Welcome to Kupcake's World!

Along with my anxiety being through the roof, I've just been feeling really depressed, and it's really bothering me, because all I wanna do is stay in bed all day, which I can't do because of school, and eat. I've always been a stress eater and just knowing that I stress eat gives me even more anxiety, so yeah, that's great. Today, it even got so bad, I almost cried with my friends while we were out today, and I hate crying in front of people, i just won't do it. So much is just running through my head that it's starting to drive me nuts. Oh great, there I go with the tears again... I'm trying so hard no to relapse for the umpteenth time this year, because I really am proud of the fact that I've been clean for two years and I don't ever want to go back to that place.

And on the ever present other hand, my mother has pretty much been nagging me nonstop about just about everything and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it before I finally just leave. She stresses me out way too much, but at the same time I can't do much about anything since I have no money, no license, no car, no nothing, but school, which I wish I could work, but that would be just too much for my over stressed mind to handle, plus then I'd probably get nagged at for even that. 

I try to look on the bright side, but there isn't much of one. I mean, I'm excited for all the things that are happening in the next few days, but I'm not at the same time. It's just hard right now for everything.

Well, I'm gonna try to go to sleep at a somewhat decent time tonight, since I haven't been able to fall asleep as quickly as I normally do, since I've just been thinking too much lately and that just keeps me up. I just wish there was an off button fro the endless loop of unpleasant thoughts in my brain.

And this is how the argument goes like every single time, probs about once a week, Maybe not always about the kitchen, but it usually ends the same, her threatening to kick me out and to call the cops on me for some reason or another after I don't do something right away. And I'm guessing she is going to get after me about my room sometime soon because it isn't the cleanest.But she is probably going to ignore me for the rest of the night, so that's good I guess.

Right now,  I have like no idea what to do because I really don't want to deal with this any more, it really messes with my head, but there's nothing for me to do. I can't live anywhere else besides my dad's place rent free, and I'm definitely not putting myself through that torture again because well, I really really don't want to. I'm starting to get to that bad place again, and I don't want to go back, and I'm trying everything to stay out of it. I'm already quite independent, just lacking the necessary tools for independence i.e. license, car, job, money, but I'm not one to free load off other people, it makes me feel super horrible.I'm kinda just like, fuck everything right now, I'm just done. Done. I just can't deal anymore.

Oh well, on the bright side, I make cupcakes today, and that makes me happy. They're for my last day of class tomorrow, which I feel bittersweet about since I love the class and the teacher, but some peeps I could do without. I'm kinda excited to have two weeks to myself now to just chill and write, and get some reading done since I still have a nice sized stack of books to read on my bookshelf.