Starry

Like my whole being isn’t just ‘autism’ or ‘adhd’ and no matter how hyperfixated I get on these topics I’m a person outside of this facet of my being. Like who I am isn’t just a disorder or a condition, and I can talk about myself without leaning on these labels. I don’t have to box myself in, I can use it however it fits me, and not use it however it fits me as well.

The right thing, will only ever be what’s good for me (in this very specific context).

It’s not exactly the same, but it’s similar enough that it’s inspiring seeing people go through similar things. Connecting with the exmormon and exchristain communities made me feel so much less alone.

There’s so many more people like me than I thought, going through the same things and coming out on the other side okay.

I’m old enough that I’ve realized I don’t want to live like this, even if I’m pretending. I don’t want to be one of those people who lives a secret double life because they can’t bring themselves to tell their parents. I don’t want to be a liar my whole life, I don’t want to feel like a fraud for the rest of it either.

I’m realizing even though this journey may be painful, there’s light at the other end of the tunnel. I’m not doomed to sit down and shut up for the rest of my life, and I don’t have to kill myself to escape this fate. I can’t keep worrying about what other people will think more than myself and if I survive this life.

I started wondering if I might have ADHD because of a lot of reasons! But one of them is that I’ve been passively suicidal basically my whole life. I haven’t and kinda still don’t want to live into adulthood and spent so much time thinking how do people get to be like 80-something years old, why would I wanna do this for 40 more years. And I didn’t understand for the longest time why I even felt this way- I wasn’t horrible abused, I didn’t have PTSD, I had a multitude of things, art supplies, books. It frustrated me to no end. I struggled with extreme mood swings, my parents had multiple talks with me trying to get the root of why I was so 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 and not like their other children, why I struggled to remember to eat breakfast if at all for the day, why I got explosively mad so quickly, why I frequently near-pissed myself, why I was always getting ready at the last minute to eat.

Sure objectively my life doesn’t seem like a struggle, but I wanted it to end prematurely because I was struggling! I’d starve for hours and deny myself food, not because of any eating disorder but because I didn’t have the motivation to make a 2 minute trip downstairs and make myself something to eat- I’d procrastinate on assignments until I was up at 12:00 am the night before trying to rush to do them. I wouldn’t just hold my piss, I’d frequently forget to piss until I was basically bolting to the bathroom. I’d lay on the bathroom floor for hours trying to will myself to shower until it was long past my bedtime. I could never keep a consistent sleep schedule no matter how serious I was. My mood swung so dramatically that I’d genuinely wake up some mornings ready to give in, wishing I had died in my sleep, fantasizing about what time would be best to end it, how I would do it. I’d walk across the side of the street and have to fight the urge to throw myself in front of a car.

My two cents: Some fairytales it doesn’t matter literally at all what race the character is, like in the little mermaid. Ariel is literally a mermaid, a made up creature, so I don’t think it’s problematic or even that it matters at all that they casted her with a black actress.

Snow White, it’s iffy, but it’s not really the actor’s fault so I don’t think people should like hate her for it but a big thing about Snow White was that paleness=beauty, which I’m not about to defend, but like I think it’d be a lot better to make a new movie to diversify the cast, rather than trying to shove inclusion where it doesn’t fit. Also making animated films into live action just has an inherently lazy quality about it so trying to get diversity brownie points seems even lazier.

I feel like my logic can be extrapolated to lilo and stitch but I’m gonna say it anyway: Bad.

I might also be biased with the little mermaid because I’m in love with all things mermaid and love Ariel and watched the new movie immediately because I love the little mermaid, maybe my opinion would change if I watched Snow White but I don’t have a strong desire to.

To restate my point: I think race changing for live actions is more nuanced than “blackwashing is always okay because of diversity and whitewashing is erasing diversity”

Brings harsh cold suffering. It brings pain, death, and starvation.

Fields of white stained harsh red with the color of death. Flecks of snow rain from the clouds. Thin figures suffer in the endless blanket of white, dying a cold and cruel death.

But despite all the pain and suffering winter brings it also brings beautiful patterns of snowflakes to enjoy for about a second before they melt off of your fingers.

Winter brings balls of snow built into a sturdy man of snow with two button eyes. Summer brings enjoyable snowball fights, snow angels, and happiness.

The dark red liquid flows like a thin stream from the lifeless body of the cat, it's limp tail lay atop it's frail body, it's back leg twisted in an unnatural position

The moist whiskers of the cat bent and bowed to the ground like the wilting flowers, the cat's eyes closed and it's mouth slightly open

Crimson red blood stained it's brilliant ginger fur, seeping into the hairs and dying them the color of death

Then the rain started to pour,

The sky wept for the death of that cat, the clear rainwater mixed with the Blood, the water turning a dark red as it washed over the lifeless cat

Bright and Dazzling

A ever-growing force that draws the eye with it's dance of destruction,

The heartache it causes as screams fill the night, deathly cries of pain and agony and suffering cut through the air like a blade, the fire stuttering

The cries continue as the flames spread and dance, brightening the world with it's light, continuing to consume

Until there is nothing

The flame sputters and dies with a fleeting spark of heat, heat that caused so much agony,