Kitty Kat Conversations.

Step one: Stop being a fucking pussy. This is not a drill, this is your fucking life and you are letting it pass by you while assholes who don’t deserve your time walk all over you. 

Step two: Fuck those assholes. Not literally, you’ve done enough of that. You know that girl who hates everyone but you are desperate to make like you because of it? Or the guy who tells you how beautiful you’d be if you lost 10 pounds? Or the friend who only wants to talk when they have news but when you’re having an issue they’re like LOL BYE. Fuck those people. Say goodbye, asshats, I’m outtie. 

Step three: Find your strength. I am a goddamn pegasus of multitasking, a magestical princess of crisis control. Am I organised? Nope. Do I always look 100% Not a fucking chance. But if the ship is sinking will I save all the passengers, save the boat or save myself? Trick fucking question, I’ll do it all because I’m a fucking superhero. Learn your strengths, improve on them, fuck the rest of it. We can’t be perfect, it’s impossible. But we can be great. Go be great. 

Step four: Surround yourself with people who support your strength, enhance it, make you even stronger. Fuck anyone who says it’s a stupid strength (my prowness with a glitter gun is to be admired, not mocked) or tries to make you doubt yourself. Those people are walking buttplugs and they suck. 

Step five: Do the things you say you will. Seriously, being a flake is shitty dickholeness. For me this includes actually updating this blog and standing up fro myself. 

Step six: Stop angry typing and go be the goddamn change you want to see. Or admit that you are fucking angry and tired and eat an oreo, make a to-do list and go to bed early so you can conquer it tomorrow. Procrastinating is okay if you come back stronger. 

Step seven: Love yourself. No explanation needed. 

So here are some bullet point gossip juices that you can expect to be released in the next few days / weeks (there’s a lot guys) 

- Ninja; the end of an epic love story - Adventures in Tinder; episodes 1 -> 1000 - The return of my chef (dun dun dunnnn)  - Progress report on Derek from Finance  - Like, really, PROGRESS.  - Friendship Shenanigans (Friendshipigans?)  - A trip home - “When I think about you I...; a horror story about revisiting old flames via digital means  - Why are men so confusing - Why are men so stupid  - “How many times can I try to explain 2+2 to my manager before I blow my brains out” (a comedy)  - The end of Leopold/Kitty household  - New roommates & the zombie apocalypse  - ... and more!  Hopefully these nuggets of weirdom will catch your fancy and you’ll forgive me (yet again) for my many faults. Mainly my inability to focus on this blog while the world burns down around me. 

More on that later.

How do I get myself into these things. This is the same man who told me definitively that we were not friends. Who has cancelled every plan we’ve ever made because it’s “not fair.”  What am I doing??

If talking to Ninja were a sport it would be volley ball. Mostly because I’m terrible at that too (weak wrists) but also because sometimes the boring conversations (like this one) are just a set up for a real smasher.... so stay tuned. There’s more to this shenaniganfest coming up. 

And I’m a nervous 16 year old again, texting from across the room at a party. 

To be clear this was a mutual friends birthday where we first reunited with some meaningful glances, verbal abuse and a lingering hug before retreating to opposite corners. Someone mentioned they had a spare ticket to a gig the next day and he showed interest and hence the teenage angst driven texting from across a party began. 

I got very drunk. 

Remember this is the first weekend following the breakup of me and Dan. And I might have done something a bit... rash the day before. But one drama at a time! 

Updates to commence shortly. Was busy bathing myself in vodka and glitter and trying to pick up people with girlfriends.

Before you roll your eyes it’s not Dan. 

That one is laid to rest, I promise you. No middle school week long break ups here. 

But there is someone else who has recently wandered back in - anyone who has been here since the beginning of this saga might want to call in their eye roll now. I’ll give you some hints. 

It’s a boy (of course)  I’ve known him for over a decade. I’ve been in love with him for 9 years, 7 months.  And he has broken my heart more times than is possible to count in a lifetime.

Hey there, Ninja. 

Yep. He’s back. Because of course the saga that followed me from home to NYC would follow me to London. Because of course ten years isn’t long enough to learn a simple lesson. 

We’ve seen each other a few times since the last time I wrote about him but they’ve always been in periods of blog inactivity or have left me so whirlwinded that I can’t even start typing. Quick background. 

- we stopped talking again - long distance was helpful in this  - then he moved to London - I moved to London  - every time theres a hometown party we run into each other, barely speak but text from across the room and end up being friendly for a week or two until someone (usually him) walks away again. 

Well. Its happened again. I’ll give you a chance to catch up on the historical texts linked above and post some texts from the party last week where we rekindled the friendship with some leading innuendos for more. 

A while ago I dropped in a cheeky ‘little oops I have an office crush’ post and we briefly mentioned him in Dec 2014 but I haven’t really kept you abreast of the situation. October 2015 we started to get chummy and it was one of those curiousity crushes where he just seemed so aloof that I had to get him to open up and be my friend. Tea breaks, lols in the kitchen, the occasional IM. Nothing serious. Just an office crush.

Come Christmas and suddenly the lols turned into gentle flirting and I sort of kind of invited him to lunch.

So he reneged on those plans but we ended up going another time. A longer post for when I’m not secretly uploading this at work trying to hide it from my colleagues.

Shh, don’t tell.

So, I’ve been debating how to write this post so I’m just going to rip it off real quick. 

As you can probably guess from the title and from the nature of the last post Dan and I have decided to call it quits. 

I’ll back up a bit though. I’ve been mulling on my bath musings a lot lately. As much as I love you guys you weren’t the first ones I expressed those feelings too. It’s been heading downhill for a long time. I decided to have a big conversation with him when I saw him next, just deciding to take that step left me crying over the washing up last Sunday night. Leo was quite alarmed. 

Monday we had plans and went to grab some dinner before heading to a play. I knew going into it that I needed to have a conversation with him but hadn’t decided where that would take us so I packed an overnight bag in case we ended up making another run at it. 

Dinner was great  The drinks at the bar were great I was enjoying my time with him and clinging to him thinking about how I didn’t need to bring anything up. I didn’t need to ruin this perfect snapshot. 

Then he asked me about whether I’d be joining him at an event in a few weeks.

Stomach dropped and I rattled off some excuses before getting saved by the bell. Went into the show. Now the show was marketed as a comedy and it was funny but was more of an interactive multimedia one man show. It was phenomenal. But the whole show is based around this guy being in love with a woman and telling her he needs her through music. And despite loving the show and having a good night with Dan I knew in that moment that there was no way he’d ever love me as much as the comedian loved an imaginary woman he made up for lols. 

After the show we were mean to head back to HD’s place but I asked him to go for a glass of wine and after a few sips of liquid courage I asked the fatal question

His answer? “I’m not unhappy”

At which point I concurred and promptly started to bawl my little bitch baby tears out in front of a lovely Russian couple who (understandably) started to watch as I destroyed my perfectly content shamblethon of a relationship.

It was hard. 

I heard things I knew were true but wasn’t ready to hear yet. Like that Dan has never loved me and knew from the start he’d never marry me. That he was settling. That he had been thinking it for a while. So we called it a day and walked away. I then spent the train ride home sobbing, even though it was my idea to end it.

So it’s done. He’s gone. And it’s for the best. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. That it’s not painful and weird and confusing to no longer be Handsome Dan’s girlfriend. 

It’s time for a new chapter but for now let’s start with today. 

So my post yesterday may have been as cryptic and vague as always but what was probably pretty obvious is that something not so perfect is going on with Handsome Dan.

Where to start when it’s been so long since I’ve been honest with you all?

I’ll start with a bubble bath. No, really. A bath seems like a great place to escape and write what will probably become an epic novel.

I’ll be careful not to drop the phone in the water, promise.

So now that we’re here, how to begin. It doesn’t help that a few years ago I just threw him into KKC without any explanation or background. Then as things became routine it stopped being tumblr worthy. Then I guess it stopped being worthwhile.

Dan is great. He’s generally happy. He always let’s me pick the movie. He never demeans my pain or makes me feel guilty for being my flawed self. He loves his family and has has a great group of friends he’s fiercely loyal to. He has put up with my particular brand of crazy for almost three years and god knows I’d given up all hope of any man doing that long ago. Dan is great.

But Maybe Not For me…

Chris was there for the fall. Roni for the jokes after. 

A little background. Chris is my friend, you met him once. We went on a trip together, I fell and broke a very annoying bone in my foot. I didn’t know this until a week after I got back from vacation when I finally went to the doctor.  I didn’t want to ruin the vacation but ended up ruining the friendship. We don’t speak anymore. Kinda reminds you a bit of another friend I had once, doesn’t it?

It wasn’t just the broken bone of course. After a year of being probably my closest friend something just changed. I don’t know if it was me or him but one day the way we spoke to each other was just... not us. And where we used to have flash in the pan fights all of sudden it was this horribly grating cold war. I have my theories and I’d like to go into it in some old fashioned KKC writing another time but right now I’m just going to leave it here. 

I miss Chris. I wish I’d kept this blog up to date so that you guys could have met him and loved him like I did, because despite the whole put on ego and stubborn-to-a-fault thing, he is a far better man than he gives himself credit for. I’m just not willing to be a casualty in his self discovery anymore.