Lady Bamboo

I'm always back as the darkness descends. It's come back quicker and blacker than ever. I don't know what to do this time to keep it at bay.

...and I shouldn't email the pricks from work. Going to be hard not to.

As much as I know this is true and as much as I live by it this week has been the hardest week for me on a long time. On top of he added pressure of the incident/attack, the SENCO has returned from maternity leave and is acting on the most unprofessional way that I am going out of my god damn mind. The lack of gratitude, understanding and respect myself and two other assistant sencos have reviewed has been absolutely shocking and it's really teaching me how not to treat others as a manager. Situations like this really help me to understand the way I want to act as a manager and what I shouldn't do. However, all the hard work, sweat and tears of the last 8 months has been for nothing and it's fucking disgusting. I cannot look the woman in the face and she clearly can't do the same. If I could I would tell her how fucking rude and ignorant she is being but I am British and I live with it. As a result of this, not the incident/attack, I am looking for a new management position. Although there are several appearing on the World Wide Web, they are all further than where I work and I don't want to compromise the time I've gained at home by living a little closer. I want to tell the senior leadership team of my intentions but in all honesty, I am so worried to tell them as they treat people like dirt when they know they are leaving! Peace out guys. Lady Bamboo xoxoxoxoxoxo

...no chair got near me though which I am thankful for. Anxiety starting a little. Stress levels high. All my muscles are tense. Ate my tea but if I didn't have have the lasagne my mum brought me, I wouldn't have had anything.

Sometimes I wish there was someone here to do things for me. Like wash my clothes and tidy up and cook my tea. I've never really had anyone do that for me. Don't get me wrong, as a young child I had my mother who did do this for me. However, from the age of 13 onwards I've pretty much had to learn to cope and survive on my own. My dad would wash my clothes but after a few months I realised it wasn't being done right and I had to find someone to do it for me (my nan) and hen eventually after trawling it everywhere realised that I had to learn to do it myself...which I did! In terms of housework my dad or brother never did that and it was left to me. Looking at he state of their house it's quite clear it was left to me as now I no longer live there I can honestly say it is quite disgusting. My brother is learning his own cleaning habits which is nice but it's taken a while!! Nowadays, the housework falls to me because I can be a little obsessive with it and like it to be done a certain way once a week. In terms of cooking, my partner is an extremely fussy eater and there is no way on Gods earth I can eat chips and chicken every day! Nevertheless, there are nights when I'm picking up after myself and thinking 'God I'm already behind' where I do really wish I had someone to just take that away for me. Just for a while. Just so I can feel my feet touch the ground again for a moment. Lady Bamboo xoxoxoxoxoxo

I finished Making A Murderer last night. I don't even know how to express how I feel about Brendan Dassey's conviction. How can the people who you are supposed to trust and look up to, turn against you in the most cruel way? How can we live in a society where it's ok that the poor stay poor and destitute? How can we sit back and let this happen? I'm not sure. I sit here today, wondering and worrying and panicking. The world is not a nice place and as a someone who works hard to make a change to our young people and give them the opportunities they deserve, I worry that in reality this change will never happen. I just wonder, what can I do for Brendan Dassey and at what point will I make a real difference? Lady Bamboo xoxoxoxoxxox

1. I feel better mentally right now. 2. I need to learn from my dad that nice guys get treated like shit. 3. I started yoga again and I am now in pain. 4. I am super into 'making a murderer' like everyone else on this planet. 5. My dog is my actual world.