Ramblings of a Former Party Princess

In every healing journey you think back to the beginning...while I would like to thank Vice City for my current state of brokenness...it wasn't all him, I've had a small succession of people I thought would never let me down. I'm not sure if that says more about me as a person, the people I'm inevitably attracted to, or some combination of multiple factors...

College Boy and I had chemistry that was intense and consuming...he matched my insatiability and adventure. He was outgoing and the prince to my party princess era. However, no matter how open I was...it was never enough...and he always tried to break/bend rules. Catching him in lies was a normal thing...

Then we had Magic Musician...we connected on such an easy and fun level...the sex wasn't great but gosh we could just hang out and talk for hours... everywhere we would go and anything we would do...it was just easy and we had so much fun. But he put to much value into what other people thought and I just didn't mesh with everyone in his life. We made better friends then a couple and the number of times he cheated was probably even more then I knew. We still talk every once in a while, I'm glad he made some changes...

Then there was my Dark Knight...he was everything MM and CB wasn't but yet had bits of the good from both of them. We moved so fast...two months after we were dating, we moved in together and for a long time everything was perfect. I thought I was gonna be with him forever and had his Dad not died, maybe we would have....but when that happened.... everything changed. He stopped being loving and caring and he was just so angry at the world and he took it out on me. I didn't know how to help...and by the time I realized what he needed, I was so done with the relationship that I stopped trying. I stopped wanting the relationship. I stayed because I didn't know what else to do after being with him for so long...him cheating was actually a convenient out. Don't get me wrong, that shit hurt....so much...but it was more about the fact that promises were broken and more then one person lied straight to my face.

Then we have Stoner Loner...he was great after not dating for five years...but he was co-dependent and had no ambition and suffocated me.

Divorced Dad was next...it was trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole. We weren't actually compatible but I needed feel loved and he did that....until he didn't whenever I would push against control.

Which brings us to Vice City...the boy who broke me...the boy I've spent 9 months trying to heal from...He lied and did terrible things, I lied and did terrible things. At the time, I had some pretty solid excuses...but the more I think about it, I don't know what effected my decisions more... I don't know if I still would have done things somewhat similar even if I didn't have the excuses. Fear and love, they are some of the most incredibly strong emotions...and I had a fuckton of both. The terrible things I did with some solid instigation from Bad Big only further my well of healing because I'm not even sure if that would have played a part in things being different. See...Vice City got into a love triangle between me and another girl...the man who didn't want to date started dating two people. And while he told me he loved me and cared about me and wanted to focus on us and how we would always be in each other's lives...I didn't know that he was likely feeding Voldemort the same lines. He lied about when they met, he lied again about his feelings for her, he lied after he got caught lying about when they met, he abandoned me at my lowest. Yeah, I lied too...and there were opportunities where I should have been honest...but I was loyal... however, no one cares about loyalty anymore...and people's word is shit. I just find it ironic how he decided to abandon me for my lies yet if we were to go lie for lie... I'd think he'd still have the bigger black mark. I didn't lie to manipulate him into not walking away...I didn't lie about my feelings... I didn't lie to go on a trip because it was gonna be fun. I lied about the identity of Bad Big...just a number on a phone...so it wasn't Night Nurse like he thought..but it was someone who could put my feelings into words to try to get him to understand how much pain he was putting me thru and it was my cry for help. My pain, my fear, my blind love for this boy...it cost me pieces of my self...it cost me so much...The bigger fucked up part of everything is... I still miss him... I don't miss the relationship...I miss the friendship I thought we had... I miss the person I thought he was.

And that's the part that I get stuck on while trying to move forward...."the person I thought he was" it has me questioning myself in everything... I no longer have faith in myself... If he could fool me so so so completely...what does that say about me? Yeah Big Bad sorta fooled him about who he actually was too...but I had believed this person cared about me, I believed him when he said he loved/cared about me, I believed him when he said he wouldn't abandon me, I believed him when he said he was my friend. I believed everything he told me, unequivocally....and I would have done anything for him. I did do everything for him. I sacrificed who I was as a person so he could be the Sun and the Moon, so he could be happy, so I could keep everything the same and keep him.

I don't trust anymore, I don't open my heart anymore, I don't try to date anymore. I've been celibate for nine months and....I just don't have another heartbreak in me. While I have went on dates and I even almost got into a relationship with Rugby Introvert...I just... couldn't put me or them thru the hurt.

It's been almost ten months and I have not stopped working on myself...I've become focused to possibly an unhealthy level of growth and learning. I'm at the lowest weight I've been since around the time Dark Knight and I dated...so like the lowest weight I've been in a decade. I am so close to accomplishing a goal I set into place less the a year ago. I have a new career where I no longer stress and worry and deal with bullshit. I have learned the importance of boundaries and I have been uncompromising with them... family or not. I have learned that the only safe person to overshare with is myself...and hence why I journal and blog. I have learned that happiness can only come from myself. I have learned that it's okay to be by myself...and I can adventure solo. I also learned you can miss people and want to reconnect but life still needs to be lived...and there is no reason you should waste time not living for someone who doesn't give fuck about if you live or die.

So...I'm okay living in my "villain era" being solo and being the most awesome version of me. I have watered down myself for so many people for so long. I have put so many other people first...I've compromised my integrity and beliefs and my heart for people that don't deserve it.

I found a lump last night...it's about the size of a gumball on my left breast... I'm terrified.

I did the one thing I shouldn't have and I Googled....it was not helpful. Then I finally got my head on straight and reached out to my OB/GYN. By the time I woke up this afternoon they already scheduled me an ultrasound and a mammogram. I will have answers on Friday.

But Friday feels so far away right now...and while I should be relieved that they are taking this so seriously and getting things checked out soon its also scary that they are getting me in so quickly.

I hate this...I feel betrayed by life again because I am FINALLY feeling like things are getting better and I was starting to be excited and feeling good about the future...

I am feeling so many emotions right now and I just....don't know how to deal with it all.

I wish dating wasn't so hard and complicated....

I try to date guys that are not my type, I try to date guys that are my type, I try to find a middle ground....and it's like the harder I try the worse it gets...

Since Vice City I've gone on a handful of dates and I've seen a couple of people but I find that either they are so timid that we never leave the friend zone, or they don't want to be patient at all while I'm healing and trying to become the best version of myself, or they are so fucking co-dependent I can't breathe, or innocent- hell one was a virgin, or there is just no compatibility/chemistry...

Vice City is the last person I was with....and that was in November...a girl is struggling right now...

I have been so incredibly upfront and communicative and like......been really blunt about the mistakes I've made and the shit I'm feeling and that hasn't even been the thing that has made dating hard... I would have actually expected way more guys to be like..."Oh, so that's what happened in your last situation...I'm out" and it's not even like they blink an eye....which only makes me feel like how Vice City reacted and handled the situation worse and makes me angry which means I think about him more which isn't helpful or productive because I'm never going to get to have the conversation that I feel we need. It's so incredibly frustrating...

Then to top all of that...I'm actively trying to move on now that I'm more whole....and I'm being faced with just....no one who is compatible....and it makes me feel even more alone and more worthless and undatable.

I've had this blog for years and year; multiple times I've achieved basically large chapters of my life... mainly because I'm not the same person as I was then and I want to start a new chapter. I am a firm believer in growth and while sometimes you don't grow in the ways you thought or want to; it's still growth.

So here's my re-introduction and a summary of the story so far...

I'm 34, single, fur-Mom to two kitties; Harper and Zu. I lost my kitty Pepper last October... It was one of the hardest things I've gone through. Last year was marked by loss for me....I lost a lot. The biggest thing I lost last year was myself... A lot of things contributed to that fact and I'm sure the longer I blog the more I'll talk about those things and the implications of that loss in the present. I have to remember to quit looking back...as it it doesn't change what happened. I let the past tear me apart once before and I can't let it happen again.

I'm probably going to blog a lot about flying and my journey with becoming a pilot. Being in the air is one of the places that I just feel like everything is gonna be okay. It's peaceful to me.

I used to be a Hospitality Consultant and I had a business partner that I ran that with... Last year he was going through some personal stuff and I was losing myself and not focusing on what I needed to. In the end we made some huge mistakes that basically cost us some really big clients..the kind of clients we needed in order to keep doing it full-time to pay for staff and ourselves. After going through all the shit I was going through and didn't really have my heart or mind in the game I decided to give it up as my primary career. I had just burnt myself out towards the end and it was yet another thing that just wasn't making me happy anymore. In late November I went through some stuff that just....made me realize how unhappiness can impact trajectory...so I made the decision that I would strive for happiness and good health...so that's what I did. I now work for a pretty amazing company where I can use all my skills and also grow into different positions. I am sad I'm not my own boss anymore but in some ways I like it better...I never have to stress over how I'm going to pay myself or my employers and I don't have to work so fucking hard for basically the bare minimum. (That was the other thing I decided late last year...no more settling for the bare minimum) I don't have to keep having the same fights over and over again with the clients wanting results without being willing to make changes. So yeah, now I work for a company in logistics/aviation and I'm happier for it.

I have some really great people in my life...I also put some distance between me and people whom I love deeply but couldn't trust anymore, who didn't respect boundaries, and/or just weren't helpful at helping keep drama out of my life. I will never ever kick someone out of my life or not be a friend if they need/want me but I can put distance and boundaries into place if that's what needs to happen.

Some of you are aware of my sometimes severe insomnia...but not a ton know about my Night Terrors/Nightmares.

  First lets get some basic information out of the way...

First and foremost a Night Terror is NOT a Nightmare. Night terrors are largely unknown to most people, creating the notion that any type of nocturnal attack or nightmare can be confused with and reported as a night terror.

  A night terror, sleep terror or pavor nocturnus is a parasomnia disorder, causing feelings of terror or dread, and typically occurring in the first few hours of sleep during stage 3 or 4 non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep.

  So basically: With nightmares, you have a really bad dream. With night terrors, you wake up to discover that you have been screaming or have acting your nightmares out physically. The brain's normal system that paralyses people during sleep does not seem to work in cases of night terrors. This means that anyone who happens to get in the way of someone in the grips of a night terror may be in for physical harm. That's the main difference between nightmares and night terrors in adults...

  How do you talk to people about why you're having a particular nightmare or night terror when the subject is hard to talk about in general? When none of it really makes sense in real life anyways. You can't. So then your insomnia gets worse and then you finally blog about it because it's the only way for you to put thoughts into words. So I'm doing that.

  It's been getting worse. It's 5A again and I'm not even close to thinking about sleep. I tried...I also actually ate food today too. There is a study that links hypoglycemia (which I have) to parasomnia disorders (which I also have) which also links to insomnia (yep, that's happening again now too) with depression (which is starting). Lovely...

  I'm not sure if the insomnia is caused because I have the night terror or because sometimes I just don't want to sleep for fear that the same events will pop up again in my sleep. The past is the past and I am trying to very hard to forget and be over that time in my life. I also can't really talk about any of the events in my terrors or nightmares...they suck and very very few will understand... It's all so surreal in ways.

  Lately, this week in particular, has been very hard. I have no want to eat, I don't necessarily fight sleep but I do tend to give up quickly and put on a movie or listen to music, and I have no energy and I can feel the depression seeping in.

  So frustrated...

All my tattoos have a meaning/symbol/reason behind it...someone once asked me about it so now I'll share...

1.) Left Inner Wrist My first tattoo; I was working as a Lifeguard at the YMCA in Flint done at Custom Ink and Steel, is of a heart with two stars beside it. Very simple "I wear my heart on my sleeve" and the two stars are for two very significant times in my life.

2.) Behind Right Ear My second tattoo; I was living in Flint and was done at Custom Ink and Steel as well, is of a blue butterfly. Also very simple. Has a few meanings and inspiration behind it but the best to describe it is with a quote. "A butterfly is God's proof that we are able to have second chances." Also there is that whole caterpillar/butterfly thing. Blue is my favorite colour.