Memories and Lack of Sleep...
In every healing journey you think back to the beginning...while I would like to thank Vice City for my current state of brokenness...it wasn't all him, I've had a small succession of people I thought would never let me down. I'm not sure if that says more about me as a person, the people I'm inevitably attracted to, or some combination of multiple factors...
College Boy and I had chemistry that was intense and consuming...he matched my insatiability and adventure. He was outgoing and the prince to my party princess era. However, no matter how open I was...it was never enough...and he always tried to break/bend rules. Catching him in lies was a normal thing...
Then we had Magic Musician...we connected on such an easy and fun level...the sex wasn't great but gosh we could just hang out and talk for hours... everywhere we would go and anything we would do...it was just easy and we had so much fun. But he put to much value into what other people thought and I just didn't mesh with everyone in his life. We made better friends then a couple and the number of times he cheated was probably even more then I knew. We still talk every once in a while, I'm glad he made some changes...
Then there was my Dark Knight...he was everything MM and CB wasn't but yet had bits of the good from both of them. We moved so fast...two months after we were dating, we moved in together and for a long time everything was perfect. I thought I was gonna be with him forever and had his Dad not died, maybe we would have....but when that happened.... everything changed. He stopped being loving and caring and he was just so angry at the world and he took it out on me. I didn't know how to help...and by the time I realized what he needed, I was so done with the relationship that I stopped trying. I stopped wanting the relationship. I stayed because I didn't know what else to do after being with him for so long...him cheating was actually a convenient out. Don't get me wrong, that shit hurt....so much...but it was more about the fact that promises were broken and more then one person lied straight to my face.
Then we have Stoner Loner...he was great after not dating for five years...but he was co-dependent and had no ambition and suffocated me.
Divorced Dad was next...it was trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole. We weren't actually compatible but I needed feel loved and he did that....until he didn't whenever I would push against control.
Which brings us to Vice City...the boy who broke me...the boy I've spent 9 months trying to heal from...He lied and did terrible things, I lied and did terrible things. At the time, I had some pretty solid excuses...but the more I think about it, I don't know what effected my decisions more... I don't know if I still would have done things somewhat similar even if I didn't have the excuses. Fear and love, they are some of the most incredibly strong emotions...and I had a fuckton of both. The terrible things I did with some solid instigation from Bad Big only further my well of healing because I'm not even sure if that would have played a part in things being different. See...Vice City got into a love triangle between me and another girl...the man who didn't want to date started dating two people. And while he told me he loved me and cared about me and wanted to focus on us and how we would always be in each other's lives...I didn't know that he was likely feeding Voldemort the same lines. He lied about when they met, he lied again about his feelings for her, he lied after he got caught lying about when they met, he abandoned me at my lowest. Yeah, I lied too...and there were opportunities where I should have been honest...but I was loyal... however, no one cares about loyalty anymore...and people's word is shit. I just find it ironic how he decided to abandon me for my lies yet if we were to go lie for lie... I'd think he'd still have the bigger black mark. I didn't lie to manipulate him into not walking away...I didn't lie about my feelings... I didn't lie to go on a trip because it was gonna be fun. I lied about the identity of Bad Big...just a number on a phone...so it wasn't Night Nurse like he thought..but it was someone who could put my feelings into words to try to get him to understand how much pain he was putting me thru and it was my cry for help. My pain, my fear, my blind love for this boy...it cost me pieces of my self...it cost me so much...The bigger fucked up part of everything is... I still miss him... I don't miss the relationship...I miss the friendship I thought we had... I miss the person I thought he was.
And that's the part that I get stuck on while trying to move forward...."the person I thought he was" it has me questioning myself in everything... I no longer have faith in myself... If he could fool me so so so completely...what does that say about me? Yeah Big Bad sorta fooled him about who he actually was too...but I had believed this person cared about me, I believed him when he said he loved/cared about me, I believed him when he said he wouldn't abandon me, I believed him when he said he was my friend. I believed everything he told me, unequivocally....and I would have done anything for him. I did do everything for him. I sacrificed who I was as a person so he could be the Sun and the Moon, so he could be happy, so I could keep everything the same and keep him.
I don't trust anymore, I don't open my heart anymore, I don't try to date anymore. I've been celibate for nine months and....I just don't have another heartbreak in me. While I have went on dates and I even almost got into a relationship with Rugby Introvert...I just... couldn't put me or them thru the hurt.
It's been almost ten months and I have not stopped working on myself...I've become focused to possibly an unhealthy level of growth and learning. I'm at the lowest weight I've been since around the time Dark Knight and I dated...so like the lowest weight I've been in a decade. I am so close to accomplishing a goal I set into place less the a year ago. I have a new career where I no longer stress and worry and deal with bullshit. I have learned the importance of boundaries and I have been uncompromising with them... family or not. I have learned that the only safe person to overshare with is myself...and hence why I journal and blog. I have learned that happiness can only come from myself. I have learned that it's okay to be by myself...and I can adventure solo. I also learned you can miss people and want to reconnect but life still needs to be lived...and there is no reason you should waste time not living for someone who doesn't give fuck about if you live or die.
So...I'm okay living in my "villain era" being solo and being the most awesome version of me. I have watered down myself for so many people for so long. I have put so many other people first...I've compromised my integrity and beliefs and my heart for people that don't deserve it.
As I've told basically everyone in my life now...I will always be there if you want me or need me...but understand that if you can't respect my boundaries or if you don't make effort...that's all I'll be... someone who you can rely on to be there if you call, someone who will occasionally send some memes, someone who will care about you from afar, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my peace, well-being, or heart for those who haven't earned it.







