26?
I was hopeful for 25. As I'm hopeful for all my birthdays. But this year is different. I am lost. In one thousand ways. I am petrified. I am hopeless. I am numb. I am relentlessly searching for the moment where this whole fucking life thing "clicks" for me, but I'm having doubts that it ever will. I am nostalgic for my past. I am empty when looking at my future. I don't see one. I don't know one. I don't have hope for a good one. I don't even know what a good future would look like for me. I don't know if I deserve a partner in life. I don't know if I deserve the life that I want for myself. I don't know how to get there, either. I am bitter towards myself for letting go of so many good things. My marriage. My friends. My time. My self. My space. I am a shell. And nothing more. Are people supposed to have life plans? When do things line out? I feel like I'm now the friend amongst my peers with no sense of direction, no sense of purpose. I'm tired of giving giving giving giving giving of myself with little to no thanks. I'm tired of stretching myself thin for other people. I'm tired of living with someone who makes me feel lesser. I'm tired of being walked over. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of giving so many things to so many people and hardly getting anything in return. And that makes me sound selfish as hell. That I must receive back what I give in order for fairness or my joy or whatever. But that's not it. My spirit is crushed. My mind is battling. I empty myself to help those around me to the point that I am a weak fragment of who I once was. And maybe this is 4:00am talking. Maybe this is legs sore from walking all day talking. Maybe this is depression talking. Maybe maybe maybe. I am not happy. I do not see myself becoming happy. I do not see my life becoming anything more than it is now. And if not, what's the point? I am alone. I am fucking exhausted. I am afraid. I do not want to be here.
