The Rest is Silence.

I guess I had an inkling that they don't like me as much as their other kids (don't get me started on the way they've been bragging about every little thing my middle brother has ever done, especially lately). But I sort of was trying to gaslight myself that they really do love me. My brothers have kids and need our parents more so they visit might brother in CA every few months and see my brother who lives them almost daily. They haven't visited me in 2 or 3 years.

Then tonight my dad made this comment about not teaching me stick shift because I wouldn't take direction on learning to drive. But I have no memory of him ever even trying to teach me stick shift. We didn't even have a manual car when I was learning to drive. I have literally never sat in the driver's seat of a manual car. He taught me everything else about driving and there might have been a few fights and fraught moments but I did clearly learn to drive. What the hell was that comment about?

Am I overreacting to feel hurt by this? Like he remembers me as some kind of defiant, terrible child?

"OH no you need to call the gas company right away! This is dangerous" "why are you packing up the cats and taking them out of the house? Do you really need to take the cats? Don't freak out!"

YOU said to call the gas company and I did. The gas company said get everyone out of the house and to me, everyone includes my cats. I'm not freaking out, I'm following instructions.

"We're leaving to hike in 20 minutes!" "Calm down why are you rushing around and stressed?"

YOU said we were leaving in 20 minutes and I hadn't even had breakfast yet. It took rushing around and I spilled coffee everywhere so of course I'm stressed. You said 20 minutes and everyone else had a leisurely breakfast while I had to bolt down a sandwich.

This morning I woke up remembering what it was like to be in university and dreaming that I had realized how good I was at Biology and chosen a science path. That I had realized what a heavenly creature I was and valued myself enough to see that the boys who wanted me did not deserve me. That the crumbs and games they offered were not even a fraction of how I wanted to be treated. That I was enough in myself and did not need relationships.

I also wish I could whisper in her ear that there is nothing wrong with her. That she is not lazy and does not lack willpower but simply has ADHD.

Spoilers below