Stephanie, on the verge of tears, reluctantly signing up for her McGraw-Hill: Fuck… I can’t believe I have to pay over $100 to do my homework
Bruce, setting down a cup of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and pressing a kiss to her forehead: I have to pay over $100 for you to do homework, gumdrop
Dick: *Blah blah something something mad at Bruce*
Bruce: Okay, birdie, stop holding my hand then
Dick, practically glued to Bruce’s side and would've his Dad carry him if he didn’t know Bruce was hiding a sprained ankle: …
Dick: Shut the fuck up, you sack of shit. Listen here motherfucker-
Bruce, going over a new case with Tim: She’s not in the picture? Did the mother run away, or is she dead?
Tim, half paying attention: I think she died or ran away.
Bruce: Thank you, baby, that was so unhelpful
Selina, at a fancy diner with Bruce: …?
Bruce: *sigh* When I told him we had a date, he insisted on coming along so he could see your cats afterwards
Selina, grinning: That’s adorable.
Damian, happily eating food off the kids' menu: Baba, can I taste your food too?
Jason, being dramatic: You don’t even love me!
Bruce: Because I won’t let you eat chickpeas? That’s why I don’t love you?
Bruce: Darling, you’re allergic to chickpeas
Jason, even more dramatic: It’s only a mild allergy! Let me live!
Bruce, exasperated: Believe me, I’m trying
Lois, holding up a large box full of things: Presents for you and your brood
Bruce, looking at the handwritten tag: “For assorted Wayne’s”? You don’t know how many kids I have?
Lois: Do you know how many kids you have?
Bruce: … thank you for the gifts
Duke, snuggled up with Bruce and watching TV: This is bad… like, really bad
Bruce: We don’t have to continue watching it, sunshine
Duke: No, this is my allotted Bruce time, and we’re gonna watch trash TV
Bruce, watching Cass put a tutu on his service dog: …
Cass: Ace likes it. Give us a twirl, Ace
Ace, somehow, looking like he’s dissociating: Ruff… *slowly turns once*
Cass: Alfred the cat scratched me, and Damian is hiding Titus away… it was either him or the turkey
Bruce: You don’t have one big enough for Batcow, Princess?
Alfred: You wouldn’t happen to know where my sandwich went, would you, Master Bruce?
Bruce, in the middle of taking a bite from said sandwich: No…
Selina: Can’t. Stealing things
Selina: And I’m on the opposite side of the city
Bruce: *sends a sexy picture of himself in lingerie*
Selina: IM ON MY FUCKING WAY. DONT MOVE
Selina: OPEN YOUR WINDOW!!
Tim: It’s quiet. What’s going on?
Bruce, sipping coffee: Lois took the girls on a girls' shopping spree. Dick went with them to ‘keep an eye on them,’ but we both know he just wants to shop as well
Tim: Wtf? I wanna go… I’m going to my room to sulk
Bruce: I’m sure you could find their location and join them, sweetheart
Tim: No, it’s the principle of the matter
Bruce, scruffing Damian: Stop it
Damian, struggling but making no progress: He needs help! I’m the one to help him!
Bruce: That is a raccoon eating from the trash, honey
Bruce: I think it’s foaming at the mouth. I’m calling animal control
Damian, making grabby hands: Come to me my child!
Jason, raiding Bruce’s closet: Can I have this? *holds up a leather jacket*
Bruce: No, I just bought that. You already have most of my hoodies
Duke: Ooo, can I have this? *holds up the same leather jacket*
Bruce: What did I just say to your brother? You literally have half of my sweater collection
Jason: The lining is so warm and soft
Duke: And it smells really good!
Bruce: Give me my jacket you little theives
Bruce: I’ve got a mission off world so you won’t be able to contact me for a while
Dick: I wanted to hang with you
Bruce: You told me you weren’t coming over to the Manor this week?
Dick: Yeah but now that I know you’re not gonna be here I wanna hang
Bruce: We can hang out when I come back, love
Dick: Nah, I won’t want to anymore
Alfred, sighing: Here *pushes tea toward him*
Bruce: Hmm, thank you *takes a few sips before pushing it back*
Alfred: I could just make you your own cup, Sir
Bruce: It doesn’t taste as good if it isn’t yours specifically
Alfred: You’re just like your children
Bruce, genuine: I have no idea what you mean
Stephanie: How many laxatives can you give someone before it’s too much?
Bruce: Depends on how much you hate them
Stephanie: That’s… very helpful. I’ll keep it in mind
Bruce: Please don’t kill anyone by making them shit out their guts. I don’t know how we’d twist that for the media
Lois: I hate living on a reporter’s salary
Bruce, desperate: Please let me give you money
Lois: You know the answer to that
Bruce, sad: Yeah… *already making plans for everyone in the company to get a raise*
Duke: Ughh… my tummy… it hurts
Dick: Sounds like food poisoning
Bruce: Could be the skittles you ate off the ground
Duke: Couldn’t be, skittles would never betray me like that
Bruce: You dropped them in the driveway. I’m pretty sure I saw you eat some gravel
Duke: Erghhh… my tum tum…
Jason: So you decided to jump in the fountain and swim around to get out of the conversation?
Bruce, soaking wet: You can’t shame me, every thing I do is while I’m sober. You wish you had this confidence
Jason, know Bruce is the concept of anxiety forced into human form: Alright pa…
Bruce: I saw you and Damian cuddling
Bruce: I saw it all and I took pictures, the two of you are adorable
Tim: You can’t tell anyone! We’re supposed to be antagonistic!
Bruce: Ace keeps alerting me but I feel fine. What should I do?
Jason: Sit the fuck down papa
Tim: Get out of public, sit down, and drink some water
Bruce: I’m starting to feel icky now, my leg gave out, and I think I’m seeing things
Cass: Did you bring your meds?
Steph: This is B we’re talking about
Duke: I’m gonna come find you and sit with you, okay?
Alfred: I’m already starting the car
Damian: I am coming along. Baba, hold on
Steph: Cass and I are getting med bay ready
Jason: You better get ready to be coddled pa
Bruce: Someone saw my stretch marks and thought they were elf harm scars. I’m so embarrassed
Alfred: Master Bruce, it’s alright
Bruce: I guess. Glad they didn’t see my actual self harm scars lol
Bruce: Sorry. No jokes about self harm, I forgot. You’re lucky it wasn’t a joke about my suicide attempts
Alfred, even sterner: Bruce
Steph: I actually hate how good at makeup you are
Bruce, doing a smokey eye on Cass: I’m good at a lot of things
Bruce: I like to look pretty and I have to cover up my self harm scars lol
Alfred, from around the corner: Bruce
Bruce, head in Selina’s lap with Alfred the cat on his chest: …
Selina, gently scratching his scalp with her nails and watching as his brain turns off: …
Alfred the cat, asleep and giving Bruce healing purrs: …
Dick, wearing a new jacket and giving Bruce a fashion show: So?
Bruce: Huh, this one actually looks nice
Dick: Thank you, thank you-
Titus, walking in and b-lining to Dick: Boof! *starts cobbing on his jacket*
Dick: Man, can I help you?! There's drool everywhere!
Bruce: Don’t be mean, he loves you
Tim: Daddy-o, we want froyo
Bruce: Okay? Do you want to take one of my cars?
Damian: Timmothy is too lazy to drive, you must take us
Bruce, already grabbing his keys: What am I, just a chauffeur to you?
Dick: Please tell Selina to stop touching your ass in front of us
Bruce: I can’t help what my mama gave me
Jason: I’m gonna go drown myself in the pool
Dick: Everything alright? Do you need help?
Tim: Made Dad do a TikTok
Tim: The one that has the song So Far So Fake by Pierce The Veil
Damian: What does that mean?
Tim: And white whyne. He was too good at both of them
Tim: For some reason it didn’t occur to me that having him shake his ass on the internet would have repercussions
Steph: Scrub the internet. Now
Bruce: What is a DILF? And why do people want to see me 'bounce it'?
Bruce: You know I have complicated emotions about hot fruit
Bruce, surrounded by his kids: … I could’ve sworn I only went to bed with Selina last night
Damian: It started raining Baba
Tim: I thought this was my room
Steph: I wanted to take blackmail photos
Jason: I was forced to be here
Duke: I don’t like being left out
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