Also, I wanted to just state what life personally is like for me living with DID.
its not as fun as people on tik tok make it seem. I dont know when im not fronting. I dont know who is when I'm not. I dont know my alters names or what their "system roles" are.
I dont remember whether we made a post in this or not, but im redoing this with the same metaphor if we have. its a nice metaphor i think.
sometimes im there, sometimes im not. sometimes its like.... its like you're on a road trip. in a tight car with people who you know nothing about but feel like you have known your entire life.
its hard to talk to them. Sometimes the radio is on and you dont talk. sometimes the radio loses signal and the car grows noisy. but its white noise; indistinguishable from each individual that sits amongst you. Everyone sounds like you but at the same time they dont. its like listening to a song thats just barely familiar but youve never heard before. with everything thats said its like you can almost, just barely, hear what's being said. its intelligible at best but you just *know* whats being said. its like a mutual understanding between you and yourself.
when the road gets bumpy, and your head grows heavy, you try not to fall asleep while driving. The signs grow blurry. Your eyes start closing. Its getting hard to look on ahead. The voices grow loud again. so loud that it drowns out the noises of the tires on gravel. The engine becomes muffles. and everything just stops. And just as suddenly as it all happens, you're in the passenger seat.
did you fall asleep at the wheel? did you crash while you were out? are you okay now?
you try to speak but you cant hear your own voice over the radio. you try to look around but its like you cant yake your eyes off the road. you're not the one driving, your hands arent the ones on the wheel, so how is the car still going??
you cant move. you cant move at all and it hurts so bad but at the same time its entirely painless. its like an internal pressure being applied to the outside of your skin. your head hurts just trying ti wrap itself around the situation. you try to tlak you try to move but you really just cant. the car is driving smoothly. the bumps in the road are gone. you feel scared and relieved at the same time; terrified that you have no control but glad that you weren't the one to navigate through the rocky terrain.
the minutes tick. the hours stall on by. you wonder if you're suck in the passenger seat now. While you now trust the person driving, you wonder if you can see them. you wonder if they exist. you wonder.
wondering is existential.
suddenly you're panicking again.
it was all okay. what happened. you trusted the person who took your place but suddenly you want to turn in them. did you invite them into your car or were they there already?? youve forgotten everything that lead up to you being on that rocky road from before. you've forgotten how you got out of the driver's seat to begin with. you wrack your brain trying to remember. you want to rip your head open to remember. did you miss any exits while you were out? when was the last time you ate? how many days has it been since you did anything?? have you even left the care since then?? is the car okay?? you want to just turn your head, turn around and look at your surroundings but you cant. you cant move you can hardly even breathe.
before you know it you're back in the drivers seat. youre in a full fledged panic because you dont remember. at this point you dont even remember panicking. did you ever even leave the drivers seat?? did anything prior even happen at all?? how much did you imagine and how much is real?? what even just happened??
its like an out of body experience. its like being there and being gone at the same time. its dissociation after depersonalization. you question who you are if you dont remember what you've done. its snapping back into reality without knowing you spaced out to begin with.
Dissociation is dangerous. Unfortunately, I've gotten into a lot of shit via dissociation. ive crashed my car before and not even known i was driving. ive ran red lights. ive cut people off. ive lost all sense of direction before. i just completely dissociate and i dont remember. its always sporadically. i never have control over it. ive turned to certain drugs in hopes it will help me focus. anything to just stop dissociating. anything at all. im scared one day this dissociation followed by near entire amnesia will cure itself
that type of mental stability is not one id wish on anyone. i dont know why you all want it so bad
