Indifferences

in another universe, i do not find myself second-guessing every single second. in another universe, i am always assured that my friends like me. in another universe i am able to relax around others

ten years ago you were so scared of such different things, but you survived them anyway. the same goes for five years ago and two years ago. everything that has ever felt like a hurdle, you’ve passed through. so be afraid, identify your fears, and then allow yourself to remember that in just a little while, this will be another thing that you have overcome.

I learned at 17 that I’ll always have someone on my side even when I’m wrong. I learned at 19 that the people I wasn’t friends with in high school were the ones missing out. I learned at 20 that my mom and my friends were right about that boy. I learned at 23 that your best friend doesn’t have to be human. I learned at 25 that the person you’d drive six hours to see for one day isn’t just a friend. But of all the things it took me too long to learn- I wish I knew sooner to spend my time with the ones who make things feel easy.

It’s weird to grow up in a family where you know you’re loved but you don’t feel loved. And then later in adulthood you understand how almost impossible it seems to cross that distance and let yourself experience closeness, how otherworldly love feels now and how love feels unbearable at times. You flinch when someone tries to wholeheartedly love you. And over and over you see so clearly how you cannot be loved unless it's from afar and love is mixed with that familiar sensation of distance and coldness.

when Florence Welsh said "What a thing to admit that when someone looks at me with real love I don't like it very much / Kinda makes me feel like I'm being crushed"

when things really hurt you, they make you quiet.

There was a time when what I wanted from you was anything. Literally anything you’d give me- two minutes of your time, a high five, anything. And what I ended up getting was so, so much more. And I’m never going to get over that for the rest of my life because you made me feel so lucky. But now I’ve been trying to figure out what I want from you next and I don’t think it’s anything. And I’ll never forget that you were at one point everything I ever wanted, I’ll seriously never forget that, but I think what I want now is different. So I guess it’s sad but true that we all move on and grow and change and what we want and like is never permanent, whether it be hobbies, careers, clothes, or even people.