Lion

My beloved ghost,

While I know you didn't die, I can't help but feeling like you did. One day you decided to walk away from my life without any explanation, and ever since your absence continues to haunt me.

To be honest with you, I don't need an explanation or any sort of closure because I knew we were bound to fail from the very first instant. When I decided that I wanted to take a leap of faith and open myself to love again, I knew exactly what came with it... And yet, I willingly chose to jump off the edge of the cliff and fall to the bottom of the abyss. I was fully aware that your life in every single sense was a hurricane; that the back of your mind was a battleground, constantly under attack by emotional turmoil. But even though I knew all of this, it still hurt.

I keep expecting a text that's never going to be sent. I continue waiting for a call and a conversation that will never take place. I still hope the day comes when you realize that you made a mistake, and I hope it won't be too late. For now, the door is open and you know how to come back to me if you wish to do it. I won't ask for explanations; I won't ask for forgiveness; I won't blame you for doing it.

There's a couple of reasons why your departure hurts so much. For once, the fact that you left was a reminder that maybe love is not in my fate and that maybe there is a prophecy or some sort of superior force that keeps taking every potential lover away from me. And then there's that... "Potential". I didn't get to be in a real relationship with you; we were nothing but another situationship. Yet I saw so much potential in you and I thought we could make it work. But, as usual, I was wrong.

I wonder if you ever think of me. I wonder if my memory haunts your mind just the way yours haunts mine. There's nothing else to say, except that I miss you and that I feel kind of dumb for writing a letter in a language you don't understand, in a place you'll probably never see.

If you ever think of me, please, just give me a sign. That's all I need.

Love,

Dear Ashley,

As a person who lives with bipolar disorder, throughout the years, I've felt lost and misunderstood plenty of times. However, ever since I met you and your art I found a place of comfort where I don't feel lonely. In your music, I've found solace and thanks to it I've got the chance to reinvent myself and see light in my darkest moments.

You've been through hell these couple of years, and thanks to Lucky and Manic I realize that you've been struggling your whole life, just like me and many others. You make me feel seen, and I'm grateful for it. I'm sorry so many people cannot understand that.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm begging you, please don't let those negative comments full of hatred get through you because they don't come from a place of love and kindness. I know it's hard to ignore them, especially when they come from people who say to admire you. But the people who love you understand your struggle.

You are one kind soul, and I appreciate your effort. Making music while struggling with a health issue is something beyond my comprehension because I don't think I would be capable of doing it and certainly the people who've been sending you comments full of hate wouldn't either. Nevertheless you were, because you are a strong woman, as Ashley or as H.

I'll keep patiently waiting for your album release, because I'm really looking forward to it. For now, I'll go listen to lucky and thank the universe for still having such a wonderful human being around who can keep making songs where I can find myself when I feel lost.

I don't know if you'll ever get to read this whole thing, but if you do thanks for keeping your spaces open for interaction, even when there's so many people with a rotted heart.

Signed:

I find myself in the same place where we used to spend time together. But it's different. You're not here anymore; you're gone. You'te not dead yet it still feels like you're never coming back. I don't know when I will be able to see you again, but the future seems uncertain.

It's december 9th, and I'm at our place. I still drink the same kind of beer, what about you? You're in a different place now, I don't know if you still drink the same beer you used to ask for in this bar. On december 13th will be your birthday and I can't help but to feel nostalgic.

I'm sitting here where we last said goodbye, and my mind is overflowing with memories. Memories of a time when I was happier... When I was happy to be fair. "When will you come back?" I wonder. But the answer is uncertain.