CYD

new phone, who dis

how can i forget my fake girlfriend??? i’m feeling very offended.

kimbap loves you

would you like to pet it

[ sms: broyo ] by who??

[ sms: broyo ] i knew you were always the damsel in distress

with his face contorted into a disgusted expression, he hovered by your side, straining for your attention as you shuffled through your playlist for a song. “well you’re taking forever with the music right now. this is my dancing face. don’t you like it?” he heaved his shoulders up and scrunched his face more. 

[ sms: $oa ] i don’t see the problem in that 

[Text]: Dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate.

[Text]: My girlfriend/boyfriend/partner went down on me and as she/he/they did she/he/they hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

[Text]: Why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

[Text]: I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

[Text]: Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

[Text]: You got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

[Text]: A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

[Text]: So, apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tan line shaped like your sister/brother.

[Text]: WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH.

[Text]: Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

[Text]: So his/her mom/dad walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him/her off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

[Text]: We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature.

[Text]: If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.

[Text]: Dude. I've never been with a guy/girl who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.

[Text]: Apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him/her...

[Text]: Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.

[Text]: I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way.

[Text]: We are all done wearing pants today.

[Text]: So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.

[Text]: I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.

[Text]: I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozzarella sticks.

[Text]: If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.

[Text]: Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?

[Text]: After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.