Ok but the Addams Family AU is literally my only Bartimaeus AU without Bartimaeus himself in there, mostly bc the entire house looks like his personal hell for multiple reasons. Mostly the family members.
Ok m'dudes youāre gonna hear me blabbing about it now bc I canāt contain myself.
So Nat gets taken in as an apprentice after AoS, with Kitty following behind one year later after the Resistanceās failure. (Pre-GE tho.) They end up growing up as siblings who sometimes bicker and try to take each other out.
Faquarl is the family chef. Donāt ask whatās in todayās stew or why Julius Tallow didnāt come into work today. These things are almost certainly not related. Heās besties with Kitty and is still in denial about how much he likes her. He does hate Nat tho bc heās a smarmy little shit and a bit too much like the human one of his masters.
Jabor is the family dog/werewolf and the main reason why the mailmen/messenger imps avoid their house like the goddamn plague. Really likes Kitty and allows her to give him ear scritches. Helps her get rid of the bodies of the politicians she took down. Huge fondness for squeaky toys and still-living prey.
Honorius is the skeletal butler/cleaner/jack of all trades. More than a little unhinged but alright unless you mention golems. That kiiinda sets him off on a rampage.
And y'all know me too well to ask whoās the Morticia and Gomez figures I mean come on.
Real talk tho: the idea of Khaba tutoring Nathaniel and affecting his growth/personality is SO appealing to me bc John Mandrake would end up a fucking delight of a monster. Also the universe would probably implode from their combined disaster goth twunk energy but tbhhhh itād be worth it.
Kitty isnāt too big on this whole torture thing, preferring to keep things quick and quiet, so she mostly hangs out either with Ammet when heās not busy skulking around the house like the gay cryptid he is and creeping the fuck out of people, or chilling in the basement/workshop and casually munching on a still beating human heart; or, most often, she prefers the company of Jabor and Faquarl (knivesssss and also overthrowing the government. Also also cookies.)
Iāve been toying with putting Balkis as a such and such removed aunt with a small harem of hot assassin gals who take out ppl for her and bring their looted treasure as gifts. Asmira might be there too, not really happy about it. It goes without saying that sheād get on with Kitty and Faquarl because knives and overthrowing ppl hell yeah. She hates the rest of the family tho but like can you blame her?
Solomon probably isnāt gonna be there, though heās gonna be mentioned as the reason why Shadowfucker and Balkis are on less than friendly terms nowadays: they both wanted to take down the same dude at the same time. Mlm/wlw rivalry.
Ptol might not be there either bc heās too pure for this fuckup of an au.
Again, Bart wouldnāt last longer than a snowflake in a volcano.
So yeah. The working title is ādonāt torture yourself, thatās my jobā because of course it is even though Ammet would probably be killed upon impact by the sheer power of that statement if Khaba ever uttered it in his presence. GOD I miss writing these two. Once Iām done with this Venom oneshot and my Bart fic exchange assignment, itās over for you hoes.
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