'41269'

Everything is going to get harder. 

I want to say that stopping was intentional. In a way, it was. I decided not to write anything. I didn’t know why, but...after all that’s happened, it makes a little more sense. 

I’m saying this stuff to myself because I need to see it in writing. That was the reason, it was the purpose of the whole thing. At least, that’s what I used it for. I was writing things here when I should have been talking about them. I was telling a computer things I couldn’t tell my friends. The people...the person I care about the most. I was talking to a wall. 

It would piss me off, but no one tricked me. Not even Dr. Kadowaki. She just gave me an assignment to carry out on my own terms and this is what I did with it. It sickens me, a little. 

A lot of things had to happen for me to be the way I am. There were choices I made. Otherwise I’d be...someone else. Some other way, and I’d be miserable. Sometimes it feels like that person’s the real, truer version, and I’m some kind of impostor. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be happy. I can’t possibly have done all those things right. I couldn’t have gotten that lucky. 

But I wake up...and I’m still here. She’s right next to me.

We stayed up last night. That’s why I was late. I don’t know what I feel, but I know what I think.

This whole thing is unnecessary. The only thing she did was fix a problem we had no other solution to.

We took a walk outside today. First time Rinoa’s been out of our room in a couple days. Galbadia Garden is almost ready to head out with us to F.H. for refit. I tried to get her to look at it so she could see what she’d accomplished, but I don’t think she wanted to.

She’s scared no one will trust her, anymore. After the way everyone reacted, I can’t say I blame her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay with her every second of the day, but I know she wants me here.

“Better late than never” is only true if “late” doesn’t lead to “never.” There are a lot of things more important than journal entries. 

Part of being a SeeD means learning to perceive threats before they happen. It also means understanding that not everything that scares you is a threat. It doesn’t help anyone to succumb to paranoia. You’ll make stupid decisions. 

I’ve never had a day like this, and I hope I never do, again. I don’t think I’ve ever been this disappointed in the people I work with...and my friends. Or whatever. 

Maybe it was a mistake. If it was, I'm not sorry for it. Rinoa did it. Everyone saw her, and everyone knows, now. And they’re all angry at me. 

I don’t care. We have Galbadia Garden in the air. We got what we wanted...and it’s because of her. She did it for nothing. Less than nothing, because now people are afraid of her...like she was scared they would be. 

It…

Is it because I…hate my job? Is that the truth? The real reason I’m doing this? Quistis thinks she can predict me, but every time she tries to explain why I do things she misses the mark. It’s always the same. She knows how I act, but not what I’m thinking. 

Why does she seem so angry about it? Her and Edea…but I know why Edea doesn’t approve. It’s not as if Rinoa’s controlling my mind. She wouldn’t want to, even if she could. It scares her too much. 

That courier...I’m used to those birds taking their time, but he was fast. I guess there’s a lot more competition now that radio’s back in play. 

It’s a contract. We’ve got a job at the southeastern edge of the continent. I think I’ll take it. Winhill isn’t too far away. If I can get there in the first place.

There’s a problem. G-Garden’s engines are working, but the ring won’t start. The engineers say we need cranes, huge ones to lift the halo and realign it. We don’t have anything like that, here. It’ll cost a lot more to get them here, and we’re already wasting too much time. 

Everyone’s looking at me, but what I need are suggestions. I’m out of good ideas. 

F.H. engineers finally showed up. They brought some truck that looks like it’s made of spare Garden parts. Kind of interesting. They don’t think the damage is... ‘fatal,’ so they’ll have G-Garden up and mobile in a few days. Strange...they talk about it like it’s a living thing. When I showed them the way it had been stripped down, I thought the lead guy was going to lose it. Never seen someone get so worked up over an engine. 

Rinoa asked how I’d feel if something I’d put years of effort into building was ripped apart like that. Something about the way she said it...I didn’t like it. It felt like a threat. Anyway, you can’t count on the things you build to always be there. Things like this can happen. It’s just life. You put work into something to achieve a goal and hopefully whatever you make is put to good use for a while. That’s all you can hope for. 

Another transmission from Ellone. She wants me to come to Winhill. She wouldn’t say why. But nothing’s wrong, either. What’s this about? And how am I supposed to get there any time soon?

That was...a mistake. I should’ve known she’d take me up on it. But I don’t know what anyone thinks I can do about it. Even if I could, it doesn’t matter. Rinoa’s not part of Garden. As long as she isn’t breaking any rules, it’s not my job to police her. She can have whatever opinions she wants. Not like anyone has to do what she says. 

I know how to lose. Not taking losing personally helps me lose less. I almost wish we’d lost this. What I don’t like is “trying.” 

While you’re still busy trying, every reason you give for not having succeeded yet is an excuse. Until you either fail or pull through, you’re doing everything wrong, and everyone has ideas about how you could’ve succeeded already. I can’t stand it. 

I know she wants to make me feel better, but every time Rinoa says “at least you’re trying,” I want her to tell that to the rest of the administration. See how well it goes over. It’s not her fault, but it’s not helping.