king cesar.

“that’s unfortunate, but you should’ve pushed her off, probably. make that instinct. but, tried?”

“push her? that’s mean...i told her, no, and she would stop for a bit before just doing it again. and then that’s when her dude came over and got in my face and threatened to kick my ass. ..which i’m sure he would have..”

“ — oh. well, i’m sorry all of that happened to you. none of that sounds very fair. especially not the angry boyfriend. …you didn’t get hurt, right ? nobody got hurt ? ”

“besides the fact that i wanted to crawl into a hole and die, no..i’m fine. i just ended up leaving like a loser, em.”

“Were you sober at this party?”

“about halfway in-between...wait, why does it matter? i didn’t lead her on...although i didn’t say no. ...i just..it’s not my fault!”

“you’re too much, boo boo. my number one is my one and only! plus, i don’t have any time for anything serious with how much they work me. you will always be my man of honor, no going back. then your future someone’s got a huge task in front of them!”

“t, you have to have personal time. it can’t always be about work. ...says the guy who works at forever 21, but still...all of this you’ve got goin’ on can’t go to waste. i feel like my future someone will have to go through this huge test from you and noelle..”

“absolutely, i mean look at this beauty..” cesar leaned over with his phone, revealing a picture of himself. “i mean..i’m just amazing..”

“how do you know she’s gonna be there every time you take the subway though? what if you commit to taking the subway everyday, but then she decides she wants a calves and quads workout and starts walking everywhere?”

“i mean...then i guess i’m shit out of luck? way to crush my heart. this was just a joke by the way. the person i fell for today was me..”

“yes, rude ass. i’ve been nothing but good to you and this is how you repay me.” she pouted playfully, though it quickly faded at his next words. “listen, i’m an angel either way, so i’ll take it. my halo might glow red, but it’s a halo nonetheless. you’re not that innocent yourself, hotshot.”

“but you love me though, so...i can be rude to you. also, ew, i’m not rude. name a time when i was rude? tell me, tell me.. i’m the nicest person on the planet. i’m like...the male mother teresa...father..tereso? tyrese? whatever, you know what i’m talking about..”

“but do you really want to risk running into the rest of the scum on the subway? i mean, think about it. is one person really worth seeing the naked cowboy or the crack dealers?”

“i see him almost everyday and crack dealers...probably the same amount. ...you just turned this glorious moment into something way too heavy..”

“ oh, heh. no, no it could’ve been funny, if i didn’t RUIN it. god, i’m so stupid. well, it’s a good thing you have a lot of time to figure it out. and when you meet that special person, you’ll know. it just — hits you. at least, that’s what i hope. …i really hope it can still be like that. ”

“why would you say that? don’t ever call yourself stupid, gorgeous. it’s not that serious. just a bad joke, don’t stress. you’re not stupid. ...eh, i guess? i have a lot to come to terms with myself before i can even think of finding that special person. for now, i’ll just settle for myself and beyonce..”

“oh please. it’s hard to believe that when you spend all day around 6 foot stick thin models who are the definition of beauty. but thanks, boo. no operation needed, you’re my boo whether you like it or not. of course! they were just going to throw it out and that would’ve been such a waste. they better love you enough to spoil you even more than i am!”

“i would choose you over them any day, gorgeous! you know, if i were into women. i mean, i’m always going to be number one but we need to find your one and only. i wanna be your...man of honor? or whatever you would call it. i don’t think it’s possible for anyone to spoil me more than you and noelle do, though..”

“yas, that’s so much better and what i want to hear. hon, you look amazing every day. you slay my existence and it’s honestly not fair. were you wearing that new saint laurent leather jacket i brought you from work? because i’d be feeling myself too if i had that on.”

“uh, are you kidding? you’re absolutely stunning, tiana, seriously. operation ‘find you a boo’ is in full effect. i was actually, thanks again for that. you have to stop spoiling me because if i ever find someone, i’m gonna expect them to spoil me as much as you are..”

“that’s because you don’t actually know who i am, but like you said, it’s fine. bro, honestly, if you like girls that’s cool. if you don’t, that’s cool too. i just noticed i asked if you got a picture of “her” without even knowing if that’s what you were into or not. and you replied with “they”. so that’s why i’m saying i was a bit insensitive. either way, live your life. did you have to initiate conversation or was it kind of mutual? i need someone to teach me how to be a gentleman.”

“i did? ...this was just supposed to be a joke of me seeing my reflection and falling in love with myself. but you saying that you were insensitive proves you’re not really a douchebag. i’m cesar, by the way and this was just another lame conversation starter. you really need gentleman lessons? i think if i looked like you, i honestly wouldn’t care about being a gentleman...”

“yes, that’s the number one reason. i don’t know what you’re trying to insinuate, cesar, but i’m not okay with it. a devil? see, i don’t understand why you call me that. i am literally an angel.”

“me? insinuate something about you? never! ..can you tell i’m being sarcastic?” cesar’s eyes widened at her next set of words. “girl?! i’m not playing this game with you. you’re an angel alright, a fuckin’ fallen angel.”

“i’ve taken the subway every day since moving here four years ago and i’ve yet to find the love of my life! i’m hurt, mta, deeply hurt… but you can make it better by telling me all about this eye candy. don’t you dare leave out a single detail.”

“really tiana? you think i would keep this from you? i would have called you the second we made eye contact and had you coach me on what to do. but the person i fell in love with today on the subway was myself...i looked amazing this morning...”

“excuse me, that was insensitive. didn’t mean to assume you liked girls. but awesome! makes me happy to know that not everyone is a douche bag like me and actually wants to have someone special in their life. good on you, bro.”

“well, i wouldn’t say you were a douchebag and it’s fine, honestly i-....wait, what? i do...like girls...”