Modern Day Edmond Dantès

I promised my firstborn to a witch and really don’t want to make good on the deal

Well you can have them FOR me if it’s that big a deal to you

I don’t think I could get a good price for em on the black market

Fight me Helen

I can’t be a better parent than Angelina Jolie so why even bother

That’s my nindo. My ninja way.

I literally JUST sat down

Recite “The Highway Man” from Over the Garden Wall

Kids? What are those? I don’t understand. What are these youOH GRAVY WHAT IS THAT!?

Oohhh no, I’ve seen Disney movies, I know what happens to mothers

Centipedes? In my vagina?

*Angrily* YOU SEE!? This is just like that episode of Spongebob! *insert the plot of any episode of Spongebob in excruciating detail*

I heard they’re.. you know.. itchy. Like, as soon as you have a kid. Just totally itchy. Everything.

I’m an Aries

Well, we already got an even number so.. *shrug*

I must first capture the Avatar to regain my honor

I’m allergic

That’s just what the communists want!

I’ve been dead for seven years

Santa didn’t bring me one last Christmas, so I guess it’s no meant to be

I’m afraid they’ll have bad taste in memes

It would be unfair to my cat

I’m chaotic neutral

*long farting noise lasting at least 45 seconds*

LL Bean Scraps Legendary Lifetime Guarantee

LL Bean has a legendary guarantee. It’s not a 30-day guarantee or even a guarantee against defects. It’s a lifetime satisfaction guarantee, which literally means exactly what it says. You can return any item, at any time, if you for some reason are not satisfied with it. 

This American Life did a story a while ago about how cheaters, scammers, and straight-up jerks were abusing that guarantee. And it was costing the company serious money. People would return all sorts of things – 40 year-old flannel shirts, dirty bed sheets that didn’t fit the owner’s new bed, broken chairs that fell off a car because the owner failed to secure it. Some people would buy lawn chairs, use them at concerts, and then return them the next day, effectively using the store as a free rental services. Others would scour thrift stores, buy old LL Bean items for pennies, and then haul their load to their local Bean shop for returns. One person in This American Life’s story returned a half-eaten cookie. Which, to be fair, is better than returning the processed remains of that same cookie. 

The company has tried to push back in earnest, such as asking thrift stores to mark the tags on their items, but it’s been mostly useless. The intent of the policy, originally created at the company’s founding in 1912, was to say they stand by their products. But the policy also assumes a sort of good faith on both sides of the transaction – and one side just wasn’t holding up on the deal. 

So, the company announced today that they’re changing it. The new policy states that items can be returned during their first year. Afterwards, they’ll only take returns on items that proved to be defective. And customers need to show the original proof of purchase for any returns or exchanges. This is still one of the best return policies on the market, but it’s a sad end to a legendary one. You can read more about the change at CNBC.

LL Bean May Drop Satisfaction Guarantee

It’s always a few ding dongs that ruin it for everyone. 

Since their founding, LL Bean has had a 100% lifetime satisfaction guarantee. That’s not a one year guarantee or a two year guarantee. Or even a guarantee against defects. It’s a guarantee that you’ll always be satisfied with your purchase, otherwise they’ll refund your money. That’s in current dollars as well, not what you paid in the 1950s or whatever.

In recent times, people have been abusing that policy. NPR had a story last year about how some people would go to their local thrift stores, scoop up piles of LL Bean parkas and shirts, stuff them into trash bags, and return them at LL Bean for a full refund. Others would return things simply because they didn’t need them anymore – not necessarily because they were unsatisfied. Infrequent campers, for example, would return equipment after a trip, treating the company like a free rental store. 

Well, it looks like LL Bean may be dropping their satisfaction guarantee soon. Business Insider reports: 

The Maine-based retailer is considering cutting its famous “100% satisfaction guaranteed” return policy to cut costs amid weak growth.

[…]

“Fraudulent returns have been a problem and we are definitely reviewing our policies, but we have made no decisions,” L.L. Bean spokeswoman Carolyn Beem told the Boston Globe. “We will always stand behind our products.”

The change to the return policy has been under consideration for almost a year, the company says. L.L. Bean considers a return fraudulent when the item was not purchased directly from them, such as from a flea market or thrift store.

Chairman Shawn Gorman, great-grandson of founder L.L. Bean, told the AP that the decision will “weigh heavily” on the family-owned business, but that it’s a necessary step for the company to survive in an increasingly competitive retail environment.

Good job, jerks.