hey, babe

my ex fiance died on valentine's day february 14th of an overdose.

he was an addict before we started dating but got sober when he met me as he knew i would't have dated him if he didn't.

he was sober for the whole 4 years that we dated. the relationship still wasn't easy and we had a lot of arguments and eventually i broke it up. he was so scared to be alone and begged me to stay as he was sure he would start using again. that's exactly what happened and it eventually led to his death at 29.

it had been a while since we broke up but i don't think a break up erases all of the love you once had for someone. i took it really badly and blamed myself a lot. he had been sober when he was with me and then he wasn't anymore.

i hadn't been in touch with him for a long time when he died. lived in a different city far away and didn't really hear about him or see him like i did when we still lived in the same city. my brother told me he abused all kinds of drugs and had been in a really bad state for a while. he would take everything all together. it was worse than it ever had been.

i know all the details of how he died and it was a horrible situation that kept somehow playing in my head again and again and i had nightmares about it. basically went to a really dark place.

i dealt with it on my own and spoke to a therapist to deal with all the guilt i had. didn't exactly mean to get off social media but it just happened and when i realized i hadn't been on here for a long time it just felt that much more difficult to come back again.

about my ex. i wish i would have stayed in touch and that i would've been there for him even though we broke up. as he was an addict i do now realize this could have happened either way. my therapist told me they tend to find a reason, good or bad. at this point i'm not exactly blaming myself anymore but i still regret that i didn't do more for him.

to him i would say that i'm sorry. and that i did care from afar. next month would be your 30th birthday and i will be thinking of you.