planting open-mouthed kisses to your soft skin. He faintly remembers the time you gave him a lovebite that one time you came over to his house to work on homework together, sucking and biting at his neck (and although he enjoyed seeing the possessive bruise on his skin whenever he saw himself in the mirror, he wore the strings of his hoodies tightly tied to his neck, shielding him from being teased by everyoneâ but mostly Eric). He tries to mirror your motions, recreating the action to the best of his abilities.
He hears you grunt, making him fear that heâs doing it wrongâ a momentarily panic settling in his chest screaming at him that he hurt youâ but the worries are quickly dismissed as you move impossibly closer to the boy, straddling his lap and threading your fingers through his hair, keeping him close.Â
Humming under his touch, Sunwoo gets a kick from hearing the sounds coming out of your mouth. Itâs like a rewardâ itâs like the praise he goes after his whole life, like validation of his actions being satisfactory for you. The pressure of your body against his lap makes him feel hot all over, sweaty hands holding you by your sides. Every slightest shift of your figure against his makes him shudder, composure faltering when you move in a way that has his breathing particularly quicken, a bundle of nerves forming in his stomach from the newly found hypersensitivity. Thereâs only so much fabric shielding the two of you from each other, and just the thought of it is slowly driving the boy crazy.
Pulling away from your neck, admiring the artwork he managed to portray on your skin, he feels you pulling him up to meet your lips again, heated, firm kisses shared in the silence of the room. He feels your hands resting on his abdomen, feeling him up for a moment before you sneak them under the hem of his shirt, dragging your nails against his skin.Â
Sunwoo hears a sound escape his throat at the contact, making him instantly feel foolishâ until he feels you smile against his lips, following your ministrations by mirroring his previous actions and kissing down his neck, finding all the spots that make him the most reactiveâ like the place under his ear, the juncture of his shoulder. You revisit all the places youâve tested before and perfected your aim to make him efficiently crumble under you. Sunwoo finds himself losing the initial control he had over the situation, instead letting you take over and lead him, much like youâve done in most areas of his life. He likes to be your follower. He likes to see where you want him, where you need him, he likes to comply. Itâs more comfortable for him this way. It makes him swell with pride when he makes you happy.
Another shift of your hips against him has Sunwoo digging his fingers to your side, whole body feeling like itâs electrified under your touch. Placing a soft peck to the spot youâve had your attention on, you mumble into his skin. âEverything alright?â
âYeah,â Sunwoo swallows, noticing you leaning your forehead against his tenderly, eyes meeting.Â
âAre you sure?â
He nods. Heâs never been more sure about anything in his lifeâ he enjoys your company, he loves your touch, the way you make his every sense heighten, his heart beat quicker. Still, he feels a bit nervous at the prospected events. âI justâ Iâve never done this before,â Sunwoo whispers the obvious, watching as you carefully observe him.
âSweetheart,â you tenderly call, placing a soft peck to his lips. âThatâs okay. Me neither, but we could⊠we could try and see where this leads us, if youâd like?â
The sweet pet name alone makes the boy let go of all his worries, of the stress and nerves heâs been holding on to for the past few weeks. You hold him like heâs going to break, and Sunwooâs never felt so loved before. You reassure him that itâs going to be okay. You are there to remind him that life isnât so hard, as long as youâre by his side.
âOkay,â he nods, smiling at you.Â
âOkay,â you repeat, holding his face in your hands as you kiss him againâ it may as well be for the thousandth time. Truth is, while he tried to keep up at first, Sunwoo lost count a long time ago.
Everything there is to know about love, Kim Sunwoo learned from you. You showed him the childlike playfulness during your dates. You taught him how to kiss, only to take advantage of his newly found skills and keep them all for yourself. You showed him what it is to share joys, dreams, but also worries together. You were his first crush, date, relationshipâ and now, his first lover.
In the comfort of your childhood bedroom, holding you closer than ever, Sunwoo dreams of eternity with you. He doesnât realize what a foolish thought it might be. Somehow, heâs got a feeling that no matter what it is, you two will figure it out. You always do.
to. my first love
September 2000
Muscles sore and whole body heaving in pain, Sunwoo trails inside the small bungalow the university gave him as student accommodation, dropping his duffel bag to the floor. His face is pulled into a small frown as he enters the house and his roommate canât help but notice. âEverything alright?â he asks.
âYeah,â Sunwoo hums, nodding at the question. He has 3 assigned roommatesâ all male, all around his age. Sunwooâs english isnât bad, but it also isnât that great either. He knew that this was going to be one of the main concerns of him moving out abroad, but he figured that the more you encounter the language, the more comfortable you get with it. Due to this, though, the two American boys he rooms withâ their names are Josh and Samâ arenât as close with him. Sunwoo doesnât really blame them. Itâs not like he tried to get close with them anyway. He talks much more with Mark, the one year older boy thatâs also Korean, but has been living in the States for years now. The language barrier is nearly nonexistent there, and so he feels much more comfortable.
Not comfortable enough to vent to him about his problems, though. Itâs good to share a laugh with Mark when they eat breakfast together in the kitchen, but he wonât go on and talk his ear off about his homesickness, for example. Sunwoo wouldnât talk to him about the weird, unsettling feeling in his gut whenever he takes the bus or walks down the street, not recognising every face he encounters like he did back home, in his small town. He wonât tell Mark Lee about how much he misses Koreaâ heâs sure the boy has his own things to worry about. Besides, itâs not like Mark talks about personal stuff with him either. After four days of living here, he canât say their relationship got to the level of going deep with their personal lives.
And so, Sunwoo walks up the stairs in silence, not giving Mark more information about his mood. Each step up hurts, since the training is twice as demanding as it used to be at home, making his muscles sore and his back hurt terribly from the stone hard mattress in the bed of his new home. He is willing to endure it, but he also has the terrific need to complain about it to anyone that would be willing to listen.
He should start writing a diary, he thinks as he stares up on the ceiling, chewing on the inside of his cheek. It sounds good enough to channel his feelings out into while also not being a bother to anyone else. Besides, he doesnât want anyone to know that heâs having a hard time here in Boston. This was all his decision, his dream, and sometimes, things are going to get difficult. And thatâs okay. Sunwoo just⊠feels like he lacks the support system he once had back home in Korea. Like someone took it from between his fingertips, forcefully kept it away from him, locked somewhere miles away. Maybe the person who did that to him was himself all alongâŠ
Which is why he doesnât deserve to whine about the fact that he feels terribly lonely. He did this to himself. All him.
If he had a diary, heâd write about the terrible mattress first, he thinks. Then, the weird weather around hereâ itâs always hot, but not humid. It doesnât rain as much. He kind of misses the rain.Â
If he had a diary, heâd write about how he misses his old coach. The high school coach that always made sure the game was fun, yet productive. He misses his teammates as well. Their team never did big things, but he felt like they were some sort of a family. They knew each other well on the field. They had chemistry. They had fun.
Heâd write about how he misses his annoying little sister. How he wishes she would appear in the doorway of his room and talked to him about the stickers she still collects, or dragged him to make another friendship bracelet together. How he feels bad for leaving her all alone back home, even though he was never the one to share his brotherly love for her so outwardly growing up. He feels a sort of appreciation for her that he didnât quite understand when they were little. They are right when they say your sibling is your first best friend after all.Â
Heâd write about the second best friend heâs ever made, Eric. Heâd write about how he longs for his presence, his encouraging words. His funny remarks, the pranks heâd pull on him. How he always appreciated him being just across the street, how he enjoyed growing up with him by his side.
Heâd write about how much he misses youâ perhaps the most out of everyone. There arenât many words he could use to describe how much he wishes for your presence, and so he thinks the pages filled with sentences directed to you would be rather sparse, and it makes him kind of sad to think about. In his mind, you deserve novels written about you. You deserve love letters and poems and essays filled with every little detail of your existence. Maybe if Sunwoo loved you less, he would be able to talk about it more.
When his eyes go out of focus staring at the ceiling, Sunwoo decides to call you. Itâs been 4 days since he arrived and he hasnât spoken to you since you waved him off to the airport. His mother drove him and you couldnât go to send him off at the gate, but Sunwoo almost thinks he prefers the fact that you only said goodbye to him in front of his house. It would be that much harder if he saw your face the last thing before boarding the plane.Â
For the last four days, heâs been slowly settling in, taking in the new country and the new environment. Heâd say he was just too busy to call, but that would be a lie.
He was just scared to hear your voice. Terribly.
What if you changed your mind? What if you no longer want to stay with him? What if itâs too hard to handle? And Sunwoo knows itâs hardâ hell, itâs the most difficult thing heâs ever doneâ but all he wishes is for you to keep handling it well. To keep his heart in your hands gently, like you always have, sending him your energy.
He figures that if thereâs one thing that can help his growing homesickness, it is to hear your voice.Â
Sitting up from his bed and walking over to the bag he carried with him through the airport and kept with him on the plane, he scrambles through the item to find the piece of paper you forced into his hand on the driveway of his house.Â
âWe changed our landline yesterday, so call me on this number when you get there,â you said, pressing a kiss towards his cheek before you let him get into his motherâs car. Sunwoo promised to call back thenâ he hopes you donât mind the delay. Maybe he could blame the timezonesâŠ
Hand thrusting into the front pocket of the bag, Sunwoo feels around and tries to fish out the little piece of paper. Heâs 100% certain he put it there after he got into the car with his mum, making sure itâs safe and sound. He would hate to lose itâ it was some sort of safety net for him. Something to fall back to, something to keep him above the water.
Panic settles in his chest when he doesnât feel the soft piece of paper anywhere. The boy unzips all other compartments of the bag, turning it around, shaking out everything thatâs inside. The phone number to your new landline has to be there somewhere in there. It needs to be.
When he doesnât find it in his bag, he opens his closet. He throws everything out to the groundâ his clothing, his shoes, the notebooks he bought for universityâ all in the search of the stupid, little, yet so important piece of paper. He searches through all his other bags. All pockets of his jeans, every centimeter of his folded clothing. All drawers of his desk, the whole floor, hell, he even crouches to check under his bed, blowing the dust bunnies out of reach, desperately hoping he could wish the paper into existence. He searches his bed. All possible parts where the landline number could beâ some more unreasonable than others. Sunwoo feels like he is losing his mind.
The paper is nowhere in his room. Itâs like it vanished. Was it really there at all? Did he dream that moment up?
Running down the stairs towards the landline, he takes the phone off the wall and punches in the numbers to your old landline, the pattern so familiar in his fingertips he couldnât tell you the number if you asked, but he could recreate it with punching in the buttons in on any other phone in the world. He clenches his fist together, breathing more heavily as he listens in, praying for the universe to stop playing tricks on him and make you magically answer on the other side.
When the phone makes a dismissive sound, signaling that the number he called no longer exists, Sunwoo shuts the phone against the wall and takes it again, putting in your old number once more, like a summoning ritual. Maybe he put the numbers in wrong the first time⊠Maybe he made a mistake somewhere along the wayâŠ
When he gets the same response, he tries again. And again. And again.Â
He canât believe it. Tension settles into his shoulders, making him twirl the cord of the landline in between his fingers as a way to calm himself down, listening in to the dull noise on the other side telling him thereâs nothing that can be done, nothing more that he can do. He doesnât have the number, and somehow, although it sounds foolish, it feels like he lost you alongside it too.Â
âEverything alright, man? You lookââ Mark enters the room, peering at the boy with curious, worried eyes. Itâs only now that Sunwoo realizes he is breathing heavily, fingers clammy on the cord, heart begging to run out of his chest to get all across the ocean to you. Itâs only now that he realizes his cheeks are wet with tears, the solidification of his inner turmoil taking a physical form and appearing on his face, making him feel pathetic in front of the older boy.
Sunwoo once again puts the phone back to its original place, but this time, he doesnât take it back and tries the useless old phone number again. Simply turning away from his roommate, he accepts his fate as he quickly puts on his shoes and slams the door shut after him, going out for a run.
Is this his punishment for waiting too long? Did the paper vanish out of his possession because he was deemed unworthy of hearing your voice? Should he have tried to look for the number earlier? Would this have prevented it?
Itâs hard to run when your nose is stuffed and your breathing hitches with silenced sobs, he learns. Sunwoo doesnât get as far as he would have liked, crumbling on a bench somewhere next to a playground, picking at the dry skin of his lips until they bleed and the irony taste on his tongue snaps him back into reality.
What was once his dream is starting to feel more like a nightmare. When he calls Eric two days after to ask him to get him your new landline number, he gets the news that you abruptly moved out to New York.Â
September 2007
âIf you really think about it, Y/N,â Sunwoo hums, making you shift your attention towards his serious-looking face, âwe never really broke up in the first place.â
The boy is holding a bottle of cider in his hand, one of the four you got on your way to your tonightâs destination. Sunwoo rang the bell to your house a few minutes before 10 PM, and although you werenât expecting to see him that day and you werenât even looking as presentable as youâd like, you agreed to take a walk with him. Somehow, the two of you found yourselves climbing over the fence of your old high school, sneaking into the football field, figures settling on one of the benches of the tribune.
âOh yeah,â you hum, lightness evident in your tone, âyou just never called. Whatâs up with that, by the way?â you ask, snickering when you watch the male avert his gaze in a bashful manner, as if he was embarrassed to tell you his reasoning.
You take a sip of the apple cider, enjoying the sweet, fruity taste on your tongue, watching as the male contemplates his next response for a bit, chewing on the inside of his cheek. âI lost your new landline number,â he peeps, voice barely louder than a whisper.
His answer doesnât register immediately in your brain. The words take a moment to string themselves together into a sentence, taking another few seconds before you understand the meaning of his confession. A soft laugh drags out of your throat, disbelief coating your very essence. âWhat?â
âYeah,â he nods, scratching the back of his neck before looking back at you, eyes full of guilt and shame, âI⊠I lost the number you gave me, and when I called Eric to try to make him get me your new number, he told me you moved to New York, and I guess⊠I guess I took it as a signâŠ?â he says, shrugging.
âA sign of what?â you ask, genuinely surprised to hear his answer.
All this time, you thought he didnât call because he didnât want to. You thought he didnât call because he was too busy, too tired to deal with anything else other than his career at the moment. He was trying his hardest and training every day, so you understood that he wouldnât have time for you every day. When he didnât call for so long, even after you moved to the States as wellâ you hoped heâd somehow try searching for your number even then, because in your mind, everything was possibleâ one day, you just⊠stopped waiting for him to call. You stopped hoping you would hear his voice on the other side of the line.
And you accepted it. He realized long distance relationships were too difficult to maintain, especially in that time and age, and he had too many of his own worries to take care of before focusing his attention somewhere else. You didnât resent him, no. You longed for him, you missed him, but you never once hated him for the decision he made. You wished him well, all this time.Â
âA sign that⊠that maybe we werenât meant to be,â he hums, shrugging. âIt sounds stupid, really, butâŠâ he trails off, cutting himself off in the middle of the sentence.
Something about his confession makes you feel a bit lighter. Your shoulders feel like thereâs no longer anything weighing them down. Itâs not like you waited for an explanation all those years and when you finally got one, something in you shifted into a more comfortable position.
âFor me, back then, you were the right person, wrong time. And I didnât want to let you go, I really didnât, itâs just⊠everything was already so hard and the world seemed to put so many obstacles in my way of contacting you, that I thought it was the universe telling me to drop it and let you go. So you could⊠so you could find someone else, I guessâŠâ he finishes explaining. He averts his gaze from you, pointing it towards the empty field, as if scared to see your reaction to his blabbering. He takes another few sips of his cider, snickering. âIt wasnât fair of me to want you to wait for me either.â
So you could find someone else⊠You think back to all the times you went on dates after you concluded that your relationship with Sunwoo was over. You try to remember their faces, their mannerisms in such detail that you could only make up one of your previous loversâ the one sitting next to you right nowâ and you chuckle at your foolishness. Remembering how you kept comparing every new person in your life to the one that stole your heart first, remembering how you thought about him late at night, wondering where he is right now and how heâs doing. You used to look through the sports parts of newspapers, looking for his name somewhere, looking for his team name, but never seeing a glance of how he was doing. You wore the stupid friendship bracelet he gave you in your junior year around in New York, having people point it out and ask about it, all until it broke off by itself one day and you reluctantly said goodbye to the sentiment.Â
You dated around after losing contact with Sunwoo. You donât really think you found someone else, though.Â
âI wanted to wait for you, though,â you say, shuffling closer to the male on the bench, voice sincere. âIt was my decision.â
âWell,â he chuckles, âlife had other plans for us two.â
His sentence makes you think. A few days ago, it would make you sad. Embarrassed, even. Life had other plans for you two and they didnât align with what you two have calculated during the summer break after your senior year. Sunwoo didnât become a star. His football career never took off. He finished his degree and came back home, bitter and heartbroken.Â
Your plans ended just as fast as you came up with them. Not going to university after high school, you were left with nothing to do. When the opportunity to take an internship for a news company in New York came to you so suddenly, you took it without thinking, trying to find your place in the big world ahead of you. You had no plan, but you think that maybe, some part of you wanted to get away from your hometown all along. You wanted to do big things, make everyone proud. Being a news anchor wasnât even something you dreamed of when you were little, so you guess you weren't supposed to really feel that let down, but the defeat still stings.
Or, at least, it used to. You find that the failure doesnât hurt as much anymore.Â
Looking at the male next to you, you think you know the reason why. âItâs okay,â you say, shrugging, âwe figured it out anyways, didnât we?â
âYeah,â Sunwoo sighs, looking at you with a soft smile playing with his lips. âI guess we did.â
The sound of cicadas hits your ears when you two fall into a comfortable silence. Healing old wounds was surely one of the items on your check list when you came back home, but you didnât expect to get over things so quickly. You donât think you would have been able to get over everything alone, thoughâ and this makes you twice as grateful to still have Sunwoo by your side. A sense of nostalgia takes over you at the fact, but this time, it hits you with more fondness than longing for the old times.
âRemember how young we were? Itâs like I still see you chasing the ball around the field when I focus hard enough,â you say, pointing ahead of you.
Sunwoo laughs, shaking his head at your antics. âYeah. I almost see you leading the cheer practice in the back there,â he points, âin your cute cheer uniform, with the ridiculous pom poms in your handsââ
âHey, donât call them ridiculous,â you gasp, âthey were my favorite part of the whole routine!â
âOh, I could tell,â he laughs, poking fun at you.Â
âWell, you must have liked the pom poms enough to stare at me during practice all the time,â you shrug, teasing the male back. The fact that Sunwoo had a crush on you long before you reciprocated the feelings wasnât something you two explicitly talked about before, but you always deemed as clear as day. Or, at least, it was to everyone back then.
âI did notââ he gasps, making you gently shove him with your elbow.
âCome on, everybody used to say you had a crush on me back then,â you hum, âyou were pretty obvious with it too.â
âYou knew?â he looks at you, eyes big and surprised. Gears clearly running in his head, he tries to piece the information together, running through the memories now so distant, but still so clear.
âGirls always know,â you point out, shrugging. You take another sip of your cider, licking your lips after and speaking up again, tone of voice almost confidential. âI just acted like I didnât. But then I realized I liked you back, so I was trying everything in my power to make you confess to me first. Which⊠took you long enough, young man,â you giggle, seeing the male shake his head at you in disapproval.
âYou couldâve confessed first, if you were so confident,â he mutters, obviously a little gutted by the revelation.
âThat would be below my level,â you nod, pressing your lips together into a straight line, âbesides, it was fun watching you act all cute and clueless.â
âDonât call me cute and cluelessââ
âThatâs what you were, though! Like the time when you got super drunk on your birthday and begged me not to leaveââ
âI didnât even like you back then!â
âSure you didnât.â
âI was in denial,â he furrows his brows theatrically, putting the empty glass bottle to the grass, âbut I see that you had a lot of fun watching me suffer.â
âFine, pretty boy,â you say, catching a glimpse of the boy momentarily shying away, presumably at the endearing nickname, his cheeks tinting pink even in the faint moonlight. âWould it make you feel better if I confessed first this time?â
âHuh?â the boy asks, lips parted, eyes a big, honest pool of honey.
Cute and clueless, you think.
The story comes full circle when you realize that this football field is perhaps what started it all. This is where you ran up to the new addition to the team, saying that your favorite number was on the back of his jersey. As the leader of the cheerleading team, you took it as your job to make every newbie feel welcomedâ no matter if they were a fellow cheerleader or a football player. You didnât expect for the boy to never stop wearing the numberâ although it was your favorite, it didnât seem to be so important back then. (One day, you learned that Sunwoo kept the number on his jersey even after moving abroad. You read it in one of the sports magazines you foolishly flipped through in every kiosk you encountered and almost teared up in the busy store after.)Â
This field is where you watched him play football every week. Itâs where you both practiced, sending each other funny faces after the coach was mean to either of you for not being focused on your training.Â
This is where Sunwoo found his passionâ where he found his dream. This is the place that shifted the next couple of years of your life towards all sorts of directions. This is where he kissed you after winning a match, a gleeful confession slipping past his lips. This is where your relationship started, and metaphorically, also ended. The field that kept you apart is now a thousand miles away, but the one that brought you together is now right in front of you.
You guess itâs only right to use it for new beginnings.
âI think⊠I think Iâm still in love with you, Sunwoo,â you start slowly, playing with your fingers in your lap, âwell, I donât know if my feelings for you ever ended⊠they couldâve, I mean, we were apart for so long⊠I just⊠all I know is that I donât want us to be apart anymore, and Iââ
Your words die on your tongue when the boy cuts you off with a kiss, the taste of apple cider mixing on your lips. The way he kisses you didnât really change even after so many years, still swaying you with the familiarity of his loving. Still, even though you know the way he angles your jaw, the way he presses against you, the way he takes his sweet time, truly showing you how much he enjoys the act, you never grow tired of it. Something in you reacts the same way as when you were young. Thereâs still excitement, thereâs still tender softness in your heart every time you kiss him.
His lips break apart from yours, a playful tint in his words when he speaks to you again. âDonât try to take credit for it now,â he says, âbecause the last time I checked, we never really broke up in the first place, so you could say we were dating all along, all because I confessed back inââ
âGod, youâre unbelievable,â you grunt.
âBut you love me,â the boy says, like itâs the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it is.
âAlways have,â you say, pressing a quick peck to his plush lips, âalways will.â
The starlight glazes your cheekbones when you rest your forehead against his, as if to send him a telepathic message that is worth more than a thousand words. Itâs hard to find the words to explain the mixture of your emotions right now, but when your memory washes up the encouraging monologue Sunwoo offered to you when you first arrived, you finally agree with his sentiment. Perhaps, one word could summarize it allâ you feel truly content.Â
They say you never forget about your first love. At 25 and still counting, you guess you could say thatâs true.
A Kind Of Magic - Queen đȘ
Lost in Our Future ; Kim Sunwoo Drabble
»»âpairing: kim sunwoo x idol!reader
summary: accompanying your friend to shop for her wedding dress, you and your boyfriend sunwoo get lost in your own possible future
genre: nothing but pure absolute fluff and brain rot
warning(s): N/A
â§ word count: 748
*.â§.*â§*.â§.*â§*.â§.*
"But y/n.. What kind of dresses do you like?" he asked after a while of curiously gazing at all the dresses displayed in the room.
"Short and skin tight ones." She answered simply without looking up.
Sunwoo rolled his eyes with a laugh, "no, I'm talking about wedding dresses."
"Oh.." she glanced at him before crossing her legs with a face scrunched in thought, "hmm.. Maybe one with a low neckline. Ah, but it should probably be with lace detailing right? And the bottom.. I like long, poofy ones, but nothing too dramatic. Maybe something like a disney princess. There would be a little train too⊠oh and lace sleeves!"
She suddenly turned to him with a finger pointed upward, "it can't be white. Everyone does white dressesâit's boring to me. A black dress is cool, isn't it?" She faced forward before he could even answer, leaning forward with her arms on her thigh. "Or should I get a tan one⊠Ah but then there's wine purple!"
He silently watched her as she leaned back on the ottoman, exasperation coating her features as she silently entered a self debated in her mind. He couldn't help the small smile that naturally pulled at his lips the longer he stared at her with his usual love-filled eyes, finding her cute no matter what she does, even imagining in all the dresses she described.
"I.. like whatever you like." He told her with the sweetest voice he could musterâthe one he had reserved only for her.
Her head whipped over to him in an instant, her expression clearly showing the daze she found herself in at his words.
Sunwoo's eyebrows began to furrow as her bottom lip started to jut out, thinking he somehow said something wrong to make her cry.
Her hands flew to hold his face as she pouted. "You're so sweet.." She quietly said before placing a kiss on his lips.
Pulling back, she gazed into his eyes with a grin, "but you know, when we get married your opinion would matter too, right?"
She was left without an answer as he sat silently. His face broke out into a smile that only grew as the seconds passed and soon he was giggling to himself.
Her eyes narrowed as she looked him up and down, "..what? You're acting like a weirdo, Sunwoo-"
"Nothing it's just," he calmed down, but the full-on smile remained tattooed on his face in that moment, "you said when. 'When' we get married.. Not if."
Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened as a blush started to paint her cheeks. She went to pull away in embarrassment, but his hands were faster than her, wrapping around her wrists to keep her own planted in place.
It was his turn to give her a peck to reassure her before his head settled further into her hold, "so when we get married, I want my members to sing at our wedding."
"Only if my members get to sing with them." She cheekily answered.
"Of course; I love Seul and Hime. It's only right if they sing, too."
The grin was back on her face as she leaned in once more, already starting to imagine what she knew would be one of the best days of her life, but halting right before they could kiss again.
"Wait.. Does that mean I'd have 10 brothers..??"
Sunwoo laughed at her realization, kissing the tip of her nose, "10 brothers that absolutely love you, yes."
Before she could even respond, their attention was taken by a voice that joined into their conversation.
"Hey, lovebirds!" Her friend yelled to remind them that they were not, in fact, alone in the room, "We're here to find my wedding dress, not plan your future wedding." She stood in front of them, hands planted on her hips as she scolded them, though the smile on her face completely betrayed her.
"Oh, um," y/n glanced at Sunwoo, clearing her throat as she scooched away from him, "sorry.."
Her friend scuffed with a roll of her eyes, "you're not forgiven⊠unless I'm invited to the wedding, of course!"
Y/n looked at Sunwoo, her eyes asking him for his approval. He simply placed his hand on her knee as he sat closer to her.
"You're a friend of y/n's so I have no objections. Besides, you were kind enough to let me tag along even though this is our first time meeting-"
© liamade, 2023. all rights reserved.
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SUNWOO ⊠THRILL RIDE 210829

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can u pls make a jeonghan e2l?? pls pls pls i beg of u
Haii I would love to,, but what's an e21 đ /gen
Leap of Faith ; Kim Yonghee
»»âpairing: kim yonghee x reader
summary: your boyfriend yonghee randomly calls you out late one night, the two of you sharing your worries as you take a leap of faith towards your futures
genre: fluff, light angst, high school senior au, boyfriend yonghee
warning(s): N/A
â§ word count: 2k
*.â§.*â§*.â§.*â§*.â§.*
The sound of your blanket ruffling fills your dark room as you roll onto your other side for the umpteenth time that night. You absentmindedly scrolled through tiktok, lazily smiling or laughing here and there as you waited for sleep to take you.
Your eyes snap to the top of your screen when you get a notification, the smile on your face growing without you even realizing it.
loml yong đ„°
Are you awake?
you
of course i am,, who would i be if i wasnt-
loml yong đ„°
Lol
Tiktok again?
you
you know me so well đ„ș
but what are you doing up mr 10 hours of sleep
loml yong đ„°
Couldn't fall asleep unfortunately đ
you
why whats wrong??
loml yong đ„°
...nothing
Just worried about that test in chem..
you
ooohhh
i dont know why you stress about those
you pretty much ace every test you take babe đ€
loml yong đ„°
But what if this is the one time I fail?
That's all I can think about right now.. đ
you
heyhey your kim yonghee,,,, the smartest person i know alright >.>
you study all the time, youve got this okay?
and even if you fuck up this one time mr lim lets us retake :)
loml yong đ„°
*you're
But you're right, thank you âĄâĄ
you
đ
last time i try and help you
"*you're" đđđđ
loml yong đ„°
Lmao sorry, I couldn't help it
you
đ
loml yong đ„°
Your parents are sleeping, right?
you
yeah why-
loml yong đ„°
Come outside đ
Your eyes widen as you drop your phone on to your pillow, kicking off the blanket and running to your bedroom window.
Peering outside, you could see a man in a hoodie standing under a streetlight, leaning against it as he stares down at his phone screen. A gasp escapes your lipsâthough the guy was turned away from you, you could recognize the matching dog hoodie to your cat one anywhere.
Wasting no time, you rush over to your closet, grabbing whatever sweater you could get your hands on before shoving your phone into one of the pockets.
You slowly creaked open your door, sneaking through the hallway and down the stairs, cringing every time one of the floorboards attempted to snitch on you. Soon, you were outside and immediately blasted with the crisp 12 a.m. air.
"Yonghee!" you called out as you all but skipped in his direction.
"Hey," he greeted simply as he turned to look at you, "..you're wearing the pajamas I got you."
"Of course," you hugged him before leaning back to give him a once over, admiring how beautiful he always looked, even in the simplest clothes, "just like you're wearing the hoodie I got for your birthday~"
"Of course," he copied you, eye smile on display as he habitually took one of your hands into his own, his cold skin sending a slight chill down your back.
"Anyways, what are you doing out this late?"
"I told you I couldn't sleep.." He looks away, lost in thought as something hard to pin swirls in his eyesâa small seed of worry is planted in your stomach as you silently rub your thumb on the back of his hand, waiting for him to continue. His eyes are back on yours as whatever quiet storm they carried seconds before seems to settle. He lifts his other hand into view, a rustling capturing your attention. "I brought us snacks."
You stared at him with pouted lips, wishing you could read his mind and pick his brain for whatever was bothering him. Though you loved spontaneous moments like this with him, Yonghee wasn't generally thatâhe always meticulously planned things like your dates just to make sure you're happy and have as much fun as possibleâso, for him to show up outside of your place at a time he'd usually be sleeping...
"Why're you staring at me like that?" he asked, breaking you out of your own thoughts. The smile stretched on his face now was one of smoke and mirrorsâsomething you could see through.
You shook your head in response, though, because even if you could tell he was hiding his sadness away, he'd tell you eventually when he figured things out within himself. He always did.
So you stuck a smile of your own onto your face, hands immediately going for the bag as you stuck your head in to look inside, "oooh~ What'd you get?"
He was laughing now as he passed the bag to you so you could get a better look. "All of your favorites. I did good, right?"
You pecked his cheek as you excitedly pulled out a bag of chips. "Without fail, my lucky star."
"Lucky star?" He questioned, taking a seat on the curb and wiping down the spot beside him for dirt and pebbles so you could sit beside him.
"Don't ask," you responded with a laugh, already chomping away at your chips, "it just feels right."
The two of you soon fell into a comfortable silence, something you've become accustomed to since the two of you met at the beginning of freshman year almost four years ago.
You were stumbling around the halls, eyes desperately searching the walls for any clue as to where the hell your first period class was. It was the second week of the first semester so everyone else had the gist of their routesâexcept you. You being you, of course, this was only your first day as you ditched the entire first week. It was hard for you to make friends and unfortunately for you, none of your middle school friends came to this school; it was safe to say you weren't excited to start high school so you'd ditch whenever you got the chance.
Then there was Yonghee, some random kid who decided to help you out.
Yonghee was pretty much the opposite of you when it came to this whole school thingâhe was diligent, even went to the freshmen orientation and everything. You were lucky that he noticed you, that your first period on that day was the same class, that he unknowingly let you attach yourself to his hip.
"Hey, y/n?" He called out to you, pulling you away from your reminiscent thoughts.
You simply hummed in response, glancing at him as you went back into the bag in front of you for another snack.
He paused for a second, toying with the promise ring around his finger that gleamed under the street light: it was something he got the two of you last year for your 2nd anniversary. It always made something well inside you when you notice him wearing it.
"Have you.. sent in your applications yet?" He quietly asked, big, curious eyes watching for your answer. They overwhelmed you, making you turn away as you looked up at the moon.
"Nope." You answered simply.
"'Nope'? You know the window closes soon, right? You should turn them in..."
You let out a puff of air that mimicked a laugh, but completely void of humor. "I'm not going to college."
His body was fully turned to you now, his eyes even wider than before from the shock of your words and how casually you said them. "You're not going? What do you mean you're not going??"
"I mean.. I'm not going, Yong. I'm taking a gap year, figure out what I wanna do, whether or not I wanna spend another four years suffering through school."
"And your parents said okay to that?"
"Of course not- I haven't even told them yet; they'd kick me out."
"Y/nâŠ" he trailed off as his head spun from everything you just dropped on him.
You sighed, turning to face him with a small smileâthough you understood his concern, you were dead set on your decision, already having thought it over at least a thousand times. "Hey, it's fine, alright? I'll get a job, stay with Jooyoungâyou know her parents love me~"
Yonghee simply stared at you, not even knowing how to process it all or what to say in response. His face just fell further into a worried frown.
Your smile grew as you lifted a finger to his forehead, pressing at the space between his eyebrows to smooth out the crease, "I'll be fine, I promise, okay? Enough about me; have you done your apps?"
And there was that storm in his eyes againâŠ
He looked away with a sigh of his own, "Yeah, a few Ivy's and um⊠an arts school."
"An.. arts school?"
"For acting- it's stupid, isn't it?" He lets out a pitiful laugh as he lowers his head to his arms that rested atop his knees.
"Not in the slightest, babe," You placed a hand in his hair, gently combing through it because you knew he loved that, "I just didn't know you were seriously into actingâI thought your theatre class was just for the credit?"
"It is⊠theatre isn't for me. I wanna be on a screen.. in dramas like-"
"Like Park Hyungsik?"
He lifted his head to look at you, unable to hold in a laugh when he met your sparkling eyes at the mention of Hyungsik, "if that's what you want, then sure."
"But in all seriousness though, Yong, I believe in you to make it. You've already got the face of an actor," you pinch his cheek as he blushes at your compliment, "you've got endless talent, a drive to do better all the time- if anyone's gonna be the next big actor, it's going to be you."
The smile Yonghee flashes your way this time felt like a blast of sunlight through the temporary reign the moon held on the sky. It was blinding, made your heart beat like crazy, and you knew that no matter how long you end up with him, you'd never get used to his beautiful smile.
"I feel like I can take on the world with you by my side." He whispered out, his voice honey sweet as he gazed at you.
You weren't able to handle him looking at you like that so you thought of the most moment-ruining thing you could do: fake vomit. You started dramatically gagging as you scooted away from him.
"What? What'd I say??"
You feigned disgust as you glanced at him, "how do you always manage to say the cheesiest things without realizing it?"
He rolled his eyes at you yet that pretty crescent sun stayed etched on his face. "Whatever just come back over here or else I'll have to eat all these snacks by myself."
You were quick to cuddle into his side, resting your head on his shoulder as you hugged his arm.
"Y/n?"
"That's me, yeah."
"Can you promise me something?"
You slightly pulled away from him to peer into his face, his eyes already on you, "I've been making a lot of promises tonight, but sure, what is it?"
"Promise me," he started before his hand hesitantly came up to cup the side of your face, making sure you didn't turn away from him as he spoke, "that no matter what happens.. we'll always be together, even if it's just as friends. I can't imagine my life without you in it now."
You could feel your cheeks blossoming red as you tried to stutter out a response, taken aback by the seriousness in his expression and words, "I- um- yeah.." Your hand raises to his own, your finger lightly rolling his cold ring against your cheek, "that's what these rings are for though, right?"
Yonghee didn't verbally respond but you could see the love he held for you color his dark eyes under this bleak night sky. His eyes shone much like his smile, but whereas his smile was like the rays of the sun, his eyes were the light that reflected off the oceanâit brought a subtle, but steadily growing warmth to your world.
So you kissed him. You kissed him to express all the love you held for him, love that he filled you with whenever he could, love that you were more than happy to give back.
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© liamade, 2022. all rights reserved.
this blog is a support group for girls who think theyâre being annoying no matter what the context is
Sunwoo is the type to...
Customize his phone around you
His home screen? A picture he sneakily took of you while you were napping
His lock screen? A picture of the two of you happily showing off matching bracelets you brought together
During a random 2am he even spent the time to give you a special ringtone and notif sound
everyone else is set to default lmao
Has you saved as "loml ă:*:(âżâ3â)â€"
Send you random pics of himself
He's very cheesy about it
Sunwoo: "saw a flower outside and thought of you đ„° *pic*"
The flower in question:
"Saw a cat today"
,,it's still him-
He knows he's hot and he's gotta make sure you know it
Think about you non stop
He could be out shopping with Chanhee
Walking normally
And then STOP
Head turn
"Y/n would like that bracelet.."
(That's how you end up with your matching bracelets hehe)
He's out eating with Hyunjae
Sunwoo: "you know y/n likes that food too"
Hyunjae: "can we talk about my day-"
(for his ovary having s/o) Buy you snacks during your monthly suffering
Sunwoo is very observant when it comes to you
So when a certain week rolls around and something changes about you
Maybe you become a little more irritable
Maybe you start stealing his hoodies way more often
He notices
You're just chilling at home, curled up in your bed while trying to wade out these cramps
There's a knock at your door and surprisingly it's Sunwoo holding,,, multiple bags??
Sunwoo: "I come bearing gifts"
You: staring in confusion because HUH??
Sunwoo: "I know my sister usually eats a bunch if snacks during her cycle so I asked her what she ends up eating but the two of you have pretty different tastes,,,, anyways I pretty much ended up buying the entire store-"
this was when you knew you were in this Sunwoo shit for life because god
a/n: finally... my sunwoo brainrot has seeped onto this site lmao
anyways i'm obsessed with the idea of cheesy, romantic sunwoo so here's my completely self indulgent drabble
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© liamade, 2022. all rights reserved.
I was reading through some of my old unfinished aus to see what was interesting enough to pick back up and realized my writing style used to be so much better in 2020-
This is what happens when you start going months between writing each paragraph đđ

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
I was reading through some of my old unfinished aus to see what was interesting enough to pick back up and realized my writing style used to be so much better in 2020-
Menacing Stare ; Jeon Wonwoo
»»âpairing: jeon wonwoo x non-gendered reader
summary: wonwoo was just some weird dude in your lecture who'd always stare at you with a menacing, judgmental glare. it would've been easy to avoid him had it not been for your nosey mutual friends who wanted anything but
genre: enemies(?) to lovers, lowkey angst, eventual fluff, crack, college au
warning(s): mentions of alcohol
â§ word count: 2785
a/n: this au was inspired by this tweet :)
*.â§.*â§*.â§.*â§*.â§.*
"Hey, you're coming to our party right?" A voice sounds from beside you making you look over, met with Chan's famous smile as he took the seat next to you.Â
"Well, it's less of a party and more of a⊠fun-sized gathering." Jisoo corrected, greeting you with a nod of his head while sitting across from you.Â
You sat in silent thought for a few seconds. It's not like you had anything better to do that weekend besides binging whatever Netflix show you could find in its massive library to satisfy you.Â
"Hmmm, who's gonna be there?" You ask as you pick up some pasta from your tray with a fork.Â
Chan is quick to lean over and rob you of your food, loudly slurping up the noodles as if to purposely annoy you. "Just the usual guys⊠Vernon, Jun, Seungcheol, Seungkwan.." he listed off names as he chewed.Â
You deadpanned at him, "After that? Yeah, I'm not going."Â
He looked at you with exasperation, mouth hanging open as he whined, "but you haaaaave to!"Â
Jisoo looked at him disgusted, hand on the youngers' jaw to free himself of the horrible display. "Close your mouth, you cretin.. Anyways- Minghao, Wonwoo, and Mingyu said they could make it this time too," he informed Chanâand by proxy you.Â
Chan suddenly gasped looking over at you, talking after swallowing your food, "you should bring some of your friends too; it's gonna be a total sausage fest."Â
You completely ignored his words as you slumped in your seat, "WonwooâŠ" you muttered his name under your breath.Â
Jisoo catches this, "Yeah, Wonwoo.. What's with that face?"Â
"I'm pretty sure your friend hates me."Â
You think back on your very limited, but memorable encounters with Jeon Wonwoo. You had seen him just today, even.Â
"Hey."Â
A deep voice quietly spoke up from in front of you, causing you to look up from your phone.Â
You look around confused as there was no way Jeon Wonwoo was trying to make conversation with you of all people, but seeing no one else near the two of you.Â
"Uh.. Hey?"
He was silent for a few seconds, staring at you with that usual narrow-eyed glare he'd give you.Â
"You're in the way."Â
His voice sounded harsh to your ears, making your heart sink to your ass. Glancing behind you, you remember that you were leaning against the water cooler, quickly sidestepping away.Â
"Oh⊠sorry-" you manage to get out before not-so-subtly speed walking away.Â
"You think Wonwoo hates you? Jeon Wonwoo Wonwoo??" Chan asks with furrowed brows.Â
"Like,,, fluffy-hair-and-assortment-of-sweaters-and-cardigans Wonwoo?" Jisoo followed.
"Yeah, him! He's always glaring when he looks at me and he's so rude." You pout.Â
Chan shares a look with Jisoo that goes unnoticed by you. "Really 'cause last time I checked Jeon Wonwoo li-"Â
He was interrupted when Jisoo picked up a fry from his own tray, hurling it at the formers' head. He laughed nervously, hoping you wouldn't ask any questions as he gave you a lopsided smile. "I'm sure he doesn't hate you, love. You can talk to him at the party."Â
You grin at the pet name, knowing it's a habit he picked up from Jeonghan before grimacing at the later proposition. It was your turn to whine, "But I don't wannnaaa~"
Jisoo subtly rolled his eyes, a sigh coming from him. "I'll be there with you when you talk to him then, okay? I'll hold your hand through the whole thing." He tried to coax you.Â
You dramatically groaned as you fell into Chan's side, who laughed at you. "I'll think about it."Â
ËàŒŰ ÛȘÛȘÛ«Û« âčâ«â ÛȘÛȘÛ«Û« àŒŰ Ë
Friday rolls around much faster than you expected, having you sprawled in your bed whilst staring up at your ceiling with a pout on your lips.Â
For the better part of the week you had been slightly dreading the 'fun-sized gathering', knowing full well that when Jisoo said he'd take you to talk to Wonwoo, he meant it.
Groaning, you decide it's best to get out of bed, rubbing the sleep from your eyes after your nap-turned-full blown sleep. Your last class ended at 12:45 so you wasted no time running to your dorm, immediately flopping into bed as a pre-party ritual.Â
As you walk to the bathroom, you look through the notifications on your phone, seeing Soonyoung had blown up your phone an hour before. You rolled your eyes with a grin as you noticed that he had, once again, taken your phone when you weren't looking and changed his contact name.
My love soonyoung best person in my life đ„°đđ„°đđđđđđ„°đđđ„°
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Mfer-
ARE YOU SLEEPING???
WAKE! UP!! đđ€șÂ
âŠ.
Anyways
đ
Jihoon and I are wearing pink so you better wear pink and match us đ„°Â
Or else đđȘ
See you later bestieeee
You laugh as you read through the messages before placing your phone on the sink, not bothering to respond.Â
You strip yourself of your oversized 'at home' hoodie, it having too many stains ofâŠ. you don't even remember what food for you to sensibly wear it out in public anymore. Turning your shower knob to a comfortably warm temp and checking with your arm, you step in, allowing the water to run down your body and hopefully wash away your reservations.Â
You weren't sure why Jisoo was so adamant about you having this conversation with Wonwoo, the former male having checked in with you multiple times this week to make sure you were still going to the party.Â
If Jeon Wonwoo was going to hate you and stare at you with his harsh, judgmental glare, then you were perfectly fine with returning the energy.Â
"Petty." You thought to yourself as you finally reached for your washcloth, pouring some of your new peach-scented soap onto it.Â
As you scrub at your body, your mind once again turns to Wonwoo. Your head swarmed with anxious questions: What if he walks away the second he sees you approaching? What if he just flat-out ignores you when you speak? Or even worse.. What if he tells you exactly why he hates you?Â
You grumble to yourself, lightly smacking your cheek with your free hand. Stop. Thinking. About. Jeon. Wonwoo!Â
ËàŒŰ ÛȘÛȘÛ«Û« âčâ«â ÛȘÛȘÛ«Û« àŒŰ Ë
Around 7:38 you arrive at Seungcheol's place. The whole group always joked about being jealous of him seeing as he is the son of two fairly well-known doctors that oh so graciously gifted him with a spacious apartment. You knock a few times, wiping your hands against your pants to calm your nerves.Â
Only a few seconds later, the door swings open to Vernon who gave you a wonky grin and fist bump. "Hey man."
"Hey⊠dude don't tell me you're already tipsy-"Â
"Of fuckin course he is," someone piped up from behind him, "I told him to cool it on all the beers but does anyone ever listen to me? No."Â
Seungkwan shot Vernon a look, swatting the latter away before turning to you with a smile and giving you a side hug.Â
You stepped in, looking around as you see all the guys sitting around in their own little sub-groups. It had been a while since you all had last seen each other all at once what with all the assignments piling on as the school year started winding down. It brought a smile to your face as you watched all of them happily chatting away.Â
Your body lurches backward as you're suddenly attacked with a hug, the person squeezing hard before pulling back with a gasp.Â
"You look so goood!" Soonyoung squealed as he took in your outfit; a cropped blush pink cardigan over a plain white tank with a pair of white pants. You knew you were going to regret the color of those pants but anything for a cute outfit right?Â
You look him over yourself as a frown forms on your face, eyes snapping to Jihoon who leisurely followed after Soonyoung. "What the hell? Why aren't you guys wearing pink??"
"Uhh," Soonyoung glanced at Jihoon who smirked at him with a raised eyebrow, wondering how he was going to get out of this, "we decided to switch to red last minute?"Â
"And you did that without saying anything to me?"Â
"Well, you didn't respond to my texts in the first place." Soonyoung huffed as he crossed his arms.Â
"Whatever, I'm getting a drink." You say, playfully glaring at Soonyoung before smiling towards Jihoon as you step past him.Â
You walk into the kitchen, going straight for the punch bowl sitting on the island. Taking the ladle you scoop some into one of the plastic cups nearby, taking a whiff of the drink. Ah, vodka.Â
The drink was sweet, the alcohol barely detected by your taste buds. It definitely was a fuck-you-up punch.Â
"Oh, you came!"Â
You look over and your heart stops. Mingyu walks over to you with a big smile, leaving behind⊠Jeon Wonwoo.Â
"Oh, uh.. Hi-" you manage to get out, trying your hardest to keep your eyes from glancing at the other male in the room.Â
Mingyu wraps you in a hug as he smiles down at you. "How have you been? It's been a while."Â
"I-I'm fine. How are you?"Â
A pout immediately takes over his face. "Animal science kicking my ass as usual."Â
You laugh. It always amazed you how good Mingyu's ability to calm the people around him was.Â
The two of you settle into a friendly conversation, catching up and all the likes. It doesn't go unnoticed by you, though, the way Wonwoo stood planted in his spot whilst staring at you. Any other time it would offset you, make you squirm under your skin, but again, with Mingyu by your side you hadnât felt the need to run.Â
Sooner or later you moved on from the kitchen, grabbing another cup of the dangerous punch as you moved around the apartment to greet everyone else. You eventually end up settling on the couch with Jisoo and Jeonghan, Chan sitting on the floor between your legs as you played in his hair.Â
Everything seemed to be going well for a while before Jisoo leaned over and whispered in your ear, âSo? When should we go and have a chat with Woo?â the nickname, you assumed, meant Wonwoo.Â
You leaned toward him to whisper back, âActually, I would rather not do that. Thanks.âÂ
Jisoo gave you a disapproving look. âYou know you canât always run away from your problems, right?âÂ
He was right. Well.. sort of. In theory, his words were those to live by but when it came to having to âtalk it outâ with someone who clearly hated you? Yeah, youâd rather just fucking haul ass away from the problem.Â
âWhat are you two whispering about? Whose secret are we telling~â Jeonghan butted into the conversation with a grin, ears always open for whatever gossip he could find around campus.Â
âNothing serious; just them being a wimp,â Jisoo responded. You looked at him incredulously.Â
âToo scared to talk to a crush or something? Who is it?â the blond looked at you with sparkling eyes, leaning over Jisooâs lap and latching his hands to your thigh to shake it.Â
You huffed, âThere is no crush goddammit.â
His face fell as he pulled away, suddenly less interested in you and more into Chan who rambled on about shots.Â
Jisoo looked back over to you with a raised brow. You stared back, silent as the two of you entered a staring contest.Â
You end up blinking first, âArgh, FINE. Letâs get this over with.â You stood from your spot as you grabbed your drink, downing the rest of it whilst Jisoo stood up beside you with a triumphant yet gentle smile.Â
You look around the room, finding the tall meanie in a corner now talking to Seungcheol, Minghao, and Seokmin. Jisoo notices as you take in a shaky breath and holds your hand in his own to reassure you.Â
âWonwoo, can we talk to you for a second?â Jisoo speaks up for you.Â
Wonwoo looks at him then down to you⊠and next down to your enclasped hands.Â
Seokmin laughs, âOooh heâs in troubleeee~â Minghao snicked beside him while Seungcheol slapped his shoulder, muttering something about how nosey he was.Â
Wonwoo looks back at you with narrowed eyes, making you frown. He passes his cup to Seungcheol before pushing himself off of the wall. âYeah sure.â
Jisoo suggests talking in Seungcheolâs room for more privacy and so the three of you make your way down the hall. Somewhere along the way Jisoo who walked behind the two of you let go of your hand without you noticing because of your bubbling nerves.Â
âHave fun you two!â he said in a sing-songy voice.
âWha-â you barely get out before turning around, seeing the room door close behind you with Jisoo on the other side. You shook the doorknob but to no avail, as you heard Jisoo say something about not letting you out until you settle this.Â
You slowly turn back around, watching as Wonwooâs gaze turned from the door down to the floor as he stuffs his hands into his jean pockets. "What did you want to talk about?.." he trailed off.Â
It's now that you finally take in his outfit. Black jeans with rips in the knees⊠and a blush pink sweater similar to your cardigan.
Kwon Soonyoung strikes again it seems.
"I- well you um.." You stammer, gulping as you conjure up all of your courage, "Why.. why do you hate me so much?" You manage to get out your question, your hand absentminded twiddling with your chain bracelet.Â
His eyes widened as they snapped back to yours, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "What're you talking about?"Â
Your eyes looked between his own, mirroring his expression. "What do you mean 'what am I talking about'," you fold your arms in front of you defensively, "you're always glaring whenever you look at me and that mouth of yours is quite rude!" Huffing, you point your chin up at him while throwing your head to the side in feigned confidence.Â
He scratches the back of his neck as a blush settles onto his cheeks. "That's not.." He sighed, "my glasses broke a few months ago while I was playing soccer with the guys and they're kinda expensive to fix so⊠Wasnât glaring, Iâm just pretty fucking blind."Â
"Oh.." You whisper out. Well, there's the mystery of his infamous glare solved but..Â
"And," he starts again, his voice a little louder than before to make sure you're listening to his every word, "I'm sorry if I came off rudeâI just.. don't know how to talk to people I like."Â
You stare at him, "you talk to the guys just fine, though?"
"No, I mean I like you in the sense that," he paused as he looked away in thought before returning his gaze to your eyes, his own looking softer than youâre used to, "I want to take you on a date, tomorrowâif you'd let me?"Â
Months of longing stares in your direction, small words muttered toward you. It felt as if a large weight was lifted from Wonwoo's shoulders after finally getting to tell you his feelings, even if it were in such a roundabout way.Â
He studied your silent, stunned expression as his heart sped with the sense of impending rejection.Â
"I- me?" You ask dumbly,Â
He couldn't help but laugh, this being the first time you'd ever seen a smile on his face in your presence. You took in the way his eyes screwed shut, the way his nose scrunched, and the deep, melodious sound that vibrated in his throat.Â
"You're the only other person in this room."Â
Heat rushed to your ears as embarrassment washed over you. "Oh, right um.. Sorry-" you stumble before clearing your throat. "I would⊠like that, yeah." You answer, barely containing the smile that wanted to swim its way onto your face as you finally resolved the problem that had been plaguing your thoughts for a while now. You were getting the chance to learn more about Jeon Wonwooâgain a new friend or maybe something even more.Â
The shy glances exchanged between the two of you were interrupted when the door opens up behind you, revealing Chan, Seokmin, and Soonyoung standing there with shit-eating grins, your eyes catching as the rest of the guys ran down the hall to act as if they weren't there eavesdropping the entire time.Â
Jisoo's head pops into frame from the side as he laughs,
"Okay, I think our work here is done!"Â
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Birthday Hat ; Park Seonghwa
»»âpairing: park seonghwa x non-gendered reader
summary: There's nothing cuter than seeing your cute boyfriend Seonghwa happily indulging in his little arts and crafts for his favorite cat.
genre: fluff, boyfriend seonghwa, cat dad seonghwa
warning(s): N/A
â§ word count: 1059
*.â§.*â§*.â§.*â§*.â§.*
You heave a sigh while stretching your arms behind your head, pushing open the front door to your apartment.
After a long day at work, you wanted nothing more than to strip yourself of your uniform, plop down onto the couch, and binge whatever show you could find on Hulu with your boyfriend Seonghwa.
You lazily dump your stuff by the door, telling yourself you'd put it all away later knowing full well that your bag wouldn't move from its spot till you needed it the next day.
Stepping into the living room you look around confused, not seeing Seonghwa nestled in his favorite spot in front of the tv where he usually waited for you to come home.
Recently, the man had taken up a new hobby which kept him in that spot for long.
~knitting~
You thought it was cute he had taken up such a "grandma" hobby, making you scunkly little sweaters that you definitely could've never fitted into unless you were a baby. He'd always smile wide in response when you'd say that, raising an eyebrow and poking your side in a teasing manner.
It was only when the faint sound of blithe humming reached your ears did you realize he was occupied with something in the kitchen.
"How's my favorite malewife?" you jokingly greeted, leaning against the counter beside him.
He laughed in response, placing a quick kiss on your temple before going back to whatever it was he was doing. "So,,, you know how it's Ddeonghwa's birthday today?"
Ddeonghwa: your beloved fur child that you adopted almost a year and a half ago; just a few weeks before you started dating Seonghwa.
The name, while cute, served as a constant reminder of your embarrassment when your best friend blurted it out in front of your then-friend-Seonghwa. It was one of his nicknames and while stuck on what to name your new tabby cat, it was the first thing to come to your lovesick brain. Good thing it did, though, or else you'd be minus one boyfriend right now.
"Yeah, how could I forget? I brought him a few new toys after work." you nodded in the general direction of the door.
"Right, so I thought 'why not make him a cake?'" he boldly gestured to the concoction on the counter, "now I'm making him a cake!"
"Out of tuna and cheese?"
He nodded with an enthusiastic smile in response.
You stared at him for a few seconds before chuckling, wrapping your arms around one of his own, and snuggling into his side. "Okay, how can I help, Chef?"
Almost twenty minutes later and your little catcakes are out of the oven and cooled, ready for the judgment of the birthday boy.
Seonghwa excitedly brings them to the living room after scooching over the rug and coffee table to make space on the floor for the small serving dish.
He disappeared for a second coming back with both your cat and some sort of paper with little drawings on it. It was only when he sat down with Ddeonghwa in between his legs did you realize what it was.
Seonghwa had spent god knows how long cutting and coloring paper to resemble a mini little birthday hat, complete with a pastel pink ribbon for the string.
"Look what I made~" he presented it proudly to you as you took a seat beside him.
You laughed lightly as you leaned in, one hand giving little scratches behind Ddeonghwa's ear while the other gently held the makeshift hat to get a better view of it. It read "Ddeonghwa Birth" with a large 2 under it and differently colored squiggles.
"This is cute but how do you plan to get it on him?" you playfully smirked, already imagining the fur child running as soon as the hat touched his head.
"With my incredible charm, intellect, and ever-growing love for him."
You rolled your eyes at him, handing the hat back over and gesturing for him to try his luck.
"Hi, baby~ It's your birthday so I made you a hat. Wear it nicely to prove me right, okay? Ahaha." Seonghwa forced a laugh as he warily tied the ribbon into a pretty knot.
A few oddly tense seconds go by almost in slow motion as the three of you sit unmoving.
"See? He's wearing i-"
As if on cue, Ddeonghwa starts to shake his head, effectively ridding himself of the foreign object tied to him. He begins chewing on it and playing with the ribbon.
"Seems like you got him a new toy too." you teased.
Seonghwa pouted as he stared down at his former masterpiece. "That took me thirty minutes to makeâŠ"
Your hand found its way to his hair, running your fingers through to comfort him. "Don't worry, babe. There's still the cake â he'll love that for sure."
"Ah, right!" Seonghwa clapped as he remembered the cake, accidentally startling the cat purring in his lap. Gently picking up Ddeonghwa, he placed him in front of the plate. "Here, yummy cake, eat itâŠ.. Please I beg-"
Ddeonghwa sits on his hind legs before bending down to sniff the food in front of him. You look over at Seonghwa who watched with fists balled in anticipation.
It doesn't take long before Ddeonghwa starts to take bites out of the cake, small nibbles at first before deciding that he enjoyed it. He grabs the cake in his mouth and runs off to who knows where.
"W-what does that mean-"
"I think that means you succeeded."
Seonghwa sighs in content while leaning back until he was lying on the floor. He motioned for you to come over, giving you one of his arms to rest your head on.
Putting his free hand on your waist, he pulled you closer, silently staring into your eyes.
You stared back with an easy smile, giggling as you ask, "What?"
"Nothing new, I just love you."
You faked a frown at his cheesy line, "Yeah, yeah. I love you too, Hwa."
Just as you lean up to give your boyfriend a kiss, brown flashes between you which causes Seonghwa to jump in surprise.
Your favorite tabby now laid between the two of you, unknowingly ruining your moment as he happily groomed himself with a full tummy.
God, did you love your little family.
a/n: I think this is my first time writing in second-person pov so this isn't awkwardly written,,
anyways happy birthday irl to seonghwa and happy birthday in-universe to ddeonghwa !!
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Wishing the happiest birthday to our shining star Park Seonghwa
The urge to write is so high yet the beginning paragraph does not exist in my head đ

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Picture Perfect and Otherwise ; Kang Yeosang
»»âpairing: kang yeosang x ateez members
summary: ăThe image in a photograph is a mere illusion
But I suppose it is humanity's vain dream to preserve it because you fear that one day it will be forgottenă
Yeosang captures every moment he shares with his friends, wanting to relive them again and again.
genre: angst, obsession, slight crack, high school au
warning(s): d e p r e s s i o n, off-screen character deaths
â§ word count: 2909
a/n: thank you to my beautiful hubby sebastian from black butler for the amazing quote seen in the summary that inspired this entire brain dump
*.â§.*â§*.â§.*â§*.â§.*
ăThe image in a photograph is a mere illusion,ă
The sound of a camera shutter was faint when drowned out by the sound of life around him. Yeosang twisted his torso every which way, staring through the lens for anything he found worth capturing. His sight landed on his friends gathered together, laughing as they enjoyed their time off. They were in a Mcdonald's, the group of eight far too large for any set tables inside meaning they had to take it into their own hands and push some tables together.
He watched them from afar, his finger gently pressing down the shutter button halfway, trying to bring the camera into focus. Every so often heâd press fully to save the memory, a fond smile etched onto his face just watching them have fun.
âHey, Yeosang!â
âH-huh..?â he stuttered out when a face suddenly appeared in front of the lens, his eyes wide as he lowered the camera and looked up at his peach-haired friend.
âForget the camera for a second; Sanâs about to down twenty milkshakes!â Yunho exclaimed with his usual wide smile as he took Yeosangâs hand into his own, dragging him over to the group.
âWhy the hell is he drinking twenty milkshakes??â
âFor twenty bucks of course,â he stated as if it were just the most normal thing.. Well, except- it was for them. âJongho bet twenty dollars that he wouldnât be able to get through it.â
âHey, San⊠I donât know if this is really a good idea..â Seonghwaâs apprehensive words glided into Yeosangâs ears as soon as he reached the table. San was already lining up the milkshakes in front of him, barely listening to Seonghwaâs concerns.
âHyung donât worry! Anything can be a good idea if itâs for money,â he reassured, flashing a smile as sweet as those vanilla milkshakes that were sure to fuck up anyoneâs stomach with the quantity he was going to attempt to practically inhale at once.
ââAnythingâ you say? So if I were to shoot that guy,â Jongho points to a random, middle-aged businessman sitting lone in a corner, âfor a hundred dollars, thatâs a good idea?â
âOr, or, if I were to take that gun and rob this very McDonalds, it would be a good idea?â Yunho joined in, a stupid grin on his face as he raised his eyebrows suggestively.
Mingi stood from his seat, hand on Sanâs shoulder as he stared him dead in the eyes, âIf I were to run butt-ass-naked in front of a camera that was live recording to the local news for fifty dollars, that would be a good idea to you?â
San stared back at him, jaw slack as he judged the boy that looked at him, scarily serious about the question before harshly pushing him to the side with a playful scowl. âDude, get the hell away from me-â
âIt deeply concerns me that all of your money-making thoughts are highly illegal..â Hongjoong spoke tiredly as he rubbed his temples to null the headache he was getting from their antics.
âAnyways,â Jongho quickly spoke, turning to San who was reaching for one of the milkshakes, âletâs get on with this, itâs almost 8 pm.â
Yeosang laughed along quietly as he observed them all, camera back to his face to photograph Sanâs eventual downfall. He loved being here with them all, even if he wouldnât admit it out loud. He felt alive when they met up. He felt cared for, he felt seen. He felt like he finally belonged somewhere and he wouldnât give that feeling up for the world. Heâd do whatever he could to be with his friends forever, whatever it takes.
ăBut I suppose it is humanity's vain dream to preserve it,ă
âYeosang! Be helpful for once and help me carry these damn chairs.â
The boy was scrolling through the pictures taken on his camera, a faint smile on his face before he was called over to the storage room by Hongjoong. They were all on cleaning duty of the schoolâs auditorium for detention one faithful afternoon just before winter break a few days later. Never again was Yeosang going to subscribe to any stupid idea concerning the boysâ bathrooms that came from San and Mingi.
He looked from the storage room and back down to the device in his hands, eyes slightly frantic as he didnât know what to do. He definitely couldnât move those chairs while still holding the camera but placing it down somewhere⊠It wasnât something he would ever do. But there is a first time for everything right? So his hands were slow and hesitant as he left it on the table he was leaning against before jogging over to help his struggling friend.
âFinally youâre here.â Hongjoong sighed, letting out a couple of huffs as he attempted to lift more chairs than his entire body mass.
âHyung.. You uh- You donât have to carry so many at once.â Yeosang reminded as he worried about the strain the othersâ arms were being put through.
âItâs fine-â voice as strained as his arms, âI can handle it..â
âI could simply huff and puff and blow your whole shit down.â a new voice said from the entryway. Yeosang turned to look behind him, finding Mingi leaning against the door nonchalantly.
âI donât want to hear a single thing from you Mr. âI-Eat-Ass-Call-Meâ.â Hongjoong deadpanned with the roll of his eyes.
âIâm still not over that.â Wooyoung shows up now, too, âWhat sort of dumbass number one, pulls such a lame âprankâ and number two, uses their own phone number for it?â
âThe dumbass named Song Mingi it would seem.â Jongho appears with an answer.
âHey, letâs not forget, this is the only consistently straight-A student in our group weâre talking about here.â
Hongjoong stares at them incredulously, âSeonghwa- What are all of you doing here? You have work to get to.â
âWeâve finished so we came to bother you.â
â..the lord must be smiling upon me today with the amount of patience I have right now.â
Seonghwa spoke up to interrupt their bickering, âAnyways, letâs finish up in here too so we can rest in the auditorium or something. Yunho and San went out to get snacks.â
It didnât take long for the five of them to finish up even with Jongho who more worked to distract them than worked to help them. They were now sitting on the auditorium floor in a circle, a pile of snacks in the middle of them for everyone to reach and grab whatever theyâd like.
Yeosang loved being here with them; seeing them all happy and smiling while joking around with each other like normal high school boys did. He had missed this for a while.. His time without them was excruciating, unbearable, and completely miserable. But he was able to see his friends again, all with the help of his-
âYunho.. Did you buy expired food or something?â Wooyoung spoke up amongst the already lively conversation.
âYou know what, now that you mention it, I feel a bit funny.â Jongho was sat with a frown, hand rubbing his stomach as he looked between Yunho and San.
âThey all seem to be up to date,â Seonghwa sifts through all of the packages as he checks the dates, âbut I feel sick too.â
One by one the others agreed, all feeling ill but without any reason. All except.. Yeosang. Yeosang who took to observing the group with furrowed eyebrows. Why was everyone else affected but himself? Why was he the only one sitting pretty without a problem?
âOH MY GOD!â the sound of Wooyoung screeching pulls the blond out of his thoughts, âWhy is Sanâs hand.. GLITCHING?â
Glitching? Like.. in games? In movies?
Their attention is undivided on San who stared terrified at his disembodied hand. They were frozen in what could only be described as terror. Their friend was glitching in âreal-lifeâ.
Yeosangâs stomach started to churn. Not in pain like everyone else but with unease. His fingers fiddled with themselves, not knowing what to do when they were so alone. Alone without
âMy camera!â he shot up to his feet, eyes frantically searching the empty table where he had last set it. The camera. The fucking camera.
âWho gives a fuck about your stupid camera?! San is- San is doing whatever heâs fucking doing!â Mingi started to pace back and forth, a habit he had whenever he was panicking. They were all panicking, reasonably so. The unknown was terrifying. What was happening to them now? Some glitched like San, some seemed to be fading in and out of sight, and others were completely see-through in certain places. Almost as if they were all erasing from existence itself.
Yeosang ignored Mingi though, looking high and low for the camera.
At some point, he came to the conclusion that someone must have stolen it while they were all huddled in the cramp storage room. It was nowhere near cheap â a family heirloom amongst, what became, only the men of said family as the women were uninterested and wary of their familyâs old practices.
He darted through the halls in search of any student still in the school after such long hours since the school day officially concluded. His legs burned as he went through the large school but he couldnât stop, not now. Not when his friends were hurting again. He was desperate.
It was on the third floor where he slid open a class door, finding a lone male student perched on one of the desks.
âWhat the actual fuck do you think youâre doing?!â
The studentsâ head shot up at the sudden yelling directed toward him. In his hands was that faithful camera and from the angle it was titled in his hands, Yeosang could tell he was cycling through the photos, editing and otherwise just playing around with the pictures as if they meant nothing. As if it affected no one.
The blond was fuming, to say the least. He stormed over to the student, snatching back his belongings into his hands. âWhy the hell do you have this?â It was taking everything out of him not to grab that thing by the collar. He wasnât usually a confrontational person, not a single person in school having ever seen him angry before but when his friends were brought into question⊠he could feel all emotions at once if the situation called for it.
âLook man,â the thing held its hands up in nonchalant surrender, âyou left it lying around. I thought it was free game.â
His fists started to tighten at his sides from the sheer stupidity that was stabbing into his ears and wasting brain capacity he could be using to store literally anything else. âGet. Out.â he seethed with the nastiest glare he has probably ever conjured up. The thing simply rolled its eyes, strolling out of the classroom like this was all a normal occurrence to it.
Yeosang let out the breath he was holding in, sinking to his knees as he pulled the camera to his chest, holding onto it for dear life. He whispered countless âsorryâs to his friends, gently stroking his precious device as if to soothe it. âNow letâs get you guys all fixed okay? You can finally stop panicking..â
ăbecause you fear that one dayă
âMom?â Yeosang called out as he stepped from behind the wall and into the living room where his mother was lounging on the couch.
She looks over at him with a smile, but Yeosang could tell there was something hidden behind it. There was always something with her and her smiles were never genuine in his eyes. âYes, dear?â
He steps closer to her, fingers tapping against his thighs to keep himself calm. â..whereâs my camera?â
Her smile faltered for a second before she faked another one. Just like always. âIt wasnât in your room like usual?â
Her voice was sweet; sweet to the point it made him feel sick. His stomach churned as he slowly shook his head, fingers picking up speed as he began to grow anxious. âItâs- Itâs not in my room at all.. I looked everywhere and I can't find it..â his stare bored into her eyes as if trying to read her. She was already starting to see him slipping. âYou know how much that camera means to me right? Yo- you know.. that I need it... right?â
She slowly stood to her feet, cautiously stepping close to her son and resting her hands on his shoulders. Her hands moved along the length of his arms in an attempt to comfort him, âYeosang, sweetie, you donât âneedâ that old camera. Maybe itâs for the best that youâve lost it?â
His breathing started to pick up at her abhorrent suggestion, his hands started to ball up at his side, ââFor the bestâ..? âFor the bestâ?!â He threw her arms away from his body â everywhere it touched leaving his skin burning and feeling diseased. He stepped back to create distance between himself and this thing âWhere is it.. Where.. is it? Where is it?!â
âI told you, I donât ha-â
âNO! No! No. no no no no no..â
His breathing was labored as he dropped to the floor, hands over his ears as he shook his head wildly, the word ânoâ slewing from his lips into a mess of incoherent letters. His eyes were starting to fill with tears as he continued to yell and his hands started to hit the side of his head, not caring if he got seriously hurt or bruised. His heart had never moved this fast, not even last time.. He couldn't hear a thing over the sound of his hectic breathing, not that he even wanted to hear anything else.
He had lost it all in the span of a single night's sleep.
It was gone.
They were gone.
âYeosang! Yeosang, please! Itâs- Itâs in my room..â She hated when he was like this. She hated his episodes. She hated the way her son had become. And she especially hated that camera that he was so dependent on.
He wasted no time running towards the stairs, desperate to have his camera right where it belonged in his nimble hands that were shaking from the fear of losing everyone he loved. He stumbles up the stairs, tripping over his own feet but he couldnât care less if his knees yelled in pain, if his ankle throbbed for him to slow down and stop. He wasnât important to himself at all.
His tears finally started to spill over as his eyes locked onto what he considered to be the center of his entire world because without it, what was his point in living?
âGod.. I missed you guys.â he sighed as he scrolled through the pictures, stopping on one of his favorites. The eight of them at a beach in Busan during the summer a few years ago, all looking into the camera with the biggest smiles on their faces. Some were wrapped in towels while others were wrapped in arms, all with dripping wet hair. âYou guys can never leave me again okay? We should do this again sometime; we all had so much fun then.â
He smiled fondly as he looked over each and every one of their faces before sliding his finger over it. The image started to warp where he touched as if he were a raindrop falling into a pond. He closed his eyes, still shaken from before when he thought he had lost all of his friends, his body felt light â like when heâd be seated on a swing with Wooyoung behind, pushing him to soar as high as possible without falling.
His eyes slid open, met with a setting sun into the horizon, painting the sky all sorts of oranges and reds, water crashing against the sand under his bare toes. The ocean glistened beautifully and he wasted no time capturing it forever.
âHey, dude, what's up with you? You seem like you shit your pants or something.â he heard right against his ear, looking to the side to see Wooyoung who had slipped his arm around the formersâ shoulders.
âReally? I feel just fine.â
âYou sure.. âCause you're shaking right now.â
Yeosang thought back to just moments before when he was brought to his knees in his living room. It was best to lie; his friends wouldnât understand otherwise. âItâs nothing, promise.â
Wooyoung studied him with narrow eyes for a few silent seconds as if interrogating him right on this very beach before shrugging it off and turning back to head further up shore.
âKay, well come on, Hwa and Yunho are about to start grilling soon,â he called out to Yeosang from over his shoulder, âor you could stay here⊠and have San eat everything like last time~â
The familiar click of the camera shutter as he gazed through the lens at the fleeting back of his longest friend, his first one and the one who had introduced him to everyone else. He smiled that fond smile of his as he looked over the photo.
âGoddammit- wait for me!â he hurriedly yelled out once Wooyoungâs last statement sunk in, jogging over to the centers of his life, the most important people, the only reason for his still-beating heart captured like a picture-perfect, long-lasting memory.
ăit will be forgotten.ă
Epilouge
âYeosang?â a small knock on his door caught his attention. He was sitting huddled at his study desk â though it was less of a study desk and more of a workbench where heâd modify his oh-so-precious camera. âWhy donât we go on a bit of a trip?â
He stared at his mother incredulously, âI would rather stay here..â
She held back the sigh that threatened to slip past her chapped lips and put on the best smile she could muster up, âYou can even bring that camera of yours⊠Iâm sure Seonghwa would like to see whatever landscapes you can take a photo of.â
âSeonghwa..â the name dripped from his tongue, voice hushed as if it were something he shouldnât be saying. Itâs been a while since heâs actually said their names but it was unbeknownst to his heart, unlike his subconscious and body. To his heart, they were all talking just a few minutes ago.
He couldnât bring himself to decline now â he knew how much his hyung loved to see all of his pictures. He would love nothing more than to show off all the pretty places they drove past.
It wasnât long till they were nearing their destination. Yeosang didnât know where he was being taken â at least he didnât think he knew â but his stomach was twisted with unease and his eyes were in unrest as they peer wildly at his surroundings. He tried not to think about it too much, not to think about why he felt so nervous. Cars had always made him feel unsafe for as long as he could remember and it was something jongho would tease him about⊠but it was something else bothering him, he could just tell.
The car slowed once they were at a large gate, his mother not parking too far from it. He hesitated to open his door, shoes landing on the concrete ground underneath them as his mom beckoned him over while moving to enter the gate.
âWhat are we doing here..?â he stared at her back, eyes narrow as he scrutinized her.
They stood in front of seven gravestones, ending date October 24, 2018; one of the most important dates in his life.. So what was it doing here?
His mother turned to him, taking his hands into her own to keep him from tapping against his thigh. âItâs been a while since you visited them, why donât you go pay your respects?â
âYou arenât answering any of my questions⊠Who are these people?â
âSweetie,â her thumbs rub against the backs of his hands as she feels his fingers twitching in her palms, âthese are your friends. Just read the names, see?â
Yeosang stared at them, reading their names over and over. He felt sick. âThose stones- Those things are not my friends.â
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Playing in the Field ; Sangi Oneshot
»»âpairing: choi san and song mingi
summary: Stray bunny hybrid Mingi goes wandering into a field for dinner but is caught by scarecrow San, tasked with protecting the crops.
genre: horror, angst, hybrid!mingi, scarecrow!san
warning(s): mentions of violence, mentions of death
â§ word count: 1395
a/n: san uses it/its pronouns in this by the way !!
*.â§.*â§*.â§.*â§*.â§.*
Mingi begrudgingly treaded through the tall grass, his pout growing each time his stomach growled.
Being a stray was undeniably difficultâthe summers were scolding without a fan or A/C and the winters hard to subsist with the thin, tattered clothing he'd been wearing for the past few years or so.
Being a bunny hybrid didn't make stray life any easier either. Bunny hybrids are a prey species, making them a target to everyone.. even fellow hybrids. The life of stray prey is never calm.
Mingi has been in the country for as long as he could remember so it was always small town, 'middle of nowhere', and small town again when he is wandering. He was in between towns again, the only scenery being grass, grass⊠and more grass. There'd be the occasional farm, sure, but humans were the last things he wanted to worry about.
He walked for hours, fatigue slowly catching up to him as night reared its head.
"Damn, I wish I had a jacket.." he muttered as he wrapped his arms around himself. The seasons were changing and the weather gets pretty rough at night.
More and more endless walking before one of those "barns", as they call it, came into sight. A big red building usually means a wide-open field with food growing from the ground.
He went to pass right by it just like the others but right on time, his stomach growled again, gnawing away at itself in starvation.
Mingi groaned as he looked over to the barn and its field, contemplating his options. "They're all probably asleep by now.. right?"
"...ah fuck it."
Huddled up into himself, he cautiously made his way over to the ratty fence. He kept his ears cognizant of his surroundings just in case someone were to show up.
He couldn't help the sigh that left his lips as they stretched up into a smile when the sweet smell of strawberries somewhere nearby reached his nose. He followed the smell further into the field, getting excited to eat such a satisfying treat after so long.
His ears stood on alert as an eerie giggle scraped at them. A crackling sound could be heard soon afterânot much akin to that of bones cracking but more to the likeness of snapping sticks.
Mingi sweatdropped as he could only assume that someone was approaching, the sounds being twigs crunching beneath their feet.
"What a pleasant surprise," a playful voice sounded from behind him, startling him to hastily turn around as he almost tripped over his own feet. "To think a little bunny would grace my farm with their presence."
Mingi's eyes grew twice their size, a shiver running down his spine as another giggle could be heard. He watched as the fingertips of the farm's scarecrow started to animate. The sound of snapping wood only increased as the scarecrow moved, moving its head side to side as if cracking its neck. It slowly pulled its left hand from the wood frame, leaving a clean hole in the middle from where the nails used to confine it. Using its free hand, it is able to force off the other before falling down to its knees.
Mingi stood watching with tears pricking at his eyes. He was terrified, to say the least; his legs wouldâve surely given out if he even thought to run.
It slowly rose to its feet, body rolling as it began to stretch and awaken from its long-standing slumber.
"Y-y-you're aâŠ. a scarecrow.."
"Hm, a perceptive little bunny as well? What a delight." Jet black eyes stared back at him and an almost sinister smile teased him. "I'm sure you are aware- the likeness of you are not welcome around here."
"I'm- I'm sorry I was just.. hungry." Mingi stumbled to explain himself, trouble being the last thing he wanted.
"Perceptive but idiotic. Your hunger is not the concern of neither I nor the humans that employ me to protect these crops. I'm sure you are aware of what is going to happen to you."
Its smirk widened to show a perfect set of scarily white teeth. It extended its arms, its pose likened to the one it was nailed into on the wooden frame.
Mingi's eyes frantically searched the darkness as loud caws approached. Crows started to swarm the two causing the male to scream with his lids squeezed shut, scared of his eyes possibly being clawed out.
The crows began to perch themselves upon the scarecrowâs arms, chests high and eyes narrowed as if looking down on the boy. Their midnight-colored feathers almost blended with the tattered clothes donned by the scarecrow.
"You look to be quite young," it suddenly spoke, breaking Mingi out of his paralyzed daze, "Tell you what little bunny, sixty seconds."
With a shaky breath, he hesitantly asked "Sixty⊠seconds?"
It laughed at him but without a hint of humor rumbling from its chest "I am allowing you time to escape- does my generosity not satisfy you?"
The scarecrow waved its hand to signal the crows to give it space. It took slow, teasing steps towards Mingi, that sinister smirk never leaving its face. Mingi held his breath as its hand glided over his cheek, a gentle whistle coming from the new hole as the wind began to pick up.
The grip on his cheek suddenly tightened; he could already imagine a red handprint forming on his skin. He didn't have the chance to care for the painâthe dark, black eyes that now seemed to glare at him taking most of his focus.
"Or is it.. that you'd rather I kill you in the spot of which you stand?"
"No! No... Please.. San I don't want to die please I'm so sorry.." he begged and sobbed as the reality he was faced with truly began to sink in. This wasn't like being caught eating from restaurant trash cans by the humans- no, the humans wouldn't kill him.. even if they wanted to, they couldn't. But human laws won't save him again. Not this time.
The scarecrow looked taken aback, his grip almost faltering before he regained his composure. "Tell me.. How do you know of my name, little bunny?"
"O-on your shirt. T-there's a name.."
San looked down at its clothes and surely enough, there laid its name embroidered right under its collarbone. It was barely visible at this point with the threads loose and frayed. It'd been given the clothes so long ago that it had forgotten about the personalized detail.
"The children.." it mumbled to itself. Its thumb started to absentmindedly stroke Mingi's cheek as it looked off to the side, trapped in its own thoughts. Mingi didn't dare speak though he was thoroughly creeped out and confused.
San's eyes soon returned to him, but missing a portion of its previous malice and instead clouded with a certain distance. Its thumb continued to caress his cheek before it slowly moved down to his mouth, pulling on his lower lip with an almost desperate demand.
"My name.. Say it again."
Mingi didn't waste time whispering out its name, thinking it better to obey. "...san.. San."
San pulled back with a blank, uninterested look. It held out its arms, allowing the crows to flock their way back over. "Sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven,"
Mingi looked at it confused, hesitantly wiping the tears from his eyes.
"I'd advise you to start running my little bunny; almost forty seconds left."
The boys' ears stood tall with surprise, his throat dry as he took a few steps back before breaking into a sloppy sprint back to which he came.
San watched as he stumbled his way out of the field, surely ruining some of the crops as he ran. Its counting slowly came to a halt though it was barely even close to zero. It remembered the way the children ran just like that⊠the farmer's children playing a fun game of tag amongst themselves in the field. It just wanted to join them. It just wanted to have fun.
...it didn't want to hurt them.
It quietly walked over to its wooden frame. Its body slowly stiffened, the crackling sound reappearing.
The life drained from its eyes as it thought its last thought till another soul wanders the field
I hope I get to play with you someday my little bunny
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