𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐕𝐄.

a bone to pick with me? didn't know anyone did. well, all you had to do was ask joon. i'd easily give you tang pictures. jimin was asking me to do the same for him. i'll send plenty since my family makes sure to update me on him. well, as my best friend, you'll get them first. i don't mind us having a night together. it's been awhile since it's just been us hanging out. oh, i'm sure we can and i'm craving some good korean food.

if i don't fake fight you over stupid shit, the spice in our relationship might just disappear. don't you think so? i'm just kidding, though, your mom's been sending me all the tang pictures. i miss him, and i can tell he misses me. yeah? it'll be nice, right? i'm gonna look us some nice korean places around us, i'll try to find something authentic.

why would you willingly put yourself through the heartbreak that is videogaming? isn't the whole point of this to find some sort of witchy cure that'll knock you out? you should've looked for one while we were in mexico. i heard they're good with voodoo or whatever. maybe they could've made a little namjoon doll and cursed you to finally get some sleep.

i'm hoping i'll rage enough that it'll knock me right out? does that never happen? woah woah, hold on, no one was talking about voodoo and dolls and shit. i was thinking some kinda herbal tea or a really strong drink to knock me out. kinda terrified of where your head's at with this one, hyung.

private: and that's also why i'm taking full accountability and telling you that i wrongfully placed the blame on you. because really, how could you have known? the thing is, i wasn't even fully aware of how affected i was by everything, or what the actual reason behind it was. maybe the military, maybe feeling ignored or.. i don't know, trapped? so i'm asking you again; how could you have known when i never told you or even implied that something felt off? hyung, it was just easier for me to place the blame on you, and for that i'm genuinely sorry. i know you would've been there for me, but by then i'd already started building this massive wall around myself, and i think the only person i really allowed to climb over it was tae. and even with him, it took time. don't mistake any of this for me not caring about you, because i do. i love you, hyung, and i have so much respect for you.. which is also why i couldn't face you, even now. but i did hurt you and for that i can't forgive myself.

private: i think we can share the accountability, cause i know damn well neither of us are letting this go. sometimes i feel like you adopted this self critical streak from me. i hear you, i know where you're coming from ... but i don't think i can entirely accept the fact that you were struggling so much internally and i couldn't figure it out. or that i didn't try to stop you from building those walls, or even metaphorically hold your hand through whatever you were dealing with. now that we're all together again, i need you to tell me — how can i help with that? i don't want things to be strained between us, i can't live with that. i want you to be able to forgive yourself, and me as well, so we can move past this thing and be stronger than ever.

joonie hyung! i'm doing good. it has been but i don't mind it at all. i get it hyung, don't worry. i know you always try to stay on top of everything for us. always appreciate it. that's good! i know you do hyung and you know i appreciate you checking in. yes, i've been doing all that. yoongi hyung has been making sure to feed people whenever none of us want to have room service or go out.

i appreciate you appreciating it, all this behind the scenes work can be killer. not that i mind it, i think i've gotten pretty used to it over the years. feels almost normal. but i'm glad to hear you're doing good. damn, yoongi's been cooking and hasn't fed me yet? now i've got another thing to trouble him about, thanks tae.

private: and a large part of me already knew that, but at the same time, whenever i tried to signal that something felt off or that i wasn't making the right decisions, it felt like i was screaming in a room full of people and nobody could hear me. but like i just said, that's on me, and never something i would purposely blame you for. and i think because you've known me since i hit puberty, i grew accustomed to certain behaviours from each of you, so when i suddenly wasn't a priority during a time where i really needed you, i made the fucked up decision to leave the group and i'm so sorry for doing that.. hyung, it wasn't your fault. please stop beating yourself up over it. i realized pretty quickly afterwards that all of this was about me. not jin, not hobi, not yoongi, not tae, not jimin, and definitely not you. i don't expect you to drop everything important in your life just to help a grown ass man every time he's falling apart. that's not your job.. it's mine. but it was never my intention to hurt you.. that's the last thing i ever wanted to do.

private: i'll be honest with you kook, i couldn't tell at all. you seemed happy to me, or at least like ... things weren't that different. maybe just the same kinda fucked up we all felt after being locked away in the military so long. i wish i'd known it was more, and i wish i'd been a bit more attentive. i wish you'd just said anything to me. even if you don't expect me to drop everything for you, you gotta know i would. i would for any of you, in a heartbeat. you all mean the world to me, and being your leader isn't something i've ever taken lightly. the most important part of the job is making sure you're all okay. i know, kook. i know you'd never hurt anyone intentionally, let alone any of us. just like i would never want you to feel alone in anything ever.

private: um.. maybe a little bit? you're not being stupid, hyung, but you need to understand that none of this is because of you, and you can't keep putting the blame on yourself. i think i ended up placing way too much of what i was dealing with onto you. like i needed you to catch me every time i fell, but how could you have known what i was going through when i never actually told you? all of this shit is on me, and now i'm dealing with the aftermath of everything i put you and the rest of the guys through. i just don't want to disappoint you more than i already have.. so yeah, i've been keeping my distance.

private: kookie, i am always there to catch you when you fall. it's a part of being your hyung and your leader. even if i wasn't those things, you mean the world to me. i've seen you since you were a doe eyed fifteen year old kid that didn't know his ass from his face, and i've loved you as a little brother since. it kills me to know i somehow lost my ability to tell when something's going on with you. i always could before, and i blame myself for being too wrapped up in my own shit to notice. i don't want you dealing with anything alone ever again. that's why you have us, yeah? that's why you have me. you could never disappoint me. was i hurt? yeah, of course. but only cause you're my family and i love you.

glad you are checking in, hyungie. yup. been very happy after the two of us figured things out. it's been nice. i'm doing well. no more tears on my end and i'm just glad that all of us are together as a group again.

of course, i worry about you. about all of you, really. yeah? i'm so glad tae, no one deserves it more than the two of you. no more tears is even better. i'm happy we're all back together, too. it's nice to be on stage again as a group, right?

private: i didn't really want to reach out, but a few months back i saw you were going on tour in the states, and a quick google search shows you're not here yet… are the concerts cancelled or something? are you okay? this is also the part where you pretend i'm not still pissed off ( @kmnamjoonrm )

private: we're here now, actually. the tour just got delayed by about a week, it's all good now. i'm ... okay, yeah. i'm okay now. honestly, it was touch and go for a little bit. jungkook wanted to leave, and you know me, i still blame myself. it's okay, mads. you don't have to pretend, and you don't need to check in if you don't want to. but since we're talking — how are you? how have things been?