Let's Go Thru

Although poignant and reflective the 2010 French film The Big Picture, originally titled L'homme qui voulait vivre sa vie - The man who wanted to live his life, is a psychological thriller full of subtle psychology and empty of thrills. Blink once and you may miss the entire point of this introspective piece. 

The Big Picture stars French actor Romain Duris as Paul Exben, a successful Parisian lawyer with two perfect children, house and wife. The seemingly perfect life. However, it’s more nuanced than that. Director/writer Eric Lartigau (A Ticket to Space, La Famille Bélier) makes it complicated, as life is. Things are not so black and white. From the first interaction between Paul and his wife Sarah, played by Marina Foïs, it’s clear he’s completely oblivious to her unhappiness. This is the flaw he must overcome - his narcissism. 

Later, upon the news of his partner’s incurable and fatal diagnosis, Paul receives a call from Sarah and the two meet at a cafe where Sarah tries to communicate her troubles. Distracted from the morning’s news, Paul brushes off her struggles with her writing career and the two fight. Sarah feels trapped by the house, children and feels rejected both from her husband and the writing community. They agree to talk that night. However, that talk never happens and after only a few sips of wine Paul and Sarah have sex - Paul is completely oblivious to the fact that Sarah is detached from the entire experience, going through the motions - playing the role of the good and complacent wife.

After a few distant and tense interactions with his wife Paul eventually concludes that Sarah is having an affair. Instead of confronting her, or talking about their marital issues he gets drunk at a dinner party and teases her about writing, humiliating her in front of all their friends. This is the last straw for Sarah and she asks for a divorce. Again, Paul makes the wrong move. He confronts her lover, an arrogant trust fund bohemian, trying to be a photographer, Grégoire Kremer played by Eric Ruf. This is particularly sore for Paul as he himself gave up his dream of being a photographer to become a lawyer and live, ‘the good life’ - a stable life. As Kremer insults him, encouraging a fight, Paul finally snaps, breaking a bottle over Kremer’s head. After Kremer throws Paul and himself to the ground, he lands on some broken bottle and dies from the bloody wound in his neck. 

Knowing the only way to avoid arrest and a public scandal, Paul runs from responsibility once again. He disposes of the body, settles things with his firm, fakes his own death, assumes Kremer’s identity, and moves to what appears to be a small village in Montenegro. He spends one last afternoon with his children before driving away, watching a confused and concerned Sarah in the rearview window. 

Despite its flashy comic book style aesthetics, captivating fight scenes, and impressive physical performance from Charlize Theron as British spy Lorraine Broughton, Atomic Blonde (2017) suffers from the classic ‘all style no substance’. Unfortunately it’s bogged down by unsympathetic characters and disjointed plot. But there are two elements that the film does quite well in providing both style and substance: the use of lighting and the execution of action sequences.

Based on the 2012 graphic novel The Coldest City, Atomic Blonde centres around Lorraine Broughton, a spy tasked with retrieving the names of the double agents who will be crossing into the West during the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. This is the political backdrop of the film. Director David Leitch constantly reminds the audience that they are in the 80s with dramatic spray painted graphics, a killer soundtrack full of reimagined 80s hit songs and neon upon neon. 

The look Leitch and cinematographer Johnathan Sela (collaborators with Chad Stahelski on 2014’s John Wick) create hinges off of the punchy comic book aesthetic and the 80s love of neon. The neon lighting in Atomic Blonde is era appropriate but also symbolic. Each character is doused in their own colored lighting. Lorraine drowning in blue, Jame McAvoy’s eccentric MI6 character David Percival always with a saturated green and the sensual French spy, Delphine Lasalle played by Sofia Boutella, in a captivating red. These colours represent the cold, detached demeanour of Lorraine, the greed of Percival and the romance of Lasalle. The interiors drenched in saturated light pair well with the depressing and drab exterior colour grading, perhaps symbolizing the contrast between the excessive partying of the 80s and the political turmoil of Germany at that time. Albeit cool looking, the neon lighting ends up feeling overused, losing its lustre halfway through the film. 

More important than the hidden symbolism of colour in Atomic Blonde, is the action. It’s the action that makes you appreciate this movie. The sequences are expertly choreographed, executed and shot. They are a clear jump into the new era of cinematic action choreography brought on by Leitch, Sela and Stahelski from John Wick, starring Keanu Reeves. 

It’s refreshing to see more fight sequences break free from the shaky, over-cut action inspired by Doug Liman’s The Bourne Identity (2002). The smooth dance between actors and camera has become a staple of Leitch and he leaves the audience captivated by every move and bloody blow.

Not only is the action fresh, it’s believable. Theron was very adamant on creating choreography that a woman would actually, and could actually execute. Not only that but her character gets beat up. Really beat up. At one point you think to yourself, “Jeeze. Stop. This is too much.” Which is fantastic. Each blow seems harrowing to our protagonist, raising the stakes as the next bad guy in a never ending stream of bad guys rounds the corner. It’s a testimate to Lorraine’s perseverance and strength. 

Does the above make Lorraine anymore less dangerous or the action sequences any less interesting? No. Arguably her cleverness and sneakiness make Lorraine more lethal and the sequences more interesting. Lorraine uses her environment to win a fight. Nothing about a man being stabbed in the neck with a stiletto heel sounds boring. Atomic Blonde takes both The Bourne Identiy’s iconic pen stabbing scene and John Wick’s gun-fu action to a terrifyingly “lady-like” place.

Watch a clip of the action below in the film’s Stairwell Scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XarGS1AeEcE

Is there a deeper, profound meaning underneath the hood of Atomic Blonde? Not really. But it’s a fun flick and a step in the right direction in creating believable female action heroes who are just as dangerous as the male ones. And for their own reasons. If you go into Atomic Blonde wanting an overly stylistic portrayal of a chilly female spy breaking the bones of bad guys in unexpected ways, the film delivers. Just don’t expect to be moved emotionally by the experience.

Like the Atomic Blonde soundtrack? Have a listen to HEALTH’s cover of Blue Monday by New Order, made specifically for the film:

I've been pretty sick since the last work out but I felt semi-decent today so I managed to do 3 rounds of my warm up. Just getting back to moving and wanted to take it easy but still move the 'ol creaky body ya know?

The Ten Tens

10 lunges

10 push ups

10 sit ups

10 arm circles

10 passthroughs

10 burpees

10 dips

10 wall angels

10 squat jumps

I saw a quote the other day. I can’t for the life of me remember where, or who, it was from but it stuck with me. This may not even be verbatim, so I should say the essence of the quote stuck with me. 

“You can fuel yourself with negative energy, or you can fuel yourself with positive energy.” 

Negative energy vs positive energy is already a thing. The conclusion of that debate is simply this: Negative energy gets you started. Positive energy keeps you going.

Now link this up with the classic tortured artist. Close your eyes. We picture Van Gogh living off pennies, drinking himself into madness. Or finding Sylvia Plath at the bottom of a pill bottle. We can all picture him or her. All black, shrouded in melancholy, dripping in despair. We both revere and avoid the tortured artist. They share something we all feel but cannot express. They are brilliant, yes. But they are also sick and died early. 

We believe their depression and disorders fuelled their eccentricities and their nonconformity. We believe their suffering fuelled their work and connects them to the profound, beautiful and often times, absurd experience that is called being human. 

I believe there is something positive in having the ability to share your vulnerabilities and deepest ideas with the world. It means you believe they are worth sharing. That you believe they are valid or important. That comes from a place of self-confidence, positivity and grace. 

For a long time I thought I had to be sulking in a damp corner somewhere to connect to the beauty and suffering of life. I found that cultivating this negative attitude allowed me to observe the world around me and formulate my own ideas. But it wasn’t until I started believing in myself, gaining self-confidence, laughing at the absurdities of the world, that I saw the incredible power of fuelling myself with positive energy. 

I wasn’t ignoring the suffering I saw, or the underlying melancholy I feel. In fact I was embracing it with a smile. A pat on the back. A hug. Telling it it’s good enough. That it’s worth this world. 

Using positive energy has changed the way I look at my life and the things I create. It’s made my focus and my discipline stronger. And because of this desire to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually, I am able to finally start putting my writing into the world - with the fear of rejection, of course. But I now have the ability to be afraid and tell myself, “It’s going to be o.k.” and do it anyways. Using negative energy can’t do that. 

A sketch of my new creative writing and piano space! Excited to get working on it tonight with the green nook on the left by taping off the green and using colour to form a space within a space. This'll probably take me 6 months due to costs and time but I'm excited to get started! I've attached a colour palette, but the richness gets lost on the screen. We've got Deep Green, Baby Powder, Moccasin, Maximim Yellow Red and Blue Saphire. Also, imagine gold accents with the metals in the room 😍Possibly a rose gold plant hanger. Oof so excited!

Warm Up Ten Tens:

10 lunges

10 push-ups

10 sit ups

10 arm circles

10 wall angels

10 burpees

10 pass-through

10 hip stretches

Workout: 30sec on/30 sec off, 3 rounds of each group

10 high knees

2 push-ups

4 split lunges

2 burpees

Plant

Side plank L

Side plant R

As I focus more on writing screenplays and piano practice I have set a design challenge for myself. What makes a creative space for me? What aesthetic helps my creativity? What comforts or irritates? Some people don’t give a hoot, well at least they think they don’t. But I am a very visual person and it’s time to start designing a space that reflects me but also creates structure to get things done.

I’m torn between two worlds. There is the world lined with books, papers, photos and plants. Not a blank space in site. This mirrors the swirling chaos that is my brain. Then then there is the space of order, minimalism, white walls and stark, clean lines. This doesn’t necessarily reflect me but it could help control my overactive muse by instilling some structure into it’s indulgences. 

So for the moment I will take note of how I feel writing in this nook laid out rather strangely within our cozy two bedroom apartment. I’ve noticed that I feel weird having the right side of my body exposed to the elements in the living room. I don’t feel completely safe. I think I will plop a step bookcase beside me to close me in.

I moved a few plants to my area and can already tell I crave more. Surround me with nature! It would be lovely to write amongst my emerald friends. I will cover the stair shelf with plants and books to enclose the space. 

Books are also my friends and I would like having more of them around. I’m not a huge fan of the bookcases we have, as it clusters them together and makes me feel imbalances. It would be great to have a couple of more open ones scattered about the walls or filling the base of a bench instead. Spread them around, have them in horizontal and vertical stacks. I like the idea of using them as decoration as well as references and memory banks. 

As I look around my space a bit more I realize I’m not a huge fan of open papers. They make me feel a bit anxious. This is one thing I will have to solve with some media and paper organizers. Hopefully I can find some charming colours.

It’s also clear that I will have to separate my paper piles into categories. My brain has no shortage of ideas in terms of stories, poems and screenplays so I need a place for “New Ideas” that have yet to undergo the process. Then a pile for collaborative works. A pile for screenplays. A pile for short stories etc. etc. Lots of piles that I don’t necessarily want to see but that I don’t want hidden so I forget about them. Hmm. Tricky. Piles on piles. I’ll have to ruminate on this, a particular feeling doesn’t come to mind. 

Now in terms of white walls. I love a white wall. But I also love feeling snuggly like a butterfly in a cocoon. Still not 100% sure on this one. But it’s an easy fix. Paint isn’t super stressful and it’s a small space to cover up. I’ll try white and see how it goes. 

With white walls my art prints will look great. Perhaps I can fill the space with darker, moodier prints and frames instead of a paint colour. 

That’s just thinking about the writing aspect of this space. I’ve figured out a few things but I also have a piano, that I am starting to learn to play with a very wonderful teacher. I’d like to continue learning it because it creates what I like to call, “mood for the soul”. But it’s long and I’m not quite sure how to arrange the space to facilitate both writing and piano.  

I recently stumbled upon a video about making your creative passion your ‘job’. They define job as a mindset more than an actual paid title. It’s about taking the attitudes that you have towards your creative passions, whether it be writing, painting, piano, filmmaking etc. from hobby to professional.

One of the more interesting things in the video was the concept of creative resistance. Creative resistance is a term coined by American novelist Steven Pressfield, from his book, “The War of Art”. For Pressfield, creative resistance is “a universal force that has one sole mission: to keep things as they are.” It goes on to describe this resistance as a non-malicious force that is simply trying to complete it’s only purpose. He uses it to interpret the universal force that acts against human creativity. Example: You want to write a book. But you seem to never find the right time to write. For myself, I see it as the force that acts against human creativity and our desire to improve ourselves. 

Resistance is that little tug you feel when you are trying to change. I can feel it. The tug that wants you to stay where you are because it’s cozy and familiar. 

I have a theory. This resistance happens not because of some universal force that is seeking to keep things as they are. The universe is constantly changing, expanding, moving. It has no problem with change and as the Big Bang shows, creating. It’s always destroying and creating. This resistance happens because are brains are always looking to take the path of least resistance. 

Our brains want us to maintain something called ‘homeostasis.’ Homeostasis is the brain’s ability to keep a system (your body) functioning at a constant condition. The brain looooooooooves doing the same ol’ habits because then it doesn’t have to think as hard and can focus on maintaining your body with maximum efficiency. 

When we try to change, the brain resists because it is using more energy than it would normally. It wants to go back to those old habits. It's hardwired to resist change. That’s why when you try to form a new habit you get tired quickly and you revert to the habit you’ve done a million times. It’s easier. But, as we all know, easier is not always better.

Back to creative resistance. Having a laissez-faire attitude about your creative passions is low-stress. Your brain doesn’t have to think too much and you can write, or paint etc. when you feel like it. Having a set schedule to work on your creative passion (i.e. fighting creative resistance) means you’re creating a new habit. Which means your brain is going to try to tug you back into old habits. At first. 

Eventually, with a routine and repetition you can make a new habit and turn your creative passion into your “job” without stressing your brain out too much. Pressfield gave the example of starting his day off with a walk, a cup of coffee, answering emails and phone calls and then writing. He had a routine. 

Start small. Maybe 5mins a day at a set time. Try that for a week. When your brain is used to that try 10mins. 15mins. So forth and so on. Maybe have a ritual that tells your brain it’s time to get down to business. But what’s important is that it’s consistent. Eventually the tugging will go away and your brain won’t be looking back for an old habit because it takes the same amount of energy to do the new one.

I wasn't feeling a workout tbh. Not even a little. But I put on my big girl pants, blasted some Daft Punk and showed that self doubt who is boss. When I started I wasn't going to do the whole ab workout below because I thought just doing a workout was a win. Jokes on my brain because I'm getting used to feeling resistance from the old me and learning to push myself mentally.

Warm Up - Cardio Intervals:

60sec jumping jacks

60sec side to side leaps

Rest 60sec

60sec run in place

60sec side shuffles

Rest 60sec

60sec mountain climbers

30sec rest

60sec burpees (did 12 heck yes)

30sec rest

60sec high knees

30sec rest

60sec squat jumps

60sec rest

30sec air jacks

15sec rest

30sec squat jumps

15sec rest

30sec jump lunges

15sec rest

30sec jump lunges

60sec rest

Decievingly challenging. But it's how hard you go that makes the difference. Worked up a good sweat this time! Popped a lung on those burpees I'll tell you whhhhhat.

A Kayla Itsines Ab Workout

Do an AMRAP for 5mins each circuit with a 30sec rest in between then do it again cause why the heck not?! (2xper circuit)

Circuit A

15 reps bent leg jackknifes

30 bicycle crunches

20 straight leg sit up twist

Circuit B

20 toe taps

30 Russian twists

15 bent leg sit ups

Stomach is on 🔥 this may be my last entry. 😂

Cardio ladder!! Aka the heart exploder.

10 burpees

20 jump squats

30 bicycle crunches

40 mountain climbers

50 jumping jacks

Reverse that nonsense back down. It'll never get easier because you can always go faster.

Today was arm day!

3 sets of 12 reps of the following with 7.5lb dumbbells

1. Overhead extension

2. Military push-ups (did the real ones💪🏻)

3. Tricep rows

4. Push-ups (from knees my arms were gone at this point)

5. Bicep curls

6. Lateral raises

7. Tricep kickbacks

8. Push Press

Arms = Jello Cubes

Happy Sunday!

I notice the effect my diet has on my mood. The more refined sugars and processed foods I eat, the more my mood shifts from rainbows and sunshine to my life is over. This happens to me both acutely and chronically. 

It’s difficult to establish a stable health routine when my mood dictates how I view myself and how I act. When I’m low, I see no point in eating well or exercising and I don’t have very good body image. When I’m high, I eat healthy, exercise and it’s easier to focus on what I like about myself. But because of my swings I find it hard to eat well, exercise and improve how I view myself consistently. Doing something consistently is key to success.

By focusing on what I am putting into my body I am already seeing a overall mood shift in my mood. This doesn’t mean my sad thoughts or feelings go away. Actually the opposite. I’m finding that by eating healthy I can’t soothe my emotions through eating processed foods, so instead I try to go through them and experience them. This first week has been uncomfortable but rewarding. I know it’s the right thing to do for the version of myself I’d like to be. 

It’s great that academic studies about the effects of diet on the symptoms of depression and anxiety are starting to surface. The link is to the full article. Here is a quick quote from the conclusion but you should definitely read the whole thing if you have the time!

A few days after starting this blog with the intent of learning how to love myself and live the best version of my life both emotionally, physically and spiritually, I was put in a situation where I was surrounded by the sick and the dying. I’m not going to lie, this felt like some sort of test. Being around the sick and dying is an experience I rarely undertake and after I went through it I was deeply saddened and moved.

After being at the hospital all day my Uncle called me around 4pm on Tuesday June 18th 2019. He needed some company in the emergency section as he waited with his mother, my Nana, in the hopes of organizing a CT scan for her and the mysterious lumps that had formed suspiciously quickly on her face and throat.

My Nana, in her early 80s, suffers from parkinson’s disease and as a result, dementia. She now lives in a long-term care home. I’ve always remembered her as an active adult. She was always biking, playing tennis, hiking, sailing, windsurfing, watching her diet, taking care of her body, you name it.

Seeing her as she is now is difficult. 50% of the time she called me by another name. 50% of the time she didn’t know she was in a hospital. She couldn’t walk or go to the bathroom by herself. She could barely see. She had lumps on her face, something which had just developed and which are assumed to be cancerous. The results of the CT scan were inconclusive so there needs to be a biopsy. The scary part was that she didn’t really even realize she had lumps.

As we rolled out of her CT scan, another patient was being rolled in. He was writhing in pain, sheets covering his legs, large lumps all over his stomach. He was old, suffering from mental health issues and yelling profanities. I looked past him saw a woman waiting outside a drawn curtain, tired eyes filled with tears, no doubt a friend or family member of whoever was behind the curtain. There were those waiting for loved ones who weren’t coming back. There was so much pain in that hospital room. I had one thought, “I’m sorry. I feel your pain. I want to help you.”

There was nothing I could do to help those people. I had no control. No way to feel better. I felt terrible. It’s like I wanted to help them so badly but knew I couldn’t. But then I realized I did have the control to help the people I did know.

I could help him change her depends, and help her to the washroom. We even called ourselves, “Untrained Healthcare Professionals”.

I could wait and try to talk to my Nana while my Uncle went to take a break. I could ask her about her favourite movie or her favourite place visit. It took her a very long time to respond but she eventually would with, “Back to the Future” and “Tahiti”. I could keep her necklace and dentures safe while she got scanned. As hard and emotionally draining as it was for me I could do something to help, even if it was little.

I am proud of the version of myself who helped with my Nana. The one who was able to wait with my Uncle for 5 hours and then help him take her back to the home. I am proud of this version of myself because I would not have done the same in the past. When my Uncle called me to come to the hospital, my first reaction was to say I was busy. A year ago, to be honest, I probably would have lied and said I couldn’t have gone. I don’t like that version of myself. I don’t like the version of myself that avoids helping to avoid pain. I like the one who helps, even if it is emotionally draining for me to do so.

But self-care is important. You can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first. I knew I was drained. When my Uncle drove me home, I cried in front of him. I never cry in front of family members. I don’t want them to know how or what I’m feeling. But, I took care of others and in that moment I wanted to take care of myself. I’m slowly learning to accept that my emotions could make other people uncomfortable, and that’s ok. I can’t control how they react. So I took care of myself and cried a little.

A day later the heaviness of the hospital was still there so in private, I had a full emotional release. It felt amazing and I was not ashamed to go through all of the emotions from the previous day. The weight of the suffering of my Nana and all those in that hospital room lifted off. I felt lighter. A few years ago I would have kept all of that suffering and sadness with me and it would have stayed and piled.

Even though it was difficult for me the whole experience taught me a lot.

It taught me that there isn’t really any control over my future. I could eat what my body needs, have a positive mindset, love myself, exercise, meditate etc. etc. and still be in the emergency room of a hospital sick or dying. But I do have control of what I do in the present. I have control of how I spend my time right now. I do have control of what version of myself I want to be now. Now is the only time that matters, and then it’s gone.

It taught me to take care of myself. Be mindful of how I’m feeling, and go through it. Don’t get stuck in it, go through it. Feel things and let them go.