Erlebnisse; sturmfrei

"I dunno, Annie…" Your voice is tired, weaker than the ticking of the clock on the wall. You feel hollowed out and frightened. "I dunno why. I dunno why I thought it would. I dunno what we are."

You’re a monster and you deserved it.

"I dunno—" You begin to move your palms to cover your drooping eyes, but Annie reaches for them, and holds your hand kindly and carefully. You look at her. You could cry. 

"I don’t know what to do—"

"I don't know either, Reiner..." That doesn't help. But you don't know, and you know that both Reiner and yourself are... different. Since you met him, you both clicked right away, it was scary. You've always felt drawn to him in a way you never really understood. Even last Thanksgiving he knew something was up, he knew what you were feeling, unlike everyone else.

What we are.

That phrase lingers in your head. Stuck in there, repeating itself. What exactly are they? Human, yes, definitely. But you think about the nightmares, think about your conformation with Auruo about them... you're a monster in your nightmares. Does Reiner have the same ones...?

"We're... different." You say after a while, quietly, half mumbling into his shoulder. "Very different. But I don't know exactly what we are."

"Annie—" You answer; your voice quavers so you shut your mouth and swallow, but there’s relief in it. Real relief. You’ve been more lonely than you thought. 

"M’sorry for bein’ vague. That wasn’t fair. I just—" You lift your hand in some kind of ineffectual gesture. How do you even tell her? You look down and your fist falls against your thigh. It hurts.

All at once you shove the blanket away from your legs, as though it had burst into flame. You push it nearly off the bed and tuck your good leg against your chest, toes gripping the sheets. Below the other knee is a bandaged stump: it’s closest to her, you know she can see it. But you’re not looking at her — you’re staring at what isn’t there, thinking about how much your future will change and what the hell happened in your past. 

You shake your head, stopping beside the bed. "No, it's fine. I'm just as vague." He knows that all too well, but he's always good at getting information out of her sooner or later if he really tries. You're about to reach for his hand, you want to show that you're here for him and you're not going to press the issue, and he then shoves away the covers.

Glancling over, stopping at the bandaged stump, going cold at you stare. "Why hasn't it grown back--" The words leave your mouth before you can stop yourself, and you look at him. You're confused, for multiple reasons now. Limbs don't grow back, you know that. But you think back to every time you were injured in some way; you always expected smoke and for the pain for disappear almost immediately. 

You feel like his leg should still be there. It should have grown back. No matter what had happened to him.

You roared like a cornered animal when they told you it couldn’t be saved. You thrashed and kicked and swung your fists, and you roared louder because in your idiot rage you jostled your useless splintered leg and the pain was like nothing you’d ever felt. “Wait!" You screamed, because you knew it should start growing back any moment now. You’d see that smoke and you’d be alright, and then your body would be perfect. You’d stand up taller than the buildings and smash them when they tried to hold you down—- — -

You don’t remember much after that. Apparently your parents were phoned. Apparently you’d spoken with them, but you can’t remember what was said. You remember a roaring in your head and strange, gore-splattered sights behind your eyelids…

In any case, you were wrong: your leg didn’t grow back. It’s confusing, but what’s even more baffling is why you were so convinced it was coming back in the first place. You are miserable and confused, and your parents visiting you was only a momentary reprieve; they brought you homecooked stuff and your favorite snacks, and a book you’d asked for specifically.

So you read, moving sporadically to squeeze or scratch a limb that isn’t there. It hurts, sometimes more than you can bear, but they tell you it’ll go away in time. You’re scared of “in time”. There are things you’ll have to deal with that you wish you didn’t.

At the moment, you’re waiting for Annie. They’ll let in more than just your family now, and Annie was the person you needed to see most. You want to see Conny too, you wanna see his thousand watt smile and kiss that laughing mouth, but Annie is privy to things you don’t want Conny to touch. You remember the car, last Thanksgiving: you know that Annie feels the guilt, knows the beast. You can make sense of at least that much. You know that she knows you better than those who raised you.

It makes you nervous. 

Chain smoking the whole drive there, you hit the gas when the light finally turns green; going perhaps a bit over the speed limit as you make your way to the hospital. Pulling in, you ditch the cigarette butt in the ashtray, locking up your truck before you quickly make your way inside; girl on a mission, one track mind. Heading straight to the desk to ask for Reiner Braun's room, once given directions, you give a nod and a quick 'thank you' before heading to the floor he's on.

You maneuver past doctor's and patients, hands balled tightly in your hoodie pocket. You hate hospitals, can't stand them. Being here makes you antsy, but you need to see Reiner. It feels like it's been so long...

Now you're at his door, and you stop. Biting down on your lip, you stare at the handle, heartbeat echoing in your ears, nails digging into your palms. You're scared. Afraid of what you'll see once you open that door, you have no idea what you expect, but you know he's alive, and really... really that's what matters.

[ Text ]: Why are you in the hospital, what happened?

levonhardy replied to your post:Shreks on TV. Feelin pretty good about life right…

Are you feeling like an All Star?

[ text ]: awwwwwwwwwww thanks babygirl //3

[ text ]: YEAH

[ Text ]: Figured.