#41269

A lot of things had to happen for me to be the way I am. There were choices I made. Otherwise I’d be...someone else. Some other way, and I’d be miserable. Sometimes it feels like that person’s the real, truer version, and I’m some kind of impostor. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be happy. I can’t possibly have done all those things right. I couldn’t have gotten that lucky. 

But I wake up...and I’m still here. She’s right next to me.

I want to say that stopping was intentional. In a way, it was. I decided not to write anything. I didn’t know why, but...after all that’s happened, it makes a little more sense. 

I’m saying this stuff to myself because I need to see it in writing. That was the reason, it was the purpose of the whole thing. At least, that’s what I used it for. I was writing things here when I should have been talking about them. I was telling a computer things I couldn’t tell my friends. The people...the person I care about the most. I was talking to a wall. 

It would piss me off, but no one tricked me. Not even Dr. Kadowaki. She just gave me an assignment to carry out on my own terms and this is what I did with it. It sickens me, a little. 

My messages read like a list of my faults. It used to be a lot of notices, reminders, assignments. Just things I had to do. Now it’s people I have to be. And I’m not. I’m not this leader. Some hero. There’s no such thing. Everyone wants to believe there is, but it’s not the case. 

I’m just...a kid. I’m a kid like that girl with a broken foot. I’m tripping over everything and getting up like it’s nothing. Doesn’t change the facts. This isn’t working and I think everyone knows it. They just won’t admit it. They want to think there’s someone like them at the top who knows what’s going on so they don’t have to be afraid. They need someone to vent their woes to, someone to believe in. 

Trying something different, on Rinoa’s advice. I’m not going to waste time on figuring out feelings, or whatever. Just tell it like it’s a story. Well, I’m meeting her halfway, I guess. I’m not much of a storyteller, but I can tell you what happened. 

I got stuck with this kid…or he got stuck with me. Mark, about 8 years old. I’ve seen him around enough to know his name, but that’s it. Instructor Aki and Dr. Kadowaki marched him into my office at 10:00. It was awkward as hell. He’d pulled some prank on another kid that ended with her in the infirmary, probably for a while. 

I don’t know why they couldn’t just take him to Cid. He’s still the Headmaster. He should deal with things like this. But since someone got hurt, it has to be my problem. 

I’m supposed to do something about it. I have no idea what. Talk to him, Kadowaki says. Discipline him, Aki says. So they leave him with me. The kid’s in tears. He knows he screwed up. 

That’s enough for me, though. According to Dr. Kadowaki, Mark was the one who brought her patient into the infirmary in the first place. No one asked him to. He’d already taken responsibility for what he’d done, and his review will take a steep hit after the stunt he pulled. So why send him to me? Just to scare him?

He was scared. He thought I’d be so disappointed in him, I’d dismiss him and he’d wind up in a crowded shelter somewhere…or worse. I didn’t realize until he told me that I’d saved him back when we fought Galbadia Garden. Seems like so long ago. I don’t remember doing that, at all. I didn’t say so…I guess he looked up to me for it. Half the reason he was so upset was because he thought his hero wouldn’t like him, anymore. 

I don’t know if it’s any better that his ‘hero’ barely remembered his name. 

None of that erased the fact there was a child in the infirmary with broken bones. It was his fault. We talked about what he could do about that. I made it his job to check on her every day and help Dr. Kadowaki with whatever she needs help with in regards to her patient. It won’t help him in his review, it’s just something he has to do, now. He agreed that was fair. Aki wasn’t happy, but Dr. Kadowaki seemed okay with it.

It was tense, but everything’s fine. Rinoa was right. 

So was I. G-Garden is a shell. They parked it on the other side of Monterosa...at least they put it back where they found it. 

Everything else has been ransacked. The computers are gone, along with any information they had. None of it should work after being removed, but...I don’t know. Galbadia has some pretty sophisticated military programmers at their disposal. And who knows, after Seifer...

No way around it. We have to assume there’s been a security breach, and that Galbadia knows everything we were capable of up until Ultimecia took over. Our technology should be considered compromised. At the very least, we should plan to see Galbadia and anyone who can pay them off for information use that technology against us in the future...maybe including our junctioneering methods. Guardian Forces may not be popular philosophically, but if they can train their grunts to use them, I doubt G-army would have any qualms about it. 

We stayed up last night. That’s why I was late. I don’t know what I feel, but I know what I think.

This whole thing is unnecessary. The only thing she did was fix a problem we had no other solution to.

We took a walk outside today. First time Rinoa’s been out of our room in a couple days. Galbadia Garden is almost ready to head out with us to F.H. for refit. I tried to get her to look at it so she could see what she’d accomplished, but I don’t think she wanted to.

She’s scared no one will trust her, anymore. After the way everyone reacted, I can’t say I blame her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay with her every second of the day, but I know she wants me here.

No one will read this. 

It’s supposed to make me feel safe, but it’s the worst part about it. I guess it did its job...it’s made me realize something. All the things I don’t say are the things I most want others to hear. 

If I say them, it may not matter. I’ll probably be ignored. Someone will point out that I’m being stupid. Maybe I am. I shouldn’t care...I don’t care when someone tells me I’m doing forms wrong or misremembering instructions. I can fix those things. I’d rather have criticism than compliments. I can’t do anything with compliments. 

I can’t do anything with this, if no one listens. I can’t fix how I feel. If no one hears me? That’s worse. It’s what got me here in the first place.