sipping on fiction

As he was about to leave, someone nudged him on the back. He turned around, seeing about how it’s the same brunette girl whose hair had pink highlight; the one he had seen a couple of times before. 

“Hey, I was wondering if you had any lighters? My friends were kind of running out,” She said, giggling. 

“No, sorry.” He replied, watching over her as if wondering whether she’d been drinking before. From the looks of it, she probably was. 

“Oh, that’s such a shame,” She said. “you going somewhere? Because if not, maybe we can all hang out together and get that lighter.”

“Actually, I am,” He said, frowning. He had no idea as to why the girl was offering to go out but one of her friends rose from their seat and pulled her away. 

“Sorry about her, she’s always like this when she’s drunk. Have a nice day though.” 

He formed a small smile to the friend and walked away into his car. Putting the coffee on the container as he started the engine before driving away. He had plans with Arielle tonight and now he was definitely going to be late, which would suck because he knew how much being punctual meant to her. 

As he was driving down the road, all that he thought about was the girl from the coffee shop. He felt guilty because he had a girlfriend and shouldn’t really be thinking of anyone else but her. But there was just something that caught his attention, making him unable to pull away. Like a spark. 

He didn’t realize that he just pulled up into the building’s parking lot until the sight came into his vision. Sighing, he unbuckled his seatbelt and took the coffee with him then dashed out of the car. He walked into the building where Arielle lived, making his way straight to the elevator because he knew she lived on the ninth floor. 

It wasn’t long until he reached the floor so he stepped out of the elevator, into the hallways. There were girls looking his way as he walked by; they were all playing some kind of game that included one of them standing upside down against the wall. Then he remembered that it was Saturday night. 

He knocked on the door of Arielle’s room, except he didn’t hear footsteps walking towards the door to open it, but a voice from inside. 

“Who is it?” 

He chuckled, he knew his girlfriend pretty well and her lazy habit at times. “It’s me, Aiden.” 

“Oh, come in. The door’s not locked.” She shouted. 

So he did just that, turning the knob, revealing it open. He saw her sprawling across the bed, with her face facing down on the sheet. Putting the coffee on the bedside table nearby, he went and sat on the bed next to her. 

“What are you doing?” He asked. 

“Shifting realities,” She replied, without even looking up at him. 

“What now?” He furrowed his brows, dumbfounded. 

She sighed, glancing up to throw him a glare. “You haven’t heard of shifting realities? Well, you know how we actually live in a multi-dimensional world and how fictional world is actually real that we can switch whenever we want to?” 

He shrugged. 

Groaning, she sat right up. “Well, we can. Actually I don’t know if it’s going to work, but I’ve seen people online doing it and one of them said that they made out with Chad Michael Murray.” She explained. 

“So who were you trying to shift with?” 

Suddenly, her cheeks flushed. She looked down, embarrassed. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. So what’s up?” She asked. 

“Well, I was actually going to take you out, but what you’re doing right now seems really interesting,” He began. “maybe we should just do that instead.” He added. 

“You want to try shifting?” 

“I mean, if the whole point was to make out with someone, you know I’m right here.. Right?” He asked.

A pillow flew across his face, as she scowled. “Oh you got coffee,” She looked over at the cups by the bedside table, then got up from the bed to pick one up. Taking a sip, she walked over to the small fridge and took out leftover Chinese takeout that she ordered the night before. “God, I’m so hungry but I’ve only had these. Hope you don’t mind cold Chinese.” 

“I don’t,” He said, grabbing one of the meal and taking a bite. 

He watched her turning on her laptop and searching for something on the bed. The screen played a movie as she grabbed another plate then scooted closer next to him on the bed. 

“It’s always good to eat while we watch something,” She muttered. 

“Yeah, it definitely is. So you don’t want to go out on this Saturday night?” He asked. 

She shrugged. “Nah, I think I’m good just being here, as long as I’m with you.” She glanced up at him, her eyes lighted up as if  she adored him that much. 

The girl blushed and took the rose in hand. "Aren't you the sweetest thing," She remarked, her heart plummeting. Not only was that the first time someone said and made her feel like she was worthy of something, but the moment after that honestly topped everything else. She leaned her face closer to him as he did the same, in a quick moment, their lips met and landed on each other. It went on like that for a while until one of them decided that it was time to go and the other obliged, holding the gift of a rose to her chest.

As soon as Emma came back to her room after yet another date (that actually turned into something else) with Wesley, the first thing she did was bring up a vase that she found from digging out some stuff in the garage that later on she used to put in the rose that she had just gotten from him to showcase in her room. Not only as a reminder that it was the first ever flower she'd ever gotten from a guy, but it was the thought that made her feel all her insides jumping up and down - most importantly, how a simple act of flower-giving could easily form a smile on her face each time she looked at it. Especially when it was given after they had their first time together after a few several dates beforehand.

After that was all over and done with, she fell onto the bed and started to be on her phone. Messages from her friends came through, all asking the same thing; how was the date? She gave the rightfully final report as it was a duty of friends doing that to each other, then the group chats started piling up all being happy and jealous for her. She smiled at the reaction though she was expecting it as they were all friends with the guy she went out with as well. However, it was still nice that they decided to ask her about the whole thing, rather than going to him in spite of only being friends with them just recently. Specifically, not long ago before she and Wesley decided to make it official.

The next day at school, her friends were cornering her in class the moment she walked right into it. Despite having told everything the night before, obviously her friends would still want to hear details on a much personal level. She decided to sit in the back of the room with her friends surrounding her, telling all that she needed to spill but couldn't do to the limitation of a group chat. Not that she wasn't able to, but talking face to face just seemed more intimate to her.

She broke away from the conversation as soon as her eyes spotted the one guy walking into class, as soon as their eyes met from across the room, he made his way towards her with his bag slumped on one shoulder. Her friends left her on her own and made room for just the two of them. "Morning, beautiful," He greeted, leaving a peak on her cheek, sitting himself down on her table.

Her cheeks reddened as she looked away, replying, "Hey, you," She played with the tip his jacket, an attempt to not sound or look ridiculed.

"You know, I could've just given you a ride this morning," He declared. Shortly, she had always taken the bus like the rest of the students who went there for like a long time, and he might or might not suggest the idea beforehand, but something inside of her just refused to give in to the temptation of riding to school with him. Even though the other part of her, mostly teenage hormones induced, really wanted to.

She smiled in return, "Maybe next time." She said along with a smirk afterwards.

"Wes, there's a party at Hilary's house tonight. You want to come?" One of her friends, the one with large black curls but astonishing looks, suddenly chimed in.

"Oh yeah, totally forgot about all that," Wesley answered, then he turned back to her. "Want to come together?" He asked.

The invitation was tempting and she almost said yes, however, she remembered that her parents would not be willing to let her go to parties. Yeah, they were strict like that. "I don't know, I mean, you know my parents," She sighed.

"Don't worry about that, babe," Rena, the girl who reminded Wes of the party earlier, said once more. "Come over to my place after school and tell your parents that we'll be studying all night. Then Wes can pick us up there," She suggested.

It sounded like plan but Emma, being the overthinker that she was, obviously had to play it in her mind for a while before landing on a decision. "I'll have to think about it." She announced.

"Alright, you have until school's over today," Rena and the rest of her other friends stood up from the seats, turning to Wesley. "Please try to convince her and tell her that she needs to live a little." She remarked before departing from Emma's table.

Emma chuckled and shook her head, shouting her answer even though she knew Rena was no longer able to hear. "Hey, I'm right here!" She defended herself.

It was Wesley's turn to let out a laugh and finally took a seat of his own as soon as he heard voices behind him that came from the teacher who just appeared. "Then come, I'll make it worth your while?" He pleaded, even using that puppy dog face that no one could resist. Even her.

She didn't have much time to respond and only left him with a slight smile because the teacher had just begun to silence us all and start teaching. Her attention was now on the board after pulling out her notebook to start taking notes just so she'd look busy. Having been in the class for so long, she knew that the only way to avoid being picked out by the teacher to answer questions was to put your head down and start writing. Even if it was all just a bunch of lyrics form her favorite artist because her mind was not in class. She was indeed imagining herself lying to her parents about studying at a friend's while she was actually going to a party.

Out in the hallway as Emma was putting books in her locker,  Wesley appeared out of nowhere and wrapped his arms around her while planting kisses all over her neck. She turned around and looked him over, "What's up?" She asked.

He smirked before answering and had his arms reached out on the lockers, practically locking her in his embrace. "Just wanted to know if you have found an answer yet," He stated.

She shrugged, pausing for an answer intentionally as she liked watching him squirm. "The answer you're looking for," She looked deep into his eyes, practically gazing. "is maybe." She smiled.

"Maybe? Come on, that was your answer this morning, I need a definite one," He persisted.

"Well, you're just going to have to wait and see," She said, dismissing him altogether by walking out of the barricade that he made.

When the school was over and she finally walked out of there with ease after being stuck for far too long, however, as she was about to step in to the bus, her friends showed up yet again. She completely forgot that they were probably waiting for her answer regarding the party. As she told them the answer, they all just shook their heads disapprovingly and let her go to the bus. She chose to sit by the window to watch all the sights that the bus drove by.

Lying on her bed at night while staring at her phone, debating whether or not it was a good idea for her to stay in. Now that her assignment for the day was over with, she realized she had nothing else to do. She thought over the party that was supposedly going on at the moment and decided to get off the bed then tried to find something to wear in her closet. She stood before the mirror as she was ready enough and had yet another scenario regarding how was she supposed to get to the party?

Enough episodes of thinking later, she decided to sneak out but obviously not from the window as it was impossible to do so. She waited until a little later at night 'cause she knew her parents would be sleeping by then and tiptoed very slowly towards the front door, out of the house at last.

Half an hour later, the cab she was taking to get to her destination finally made it. Approaching Hilary's house, where the party was supposedly held at, she paid the cab driver and walked out of the car. With both of her hands inside the pocket of the jacket that she wore over the knee-length dress along with tights underneath, she looked straight ahead and walked into the house. She definitely wasn't into the party scene.

She let herself in as the front door was revealed open with people coming in and out freely, holding plastic cups filled with whatever drinks that the hostess served tonight, walking or more like clinging into their friends for support due to having too much to drink that they were unable to stand up on their own. Music was blasting throughout the place and she walked around not knowing what exactly that she looked for.

Someone who was pretty sure she knew from one of her classes, greeted her and blatantly put their arm around her uninvited, they also handed her a drink that she had to take just because the person probably was too intoxicated to even have a normal conversation.

However, the person did say something though, "You're Wesley's girl, right?" He asked.

Not really getting the best impression of the guy, she answered with just a nod. But she realized that wasn't a good idea considering the guy was wasted. "Yeah," She corrected.

The guy was impressed for something she had no idea about and suddenly between the many people surrounding and practically shoving them right against the wall, he smirked. "That's nice. Listen, you want to find a room so we can be alone together?" He suggested.

Hearing the sentence that just came out of the stranger's  mouth blatantly like that completely threw her off guard and made her want to throw up right in an instant. "Excuse me?" She said, making sure that she heard the guy right. Or a way to politely say that the idea was ridiculous and he should really consider restating his offer.

"Come on, it'd be fun," He tried to convince her and then without an invitation, he leaned in closer to try kissing her neck as she could feel the alcohol breath coming out of his mouth. She pulled away from him immediately but when he wouldn't budge and go even further, she was outraged and shoved him on the floor. Too bad, not even the people around her cared enough to pay attention what was done to her and carried on with whatever it was they were doing.

The guy grunted annoyingly and stood up, or trying to. And then he glared at her, about to go off at her suddenly even though it should be her in that place. "What the fuck?" He shouted.

"You were the one who came onto me even after you found out that I was someone's girlfriend!" She shouted back, but not so loud that everyone around her could eavesdrop. Pretty sure the odds of that happening were slim from her brief observation earlier.

He scoffed, "Oh, don't give me that. You know, your boyfriend practically flirt with everyone here tonight. Oh wait, guess you didn't know that since you're such a prude princess," That was the last threat he said to her before walking away from her not even giving her some kind of explanation to what he was saying.

She was taken back by the newfound information that she decided to find a quiet place to think and before she knew it her feet her led to a room right below the stairs where the only lights turned on were from the string of lights decorated on the wall. Yet, it was bright enough for her to notice the one person she looked for, well, it was also because the fact that it was a very small-spaced room. For that reason, she was also needed to duck before she could finally step in.

"Emma? You showed up," Wesley immediately approached her and took her by the hand to walk her towards the center of the room. "I can't believe you showed up. How long have you been here?" He asked.

"Not too long, I guess," Emma answered, still holding the plastic cup in her hand but had no intention to drink from it. She was too smart to take a sip out of a stranger's cup, who knows what kind of poison they mixed in it.

"How did you get here?" Curiosity washed over Wesley's face, showing a sign of wary that there must be something wrong if his girlfriend who wasn't known to come to parties, just decided to show up out of nowhere.

"Cabs do exist, you know," Emma replied, shortly. She looked around the room and quickly noticed that the only person she knew out of all these people was Wesley. Where were all her friends?

"You could've texted me, you know," Wesley scratched the back of his neck, pausing, "I would've picked you up."

Emma shrugged, debating whether or not she should bring up the information given to her earlier. However, she decided it'd be best if she didn't take some drunken guy word over her own boyfriend, especially when she knew that Wesley had been nothing but sweet to her. "Where is everyone?" She changed the subject instead.

Furrowing his brows, Wesley replied, "I have no idea. They must be around here somewhere," He declared. "Do you want to go and find them?" He offered.

Honestly that'd be the rational answer, but for some reason she'd rather stay there with him. "You know what, I'd rather just stay here," She replied, about to finally take a sip of the drink that she had been clutching but was stopped by him.

"Where did you get that?" He questioned.

"Some guy gave it to me." It took everything in her to gulp down the feeling of nausea in her throat - bound to give out any moment now after what just happened, but luckily, her body seemed to agree that she should hold it in longer.

"Here, have mine instead," He took her drink and gave his instead. She gladly obliged and took her sip, the liquid kind of stung in her throat, but weirdly, she liked it.

She watched her surroundings while lying her head on the headboard boringly; everyone was either chattering and laughing with each other or they were just that drunk and barely understood what was going on. For a while, he kind of let her take in the surroundings before finally noticing that she was spaced out. Her drink, well his technically, was quickly running out and he decided to look into her eyes for the first time in a while.

"You want to get out of here?" He leaned in closer to her while asking the question.

Regardless of how many times she convinced herself that the fact about her boyfriend wasn't true, somehow, she found herself shaking her head to his genuine offer. "You know what, I'll go, you stay." She retorted, was already quick on standing up and out of the door before he could even change her mind.

Stupidly letting herself get lost in the chaotic house to find a bathroom nearby even though last time that wasn't really mission accomplished. However, she couldn't go back to the room with her boyfriend inside, not when she was such a mess after the revelation that was still not yet proven to be accurate.

As she walked past a lot of people making out or chattering while crowding the very confined stairs, she was happier when she found that the bathroom was actually upstairs and closer than ever. Hurriedly making her way towards it and the first thing that she did was put down her cup on the sink as she looked at herself in the mirror. She had no idea what the procedures were at that point, especially when all things were still unclear to her. Not even the information came from an unreliable source could get her to believe that the guy who literally just took care of her and made sure that she was safe at this party, would do such a thing to her.

Not after... that night.

The knob on the door clicked all too suddenly, making her wince in surprise as her next actions was to jump in to the toilet before the people on other side could even make eye contact with her. She was incapable of doing that at the moment. Apparently the people who just came in were a bunch of girls who were now talking in annoyance and laughing in their squeaky little voice that irritated her to the core.

"Can you believe that Wesley fucking Pratt?" One girl said. The tone in her voice was clearly annoyed.

"No, what did he do now?" Another girl jumped in, the sound of running water from the sink came on the next.

"Well, basically he made a pass at me tonight, thinking that I'd get to sleep with him again just because I did last time," The first girl who started the conversation revealed.

"That jerk has some nerves!" Another girl suddenly chimed in, different from the other two then spoke again. "Doesn't he have a girlfriend, though? What's the name again, Em-something," She added.

"Please, Wesley Pratt doesn't do girlfriend," The second girl declared. "I would know because as soon as he gave away that stupid rose to me after our, you know, he barely even looked at me." She spat.

"Well, I just feel sorry for whoever is his next victim though," The last girl concluded. "I just hope she never fell for his sweet acts and did it like the rest of us."

Then another fit of laughter echoed throughout the bathroom, except for the one stall that was filled with muffled whimper. "Oh come on, Ky, when you sleep with Wesley Pratt, that does guarantee a spot in the social ladder." The girl said, laughing.

"You may be right about that," The other girl agreed.

The faucet was turned on again followed by a voice after that, "Of course I'm right." Then with one last chuckle, she and the other girls were leaving the bathroom finally after having their little session in gossiping and touch-up in their makeup perhaps. It took the girl hiding in the stall a while before she was finally bracing herself to come out after hearing about yet another heart-wrenching information. For sure, consider herself proven right now.

Despite Emma's legs still feeling a lot like jelly and more wobbly, she decided to get out of there and call herself a cab instantly. If that wasn't possible, seeing as how late it was getting, she'd walk or hitchhike if she had to. Anything but staying in there, looking at him - pretending that he actually cared about her and saying all those fake sweet stuff to her.

She had no idea how many steps it took her to get to her house but as soon as she made it, she refused to go through the front door but climb into her window instead. Not caring about the scratches that were caused by the tree and all the other things, honestly that kind of hurt was the least of her worry as of now. All she wanted to do was bury herself in a pile of blanket, never to be seen again. She felt like a complete and utter shit that the moment she finally landed herself on the floor of her bedroom, the first thing that her eyes gazed at were the rose inside a vase resting on the desk - possibly laughing and mocking her senselessly. 

She walked towards it and broke the vase on the floor scattering all the pieces then picked up the rose along the way. Sitting on her bed, it was clear that she was holding in the tears and getting angrier by the second that her next move was kind of obvious. Tearing all the petals one by one, making sure that it was all ruined and fell right into the vase that had just broken on the floor. Once it was all over, it wasn't relief that she felt. In fact, that hadn't come yet. But she went to snuggle in her bed anyway tonight, covering herself up from head to toe, without even changing her outfit beforehand.

There she sat on the library's steps, her purse rested next to her, just a step down. From everyone's perspective, mostly the sea made out of college students walking from and to campus, might get the wrong idea thinking that the girl was indeed a loner. Perhaps, she was, but not at the moment though. She was holding her phone in her grip, typing quickly to someone whom she was going to meet up later. Long story short, she met a guy a while ago as she was on her way to return some books at the library - the same guy who offered her to work at the campus' library but somehow never worked out. Guess fate really worked in the funniest way. They exchanged numbers at the time and had been talking each time they could. That day, they were supposed to have that coffee in which she promised a few days prior. Lucky for her, she had the day off at the coffee shop. Her stomach was tied in knots and not for the reasons that were solely obvious but mostly because she had never asked a guy for coffee before. Despite they were only meeting for coffee and the fact that she had no intention in going further, but still.

Tall, skinny guy in an unironed striped white shirt along with only one of the backpack straps hung on the shoulder, approaching her.

"You're late, by the way," She stood up, didn't even walk down the steps to match his level. Her expression was stern, she made sure of that.

"Sorry, there was traffic. So, shall we go now?" The guy asked.

And without another reply out of her mouth, she only nodded then walked side by side with the guy towards the coffee shop.

☕

By the time they arrived at the coffee shop, vehicles after vehicles later on the busiest hour of the day, she went up the stairs towards the cashier to order. Just another one of her luck sliding through, the person working a shift that day was her kind of enjoyable coworker. There was proof that confirmed and basically became the reason why she thought so. Demi Lovato was playing in the background the moment she stepped in- she really craved for that kind of music lately.

"You working today?" She started a conversation with Jay, obviously after whispering something to the guy she came with in the first place telling him to get them both a table seeing as it was crowded at the moment. It was actually a polite way to tell the guy that she wanted to talk to Jay alone.

Jay didn't wear glasses that day, but she never mentioned it. "Yeah. Are you on a date?" He asked, his eyes directed at the guy who was with her earlier and she turned around finding that he already found a table in the corner, outdoor.

She turned back to face Jay while shaking her head. "It's not a date. Just casual meetup between a girl and a boy sharing no attachment whatsoever with each other." She explained.

Attachment was for people who couldn't handle being alone and she definitely wasn't one of those people. Obviously there was a moment where she craved for that kind of commitment, like in the middle of the night when she really needed someone to cuddle and felt really lonely, but then she thought about the things she had yet to do before committing to someone. After all, you needed to be you before being someone else, right?

"Sure, whatever you say," Jay laughed a little, pausing, then finally taking her order. "So, what do you want to order today?" He continued.

She thought long and hard with her brows furrowed. "Iced coffee with vanilla and original iced coffee, please," Jay was tapping on the cashier's tab, her eyes gazed at the cookies and muffin resting in front of her. "Wait, since when do we sell these?" She pointed towards the boxes of pastry.

"Just delivered today. Do you want one?" Jay offered.

"About time! They finally caught up to the competition," She commented, taking one cookie out of the box.

"Okay, coming right up." Jay declared, before dazing away from her to make the orders as she left the register to go to the guy while waiting for her name to be called out alerting that her order was up.

☕

"So... How come have you never invited me to your graduation?" She began to ask, sipping on her coffee totally careless about the withdrawals that usually caused anxiety to run in her system.

"Well, how come have you never showed up to the library anymore? Right after the letter of recommendation, to be exact." Lucas fired back.

"I told you why! I never got the call," She defended herself, her expression was slightly hurt. "Anyway... How's life?" She changed the subject at hand, arguing wasn't exactly what she wanted at the moment. Her hand wrapped off the cookie and started taking a bite. It was fairly sized; too sweet for her liking but good either way.

"It's been good actually. So how do you like working here?" He asked.

Her expression changed. "Tiring, but it's better adjustment than I thought. Better than thinking it was an escape." She muttered, making sure that it was low enough for him to catch on what she was saying.

Too bad, despite it being so loud in the shop, he still heard it loud and clear that he responded right away. "Why would you think it was an escape?" He asked.

She remained silence for a second. Every time a person seemed to grow interest, especially about her life, she always made sure that she didn't spill too much. In her words, she tended to pull away from that stuff. Having broken pieces of trust that other people left her to fix all by herself, was enough reason for her to not rely on anyone.

"Remember the first time we finally talked even though I had been going to the library more time that I could count?" She began. The first time was when he was behind the computer doing something as she was reading a NewYorker issue in the magazine section. That's pretty much the only reason why she came anyway.

He only nodded, telling her to continue.

"It doesn't matter. After doing something I should've done a while ago... that made me realize this place, isn't much of an escape anymore. That thing was. More like seeing a light at the end of the tunnel." She revealed.

"No, no, tell me. I want to know." He pressed.

She was busy stirring the coffee with straw, looking down. A way to avoid eye contact with someone after revealing a side of her that she never thought would show. Scared, she let out a sigh into the wall in front of her.

"I know it's stupid to dwell over something that happened a year ago.. But I just, can't seem to let it go."

After declaring that fact, she turned around just to make sure that Jay wasn't looking- even though she had no idea why. It's not like she was interested in the guy. And he wasn't, obviously, in fact, he had a lot of orders to make in front of him. She chuckled at the sight.

"What happened?" He questioned.

It took a long moment of pause as she was gathering so much strength and power to reveal part of her past that had been haunting her in the middle of the night since it happened.

"I just... don't want you thinking that I'm overreacting because what I went through, might not be as bizarre as everyone else's." She announced.

He took a sip off of his coffee, before replying. "I won't. I promise." He stated.

☕

Another pause followed right after she was pouring out all her worse nightmares and laying them out in the open. She felt a rush of adrenaline in her - something rare to the point that she felt like catching them with her empty hand and piling them up in a pocket in case she needed them later. It was the kind of rare that got her feeling so emotional yet comforting at the same time - putting her guard down finally and letting one person she never thought of sharing those secrets to, everything.

Well, not everything. Just the crucial parts where she didn't get her head on fire for spilling too much. Or for the more glorifying dramatic sense, she was too ashamed as it was still fresh in her mind. In spite of it being a one-year ancient memory.

She was saying everything so intently. As if she never told it before- well that's actually correct and mostly the reason why she was so far away this whole time. When you're used to keeping everything inside never letting it see the light of day, your entire soul might react the same way as your whole entire body. That's just how it works.

She hadn't dealt with the matter by speaking to anyone just because she was afraid and filled with so much shame. No matter how many times she scrolled through her social media indirectly telling her that there was no shame in seeking for help nor was there a reason for her to be afraid. But the truth was, she wasn't mad at the person who caused her to fill this much rage, but mostly to herself. For letting it happen.

Avoiding everyone and mostly herself, clearly weren't helping her case. She was traumatized and the only thing that kept her going was her job and sometimes the creative bone in her body that allowed her to write without difficulties. But at least she no longer thought of it as an escape - in the world of psychology that she majored in, that was a progress.

"And you've never told anyone about this, like is this the first?" He asked.

She shrugged. "I just can't get myself to." She muttered, stirring the rest of the coffee and taking a big swig even though there was only ice left in the cup.

"And this thing... that happened, cause you to lose the most important thing?" He clarified, trying to make sense of it all.

She nodded. "Pretty much." She sighed.

He paused, refusing to say the wrong thing. "I don't even know what to say," He declared. It was a good thing that music was blaring still throughout the entire cafe. Had it not for that, she wouldn't have the guts to do something so outrageously dangerous - trusting someone wasn't exactly her forte.

"It's fine. I don't expect you to." Was the only thing she could mutter. It's honestly relieving to confess about something that had been holding her back from life. Stopping her from doing what she did best or being her own self even. And to think that all of it happened while she was in a coffee shop, confirmed everything once again. Maybe this place really wasn't much of an escape. It's where people leave their stories.

The story starts every chapter with letter entries supposedly to Monica from best friend and also our protagonist, Chloe Whittaker. In each chapter, it’s divided by stages of Chloe’s ways in taking down every one in her hit list. The list involves five not only popular but ridiculously wealthy, elite teenagers (Lola Davenport, Sophie Rutherford, Francis Rutherford, Madeline Danton, Zachary Plympthon, and William Bishop) all of which might or might not be the cause or involved in Monica’s disappearance. Chloe insists on bringing the case of her best friend justice by messing up those said names above. 

In this book, we learn that Chloe is a very determined, well-structured girl who  thinks of every single thing to detail. She even maps out a chart of the school system, calling it as Level Five, Level Four, Level Three, Level Two, and the highest and untouched of them all, Level One. With her determination in exposing the truth on her best friend and critical thinking but also high on observation skills, she’s willing to do whatever it takes to make each of every one on her list pay. Even the one whom she promises will stay on the safe zone, the one who will become her winning or breaking point - that is, if she plays her cards right and sticks to the plan. 

Through this scheme that she put out by herself, she learns that the Level One, in spite of how glamorous and powerful it might seem on the outside, is more complicated than she realizes. The more she sticks around, the more secrets that begin to unravel by themselves - be it with the help of Will or her own snooping self. When she finds out that the most golden couple isn’t what they lead people to believe, toxic for lack of a better word. And then there’s Maddy Danton who seems to be excluded by the other two girls, all because she’s always the one who only appears to get drunk in parties and possibly be a next target. One night, Will does something that drives her mad, so mad that she avoids him while still maintains appearances in the hallways. However, this act of silent treatment leads her to have yet another secret - a way to get the plan back in motion. She questions whether or not to it’s a good idea to use that for another leverage in taking all of them down. After all,  the cunning, wicked Sophie Rutherford came in with a threat. Her insecurity and mentally unstable self take over that she’s afraid that they may use it against her now that she’s gone down the same rabbit hole, just like her best friend did, especially with her feelings starting to show.  

Like any other teenager, Chloe is anything but easy. Her home life, though her parents were just as ridiculously rich, she knows that her mother is in denial about her father’s “business” trips that aren’t necessarily for business. Because of this, she’s the type to have deep trust issues, hence why she doesn’t like when she doesn’t have the upper hand after Will decides to take lead the first time she confronts him. She doesn’t usually rely on anyone, not since Monica anyway. Speaking of which, Monica’s the exact opposite of her. While she’d rather remain off the radar, Monica would want to be in the spotlight, which was what got her to be in a place where she was now, probably. Monica’s perfect and confident - the pretty one - as opposed to her. Sometimes, she mulls over how her best friend can be that way almost all of the time, and that she wishes that Monica would just want to stay invisible just so she could look after her easily. Even she knew that was too much to ask for considering Monica was anything but. 

She’s introduced as the rich girl next door, who’s waiting to be picked up by her possibly first, long time boyfriend in the driveway. Later on, we find out that she’s not just the ordinary girl next door. She’s organized and loves planning events (the fashion show was the start of many),  while it may seem like she’s only doing it for her mother’s sake, but you can tell that she really enjoys it as it becomes another way of escapism  from her dysfunctional family (other than drinking that we’ll get into that later). She does this every season that when she’s kicked off the school even for heroic reasons, that’s when everything starts spiraling out of control that she loses herself. 

Now let’s talk about Luke, Marissa’s first, long-time boyfriend who happens to be a water polo guy that Seth might or might not hold hatred for. From the first season, we get to see a glimpse of how her family, well, Julie mostly, is the kind of rich family that forces her to be and stay with Luke just because they “look good on paper”. It reminds me of Blair and Nate from Gossip Girl, another one of Josh Schwartz’s big hit show. However, Marissa doesn’t seem too happy with the rich life that she’s used to, especially when she knows that her father is possibly in deep trouble as cops keep showing up at her door. Enter Ryan. He’s an outsider, someone who’s far different than her, someone that she longed for in years. She’s intrigued, that one is hard to deny. However, when they start talking and conversing in each other as they sneak into the Model Home house, she realizes that they’re not that different, if anything, they’re similar. In a way.. But, when Cotillion comes around, she doesn’t know what to do, as Julie once again, demands that she stays with Luke just because they’re “picture perfect” (doesn’t matter if the guy cheats and whores around behind her back like the asshole he is *sigh*). And if we’re not going to blame Blair Waldorf for letting Nate cheat on her and still choose to be with him, then we’re not going to shame Marissa, either. Yes, we went there. (take that, Bustle and TheTalko!). 

Marissa’s addiction. That one is possibly one of her worst traits, that the writers loved toying around with throughout the seasons. She tends to go overboard with this one as we see on the very first episode where she steals a whole bottle of alcohol and is left on the driveway, passed-out. This is where Ryan comes in, carrying her back to the pool house, indirectly claiming as her savior *this goes both ways for each other throughout the series, by the way*. Her alcoholism isn’t just the only thing that occurs whenever her life’s on downward spiral, it’s also shown in her bedroom sometimes. When she’s on a grey area with her life emotionally, she reflects it on her bedroom, that soon leads to be a makeover project by her best friend, Summer. Summer describes this as a reason why she’s so depressed, which psychologically speaking, can be accurate. Messy rooms are sometimes interpreted as one’s life not being as organized as they expect it to be, therefore they tend to think that “if my life is out of control, then what’s the point of keeping my room clean”? This is definitely what happens to Marissa. 

Her addiction doesn’t even get too much until Season 3. Even after what happens with Ryan’s brother, we rarely see her taking a drop after, Ryan says and I quote, “You’ve been amazing,” She replies with, “I know what it feels like to have someone believes in you when no one else does.” 

 Aside from negative coping, she’s not only known for that, if you’re actually looking closely into her character and not just judging it based on the cover. She’s an avid reader, though it’s barely shown, but we see her having her nose buried in a book every once in a while. Now that I think about it, that and many other positive qualities that she has, should have been focused and explored way more. She’s organized and carries planner whenever she needs to, she’s clearly more than the girl who needed saving if only the writers see that. Cause then maybe, people won’t refer to her as a “tragic” character that the writers want us to believe *she is not*. 

She’s definitely an introvert - compared to her best friend, Summer, who’s more the life of the party. Sure, she goes to parties and surrounds herself with her so-called “friends”, but you can literally see her drinking alone in the corner while Summer is probably having a lot more fun than she is. It’s clear that she only uses party scene as a way to steal alcohol that she will probably drink later at night as a way of coping. She also seems to be uncomfortable around new people and charges her energy while she’s on her own. This is why when she’s kicked off the school and has to go to a new environment, she doesn’t fit in right away, which leads to her insecurity increasing even higher (something that she also struggles with on a daily basis). The insecurity itself is possibly rooted from maternal issues she has, we see that on the very first episode, Julie is critizing her on how she looks, how she takes the comment on a personal level. After overdosing herself in Tijuana, she’s put on Suicide Watch, and we learn that she also suffers from “possible” ED in the past, masking it something that’s not serious because she was very stressed at the time, but is it though? Now, we never really know further cause that storyline is never explored further, we also don’t know if the writers are taking it seriously or just putting heavy weight on her shoulder for fun. Either way, it really sucks for her character, especially when she had other deep trauma issues that are barely addressed throughout the series.

Her savior complex. Now now now, this one is kind of controversial, excluding the last season where the main focus is “Ryan failed to save her”, helping and saving people are actually her forte, just like Ryan - which is why they probably connect in the first place. People love to call she’s selfish and needs saving all the time, but they’re people, who don’t bother to look deeper and judge all they please, it’s sickening. First, despite how problematic it might seem, she tries to help Oliver (no matter how many times Ryan thinks she doesn’t). She sees herself in Oliver and is scared that he might go down the rabbit hole if she leaves him alone, that’s actually sweet and showcases her nurturing side. The only downside is that every guy she does this to, seems to take it the wrong way and thinks of it as more than a friendly gesture. Cause you know, it was the 2000s, boy/girl friendships aren’t as common as it is now. She even lets Ryan go to help Theresa even though she needs him as well, knowing that he literally has an affair with another girl while they are still kind of together. How she’s trying to make  Ryan’s brother feel welcome in the neighborhood, keeping him company, not realizing that Trey might turn out to be the one that truly hurt and destroy her. What makes my blood boil even more is when they call her stupid for trusting Trey, for what, really? For wanting to get to know Ryan’s family because she loves him that much, that she’s willing to go far and beyond? *shudders* Even then, she’s still not thinking of herself when that happens, that her only response when Trey confronts her is “Me?! How about Ryan?” So yeah, I’ll fight anyone who calls her selfish. My ass.  The other thing with Johnny is that, she doesn’t try to save him, she actually sees him as a friend that she can vent to about her traumatic events that happen to her in the previous season. Because, for some reason they make Ryan look and seem like a douche this season and not wanting to talk to her though he always is there for her before *probably for angst, right?*. It’s actually stupid how they twist Johnny around and make him in love with her, leaving her yet alone again, but guess that’s what they’re trying to accomplish with her character as she’s left with her addiction only during this entire thing. 

Saving guys who don’t even deserve a shred of her kindness aren’t the only thing she’s good at - remember Hailey, Kirsten’s sister, who ends up a stripper that one time and how Marissa and Ryan find her and as he’s about to give up after getting kicked out of a club, she’s still optimistic and comes up with a plan to save her? Yeah, that one true partner in crime right there. She also schemes every now and then, not that that’s ever explored deeply in the show, but it’s there. 

Now Volchok, the guy that we all want to punch (Let’s go, Ryan!). She just loses a friend (one she can talk to about traumatic events), deals with s3xual assault and having to shoot someone to save her boyfriend, that’s got to be too much on a teenager girl like her. So no, she doesn’t just do that because she “loves to date bad boys”. There she is, standing and looking around the Model Home house, reconciling of the old times between her and Ryan. She realizes that she wants to be with Ryan and is ready for it too, but she can’t seem to go over to him when the time comes, giving him the mixtape that she makes him. The situation’s reversed, she used to be the rich girl with a mansion, now there she is, barely having her own bedroom, living in a trailer park. To add to that, she’s dealing with traumatic events still, so of course she’s insecure. She thinks she’s not good enough for Ryan and giving in to Volchok is a sign of that. But she wants Ryan to be happy, hence why she chases after Sadie, practically driving the girl into his arms. Poor, poor girl deserves so much better.

Let’s take a breather and talk about her family now. Despite how dysfunctional it might seem on the outside, and how many furniture thrown in the pool, doesn’t erase the fact that she’s a family girl. Jimmy, her father, has a way of coming and going any ways he likes. She even points it out and says, “You know, I wish you’d be like a real dad,” Ouch, that hurt. But it’s true, when it comes to family, she’s looking for a tradition, something stable that she can always cling onto especially when she’s in time of need. This is why when she comes up bringing bagels to the Cohen’s house, she feels warmed and welcomed by the family. It’s the one thing she lacks of in her family. Julie, despite the crazy ways in providing for her, is actually doing a better job at being there for her than Jimmy ever does. Sure, Julie is seen more of a villain in the first season (hell, the woman sleeps with her boyfriend that she lost her virginity to, so if I were her, I’d understand if she wants to, say, take revenge and invite her mom’s sister that Julie strongly hates as part of her master plan), but by the end of Season 3, they really grow stronger as a mother-daughter relationship that we really wish to see more of if given a chance.  Despite not showing much for her and only coming for the drama, she truly cares for her sister, Kaitlin. When she’s done moping around after traumatic events, she drives away to where her sister’s boarding school is, all because she wants to help her sister with something. There she is, finally having drama-free, fun episode where we get to see her strolling around in a sexy school girl outfit, but clearly the writers never catch her a break and hate to see her happy for once. 

Marissa is always seen as beautiful on the outside, but I don’t think she ever feels it at times. Luke’s cheating, probably makes her feel insecure and her mother sleeping with him helps as well. Ryan is the only person who actually sees her. She’s his heather.

People love pointing out her flaws when it comes to her relationship with darling Ryan, but the truth is, she has always been putting him before anyone else. She saves him multiple times throughout the series, even when he’s hardly there for her in Season 3. When she follows him to Chino, she visits his house and finds out more about him as a child - discovering that he used to be in a play dressed as Snoopy (again, she’s finding more and more about him because she cares and loves him deeply). Then, he goes out there saving his brother, not knowing that who he’s dealing with, she comes just in time with a car, saving him. This happens again when he’s broken up with Lindsay, she finds him in the rain, and comforts him, no talking needed. She shot her rapist to save him by the finale. Even in Season 3, when he’s chasing trouble with Volchok going back to his old ways as she’s miles away from Newport, he seeks for her help again, she is quick to respond and be there for him right away. Something he fails to do during this season, don’t ever tell me that she never thinks of him when that’s not true. She encourages him to talk about his architecture dream when they’re both on a college trip (this is such goals!). 

With her neglectful and narcistic parents, emotionally, and Ryan’s who’s more physically, that’s why they click and their relationship works. He doesn’t trust anyone and she doesn’t encourage her bad behavior on him, but they’re both there for each other. Always. She’s his constant, just like he’s hers, she accepts him the way he is because she’s imperfect as well. She sees him as the one thing that she can rely on and that’s really sweet. They both come from dysfunctional family with their own issues in hopes to build one of their own that actually works, at least that’s what we’re all rooting for, right?