Nerdy Bullshit

What if you were a bright young reporter with a point of view back in the 70s, except wait, NO YOU WEREN'T, you were a HOT JUNKIE IMBECILE, and then some crazy dude who thinks is a VAMPIRE cornered you at the gay bar, but he doesn't want to fuck, he wants you to interview him, and apparently he's ACTUALLY a vampire, and you do the interview, but then he ATTACKS you, and it all goes to SHIT, and his insane hot boyfriend is jealous, so he TORTURES you for an entire week, and you're such a FREAK that you get a BONER out of it, and then everything is a blur, and then BAM, you're in your 70s and you're SICK and DYING, and the first vampire wants to REDO the interview, and you get a crush on his hot young assistant, and then you discover you were BRAINWASHED, and the assistant turns out to be the one who tortured you back in the 70s, and you get a boner AGAIN, and then you remember that he's THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE with whom you spent a good TEN YEARS with, and he TURNS YOU INTO A VAMPIRE, and then DISAPPEARS, and then you start STALKING each other all around the globe, and you want him BACK, and you want to do a documentary with a vampire ROCKSTAR who thinks you're ANNOYING, THEN WHAT