easier for the owner of LED headlights to pass through the eye of a needle than to enter the kingdom of heaven.

im like if a girl was {undefined variable}. im like if a girl was [fragment missing]. im like if a girl was (editor’s note: the author’s invocation of the word “girl” in this context is idiosyncratic, perhaps metaphorical) im like if a girl was im like if a girl draft deleted! im like if a girl You have reached your free article limit! Subscribe now to continue reading. im like if a girl was [THREAD LOCKED] im like if a girl (ENDING EXPLAINED!) im like if a girl Unusual activity detected, please highlight all the pictures of bicycles. im like if a girl I don’t respond to prompts that could be deemed offensive, and so I am unable to carry out the request. im-like-if-a-girldeactivated03092023. im like if a girl we are unable to take your call at the minute. im like if a girl isn’t registered under that name. im like if a girl could give you her date of birth. im like if a girl oh yes we have you under […]. im like if a girl LOST CONNECTION

The microbes inside me are pleased by my yogurt offering. I live another day.

Its weird for me to think that dolphins existed at the same time as queens and knights and shit like that. I feel like dolphins were invented in the 80s by crystal shops to sell porcelain statues to divorced women

why do they call it extra virgin olive oil when it fucks so extremely

You are angry about something. “Clam down,” I text you. You assume I have made a typo, but in fact I am holding a small soldier clam in my hands. He died so young. War is hell

lord forgive me but I may have to make a nonessential purchase

the mitochondria is the girlboss of the cell

The audacity of calling it family dollar when they sell shit for $7... they need to family pass away

the problem with horror now is there is no men in little tank tops and booty shorts

sex scenes in movies are bad because the moving image is inherently evil. simple as.

unplugging your phone from the charger is like picking a fruit.

God gives his silliest battles to his funniest clowns

i think i’m going to become an unreliable narrator. if you see me obscuring the full truth or saying things that directly contradict each other, don’t worry about it.

never forget what green onion has done for you.. for all of us

the two genders are “i no longer wish to be perceived” and “i have to be the most fuckable person at the grocery store”