#cix angst

She’s not at this party, too embarrassed to show her face after being dumped by the school playboy, San. You’d feel bad but she kinda deserved it after bragging to everyone how she bagged him. And if she went with you, she’d make it such a huge deal when you want to lay low. You came to this party for one reason after all…to find Bae Jinyoung.

Once again, something you never thought you’d be doing. Jinyoung is the complete opposite of you in every way. Always partying, and getting high, his list of cons goes on and on. But when you were paired up with him to tutor in a last-ditch effort to not get expelled, you didn’t expect to grow so close to him. And maybe you’ve grown to have a soft spot for him.

He had to retake his final exam due to a stomach bug (he was hungover, but you decided not to let his professor know that fact) and you were told his test results early. He had passed after months of hard work, and you were too excited to keep it from him. 

You called him first, and he picked up, but he was clearly drunk, living it up at what you heard was the last party of the year. And against your better judgement, you decided to go tell him the good news in person, perhaps after getting him a little more sober. And you’re maybe a little stupid, hoping he would come sweep you off your feet and kiss you senseless, but a girl can dream. Maybe when you tell him the good news, he’ll lift you and swing you around just like in all your romance books and fall in love.

You’re once again reminded of just how out of place you are as you weave through the crowd. As you look around, you can’t help but be amused at how you must look so lost. You’re not looking where you’re going properly and you bump into a broad chest.

When you look up, you’re met with the furrowed brows of the other Jinyoung of the college, Park Jinyoung, recognisable from his stone-cold features and his signature turtleneck. The only thing he shares with your Jinyoung is the name. Whereas your Jinyoung was mixed up in all sorts of trouble, ranging from drugs to drinking to sex, Park Jinyoung kept to himself, except for this one girl he seemed to have conflicted feelings for. You’ve seen him look at her like she made the stars, only to push her away when she turns her attention towards him. And case in point, when you mutter out a sorry he barely pays attention to you, muttering her name under his breath. Looks like you’re not the only one looking for someone tonight.

You try and ask around a bit, and while some classmates do their best to narrow down Bae Jinyoung’s location for you despite their inebriated state, most of them are just too shell-shocked to see you here and they can’t mask their confusion.

“YN? I didn’t expect to see you here.” A familiar voice catches your attention and you turn to see Choi San standing before you, his hair ruffled and his signature smile on his face. There’s a hint of sadness in his eyes, but you don’t know him well enough to enquire about it.

“Ah, hello, San. I hope you’re doing well after…all that’s happened.” It’s no secret that San broke up with Yeseul because of his roommate. To your credit, you manage to hold back your curiosity and instead just ask him a question pertaining a bit more to your own dilemma. “Have you seen Jinyoung? Bae, not Park.”

San shrugs. “I’m doing well, yes. I can’t stay long, but I think I saw Jinyoung near the living room. It’s through there, you can’t miss it. Lots of couches…and lots of people kissing.”

You absolutely miss the warning tone in his voice, but your heart is already beating a little too fast for your own good at the idea of seeing Jinyoung again. “All right, thanks San!” You start walking the other way, but something nags at you and you spin around, calling out his name before he steps away. “And San…I want to apologise for Yeseul. You should go for your friend. She looks at you the same way.”

There’s a moment’s pause, then San quirks his lips at you. “Thanks, YN. I think I will. Good luck with Jinyoung.”

You laugh and salute him before turning back to continue on your way. With each step, you can feel excitement rush past your ears. You know it’s a horrible idea, but you’ve grown fond of Jinyoung. Maybe it was how all the rumours surrounding him were less than satisfactory, but he never showed you anything but kindness and quietness when you tutored him. Maybe it was the way he leapt at any chance to talk about football to you, and how his smile would light up any room.

And maybe it was when he finally convinced you to let loose and take a study break with him, you found out he kisses gently, large hands cupping your face as his breath puffs over your lips. His touches are soft, ghosting over your waist as you sit beside him, and you feel special.

“Jinyoung–” you call out, entering the room San had pointed out to you, but you stop dead in your tracks. You’ve found him. Bae Jinyoung, sitting on the couch, a girl in his lap and his tongue deep in her mouth. It’s not nearly as sweetly as he kissed you, and yet your stomach drops. It’s stupid to be hurt, you remind yourself. You stare for a moment longer, eyes glued to how the girl is grinding on him so well and you feel a tightness in your throat you can’t seem to dislodge.

And it’s almost like slow motion when Jinyoung turns his head and makes direct eye contact with you. His mouth drops open, more than it was before and like the coward, you turn tail and run right back out of the room.

You push through the people crowding you and out one of the back doors. In the distance, you can see a figure floundering in the lake, soaking wet, but you can’t be bothered to be curious about the sight. You should’ve known this was going to happen. You catch feelings, and Jinyoung doesn’t, and you make a fool of yourself. How could you be so dumb? It’s clear what happened. You were just another conquest, another prize for him to win.

“YN!” You can hear Jinyoung’s familiar cadence float from the house and you glance back, seeing him try and get to you through the people milling about. “YN wait!”

There’s desperation in his voice, but your brain does not register it and you just turn away, heading towards the line of cars parked far into the grass. You didn’t park there, but it should give you enough cover as you make your way to the next street over where your car actually is.

Your eyes are trained forward, and you refuse to look back even as Jinyoung’s panicked footsteps get closer and closer to you. “YN, please!” You hesitate just for a moment, but it’s long enough for him to catch up to you and grab your arm gently. “Please look at me, YN.”

You turn around, but keep your eyes trained on the ground lest you cry, especially after seeing his face. “What’s up?” It’s almost sick how sweetly your voice sounds as it breaks.

“YN, I’m sorry.” The desperation has not left Jinyoung’s voice, and his hands move to your shoulders, gripping them tightly as if that would convince you he meant no harm. And maybe he didn’t. But it’s not his fault you’ve fallen in love with an unobtainable thought.

“Why are you sorry?” you respond, trying your hardest to keep your voice level, although it tremours just a bit when Jinyoung sucks in a breath. “I can’t stop you from…parties, and kissing. I’m just a nobody.”

Jinyoung shakes his head, his long hair falling in his eyes but he makes no move to brush it away. “You’re anything but a nobody, YN. You’re pretty and perfect, and you have so much going for you. You have a job already lined up, you have plans for your future. I’m the one who’s a nobody.”

You laugh. “We could go around in circles, Jinyoung. You’re not a nobody, not to me. And not to that girl. It’s okay that I’m not who you want me to be. I can only kiss you sweetly, I can’t desire you in the same carnal way she does, no matter how much I want to. And there’s no way you want to waste time teaching me how to not be dumb and innocent.”

Jinyoung frowns, just as pretty as his smile is. “I do, YN. I do, more than you can know. I want to take you on dates and kiss you on the beach. I want to have coffee in the morning with you. I just want to hold you. And I love it when you’re innocent and sweet.”

“But that girl–”

“Screw that girl!” You flinch a little at his volume and Jinyoung pauses, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “We were drunk, and I was just missing you a little too much. It was a mistake. I should’ve have tried to run from my problems. I– when you called me, I should’ve dropped everything and gone to find you, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to let myself want you. But I do.”

You breathe in sharply through your nose. “I don’t want to make you change…” you start to protest carefully, although your resolve is breaking by the second.

Jinyoung shakes his head, leaning in so his face is mere breaths away from yours. “I want to change, YN. So please, let me.”

“I–” Against your better judgement, you look him in the eyes, noticing the shaking wateriness of them. “Okay.”

The tension in Jinyoung’s face pinches before finally dissipating, easing the lines in the skin. “Okay,” he copies you. “Okay. YN, can I kiss you?”

His question comes so suddenly, you swear your heart stopped beating for a moment. You barely get a yes out before Jinyoung’s lips capture yours again. And if you thought your first kiss was sweet, this is a million times sweeter. His hands find their way to the small of your back this time and push you closer to him, your arms naturally finding their way around his lithe shoulders. The movement makes the kiss deepen as his mouth presses eagerly against yours.

“I missed you,” he hums against your lips and you sigh happily.

“Must’ve been hard, benign away from me for a whole five days,” you can’t help but tease and Jinyoung groans good-naturedly.

“Man, you’re so mean to me. What happened to being all nice and innocent?” With a smile, you shove your face into Jinyoung’s neck. Jinyoung bends down to press a kiss to your temple. “Come on, let’s get out of here. I think we’re long overdue a talk.”

Seunghun couldn't tell when exactly he fell in love with Jieun. Was it love at first sight? The way her fringe had fallen into her dark eyes, the fierce fire in them, the way she had looked at him like everything was a challenge ever since the first day of high school? Or was it much later when she had held his trembling hand during his mother's funeral?

Seunghun wasn't sure but he knew one thing: he didn't remember how it was to not be in love with her. That's why it hurt when he started to notice her building up walls, acting weird and hanging out with Byounggon more. The boy told himself he wasn't jealous, he had nothing against the other guy after all, but lying could only take him that far.

Then his whole world turned upside down when it turned out that Jieun had a twin who pretended to be her while she was in a hospital. In a coma. Because of attempted suicide.

It was like an ice cold shower because Seunghun would rather have Jieun be with somebody else than dead. Or in pain. But Jieun was like a rose with sharp thorns, so to love her was like handing her a knife, ready to be hurt.

The smell of the hospital was the same. Seunghun remembered it all too well. It didn't matter that it wasn't the same building or that months had passed. He had spent too much time beside Yonghee's bed, praying that he wouldn't leave like his mom, to forget. And now here he was, right by the unconscious Jieun's side doing the same.

She looked so vulnerable in the hospital bed, all pale and put on machines that kept her alive. So unlike how she really was: wild and lively like ember among ash. Whenever Seunghun came to visit, his heart sank at the sight and he couldn't help checking the heart monitor just to make sure. Hoping that one of these days it would be different, that she would open her eyes and everything would be okay. What a wishful thinking but it's not like he had anything better to do.

"Your sister comes back from the UK tomorrow. You should see Byounggon, he's like an excited puppy," he recited, sitting on the uncomfortable metal chair next to Jieun's bed. He didn't believe she heard him but the nurses told him it could help, so he did his best. It made it feel less weird too, just being there, silent, watching her sleep. Like this, he could pretend they were gossiping, like she could chuckle anytime soon and call him out on his bullshit when he exaggerated. Not this time though; ever since Jinah notified them that she had finished all her final exams and was heading back to Seoul for the summer, Byounggon was restless. "How long do you think it will take them to get together officially? We all saw how they looked at each other and long distance can't be an excuse now."

Honestly, given Jieun's and Byounggon's arguing history, Seunghun didn't think the girl would have been thrilled to know that her twin got so close with the guy, but he would have rather taken her frustration than her silence at this point. He would have given anything for her to wake up. Maybe he was selfish but he wasn't ready to lose her too. Too many good people had left them last year.

"I miss you," he whispered, toying with a loose thread of her thin duvet. The realization wasn't sudden but his confession was. It tasted bittersweet on his tongue or like sour candy.

Seunghun gulped while watching Jieun's porcelain face, her dark lashes and listened to the rhythmical beeps of the machine beside her. Nothing even stirred. Gently, he reached out to take her hand in his, so cold against his sweaty palms, so still and unlike her. Jieun wasn't fond of public displays of affection after all. He sometimes got away with a brief hug or nudge on the shoulder, but Jieun was often quick to pull away. But she was like that with everybody, so Seunghun didn't take it to heart.

He squeezed her hand softly, suddenly nervous at being so daring, but naively he hoped that maybe the cliché things from dramas would turn out to be true for once. But no, even as he stood up to leave and let go of her pale hands, the heart monitor's beeps remained steady.

With Jinah back in town, they had one more person at those Saturday hang outs Hyunsuk liked to call movie nights in honour of the film club they used to be a part of.

Eventually all of them had graduated, even Byounggon and Jinyoung had managed to do so without having to retake the senior year. Seunghun wasn't sure it would have happened without Jinah. Sure, her lying to them and impersonating her sister had been morally wrong but with her around they had all gotten a new perspective: that they all had something to live for and none of the people who had left them would have wanted them to feel otherwise. At first, Seunghun had thought that it had been naive to think so, so unlike Jieun, but then he had gotten to know about her in the hospital and realized that maybe it had been their pessimistic mindset of theirs all along that had pushed the girl to the edge.

Hyunsuk and Byeol had gotten into the same college, sociology majors – she had wanted to study that and he hadn't known what else to do –, and it was cute how they lived their campus romance. Jinyoung had started working in a coffee shop and whenever they visited him, female customers were making heart eyes at him. Byounggon had gotten a job at a convenience store and often took night shifts because he had always been a night owl (and because with the timezone difference, this way he could talk more with Jinah), but with her back in time, it was most likely up to change.

And Seunghun? He had taken on a few children's dance classes to teach and was studying for the civil worker exam. With house bills to pay he couldn't allow himself to dream big. With all of them pressed up against each other on a couch, watching a movie, he was already paying his dream coins thinking of Jieun – that she would make faces but like this anyway –, wishing she was there.

It was almost the end of the visiting hours when Seunghun woke up. He didn't mean to fall asleep over Jieun's hospital bed, arms folded like a pillow but he was up late learning a new choreography. He loved the lack of crushing thoughts when he was dancing, the soreness in his muscles and the beats of music the only thing he was aware of. No what ifs or guilt or anxiousness, just dance. Except when Jieun had been watching him dance before because then his thoughts had been all about her.

The boy startled and pulled back, scooting back in his chair. He yawned as he rubbed his eyes. Then he froze, eyes widening.

Jieun was watching him.

Her eyes were misty and unfocused but she was awake. Seunghun stood up so vehemently that he almost knocked his chair back. Her name was a prayer of gratitude as he called it. The soft sound made the girl focus on him. Breathing through the plastic mask over her face, heartbeat measured by the wires put on her body, white hospital grown over her pale skin, Jieun seemed like a stranger but her eyes, they were still the same: sad but with fire in them.

Seunghun held his breath while a single drop of tear rolled down Jieun's temple, then she closed her eyes again right before the nurses arrived.

Seunghun was sent out while the doctors and nurses ran a million tests on the girl. He called Jinah and wrote in the group chat but he didn't know what else to do. He was pacing, walking up and down the corridor and while this was what he was waiting for, for her to wake up, it was also nerve-wrecking.

"How is she?" Seunghun ran up to the nurse who just came out of the room.

"Better than expected. But I can't tell you the details. Only family members are entitled to know medical details."

It left a sharp feeling in Seunghun's gut after spending in the hospital hours every week, but he wasn't surprised. He needed the family's permission to be able to visit too, so he didn't push it.

"Can I see her?" He asked instead, but the nurse looked at him uncertainly, with pity.

"I'm sorry but… the patient specifically said she doesn't want you to see her like that. Nobody apart from her family actually," she bobbed her head apologetically before hurrying away, leaving the boy behind.

Disheartened, Seunghun sank down onto the row of uncomfortable plastic chairs in the corridor and tried not to feel hurt. He knew how proud Jieun was, how much she hated to show weakness to others. He should have expected it, but it still stung.

He didn't know how much time had passed by the time the doctors and rest of the nurses left or when Jinah and Byounggon arrived. He just sat there, waiting, waiting. He wasn’t sure what for, not anymore.

Jinah told all of them that according to the doctors Jieun would make full recovery. She had to attend rehabilitation because she just spend months not moving and obligatory therapy due to the attempted suicide. She wasn't particularly happy about either of those nor having to repeat her senior year. But at least she didn't look like she was disappointed that she survived or so Jinah said. Not that they talked about it. Jieun wasn’t quite generous with words, not when it came to topics like this.

After a week of various examinations they would let her out of the hospital and she would spend two weeks in the mountains for recovery. Three weeks until Seunghun could see her again. If she was ready then.

"Seunghun, you are a beat behind. Where's your mind at?" His dance teacher's scolding pulled him out of his running thoughts.

Thoughts around and about her. Always her.

"Sorry," he mumbled and tried not to think of Jieun.

But he saw her even when he closed his eyes.

Jieun was alive and awake yet she had never felt farther. Seunghun's messages went unread on her phone and he only knew what was happening to her from Jinah. It felt wrong. Weren't they supposed to be best friends? When had it all gone wrong?

When she had jumped? Or when Yonghee had done?

Or when he had fallen in love?

Seunghun felt like she was slipping through his fingers like sand. It was almost like he was losing her all over again. For real, this time.

People said that it was natural to drift apart with your friends after school, once you didn't see each other every day, but he couldn't let go. He knew it wasn't about him graduating. Jieun was avoiding him. Seunghun told himself that she must have needed time. She was one of the strongest people he knew and she hated when she was seen as weak or vulnerable, she must have resented that he had been with her in the hospital. But how could he have not? At least he had been close to her that way.

The day after Jieun got back from the mountains, Seunghun got a text in the middle of his teens class. It was one simple message:

Can we meet?

His heart thrummed like a traitor when he saw it. He was sweaty and tired, but he wouldn't have missed out on the opportunity.

They agreed to meet at the park they often hung out later that night. Seunghun was more nervous than he would have liked to admit. His hands got clammy again after taking a quick shower and water droplets were still falling from his hair when he jumped on the bus. He was drumming on his knees to the rhythm of his heart, a jumpy little dance.

He didn't know what to expect. After months of not talking to Jieun, he wasn't sure. After her not wanting him to see her, he got even more uncertain. He kept replaying their last conversation. The one Jinah had confirmed wasn't with her. The way Jieun had smiled at him, nudged him playfully and stolen his fries. It had been painfully normal. He had used to beat himself up over not noticing the signs but all of them had been a mess after what had happened with Yonghee and Seunghun  had been busy with his mother's funeral too. There had been a new norm after that, nothing had been the same, so nothing had felt out of the ordinary. Nothing had felt like ‘Yonghee all over again’.

Jieun was already there when he got to the park. She sat on a bench with her long hair falling onto her shoulders, moonlight shining on her fair skin beautifully. She wore her signature eyeliner and black nail polish which reminded Seunghun of times before she got to the hospital where she was pale and bare faced, looking young, innocent and so so fragile. Seeing her again like this knocked the air out of the boy.

"Hey," she looked up, straightening her spine a bit once she was aware of his presence. The small movement didn't sit well with Seunghun. They were closer than to act differently around each other… Or so he thought they were.

"Hey," he echoed and took the seat next to her, his hands gripping on the edge of the bench. It felt unreal, being so close to her again, and she was awake, warm and real. "You… you look better."

It was a clumsy compliment but Seunghun knew Jieun would have never let him get away with calling her pretty or something like that. She didn't like that and the boy never knew why but according to Jinah they were always compared based on their academics and looks too. Early signs of Jieun's rebellion came with her going against what their parents would have liked to see her as: the ideal, well-behaving, perfect little angel.

"Better than half-dead in the hospital? Jeez, thanks," the girl snorted and her tone made Seunghun wince. Joking with her almost dying wasn't funny to him. He didn't say anything though, so silence embraced them for an uncomfortable moment.

"I'm sorry," Jieun sighed eventually and she sounded sincere.

Seunghun wasn't sure why she apologized though. For the insensitive joke? For ignoring his messages? For not letting him visit her in the hospital once she was awake? Or for the reason she had been at the hospital in the first place? Nevertheless, Seunghun shook his head, not wanting her to blame herself.

"Don't be."

"I am," she insisted, her eyes intense when their gazes met. "I never wanted to hurt you."

The boy sucked in a breath.

He was at fault too: he cared too much. But he couldn't say it was okay nor he could say he wasn't hurt. He was so damn confused at the same time as he was just happy to have her back. Because she was back, right? She wouldn't disappear like that again?

He wanted to ask. He wanted to beg even though he didn't have the right to tell her what to do. He wanted her to stay, but they didn't talk about it, about the elephant in the room, since everything was still so fragile.

Instead Seunghun looked into her deep dark night of her eyes and smiled.

"I missed you," he said.

Stay with me, he wished.

"I missed you, too," she said with the smallest of genuine smiles in the corner of her mouth.

For then, it was enough.

Admittedly, Seunghun had feared that Jieun wanted to meet because she would have preferred to cut ties with him, that it would have been a goodbye, maybe her moving away or just trying to start a new life. He was terribly relieved when it turned out that she just didn't want to apologize over messages for being distant ever since she woke up. She just needed time and space and she didn't like the idea of him wasting his time beside her hospital bed like he had done with Yonghee, too. He wouldn't have called it a waste of time though, he'd had nothing better to do and he had wanted to be there for them. Since he hadn’t been able to help, this was something he could have at least done. But convincing Jieun something like this was a lost cause and he didn't want to argue. A part of him just wanted things to go back as they were but another part of him, the one that wasn't a coward, wanted to be mature about it and talk it through. But he was afraid Jieun would put her walls up and shut him out then and he didn't want to lose her. He knew how much she disliked that therapy already that she had to attend for a year.

So Seunghun did the next best thing he could think of: making sure Jieun had reasons to live. He started writing a list, a list that he hoped would never end, of things that he knew she wanted to do, achieve or see. Be it a band concert, a trip to Gangnueng or just a choker she bookmarked on her phone. He knew her well and long enough to easily come up with a dozen list items but the hardest part was being smooth enough at delivering these that Jieun wouldn't call him out on it.

Like when they were out late again one night and he thought using that excuse that he was hungry would be enough to suppress her doubts.

"It's just so random," she grumbled when he told her dinner would be on him. It wasn't even anything fancy, just bibimbap that she always loved.

"I wanted to take you out from my first paycheck but you weren't awake then, so here we are," he echoed the practiced explanation. Technically it wasn't even a lie, he had wanted to do that. But now he had one more reason to.

When they crossed an item off his unwritten list, Seunghun added two more points in its place. With time, it turned into a little bucket list about things he wanted to do with her. Hyunsuk teased him that it was almost like he was planning dates for them and Seunghun had to make him promise not to call them dates out loud in front of Jieun. So what if he wanted to try out the new bingsu place with her or watch falling stars together or discover old record stores? He just wanted to be with her.

He knew it was only a matter of time that Jieun noticed the pattern and actually said something about it and then it would end. Seunghun guessed she kind of already knew, she just entertained him by letting him throw in a new idea for every weekend. Sometimes she asked if he shouldn't have studied instead but eventually let him be after listening to his nonsense excuses like how taking a break would fuel his productivity eventually.

Seunghun thought he could act like nothing had happened. Because it seemed like this was what Jieun wanted.

But sometimes he just couldn't.

"Jinah told us that you went to a psychologist," he said quietly after they visited Yonghee and his steps halted when Jieun fell behind.

"She shouldn't have. She had no right," she snapped, sounding both cold and angry at the same time, brushing past him, clearly not wanting to talk about it.

It was exactly what Seunghun wanted to avoid, but the cat was already out of the bag, so he didn’t want it to be an affair to brush off. He caught up with the girl, grabbing her wrist just temporarily to stop her and slip in front of her vision.

"You could have told me," he added, quiet and gentle, and Jieun's anger seemed to fade. She always seemed to soften just a bit when it came to him. Maybe that was also a reason why he fell for her. Because she made him feel special.

"You were struggling already because of your mom on top of what happened with Yonghee," she reasoned and Seunghun wished that she would have been more selfish than that. How could she have thought that her struggles would have been too much on top of everything as if she mattered less to him?

The boy sighed, shaking his head.

"That's not the only reason," he argued because he knew her and she respected him enough not to deny.

"That's not the only reason," she agreed, keeping eye contact. Brave, brave Jieun, why was she so afraid of showing vulnerability as if it was a weakness? Didn't she know that he wouldn't have thought less of her because of something like that?

"Can you tell me now? What happened? I would have never thought that you…" Seunghun wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence and it was probably the worst timing and not the best location either. But at least the streets were vacant and they were the only people under this alcove. The stars would keep their secrets. 

"I wanted to know how Yonghee felt," Jieun shrugged, trying to play it off but Seunghun saw the nervousness in her movements, the way she put her weight from one leg to the other. “Was he scared? Was it fast? Did it hurt? Maybe if it was fast and painless, it would be easier to accept it.”

Seunghun imagined her walking over the bridge, watching the river rush by underneath her and thinking of Yonghee. Of the boy with the gentlest soul and all those bruises on his fair skin. He imagined her screaming and reckless, finding comfort in the dark and the waves. The impact of her jump held magnitudes. It could never be fast and painless, not for those who loved them.

“Do you know what was the last thing I told him?” Jieun asked but Seunghun didn’t answer.

How could he have known when she had never told him? What he knew was that she had gotten into an argument with Yonghee not much before he had left them. But that was nothing new, Jieun had got into her fair share of arguments with all of them, especially Byounggon, because she was like an ember, fierce and restless. Yonghee had known this, he had known that her words were sometimes harsher than she intended.

“I called him a coward. I told him he was weak. That if he wasn’t going to stand up for himself, it’s like he’s letting them kill him,” Jieun’s lips trembled and she looked away, her voice getting breathy. “We were his safe space and I made him feel like he was a disappointment. I…”

A sob escaped her. It was so sudden that Seunghun didn’t see it coming. He had never seen Jieun cry. Not at Yonghee’s funeral, not when she had broken her arm trying a skateboarding trick in their freshman year. Yet, it was like an instinct: winding his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace. He half-expected her to push him away, to build up the walls once again just to prove that she was strong and independent. But maybe, finally she knew that from time to time it was okay to be vulnerable, with the right people it wasn’t a bad thing.

“I… What if that was the last straw? What if it was like I pushed him over the edge?” She sobbed into his shirt and he held her tighter as if he could keep her together as she was spiralling down. He had no idea she held so much guilt and grief inside.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered into her hair and murmured other reassuring words while storing her back. Yes, they were all bystanders and maybe they could have offered help, could have pushed more but Yonghee had loved them and he insisted that he was okay. There was no way they could have known what had been going on behind his smiles.

Jieun cried for a long time. Years worth of tears dried up on Seunghun’s white tee as she pulled back and wiped away the rest from her cheeks.

“Shit. I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you,” she sighed, her voice raspy from all that crying and the boy practically saw her build up her walls level by level as she composed her facial expressions and wiped away her smudged makeup. She was mentally running away, so the boy told her the only words he thought that could stop her.

"Jieun... you are the strongest person I know."

The girl blinked at him in disbelief, his reflection clear in her shiny eyes.

"Do you really still think that?" She asked ironically with the certainty of someone ragged and patched up, scars from her fall still fading into her pale skin. But to him, she had never been broken.

"Yeah, I really do," Seunghun nodded, convinced and genuine.

She had never looked stronger.

Seunghun was hovering over his textbooks in the pleasant warmth the coffee shop where Jinyoung worked provided when somebody stopped by his table. His first thought was the barista boy but the mellow female voice that greeted him proved him wrong. Even after months of knowing Jinah, sometimes the striking similarity of the twins still surprised him. Most likely because he had spent years without knowing about the other girl's existence. But now that he knew and the girl stopped pretending to be Jieun, it was also painfully obvious in just how many subtle ways they were different. It wasn't just about the lack of eyeliner – which Byounggon had noticed since day one –, but the way they styled their hair, the way they dressed or the way they talked. There was that warm smile on Jinah's face too that Jieun so rarely showed. Looking back it was impossible to not tell them apart.

"Hi, how's studying?" She asked, sounding sincerely curious as her fingers intertwined over her iced frappé.

"As okay as it can get,"  the boy shrugged, straightening his back, using her presence as an excuse to focus on something else other than the material. "And what are you doing here?"

"Just getting coffee while I wait for Gon to finish his shift," she explained and glanced at her watch, checking the time, before pointing at the chair across from Seunghun. "Can I join you until then?"

"Sure," the boy nodded, trying not to show any lingering awkwardness that remained from the time when she had been pretending to be Jieun. He wasn't angry at her anymore, he understood her reason no matter how wild it was but he still couldn't forget the confusion he had felt when he had thought he had been starting to lose Jieun to Byounggon only to realize that it hadn’t been her to begin with.

Small talk with Jinah wasn't as awkward as he thought though. He asked her about how she was holding up in the Korean summer weather and told her about his upcoming civil servant exam. Only when they seemed to run out of easy topics like that did she bring up her sister.

"Did Jieun tell you anything about Gon and me?" She asked, fidgeting with her napkin.

Seunghun furrowed his eyebrows. Why would they have talked about them? Was something up? Should he have known something? He thought things were going well.

"Uhm, no. Why?"

Jinah seemed a bit uncertain at the outright question. She was probably embarrassed to bring it up herself.

"She doesn't really like him, huh?" She whispered, tapping her nails against the glass. "And it's not like I need her approval but... she's still my sister, you know."

Well, Seunghun didn't know. He didn't have any siblings and up until last year he had no idea Jieun had. But after getting to know Jinah and their close bond with her twin despite being separated for years, he thought he understood why she felt that way.

"Jieun doesn't hate Byounggon or anything like that. They are just too similar in a way," he told her eventually, thinking of how vocal they both could be about their opinions, how fierce they could fight for their loved ones or how reckless they could be if they thought it was the right thing to do. They had similar enough personalities to clash because neither of them liked to be proven wrong... or seen vulnerable. They were the lone wolves that could lead packs. "Maybe the same reason why she doesn't think she is fit for happiness is why she would prefer if you stayed away from him."

Jieun was good at holding grudges but the one she forgave the hardest was herself. As if she didn't deserve it just because she made some honest-to-god mistakes.

"The same way she stays away from you?" Jinah asked and Seunghun's eyes widened, his ears on fire.

"Did she–"

"She didn't need to say anything, but I can tell that she is guarded whenever it's about you. She cares about you, a lot, but she doesn't want others to know," Jinah interrupted him before he could have asked and yeah, that sounded very much like Jieun. "While I was pretending to be her, I heard girls whispering that she didn't deserve you. That's also probably why she had 'bitch' written over her locker and who knows what else happened to her that made her think it would be a bad idea to… let you closer, I guess."

Seunghun hummed, more to himself than to her, his hands in fists, knuckles white in his lap. Was he a bad friend for not knowing about it? For thinking that something so petty couldn't get to Jieun?

He wasn't sure he had the right to ask more even if Jinah knew more, so he stayed silent and then watched Jinah's face brighten and following her gaze, he saw Byounggon by the door, with the same, small but happy smile on his face. They were so obviously in love that it made Seunghun wonder when it had stopped hurting for them.

Seunghun made a plan. It wasn’t a very thorough or foolproof plan but summer was ending and he really should have stopped being a coward. Life was short and he didn’t want to live with regrets.

He asked Jieun to meet at the playground in the park where they often hang out. This late it was empty and Seunghun was sitting on one of the two metal swings, enjoying the last of the summer breeze in his face. Jieun arrived with soft steps and a not so soft push on his swing. Her laughter that followed his yelp was a chime of bells in the night.

"So what's the occasion?" She asked, straight to the point, taking a seat next to him, not yet sensing his nervousness, so the boy decided it was better to just tip off the bandage.

"I thought we could get away from the city before you go back to school," he said once he was sitting up straight again. He reached into his backpack and handed her a return train ticket to Gangneung, her favorite beach town. She took it with a frown, her surprise morphing into something akin to embarrassment mixed with frustration. Not a good sign but the boy tried not to lose hope as he waited patiently for her to say something.

"You don't have to do this. You don't have to, I don’t know, trying to convince me that life is beautiful or whatever," Jieun scoffed but her fingers grazed across the paper ticket in her hands like it was something precious. Her addition almost sounded like resignation. "I don't want to die."

The not anymore echoed somewhere between them.

"I know. But I want to do these things with you," Seunghun insisted because it wasn't just about that. What happened to her made him realize that life was fragile and fleeting, he didn't have all the time in the world to wait around for a chance with her. He didn't want to procrastinate these plans anymore.

But it wasn't enough for Jieun, it never was. She liked logic and reasons and the truth.

"Why?" She asked firmly and Seunghun felt like he was held at gunpoint.

Because we are best friends sounded like a lie.

"I want to be the one you do these things with," he admitted and it sounded like a confession. He didn't plan it but his voice softened as he looked at her, his eyes were probably full of the longing he tried to hide so hard all these years because he knew she would reject him for a better or worse reason.

"Seunghun…" Jieun sighed and he thought this was it, she knew and she would reject him. Of course, she knew. He wasn't exactly subtle, even Jinah knew and she knew him for the least amount of time. Jieun looked at him and the boy held his breath, waiting for the blow. The invisible gun, aimed at his heart, fired. "You deserve better. I'm such a mess and a bad influence. You deserve a pretty girl who is kind and patient."

It didn't hurt as much as he expected. Jieun said nothing about her feelings or that his were ridiculous or one-sided. She just said what she thought was true because she had no idea how he saw her, how much he could thank her. She might not have been the conventional idea of pretty but to him, she was the prettiest. And bad influence? When it was her who pushed him to believe in himself and keep trying because he could do anything?

"I don't want anybody else," he said because he knew he couldn't have convinced her of anything else. “I like you.”

Jieun abruptly stood up from her swing and leaned over him, grabbing the metal chains to support herself just above his hands, her hair falling around them like a silk curtain and her warm breath fanning over his skin. Seunghun felt heat rush to his cheeks as he kept eye contact and warmth spread through his whole body from the point where her pinky brushed against his fingers.

"Why me?" Jieun asked and it was the most ridiculous question because the boy couldn't have said why it could not have been her.

The girl who had taken the blame when they had gotten caught being late from school because there had been a long queue for the waffle they had bought before classes. The one who had been there for more of his dance recitals than his own parents. The only one who had told him he could do it even when he hadn’t believed it. His safe place. His first love.

"It could never be anybody else," he whispered. He didn't mean it literally and she knew it. There were girls who had approached him before both in class and at the dance academy but he didn't care. To him, there was only Jieun.

"Idiot," she murmured but there was no edge to her words, only fondness. She sat back down on the swing next to him, feet kicking sand.

Seunghun turned to her, watching her expressions closely before he reached for her hand. First, he just tentatively held it, half-expecting Jieun to pull away, like she always did but when she didn't, he intertwined their fingers. They were both holding on.

loml yong 🥰

Are you awake?

you

of course i am,, who would i be if i wasnt-

loml yong 🥰

Lol

Tiktok again?

you

you know me so well 🥺

but what are you doing up mr 10 hours of sleep

loml yong 🥰

Couldn't fall asleep unfortunately 💔

you

why whats wrong??

loml yong 🥰

...nothing

Just worried about that test in chem..

you

ooohhh

i dont know why you stress about those

you pretty much ace every test you take babe 🤕

loml yong 🥰

But what if this is the one time I fail?

That's all I can think about right now.. 🙃

you

heyhey your kim yonghee,,,, the smartest person i know alright >.>

you study all the time, youve got this okay?

and even if you fuck up this one time mr lim lets us retake :)

loml yong 🥰

*you're

But you're right, thank you ♡♡

you

😐

last time i try and help you

"*you're" 🙄🙄🙄🙄

loml yong 🥰

Lmao sorry, I couldn't help it

you

😒

loml yong 🥰

Your parents are sleeping, right?

you

yeah why-

loml yong 🥰

Come outside 😊

Your eyes widen as you drop your phone on to your pillow, kicking off the blanket and running to your bedroom window.

Peering outside, you could see a man in a hoodie standing under a streetlight, leaning against it as he stares down at his phone screen. A gasp escapes your lips—though the guy was turned away from you, you could recognize the matching dog hoodie to your cat one anywhere.

Wasting no time, you rush over to your closet, grabbing whatever sweater you could get your hands on before shoving your phone into one of the pockets.

You slowly creaked open your door, sneaking through the hallway and down the stairs, cringing every time one of the floorboards attempted to snitch on you. Soon, you were outside and immediately blasted with the crisp 12 a.m. air.

"Yonghee!" you called out as you all but skipped in his direction.

"Hey," he greeted simply as he turned to look at you, "..you're wearing the pajamas I got you."

"Of course," you hugged him before leaning back to give him a once over, admiring how beautiful he always looked, even in the simplest clothes, "just like you're wearing the hoodie I got for your birthday~"

"Of course," he copied you, eye smile on display as he habitually took one of your hands into his own, his cold skin sending a slight chill down your back.

"Anyways, what are you doing out this late?"

"I told you I couldn't sleep.." He looks away, lost in thought as something hard to pin swirls in his eyes—a small seed of worry is planted in your stomach as you silently rub your thumb on the back of his hand, waiting for him to continue. His eyes are back on yours as whatever quiet storm they carried seconds before seems to settle. He lifts his other hand into view, a rustling capturing your attention. "I brought us snacks."

You stared at him with pouted lips, wishing you could read his mind and pick his brain for whatever was bothering him. Though you loved spontaneous moments like this with him, Yonghee wasn't generally that—he always meticulously planned things like your dates just to make sure you're happy and have as much fun as possible—so, for him to show up outside of your place at a time he'd usually be sleeping...

"Why're you staring at me like that?" he asked, breaking you out of your own thoughts. The smile stretched on his face now was one of smoke and mirrors—something you could see through.

You shook your head in response, though, because even if you could tell he was hiding his sadness away, he'd tell you eventually when he figured things out within himself. He always did.

So you stuck a smile of your own onto your face, hands immediately going for the bag as you stuck your head in to look inside, "oooh~ What'd you get?"

He was laughing now as he passed the bag to you so you could get a better look. "All of your favorites. I did good, right?"

You pecked his cheek as you excitedly pulled out a bag of chips. "Without fail, my lucky star."

"Lucky star?" He questioned, taking a seat on the curb and wiping down the spot beside him for dirt and pebbles so you could sit beside him.

"Don't ask," you responded with a laugh, already chomping away at your chips, "it just feels right."

The two of you soon fell into a comfortable silence, something you've become accustomed to since the two of you met at the beginning of freshman year almost four years ago.

You were stumbling around the halls, eyes desperately searching the walls for any clue as to where the hell your first period class was. It was the second week of the first semester so everyone else had the gist of their routes—except you. You being you, of course, this was only your first day as you ditched the entire first week. It was hard for you to make friends and unfortunately for you, none of your middle school friends came to this school; it was safe to say you weren't excited to start high school so you'd ditch whenever you got the chance.

Then there was Yonghee, some random kid who decided to help you out.

Yonghee was pretty much the opposite of you when it came to this whole school thing—he was diligent, even went to the freshmen orientation and everything. You were lucky that he noticed you, that your first period on that day was the same class, that he unknowingly let you attach yourself to his hip.

"Hey, y/n?" He called out to you, pulling you away from your reminiscent thoughts.

You simply hummed in response, glancing at him as you went back into the bag in front of you for another snack.

He paused for a second, toying with the promise ring around his finger that gleamed under the street light: it was something he got the two of you last year for your 2nd anniversary. It always made something well inside you when you notice him wearing it.

"Have you.. sent in your applications yet?" He quietly asked, big, curious eyes watching for your answer. They overwhelmed you, making you turn away as you looked up at the moon.

"Nope." You answered simply.

"'Nope'? You know the window closes soon, right? You should turn them in..."

You let out a puff of air that mimicked a laugh, but completely void of humor. "I'm not going to college."

His body was fully turned to you now, his eyes even wider than before from the shock of your words and how casually you said them. "You're not going? What do you mean you're not going??"

"I mean.. I'm not going, Yong. I'm taking a gap year, figure out what I wanna do, whether or not I wanna spend another four years suffering through school."

"And your parents said okay to that?"

"Of course not- I haven't even told them yet; they'd kick me out."

"Y/n…" he trailed off as his head spun from everything you just dropped on him.

You sighed, turning to face him with a small smile—though you understood his concern, you were dead set on your decision, already having thought it over at least a thousand times. "Hey, it's fine, alright? I'll get a job, stay with Jooyoung—you know her parents love me~"

Yonghee simply stared at you, not even knowing how to process it all or what to say in response. His face just fell further into a worried frown.

Your smile grew as you lifted a finger to his forehead, pressing at the space between his eyebrows to smooth out the crease, "I'll be fine, I promise, okay? Enough about me; have you done your apps?"

And there was that storm in his eyes again…

He looked away with a sigh of his own, "Yeah, a few Ivy's and um… an arts school."

"An.. arts school?"

"For acting- it's stupid, isn't it?" He lets out a pitiful laugh as he lowers his head to his arms that rested atop his knees.

"Not in the slightest, babe," You placed a hand in his hair, gently combing through it because you knew he loved that, "I just didn't know you were seriously into acting—I thought your theatre class was just for the credit?"

"It is… theatre isn't for me. I wanna be on a screen.. in dramas like-"

"Like Park Hyungsik?"

He lifted his head to look at you, unable to hold in a laugh when he met your sparkling eyes at the mention of Hyungsik, "if that's what you want, then sure."

"But in all seriousness though, Yong, I believe in you to make it. You've already got the face of an actor," you pinch his cheek as he blushes at your compliment, "you've got endless talent, a drive to do better all the time- if anyone's gonna be the next big actor, it's going to be you."

The smile Yonghee flashes your way this time felt like a blast of sunlight through the temporary reign the moon held on the sky. It was blinding, made your heart beat like crazy, and you knew that no matter how long you end up with him, you'd never get used to his beautiful smile.

"I feel like I can take on the world with you by my side." He whispered out, his voice honey sweet as he gazed at you.

You weren't able to handle him looking at you like that so you thought of the most moment-ruining thing you could do: fake vomit. You started dramatically gagging as you scooted away from him.

"What? What'd I say??"

You feigned disgust as you glanced at him, "how do you always manage to say the cheesiest things without realizing it?"

He rolled his eyes at you yet that pretty crescent sun stayed etched on his face. "Whatever just come back over here or else I'll have to eat all these snacks by myself."

You were quick to cuddle into his side, resting your head on his shoulder as you hugged his arm.

"Y/n?"

"That's me, yeah."

"Can you promise me something?"

You slightly pulled away from him to peer into his face, his eyes already on you, "I've been making a lot of promises tonight, but sure, what is it?"

"Promise me," he started before his hand hesitantly came up to cup the side of your face, making sure you didn't turn away from him as he spoke, "that no matter what happens.. we'll always be together, even if it's just as friends. I can't imagine my life without you in it now."

You could feel your cheeks blossoming red as you tried to stutter out a response, taken aback by the seriousness in his expression and words, "I- um- yeah.." Your hand raises to his own, your finger lightly rolling his cold ring against your cheek, "that's what these rings are for though, right?"

Yonghee didn't verbally respond but you could see the love he held for you color his dark eyes under this bleak night sky. His eyes shone much like his smile, but whereas his smile was like the rays of the sun, his eyes were the light that reflected off the ocean—it brought a subtle, but steadily growing warmth to your world.

So you kissed him. You kissed him to express all the love you held for him, love that he filled you with whenever he could, love that you were more than happy to give back.

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you sat down at the table, your hands shaking slightly as yonghee sat down aswell, right across from you.

'thanks for the meal, honey' you said, smiling lightly at the boy in an attempt to loosen the tension up a bit. he gave you a small smile in response, a short 'mhm' escaping his lips.

he went straight to eating after that, trying his best to ignore your confused gaze on him. almost as he was pretending you weren't there.

'is there something wrong?' you finally asked, breaking the silence between the two of you. 'did something bad happen at work lately? some family issues?'

he sat silent for a few seconds, avoiding eye contact with you.

'i don't know, you tell me' yonghee said, looking up at you. you couldn't really read anything from his face, but his eyes showed a lot. sadness, betrayal and a slight but clearly noticeable hint of anger. and yet you had no idea where all these emotions came from.

'what do you mean?' you looked at him, a confused look painting on your face.

'maybe about the big flower bouquet that someone left in front of our apartment yesterday?' he said in an annoyed tone. 'or maybe the love letter that came along with it?'

'yonghee, what are you talking about?' you couldn't hide your confusion. for a second you thought he might've imagined something; you had no knowledge of any flowers, let alone love letters from anyone else but him.

'don't play dumb, y/n.' he said, the tone of his voice making you shiver. through the entirety of your relationship, he never spoke to you that way; it was something new, and definitely not something you enjoyed.

'i am not.' you said, the whole situation stressing the hell out of you. 'i truly have no goddamn idea of what you're talking about.'

'do you really?' his eyes focused on yours, his earlier resting face now expressing anger and annoyance 'or are you just hiding something from me?'

'honey, please calm down.' you stood up in an attempt to come up to your boyfriend, but he quickly shut you off.

'don't honey me right now, y/n.' yonghee spat, standing up to take a step awan from you. 'you're trying so fucking hard to pretend you're not cheating on me, it's almost funny.'

his words were like a punch straight to the face.

'what?'

you couldn't believe he would actually accuse you of something like this. in that exact moment, you felt as if a stranger was standing right across from you, not your loving boyfriend. after all, your boyfriend trusted you, or so you thought. because whatever left his lips right now wasn't any signs of trust and you were 100% aware of it.

tears started gathering in your eyes, threatening to fall down every second. you felt as if someone just put a knife straight through your heart; all meanwhile you were trying your best not to burst out crying.

the room went silent, as yonghee slowly came to the realization of what he just said, and it scared him. he promised himself, so many times, to never gush out on you, and yet there he was; standing right across from you, a terrified, broken look on your face, looking like you're at the brink of breaking down.

and it was all because of him.

he wanted to apologize, say anything that would deny his previous words, but it felt as if his mouth was sealed, and no matter how much he tried, no words came out of him. 

and so he just had to watch as you bursted out crying, hiding your face in your hands as you walked out the kitchen, heading to the door. he watched frozen in place as you put on your shoes and coat, how you reached for your keys from the top shelf, where you would always put them. 

‘y/n-’ when he finally managed to say your name, it sounded more like a weak plead rather than his voice just minutes before, and all of a sudden he found himself at the brink of crying. 

he took a step towards you, an attempt to prevent you from leaving, but at the same time he knew that you would walk out the door either way. he fucked up, and your reaction was adequate to the situation you were in. 

he had no other choice but to let you leave. 

‘i’m going to seoyeon’s place.’ you said, trying to contain your crying just for a second. ‘just so you know where to find me, i guess.’

and you left, closing the door behind yourself, leaving yonghee to himself in an apartment that had never felt so empty before. it didn’t take long for him to break down just like you did a bit earlier; tears staining his cheeks as they rolled down, landing on the wooden floor. 

that night, yonghee didn’t sleep for even an hour straight. 

he was so mad at himself. for leashing out on you the way he did, for accusing you of something he knew you would absolutely never do. he risked losing you over something so stupid, too blinded by his own anger to even give you a second to explain yourself, to remind himself that you loved him too much to even come close to anything as terrible as cheating on your loved one. cheating on him.

he contemplated on whether to drive to seoyeon’s place or not, knowing well how overprotective of a friend she is. she probably wouldn’t even let him inside; not after hearing about what he did. 

yonghee didn’t waste any more time, not even bothering to change into something that wasn’t his yesterday's outfit. he looked quite miserable; hair messy, clothes creased, but at that time, it wasn’t really important for him. what was important was getting to your friend’s place as fast as he could. 

you didn’t really know what to expect when you saw your boyfriend in the doorway of seoyeon’s apartment, breathing heavily as if he was rushing up to get there. you didn’t have too much time to think about it, either; soon enough seoyeon’s head peeked out of the kitchen, and quickly rushed him to get inside. 

‘can we talk?’ he asked, his eyes focused on your face. before you were able to answer, though, your friend quickly got in the way of you two. 

‘before you even try to explain anything to her, i need to exchange a word with you.’ seoyeon looked serious like she never did before, yonghee shivering slightly at her cold and expressionless eyes staring daggers into him. ‘come outside with me for a minute.’

she looked over to you, her gaze immediately changing into a soft one, as she mouthed a quick ‘i’ve got this’, before disappearing behind the door. 

and so you waited in silence, with shaky hands and stress eating you from the inside, waiting for them to come back. 

you were grateful to have a friend like seoyeon for many reasons. one of them was that no matter the situation you were in, she would always help you out. just like she was doing it now. 

the night before, after she calmed you down and let you explain what had happened at your apartment, you asked her to talk to yonghee before talking with him yourself. she agreed immediately, knowing what the situation looked like, knowing why the argument even started in the first place. 

after all, you were well aware of the flowers and letters sent to you. you were just to afraid to tell yonghee about the whole situation.

the idea you could ever have a stalker never really crossed your mind, and yet here you were; receiving flowers, letters and other presents, first to your desk at work, then right to your doorstep. every single time before you had managed to somehow hide it from yonghee, afraid he wouldn't believe you if you told him about it, or that he would react the same way he did the night before; accusing you of cheating on him. 

and so you kept it to yourself. after a month, it became a routine for you; throwing out the presents you always got every day, extra careful not to let anyone see that there was anything wrong. 

but seoyeon obviously noticed. 

she had asked you about it one day at work, and you almost broke down in tears explaining the whole situation. even though you tried to play it cool all of the time, reality was this stalker thing was eating you from the inside. but having at least one person to help you deal with it was great, and you were grateful that she helped you with getting rid of every single thing your stalker got you. yet still, you didn’t want to listen to her with the most important thing, it obviously being telling your boyfriend about it. 

so you were incredibly relieved when seoyeon agreed to having that conversation with yonghee instead of you. she took a really big weight off your shoulders with that, and you couldn’t possibly comprehend how much you appreciated her for that. 

you heard the door open, snapping you out of your thoughts, and suddenly, the stress came back. but it seemed to die down immediately the moment you saw yonghee, his gaze soft and caring, just like it usually was. 

he immediately came up to you, closing you in a tight hug, one that you definitely needed at that moment. 

‘i’m sorry, honey.’ he said, resting his face on the crook of your neck. ‘for everything i said yesterday. for not taking time to think everything through. for gushing out on you like that. fuck- i’m so sorry.’

you smiled at him, your hand resting on top of his head, slowly stroking his head.

‘it’s okay, really’ you said, your hand continuing the movement. ‘it’s partially my fault for not telling you about the whole situation. i was’ you stopped for a second, taking a deep breath. ‘i was just scared you wouldn't believe me if i actually told you.’

‘please don’t feel that way, ever again’ he said, his eyes locking with yours. ‘and don’t think it’s your fault, y/n. it was me who’s in the wrong for gushing out on you this way, and i shouldn’t have done this. i’m here to support you, right? help you through every situation. after all, your problems are my problems too, you know?’

‘i’ll keep that in mind.’ you mumbled under your breath, just enough for yonghee to hear. he simled lightly, planting a quick kiss on your forehead. 

‘sorry to interrupt your moment’ seoyeon said, walking out of the kitchen with her phone in her hand ‘but are you guys staying for dinner? i planned on ordering pizza today, and there’s a discount if you buy more than one.’

you looked at eachother, laughing silently.

‘i’ll pay for it.’ yonghee said, his words sounding more like a fact than a suggestion. ‘it’s the least i can do for now.’

‘sounds good to me.’ seoyeon said, heading back into the kitchen ‘but don’t think you’ll buy yourself into my graces this way. i’ll have my eye on you!’

yonghee laughed at your friend’s remark, looking over to you.

‘don’t worry about that. i’ll prove to you i’m worthy of dating your best friend.’

taglist: @ox1-lovesick <3

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