“Oh my Vagina is all grown up, He provides!!!” 

INT. SENATE FLOOR - NIGHT

SEN. MCCONNELL addresses the august body.

SEN. MCCONNELL Okay, idiots. We’ve had seven years of the Obamacare hellscape, which, as everyone agrees, has ruined our country, killed jobs, slaughtered animals, and set the Bible on fire. But now the GOP is in charge – and it’s time for this national nightmare of “sick people being able to maybe not die or go bankrupt” to end.

SEN. SCHUMER Okay, you’ve been talking about a replacement bill for eight years. Let’s see what you got.

SEN. CORNYN Whoa whoa whoa – you’re being a little “pushy” there, Chuck.

SEN. SCHUMER That’s usually code for “Jewish.”

SEN. CORNYN Nobody said “Jewish.” I said “pushy.” You’re being pushy, is what I said. Don’t put words in my mouth. Anyway: read it and weep: the American Freedom Bald Eagle Old Glory Healthcare for Everyone with No Exceptions “It’s Gonna Be So Easy” Act.

SEN. WARREN …Where is it? We haven’t seen it yet. Can we see it?

SEN. MCCONNELL No.

SEN. JOHNSON A little history for you: when the Democrats wrote “Obummercare” –

SEN. MCCONNELL (chuckles) Nice.

They high-five.

SEN. JOHNSON – they did it in secret, in scarcely 16 months, behind closed doors, with not even 100 Republican amendments, and barely 70 public hearings.

SEN. MCCONNELL Like you can craft anything good in 16 months!

SEN. CORNYN In contrast to that undemocratic process, we, the GOP, spent literally dozens of minutes crafting this, over chicken caesar wraps and Arnold Palmers, earlier today in the senate dining room.

SEN. MCCONNELL Enough talking. We’ve been discussing this bill for almost eight minutes. Time to vote.

SEN. WARREN Can we see the bill?

SEN. MCCONNELL No.

SEN. SCHUMER Can we offer amendments?

SEN. MCCONNELL No.

SEN. WYDEN Can we have public hearings?

SEN. MCCONNELL No. Go back to Oregon, you dirty hippie.

SEN. COLLINS I’m voting no, Mitch. This bill is terrible.

SEN. MURKOWSKI I’m voting no too. It’s an abomination.

SEN. MCCONNELL (shakes his head sadly) Broads. Look, I know the bill is miserable. It would crash the insurance markets immediately. But who cares? This is just symbolic. This bill isn’t going to be a law. We’re just doing it to initiate a conference with the House, so we can actually pass a real bill later.

SEN. JOHNSON I just got a text from Paul Ryan. The House might just pass this bill.

SEN. MCCONNELL They might pass it?! Why the hell would they pass this bill we are about to pass?!

SEN. GRAHAM (fanning himself) This bill is abhorrent. It’s absurd, I say. I shudder to think what would happen if it became an actual law!

SEN. SCHUMER So how will you vote?

SEN. GRAHAM Oh I’m voting “yes.”

SEN. CAPITO This bill would devastate the people of West Virginia!

SEN. PORTMAN It would ruin lives! My own governor hates it!

SEN. SCHUMER You’re both voting for it, though, right?

SEN. PORTMAN Oh yeah.

SEN. CAPITO No question. Voting “yes.”

SEN. HARRIS Can we read the bill now?

SEN. MCCONNELL No. Any word from Ryan?

SEN. CRUZ I’ve been texting him a lot. No word. Oh – hang on, he’s writing back…I see the little bubbles.

SEN. MCCONNELL What’d he say?

SEN. CRUZ “New phone, who dis?” Guess I have the wrong number.

SEN. MCCONNELL No, that’s his number. It’s just: nobody likes you.

SEN. JOHNSON Ryan just texted me. I asked him if he could guarantee the House wouldn’t just pass our bill.

SEN. MCCONNELL What’d he say?

SEN. JOHNSON (reading) “Look, this is complicated. This stuff gets a little wonky – I don’t want to bore you with the nerdy, wonky details. I’m kind of a policy geek, so I kind of get down in there with the nitty-gritty stuff, that other people are bored by, because they’re not policy geeks like me.”

SEN. MCCONNELL …He didn’t answer your question.

SEN. CRUZ (checking Johnson’s phone) Let me see what number you have for him…yeah, that’s the same number I have. Weird.

SEN. MCCONNELL It’s not weird. No one likes you.

SEN. GRAHAM (lying on fainting couch) My fellow members of this most august body, don’t you see we are headed for a disaster? This bill cannot pass! It would upend generations of Senatorial norms and procedure, and devastate the very fabric of American society!

SEN. SCHUMER Still voting for it, though?

SEN. GRAHAM Oh yeah, still a solid “yes.”

SEN. MURKOWSKI I’m still a “no,” by the way.

SEN. COLLINS Me too.

SEN. MCCONNELL No one cares, ladies. Go get your hair blown out or whatever.

SEN. HARRIS Can we read the bill now?

SEN. MCCONNELL (angry) No! Why are there all these women haranguing me?! How many goddamned women are in the Senate now, 95?!

SEN. WARREN Twenty.

SEN. MCCONNELL Seems like 95. Look: no one gets to read the bill. It’s not a real bill! It’s not supposed to become a law!

SEN. JOHNSON What if the House just passes it?

SEN. MCCONNELL Call that little pissant Paul Ryan and tell him they better not!

SEN. JOHNSON (dials) Paul? It’s Ron Johnson. You better not pass this bill that we are about to pass, because we don’t want it to pass, even though we are gonna pass it!

SEN. MCCONNELL What’d he say?

SEN. JOHNSON He said the process of passing bills is wonky, and it’s hard to explain, and he’ll try not to bore me with the wonky details.

SEN. CRUZ Let me talk to him. (takes phone) Paul? It’s Ted. Listen, bud – (beat) Oh, sorry. Okay. (hangs up) It was the wrong number.

SEN. MCCONNELL We were already talking to him, moron.

SEN. PORTMAN No one likes you.

SEN. WARREN Can we read the bill?

SEN. MCCONNELL No. No more women talking. Time to vote. It’s a fake bill, and if the House passes it and all hell breaks loose, we can just blame Hillary or something. (calling out) Who wants to pass a fake disastrous bill that, if it became law, would cause the insurance markets to collapse, and 18 million people to immediately lose health care, but who gives a crap, because it’d be the House’s fault and no one pays attention to this stuff anyway?

49 REPUBLICANS Yay!

48 DEMOCRATS Nay!

SENS. MURKOWSKI AND COLLINS Nay.

SEN. MCCONNELL (aside) Must be that time of the month.

SEN. CRUZ Nice!

Cruz goes to high-five McConnell, who ignores him.

SEN. MCCONNELL Okay, one more vote. John?

SEN. MCCAIN I vote no.

Everyone loses their minds.

AMERICAN MEDIA MCCAIN VOTED NO! MAVERICK! ONCE AGAIN HE DEFIES THE PARTY! HERO! NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS!

SEN. MURKOWSKI …I voted “no” as well.

SEN. COLLINS Yeah, Lisa and I are also Republicans who defied–

AMERICAN MEDIA WE REPEAT: THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED! LITERALLY ONLY JOHN MCCAIN WOULD EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! PLUS HE HAS CANCER – AND HE STILL CAME HERE AND VOTED!

SEN. HIRONO I have Stage 4 kidney cancer, and I voted –

AMERICAN MEDIA JOHN MCCAIN JUST DID SOMETHING THAT LITERALLY NO OTHER MAN IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA WOULD EVER DO EVER!

SEN. CRUZ Bummer, huh guys? Anyone want to come over to my place, get some wings, watch a little “Life of Brian?” No? Rain check, then.

Lawyers in the AG office were the ones arguing in favor of not releasing low-risk prisoners and acted counter to Harris’ wishes.

Progressives: “We want single payer”

Kamala Harris: “I support single payer.”

Meanwhile, what Kamala Harris has actually been busy with lately, policy-wise, is pushing her own bill aiming to get states to end money bail, a project that will materially help people dealing with the inequalities in our criminal justice system.