Reiner Braun IS IN TOWN

You shake your head, stopping beside the bed. “No, it’s fine. I’m just as vague.” He knows that all too well, but he’s always good at getting information out of her sooner or later if he really tries. You’re about to reach for his hand, you want to show that you’re here for him and you’re not going to press the issue, and he then shoves away the covers.

Glancing over, stopping at the bandaged stump, going cold at you stare. “Why hasn’t it grown back—” The words leave your mouth before you can stop yourself, and you look at him. You’re confused, for multiple reasons now. Limbs don’t grow back, you know that. But you think back to every time you were injured in some way; you always expected smoke and for the pain for disappear almost immediately. 

You feel like his leg should still be there. It should have grown back. No matter what had happened to him.

"I dunno, Annie..." Your voice is tired, weaker than the ticking of the clock on the wall. You feel hollowed out and frightened. "I dunno why. I dunno why I thought it would. I dunno what we are."

You're a monster and you deserved it.

"I dunno--" You begin to move your palms to cover your drooping eyes, but Annie reaches for them, and holds your hand kindly and carefully. You look at her. You could cry. 

"I don't know what to do--"

It makes you nervous. 

Chain smoking the whole drive there, you hit the gas when the light finally turns green; going perhaps a bit over the speed limit as you make your way to the hospital. Pulling in, you ditch the cigarette butt in the ashtray, locking up your truck before you quickly make your way inside; girl on a mission, one track mind. Heading straight to the desk to ask for Reiner Braun’s room, once given directions, you give a nod and a quick ‘thank you’ before heading to the floor he’s on.

You maneuver past doctor’s and patients, hands balled tightly in your hoodie pocket. You hate hospitals, can’t stand them. Being here makes you antsy, but you need to see Reiner. It feels like it’s been so long…

Now you’re at his door, and you stop. Biting down on your lip, you stare at the handle, heartbeat echoing in your ears, nails digging into your palms. You’re scared. Afraid of what you’ll see once you open that door, you have no idea what you expect, but you know he’s alive, and really… really that’s what matters.

"Annie--" You answer; your voice quavers so you shut your mouth and swallow, but there's relief in it. Real relief. You've been more lonely than you thought. 

"M'sorry for bein' vague. That wasn't fair. I just--" You lift your hand in some kind of ineffectual gesture. How do you even tell her? You look down and your fist falls against your thigh. It hurts.

All at once you shove the blanket away from your legs, as though it had burst into flame. You push it nearly off the bed and tuck your good leg against your chest, toes gripping the sheets. Below the other knee is a bandaged stump: it's closest to her, you know she can see it. But you're not looking at her -- you're staring at what isn't there, thinking about how much your future will change and what the hell happened in your past. 

Your ribs have cracked, pressing you flat against the earth. What brings you back is the more human side, the Levi of today, the Anais. You recognize the car for what it is, not deluded into thinking its something different.

Everything is sharp when the car hits. When he’s hit, Corporal dies. Anais needs to move, to apologize, to make sure he’s okay. He’s just a kid! A bleeding, gasping kid that’s trying to shed the skin of who he was.

Your throat is dried from great, greedy, wheezing gulps of air. If you stop breathing you'll die, you know it. The blurry countenance above you makes you angry and desperate -- Say something. Say ANYTHING. You swing your fist with a broken grunt, and its clumsy. Your body shakes with each frantic beat of your heart, and it makes you clumsy. None of your limbs work like they're supposed to-- What's happening??

Your hand settles on her arm, and you squeeze. Your anger is nothing in the face of the pain, and you realize that now, but it meshes your memories, makes them collide messily. One thought surfaces: "I'm sorry--"

His irritation — preamble to the rage you know he carries — stitches together his words. Your shields raise. You can’t just tell him you’re clipped with everyone, though this is true. You know its different with him, with Annie, with Bertholdt.

It comes back in flashes, flashes so hard you really do need to stop. Have your ribs cracked … ? 

"Fuck off, titan."

Its out before you can stop it, like you just puked on his shoes. Titan … Had you recently ever uttered a word akin?

"What?"

Your idiot lips start to form around the word -- Titan -- but your thoughts become deafening: No. Stop. Don't dig, don't reach. You won't like what you'll find, Reiner, you'll hate it. It'll ruin you.

"I'm not--"

You aren't? What aren't you? What are you? Your feet are poised on either side of a threshold; answers or escape. Your jaw clenches and you shake your head wildly, put your palms to your temples, an animal in a cage.

"I'm NOT--!!"

Run, Reiner. You're not a monster, you're a good boy. You're a blonde-haired bright-eyed angel and you have lots of friends, and you love them, and they love you. And you're not forgetting anything; that's all you need. So run, run before you remember what you did to your friends. Run before you remember what it was like to look down at rubble beneath your feet, and belch steam from your armored jaw. Run. Run!! RUN!!

You back away, quick, stumbling steps, and for a fraction of a second you see Levi's eyes widen. You see her flinch, like she's about to come after you, so you lift your foot. It's so easy to crush a human being--

And then you hear a car horn.

The next moment is a blur —  sharp squeal of rubber against tarmac, a fleshy thump, street lights and store windows and vague silhouettes of people blending sickeningly before you're aware of your head hitting the ground. 

“Ah—” You open your mouth. You can’t breathe. Everything is too bright, too real, and it's blinding. There’s a shrill ringing in your ears that stifles everything but the machine gun pace of your heartbeat. Slow down, you will, eyes roving, uncomprehending, let me catch up.

"Uh— H— Hahh—” Vocal chords aren’t working either. You swallow and it hurts, your voice is a weak tremble and you hate it. You shake as you try to lift yourself off the ground.

You see bone and blood. A mangled limb, arrayed at a 90 degree angle, in the wrong direction. Stars pop into your vision, bright smears of light — Where’s the steam?

Why aren’t you healing?

Pain catches up to you before your vision does, and you wrack your battered mind for an explanation. You are infallible; you are armored; you are whole and your limbs will never be severed; you will always heal.

One, two, three, we all fall down

"You can do whatever you like.” you tell him, and its true. If he wants to be jocular and friendly then he can do that. You just might not thaw as quickly as he’d like, if at all. And itsll the same if he wants to avoid you.

The angry part. The part that does violent things for confusing reasons.

Is that why Levi hates you? Does she know?

You want to know -- "Hey." You ask, after her words have a moment to sink in the silence, "Why're you always so short with me...?" You ask between hurried breaths. "Did I do somethin'--" You gasp, swallow, "Wrong...? I don't-- I don't fuckin' get it."