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i need to get this off my chest because i've been doing this for 3 years and no one in my life knows

every saturday and sunday i put on nice clothes and go to open houses. i act like a normal potential buyer. i nod at the kitchen. i say things like "oh great natural light" and "is this the original hardwood?" and the realtors eat it up

but i'm not there for the house. i'm there for the toilets

at some point during every visit i excuse myself to check the bathroom and then i flush stuff. it started small like a big wad of toilet paper then i got curious. now i bring things with me. golf balls, a small bar of soap, a whole tangerine once. one time i flushed an entire stick of butter just to see (it went down smooth actually vv impressive)

i have a spreadsheet: 200+ toilets tested. i track the address, toilet brand if i can tell, what i flushed, how it handled it (scale of 1-10), and notes. some toilets are warriors. some are weak. the data is fascinating honestly

anyway here's what i've learned:

GOD TIER (9-10):

Toto Drake - this thing is a beast. flushed a tangerine no hesitation. i've never seen one clog. if you're buying a house with a toto you're set for life

Kohler Highline - ate a golf ball like it was nothing. strong flush, no drama. the honda civic of toilets. reliable af

American Standard Champion 4 - they claim it can flush a bucket of golf balls and honestly i believe it. tested 11 of these. no failures

SOLID (7-8):

Kohler Cimarron - handles most things but hesitates on bulk. wouldn't trust it with anything adventurous but fine for normal use

Delta Foundations - surprisingly strong for a budget toilet. flushed a bar of soap clean. respect

Gerber Viper - underrated. found these in older homes. they fight for their life but they get it done

MID (5-6):

Glacier Bay (Home Depot brand) - you get what you pay for. fine for toilet paper. anything else is a gamble

Briggs - clogged on a large wad of TP. embarrassing. wouldn't trust it

Penguin brand - the name should tell you everything. weak flush. no confidence

AVOID (1-4):

Mansfield - i've tested 8 of these. 5 clogged. the worst toilet i've encountered. if you're touring a house and see a mansfield, walk out

Eljer - clogged on soap. SOAP. how does that even happen

Random off-brand contractor toilets - if you can't identify the brand it's probably because they're hiding it from you. red flag

i'm not even looking to buy. i rent a studio. i just like knowing. like if i ever DO buy i'll know which neighborhoods have good water pressure. that feels valuable to me

one time i went to this one house in the nice part of town. $1.2 million listing. beautiful place. i was confident. too confident maybe. i brought a russet potato because i wanted to see what a luxury toilet could handle

i'm in the master bath. huge toilet. looked expensive. i drop the potato and flush. it doesn't go down. i flush again. water starts rising. i'm watching my life flash before my eyes

i hear the realtor say "sir is everything okay in there?" and i panicked and said "yeah just washing my hands very thoroughly. covid habits haha" while i'm watching this potato spin in rising water

i did the only thing i could think of. i rolled up my sleeve. i reached in. i grabbed the potato. i shoved it in my jacket pocket. a wet warm potato in my pocket. flushed again. water went down

walked out with the most normal face i could manage. shook the realtor's hand with my non-potato hand. said "beautiful home, i'll be in touch" and walked straight to my car. i sat there for 10 minutes just staring at the steering wheel

i threw the jacket away. couldn't look at it anymore. that was my lowest point. i took a two week break after that

anyway the toilet was a Duravit. going in my "AVOID" tier. $1.2 million house and the toilet can't handle a russet potato. embarrassing

my friends think i go hiking on weekends. i don't correct them. this is my hiking

/end ID.]