La.X.Y.

This time, I really don’t want to be used again.

This time, I really wish he actually liked me and he meant all the sweet words he says.

This time, I really want to overcome my trust issue and believe in what I feel.

This time, I really hope he can just stay the way I see him now and not going to disappoint me when I’m at my weakest defense.

While the whole fucking mess with Mr. J is still so vivid and real and extremely hurtful. Here I’m getting myself into the same thing all over again.

DB has come clean with me after the absolutely lovely night I had with him watching the Lion King musical. When we met each other, he just broke up with his ex not too long ago. And the reason why he was homeless and crashing at his brother’s place at the time was because he used to live with his ex and he couldn’t live there any more because she resented him.

The homeless thing, the ex-girlfriend thing, the bad break up thing, none of those actually bothered me. But the funny and ironic part is, I’m being used again the exact same way Mr.J used me. I’m rebound girlfriend they use to get over their failed relationship.

I’m fun to hang out with, I’m chill, I don’t ask for much, I’m a good fuck.

I’m the perfect rebound hook-up/FWB a man who just ended a relationship could ask for.

Today is Thursday.

I met David the first time Sunday night. He stayed over at my place that night. He left my place Monday afternoon, and wanted to come back and see me three hours later.

I work late night on Tuesday so we met again Wednesday night. When he was here last night he asked if he can come over again after work tonight.

It may appear that he really likes me, or really really like spending time with me at least. But I’m freaked. Although I like being with him too.

There must be something wrong with him. EVERYONE HAS PACKAGES.

I have a few theories why he keeps wanting to hang out with me, like all the time although we’ve only met three days ago.

1. He is a sex addict. (but i’m in that monthly several days of bloody hell since yesterday so we couldn’t have sex last night... I only gave him a HB instead)

2. He just ended a recent relationship and desperately need to be with someone right now.

3. He is temporarily living at his brother’s place now while he is house hunting. He must really hate living with him, that he rather stay with a stranger all the time.

4. He has serious issue staying alone. When he wanted to meet me up again couple hours after he left my place on Monday, he said his brother just left their place and he is bored. Maybe he has to be with someone to feel comfortable, even if it’s a girl he just met for less than 24 hr.

5. He is in a long term fight with girlfriend now and doesn’t want to go home and also at the same time to use me to get back at her.

(On some wilder guess...)

6. He is on the run from the police or even FBI or something so he can’t stay at one place all the time that he’s likely to be found.

7. He is in some sort of gang and he is using me as a hide out when he doesn’t want to be bothered.

8. He is a psychopath killer that who sleeps with girls for a while before murder her, which is me in this case...

He never moved on. Because he never was here to begin with. Yet I’m still here mourning the loss of our romance when there wasn’t any romance at all. It was just in my head.

Now I’m really wondering, is it easier to get by if I pretend that he liked me once and actually tried to make it work but just couldn’t, or just accept the fact that

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME?!

One day I’m thinking, what we had was real, and he really had feelings for me, it’s me who screwed it up and didn’t give out the right signal. The other day I’m thinking, if it’s right, no matter what I do he’ll stick around a little longer. If that’s not the case, it simply means, he never liked me, and never intended to make it work.

I know it doesn’t matter anymore now. But it still comforts me a little when I think about that he actually liked me once. And upsets me a little bit that I didn’t mean a shit to him ever. However, I don’t know how I can adjust my thoughts to help me get over him sooner. Either way I can wait for that day to come. Cuz it hurts so much right now.

Megan says it takes half of the time you were together to get over that guy. So I’m looking for 3 and half months. That’s 14 weeks.

Now I’m 1 down, 13 to go.

As much as I want to admit it and write about it on here. Mr. J broke off our relationship and moved on with someone else.

I’ve been avoiding to write it down on here is kinda because I feel like once I put it in words, it’s true and inreverseable. Although I know so well that’s it’s been like this the second he told me he met someone special, from the second he met that special someone. It’s all just myself trying not to face is the way it is.

Now, a week passed and I’m ready to face it with clarity.

I’ve always thought that I have commitment issue. But now I kinda start to think I don’t have issue with commitment itself. I have issue with commitment issue.

I was partly kidding with Mr. J about how I don’t want to let him meet my friend Heidi visiting me from New Jersey because she’s my muse. She’s too pretty for him to meet, it’s risky for me.

Then he started this confess of how he likes out of the blue, and really caught me by surprise. Who am I kidding, I fucking loved it!

But he didn’t forget to end it as “but I have commitment issue, blah blah blah...” Absolutely killed the romance... I composed and deleted several texts to reply to his sweet confess and tell him I liked him so much as well but didn’t end up sending any of them.

Then I started to think, do I really have commitment issue as I always said so when I probably want it badly deep down?

What I might really have is issue with commitment issue itself. I’m terrified of having a fake commitment with people with real commitment issue. Mr. J keeps reminding me of that totally shut me up of any feeling that I want to express. I want to keep it with him no matter what it is. Exclusive, not exclusive. Committed, not committed. I like just the way it is. I can give up commitment like that if he does have issues. Not because I’m afraid of it, or despite it, or disbelieve (maybe a little of all) but the truth is I don’t want to force it on people who really have an issue.

My boss’s daughter just called in the office asking the front desk to transfer her to her mom who wasn’t at her desk at the point.

It made me start to wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t go study and work abroad so far away from home and parents.

I just found the perfect metaphor for my relationship with Mr. J.

To me, he's a leasing car. I'm driving it and testing out whether I like it or not. At the end of the lease, I'll decide whether I want to buy it off or not.

To him, I'm a replacement car the factory gives you when you send your car to the garage for maintenance. You might like the replacement car, the replacement car might work just as fine. But it just doesn't quite feel right. And eventually, he will get his own car back.

According to an unofficial source from a music website -- 

“The song is about Tyler Joseph’s wife, Jenna Black, and how he let her in to his emotional side.

So far, “Tear In My Heart” is the only song from this album not to feature Blurryface. This could mean that Jenna protects him from Blurryface, who is a character representing his fear and anxieties.”

While listening to the song and reading the background information, I burst into tears in the office. I couldn’t help.

I’ve always found it extremely hard to understand how people can be in a relationship for reasons other than absolutely madly in love with each other, and found each other so special and irreplaceable.

For instance, Miranda is dating her boyfriend now, not because he’s her perfect match. To me, the only thing they have in common or the motivation of being together is because they both want marriage so bad and want to settle down with someone who share the same life goal as soon as possible. Her boyfriend said “I love you” three weeks after they met each other... Trust me, it’s not the magically-love-at-first-sight or finally-found-the-right-person kind of love. She didn’t have feelings for him but gives in quickly because he is nice to her.

But I’ve always wanted someone would see me as Tyler Joseph sees Jenna Black.

I refuse to settle down with someone who simply likes me and treats me nicely. I’m stubborn and hopelessly waiting to find the one who opens his heart because of me, the one who finds his emotional satisfaction from me and only me. And I’m also wanting someone could do the same to me. Someone who makes me willingly open up to, who gives me security that I don’t have, convinces me of love that I don’t believe in, whom I have sparkle of romance and passion with.