It’s 3am and I can’t sleep and can’t eat. I’m trying to heal and move on, but this kind of hurt is so freaking unfamiliar. I’ve probably never really been “heartbroken “ over the loss of a relationship before until now. I thought I had someone I could grow with. Someone who knew me when I had nothing but my name and we could grow together. I thought we were growing together. I thought that was the plan. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to be concerned for my safety on any level. I thought when he told me I could be vulnerable with him and open up about why I feel x,y,z ways and how I’ve experienced x,y,z that the ground that he and I shared was sacred. When he started confiding in me I thought we had an understanding of being each other’s safe space. I can’t understand for the life of me HOW we got here to this dark and scary space. I’m hurting. So many ppl are telling me that I’m so strong and resilient. I don’t want to be strong. I want my relationship that I trusted in back. The relationship that kept me focused on us. I want the partner that I ignored all the temptation of the world for. I want the partner I thought I was safe with back. Relationships are hard but I thought whatever conflict we had was minute and we had and could continue to talk respectfully and work it out. So, no, I don’t feel strong. I feel emotionally dependent. I feel like my heart has been torn from my chest and spat on in front of me. I feel nauseous and like my insides are outside of me body. I’m tired and can’t sleep through the night. I had nightmares Thursday night. Fuck.... I have nightmares again. There’s so many questions I have that will probably never be answered. I’ve learned not seek closure. I’ve had such a difficult time adjusting to the possibility of life without him. First relationship I didn’t feel like was a waste of my time. I loved and I lost, but it doesn’t take away from the loving experience. That’s the risk that came with. But fuck this pandemic.. it’s triggering so much fucking bullshit! Idk what exactly triggered him to say the things he said to me. #FightOrFlight kicked in and protecting myself was all I saw. #Boundaries are serious. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAPw5B0JhZt/?igshid=1sqwfim1lktk9
