Warnings: death, depression, character death, implied self harm, suicide, gore, blood, cursing, the most heart wrenching angst I could think of so read at your own risk
All he could do was scream, scream the name of the person he loved most in the world, the name that had changed his life, the name that had kept him alive. And so he did.
His breath came in ragged gasps, his legs ached, and yet he continued running, ignoring the flames that continued to grow out of the toppling buildings around him.
He sped around the corner of what was once a busy intersection, only to be met with the worst sight possible. Maroon symbols covered Chuuya’s arms and face, and his eyes were blank, but he wasn't fighting, in fact he wasn't moving at all.
“Chuuya!!” Dazai cried, rushing over to the boy's body as it twitched and writhed on the concrete. “Chuuya.”
Dazai’s heart beat violently as he knelt down and took one of the hands he had carefully committed to memory, every scar, every crease, in his own. The markings faded away from the touch, leaving only trails of crimson blood to decorate his pale skin.
“Dazai?” Chuuya said weakly, his voice breaking as if he was about to cry. “You…you made it?”
“Why?” Dazai asked, lifting Chuuya’s head onto his lap. “Why would you use corruption? When you knew I wouldn't be able to get here in time?” Salty water dripped from dark brown eyes, falling down to land on a face that he had fallen in love with.
Chuuya was silent for a moment, as he stared up at the young mafioso.
“I hate…” He began in a raspy voice, lifting a hand to touch Dazai’s neck. “...these damn bandages.” The sentence took Dazai off guard. He had been expecting something like ‘your stupid face’ or ‘your shitty hair’, something that assured him that the Chuuya he loved was still there, and that everything would be ok. Oh god why did it have to be that?! “I dont want…you to need…them anymore.”
“Fuck!” Dazai sobbed now, cupping Chuuya’s cheek in his hand. “Chibi! This is all my fault!”
“Stop crying…you wuss…or i'll kick your ass.”
Despite himself, Dazai smiled through the streams of tears running uncontrollably down his face. “You're too short to reach it.” He sniffed in a shaky voice.
Chuuya’s face contorted as if about to give a sarcastic retort, but then shifted, as if his attention had been drawn to something completely different.
He hesitated for a second, taken off guard by the use of the name. “Yeah Chibi?”
“Can we…go to the bar tonight?” He asked, as if it was just another day, just an ordinary request. His voice was growing softer, so unlike the Chuuya who was always yelling at the top of his lungs and would never stay still.
Dazai smiled, even though his throat was tightening, holding back his sobs and cries. “Sure, but you're paying.”
“Fine…just…this once.” The words were barely audible as the last syllable slipped past his lips, and the heat of his last breath escaped. The beautiful sapphire eyes Dazai was so fond of, stared blankly up at him, as Chuuya Nakahara’s body went still.
Dazai clenched his teeth, then, as if a cord snapped in his mind, and all the sadness overtook him in a single tidal wave, crushing him all at once with the unbearable pain and grief.
“Chuuya!” He wailed, cradling the boy's body close to his. “Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck! This is all my fault! It should have been me and not you! I should have been able to save you! We can go drinking every night, and I'll pay! I’ll even get you the most expensive hats I can find!” He begged and pleaded, but still no sign of life could be found in the blank expression. “Come and yell at me for playing music too loud, or for calling you short! Just please don't leave me!” He bent down, pressing his forehead to what was once his last lifeline. “Please. I love you.”
“You're gonna make me go bankrupt by the end of the month with all these trips to the bar.” Dazai said, flopping down on the couch in their shared apartment.
“This is just payback for every time you’ve annoyed me.” Chuuya explained, hanging his coat and hat on the rack, then walking over and sitting down right on top of his partner's stomach. He grabbed the remote off the coffee table, ignoring the complaints from the brunette beneath him. “Hmm, I wonder what I should watch.”
“Man, I had no idea our couch was so loud.” He said mockingly.
Dazai suddenly sat up and grabbed the smaller boy by the shoulders, pinning him down below him and assuming his previous spot atop the writhing ball of fury.
“Man, your right Chibi, this couch really is loud!” He said, grinning contentedly.
Chuuya huffed, but after a few moments Dazai felt hands on his back, pulling him closer and warm air on the crook of his neck. He took this as a signal to shift to the side so that Chuuya’s back was pinned up against the pillows behind them. He wrapped his arms around his torso, rubbing circles into the tense muscles beneath the black t-shirt.
“Osamu.” He heard his given name spoken from below his ear, a name Chuuya only used on rare occasions, the first time he said ‘i love you’ for instance.
There was a pause. “Stop trying to kill yourself.”
The words rang out through the empty apartment, reverberating inside of Dazai’s head like an alarm. He was completely surprised by the request, startled into freezing for the briefest moment.
“Awww, does Chibi actually care about me?” He said in a mocking tone, trying to bypass the situation.
“Don't change the subject.” The accuser removed his face from where it had been tucked beneath the accused’s chin, and looked at him with such an expression of concern and love that it made Dazai’s heart skip a beat. A gloved hand came up to cup his cheek. “Please Osamu, promise me you’ll stop trying to commit suicide.”
Blue eyes glittered in the dim lamplight, staring into opposing dark orbs. It was a silent plea, emotions reflected in the surface of a world Dazai was completely void of.
He tilted his head, then leaned forward and captured Chuuya’s lips with his.
“Chuuya?!” Dazai sat up, scanning the dark room around him for any sign of the boy who had been in his arms just seconds ago. The feeling of the kiss still lingered, warm and comforting. He quickly moved to feel the other side of the bed, praying that the boy's slumbering form could be found where it always had been. All his hands touched were the cold sheets that had remained empty, void of the person Dazai most longed for.
Tears began flooding his eyes as he curled up into a ball for the fifth night in a row. He sobbed into his knees, just wishing Chuuya were there to hold him.
Chibi, it's already been a whole week, but my world has crumbled around me without you here.
Why did it have to be that memory? Every night, over and over again, he was reminded of the promise he would do anything to take back.
“Asshole! Stop stealing my hat!”
“Quit laughing, wouldya! I'm still growing!”
“Shut up, if you're sad you're sad, so just tell me and I'll be here for you.”
Old words kept running through his head, old memories, old emotions, only causing shivers to run through his haggard body.
It's like I'm being pulled, day by day, dragged closer and closer to the edge. It's getting so hard to fight back, so hard not to let go. I don't have your power anymore Chibi, don't have the courage and strength you gave me.
“Chuuya, Chuuya, Chuuya, Chuuya.” He whispered his name over and over again, with no real purpose except being close to the only part of him he still had.
“Please Osamu, promise me.”
His feet slipped off the side of the bed.
“Stop hiding things from me, we're partners, so let me help you.”
A cool breeze blew through the barren apartment as double doors were opened.
“I promise, I won't leave, ok? So just cry for as long as you want, I'll be right here.”
A tear dripped from his chin and fell into the black oblivion of night outside the balcony, landing far below on the street.
“Sorry Chibi, looks like we both broke our promises.” Dazai smiled to himself as the railing slipped away, and he was consumed by the darkness.
In an instant, the bandages on his arms and neck unraveled as he fell, and for a moment, he could have sworn he saw a hand reaching past them, held out in a forsaken and final plea.
Don't worry, I'll see you soon…Chibi.
(I wanted to see if I could make myself cry with my own writing...)
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