#firstrealpost

Unfinished business but I still like my boy

I went to my first NEDA walk today, and it created a mix of emotions I’m still trying to process. I’ve been in treatment for my ED for about 2 years, but I’ve never felt “recovered.” When I started nursing school in January, it was really difficult to transition from being in an intensive outpatient treatment program 3 days a week to being completely on my own in a new city, at a new school, with new people. Before I started school again, I was so determined to beat my ED, because I knew an accelerated nursing program would be hard enough without throwing my ED into the mix. But now that I’m in school, the strings of my ED have held tight to my unconscious behaviors, making it difficult to recover unless I’m focusing 100% on my ED, which I don’t have time to do during school. It’s left me feeling frustrated and guilty. Like I’m not good enough at recovery or I’m not worthy of living freely. Fortunately, on my spring break this week, I was able to see my nutritionist at home. She reassured me that I’m doing just fine, which was motivation to continue pushing through recovery. Today was the last day of break and I went to the NEDA walk. It was freeing to be in a place where EDs weren’t stigmatized and could be talked about openly. There was one person that shared her journey through recovery, and it sparked a lot of thought about my own journey. She talked about how for the first part of her recovery she was in a “quasi” recovery state- meaning she was half in and half out. And that’s where I feel I am now. I’m trying to focus on recovery and meal plan and do the right things, but I also keep putting other things first. She talked about how EDs take you away from family, friends, and eventually yourself. And I related so much to losing myself to my ED. To not being able to think about anything other than food, calories, weight, bodies, meals, etc. Those thoughts taking away precious time with my family and my friends and my girlfriend. Taking away the things that I enjoy- carefree singing, baking, going out to eat, shopping. After 2 years of treatment, I’m slowly starting to find myself again. I’m slowly remembering my passion for singing in the car with the windows down, for dancing in the kitchen with my girlfriend while the cookies are baking, for trying new restaurants. Her takeaway message was that although EDs are not a choice, recovery is. So, I’m feeling a little hopeful and a little lost at the same time. Fittingly, they sang this song today, and it was incredibly powerful. So until I figure my shit out, I’ll keep choosing recovery as best as I can and being grateful for the amazing support system I have that reminds me that I’m not alone. 

I've been a pen and paper girl for a lot of years...back in the LiveJournal days I definitely got way into it and I've had my share of other Tumblrs but for the past decade or so I went back to pen and paper. For the last several months I had a pen and paper journal that started out kinda talking to a specific person and then grew into a workbook of self-healing and reflection. Wonderful and supportive people in my life encouraged me to go online with my journaling...not only to make my life easier with the ability to basically journal anywhere but also to kinda share the things in my head; and maybe just maybe I can help someone else. So this is me moving online...Here I'll be posting playlists, sharing thoughts and feelings, talking about my adventures, and everything in between.

i’ll probably forget to use this too lol. in the off chance i don’t, hi i’m meat and twitter was too scared of my opinions on grecian pillar stylings to let me keep living

---I’ll share 20 facts about me!!