Three Month Trial at Life on My Own

Sorry that I haven’t written in awhile, but things have been very mellow and relaxing as of late so I didn’t feel a dire need to write anything down. Clearly something has happened today to change that.

I played in the National Dodgeball Championships over the weekend and had a great time! I haven’t been this happy in such a long time but of course all of that came down in flames when I got to work yesterday and my husband began messaging me on facebook. 

Let me preface by saying that the national tournament was streamed live via youtube all weekend long...

He began asking how my weekend was, and I answered politely saying how much fun it was and that I hurt my wrist so couldn’t participate in one event and he acted as if he couldn’t care less about me getting an injury... as usual. So I asked if he watched the live stream of the tournament at all, and his response,

“Nah, I had better things to do...”

Alright then... feelings officially hurt.. no not hurt... my entire self esteem murdered. He claims to be so supportive of me, but when I play in the biggest tournament of the year... a national event... one that pins me as being a professional athlete... he had “better things to do...” Not sure how that’s supposed to make me feel, but I felt pretty damn shitty.  You know, I would’ve actually felt better had he said that he tried to log into the stream for a few minutes at least and didn’t see me so gave up. Cause at least that would’ve showed that he cared enough to TRY. 

So I told him how much it hurt me that he didn’t care enough to support me during the event when my entire office had it on during work and got really into it. My mom even braved technology and watched all weekend long even though two of the days I wasn’t on camera hardly at all. But she watched anyway just in case I walked across the screen even... Those people are supportive.  So I’m already pretty hurt that he didn’t bother to watch, but then he tells me at the end of the conversation,

“Honestly, I chose not to watch out of spite.”

After all of this took place, I ended the conversation and told him that I was closer than ever to wanting all of this to just be over and done with. So the rest of my day goes on and I wake up this morning to find that he tagged me in a Facebook post.

This post had this paragraph about if anyone missed seeing my “amazing dodgeball skills” over the weekend he made a google doc with all the links to the specific times I was playing and how proud of me he is... WTF! 

I know, I know... there are probably a bunch of people reading this saying how much of a heartless bitch I am at the moment for not seeing how grand a gesture this is showing that he cares and such... but no!  That’s not what this is at all.  He made this public post so that all the world sees it and thinks how supportive of a husband he is.  No one seeing that post knows the nasty comments he made to me the day before or knows that he didn’t watch it live, and that he went back and combed through the footage just so he could say he watched. 

There’s also the fact that in a lot of the footage/games, I didn’t play that well. I got out, or I threw a ball that got caught... things I’m not proud of nor would I want in a highlight reel.  So why would I want my failures posted publicly for all to easily access and see?

Am I overreacting to this? I feel like every time he talks to me I end up feeling like complete shit and that if I’m having a good day it immediately goes downhill.  All I can say is, thank goodness I have therapy today... :(

I know I used this quote already, but it means more to me now than ever...

Good morning world!

I told myself when I started this little project, that I’d only write when I felt the need.  Clearly at the beginning there was a big need and I felt like I needed to express myself fairly often.  Well thirteen days have passed since I last expressed myself and let me say, this is much needed at the moment.

As far as missing my husband goes... I still don’t. Every now and then I let my mind wonder slightly and I begin to think about how much easier it would be just to stay with him, but it actually physically upsets me to the point where I feel sick to think of going back to being unhappy.  He and I actually had a talk one night where he came over to the house to do some stuff he needed to do for home-brewing, and it was a good talk.  He promised me a lot of things if we got back together.

Key words: “IF we got back together, THEN I’ll...”

For instance, “If we get back together, we can get a gym membership and start working out together, because I know that you want me to start working out and get in better shape.”  Well... I’m sorry, but shouldn’t he be doing that now to show me that he is serious about it? I’ve been married to him for just over a year, but have been with him for almost 5 (come November)... anytime he has ever tried to start something that involves physical exercise or fitness, he bails after about a month. I just don’t trust him to truly change because he wants to change, but only because he wants me back and will continue some sort of charade until he gets comfortable in our marriage again.

I know there’s definitely someone out there thinking, “You should give him a chance to prove that he will follow through.” To that person, I say, maybe you’re right, everyone deserves a chance, but I’ve given him many chances and have been telling him for well over a year that he should exercise or play sports or something to stay healthy to no avail. His chance is NOW while this separation is taking place. It’s not fair to either of us to have promises made that could easily be broken.

In other news, my husband still tries to control many aspects of my life. He frustrated me very much one night by telling me what temperature I should have the AC set at, and telling me that I had it way too hot in the house for our dog, and that we had mice and I had to get that rectified immediately (which isn’t a lie, but all he had to say was, “Hey I think there’s a mouse.”) I’m pretty sure I would’ve figured out that I should set some traps... or actually Nah! I want some furry little rodent pets in my house... COME ON MAN!

This mice problem was brought to my attention the day after my last post on here so the 11th... I set two traps immediately when I got home from work that day. They ate all the peanut butter off the traps without setting them off... so I went and bough some of the traps that spin shut when the mouse goes in and still haven’t caught them. My husband asked me yesterday if he could ask some questions about the house... I asked him in return if he was asking things that were actually just checking up on me to make sure I didn’t f*ck up or if they were legit questions about something... He said just general curiosity questions... ok ask away!

Question 1: “Did you ever do anything about the mice? You can’t let this go, they are going to become an infestation. You have to do something now.”

Answer 1: “Yes, set traps immediately when you told me, when those didn’t work I got different traps and haven’t caught anything yet.”

Response to answer 1: “You clearly aren’t doing something right.”

Ummm... ok?

Question 2: “Have you mowed the yard at all in the month of August?”

Answer 2: “Haven’t had time, doing it today since it’s not raining for the first time that I’m available and home this month.”

Response to answer 2: “You’ve been really irresponsible about keeping up with things.”

My response: “Gee thanks!”

Those questions really didn’t have anything to do about the house... as always they were questions to check up on me to make sure that I’m not slacking off and ensuring as always that he has some sort of control over me... Am I crazy for thinking this? I try to look at it from his perspective of why he questions me and is always checking up on me, but all I see is that he wants to keep his control and ensure that IF we do get back together, he’s not coming back to chaos. I don’t understand why he doesn’t trust me to be an adult... Ugh!

Welp, I’ll start by saying it could’ve been worse. Our couple’s therapy session was actually the best one we’ve had, but that’s really not saying much considering all of our sessions have been disastrously horrible. In fact, the therapist actually took my side in regards to whether or not it was okay if I decide I don’t want to have children. She said it’s okay to not want kids, that it’s my choice. Granted, this did not make my husband happy because that’s one of our big issues.

When we got married I thought I definitely wanted 2 children, but over time, I’ve realized I really don’t... or at least for now I don’t. My mind might change a million times before I’m ready to make that final decision. But to base an entire marriage off of what I said when we were dating is kind of crazy. I feel like he should understand if I don’t want to put my body through that for 10 months and then go through the 18 years of hardships afterwards. It’s some hard core scary shit.

Before even writing this post, I know that it’s going to be a two parter. How do I know this? Well for starters my husband has been messaging me for the past couple hours and it’s taken a toll on my emotions. Not in the sense that it’s making me rethink my decisions at the moment or making me sad/depressed, but actually just frustrating me and pissing me off. 

He keeps questioning why I’m giving him this false hope of staying together and the only answer I could give was that I’m still holding onto the possibility that I’ll really miss him and want him back... so far that hasn’t been the case though. I think my real problem, and I just am too scared to admit to him is that I’m still scared of the unknown of being alone and losing all the “nice” things that I have right now... once again so shallow.... I Know! But it’s like I’m also hanging on to the experiences that I’ll miss sharing with him. So he brought up the fact that he was looking forward to certain experiences we were going to share together soon, so why can’t we still have them? I told him that they wouldn’t be good experiences to have together because of the place we are both in, and he just didn’t get it. He didn’t understand how I could go from being excited to do something like Disney with him next month, to not wanting to go with him anymore just cause of the “place we are in.”  I don’t know how to explain it other than, if I don’t enjoy spending time with you, you’re going to make the “Happiest Place on Earth” pretty darn miserable.

Also, another reason today is most definitely going to be a two parter, is because we have our first couples therapy session since the separation. I think I’ve mentioned this in previous posts but this therapist is a B****! I’ll check my previous posts later to check whether or not I’ve written about her charming personality, cause it’s something else! None of our therapy sessions have gone particularly well and I’ve noticed that every time we have a session, my husband tends to piss me off via Facebook messenger before we go. This, in turn, makes for very poor and unproductive sessions.

Tonight has been a bad night. This has been the first night where I didn’t have any plans with friends, any chores that needed done, and that I was a little sad to be alone.  What does this mean? Does this mean I’m not going to be okay on my own? Am I going to go into depression? So many things are flying through my mind right now...

Should I take him back? Did I make a mistake? In my heart, I feel like I made the right decision in doing this trial separation. Aside from tonight, I haven’t been this happy in over a year.  But in my gut, I feel like maybe I’m making a mistake.  I feel like I’m giving up so much just for the sake of being “happy”, when in turn, I might be worse off than I am right now and I’d be losing all the nice things in my life and things I’d be able to do if I stayed with him. That sounds really shallow... but it’s a legit concern.  How do people make decisions like this? :(

So as you all can see, I haven’t written anything since my hump day post on Wednesday. To be completely honest, that’s because there hasn’t been all that much to write about.  I’m not the type of blogger who is going to write about my day if nothing eventful happened and try to make my life seem super interesting... that’s not my style at all.  I was also pretty busy this weekend and not near a computer 95% of the time.  So here’s just a super quick recap of my weekend!

Thursday was mainly a hard core workout day for me.  Went to work, went for a run with my dog, went to the gym, went to my kickball game (which I kicked ass in and had a diving catch at first base!), went home, went to bed, and that was pretty much it.

Friday was another basic day, but 2 of my good friends came over and we went out to dinner and then went pokemon hunting at a Lake nearby that’s full of pokestops. It’s a little scary to go at night, not going to lie, but luckily having two guys with me made that slightly less frightening. Also, going at night brings out some different pokemon, so well worth it!

Saturday was sooooo busy! My friend’s had a party and I got recruited to help... ok I might’ve volunteered as payment for allowing me to bring my dog to the party. But it was a really fun day full of drinking, cornhole, beer pong, and friends! Made some new friends, had a blast with old friends, and made stronger connections with people that I wanted to get to know better. All-in-all, Saturday was awesome!

Finally up to Sunday... for most of the day I slept off my Saturday, haha. Did venture out later in the afternoon to go Pokemon hunting, but Sunday mainly involved relaxing.

Overall, I had a really fun weekend and didn’t hear from my husband at all. Maybe that means he had a really good weekend too? So far, we are exactly one week into the separation and I haven’t looked back yet. We have our first therapy session since the separation started this Wednesday, so I’m sure that will be an interesting day.

Happy Hump Day y’all!  Today has been an overall great day and it feels so great to say I’m already over halfway done with this week and still doing fine!

My husband actually stopped by the house today to grab a few things.  I thought that maybe it would be emotional on his part and awkward on mine, but it wasn’t too bad.  He remarked on how nice the house looked (remember me going balls to the walls with cleaning on Monday?) and also made the remark, “How come it was never this clean when I lived here?”  as well as several other back-handed compliments as he walked around noticing how tidy and organized I had made everything since he left.  Lucky for me, I had to leave shortly after he arrived to go to Happy Hour nearby with a good girlfriend of mine. 

I’ve determined that no matter who I go with, Pub Dog never disappoints as far as Happy Hours go, but also the conversations and good times I have with the people I go with are AMAZING and today was no exception.  Today’s happy hour helped me learn that I’m NOT the only one who is going through this sort of thing.  What’s funny is, that my friend’s boyfriend and my husband both are in the same profession and even though I never thought their personalities were that similar when we all would hang out, they actually are the same exact person when it comes to relationships.  The similarities we discussed were uncanny and then through further discussion discovered that another girlfriend of ours has a fiancé ALSO in the same profession who ALSO treats her the exact same way we are treated.  There seems to be a pattern... so ladies... word to the wise.. stay away from Electrical Engineers!

Fun side note: Some guy (maybe in his late thirties?) approached our table and wouldn’t leave us alone towards the end of our 5-hour long Happy Hour.  He seemed a little scumbag-ish talking about how he loves his pregnant wife and 3 year old son while hitting on both of us. Guess what his profession is... Did you guess Electrical Engineer? Then you are correct! ;)

Overall, today was a great day and it was so good to get to talk to someone who is feeling the same way I am. Her situation may be a little different, but the feelings, trials, and tribulations are all the same. I hope that both of us are able to walk through this journey together over the next couple months and be there to support one another no matter what each of our final outcomes may be.

Well, it took all of one day for my husband to start getting on my case about something causing a fight. One of our biggest issues has always been finances. He wants to control every aspect of them and constantly interrogates me about 90% of the purchases I make that show up in our joint checking account.  To be questioned weekly about purchases is extremely stressful to me and makes me feel like there is a lack of trust but also that he just has to know where I am, what I’m doing, and with whom am I doing things at all time... control.  So, it’s only natural that this would be what our first fight during the separation would be about.

He waited all day to start the conversation until I got off work and started on the million things I wanted to accomplish during the afternoon. I hate being interrupted and stopping what I’m doing by having to answer text message. Especially, when that interruption is coming from someone who is supposed to be giving me my space. Anyway.. he is messaging me in regards to no longer questioning me about purchases I make and thinks he has a solution.  That solution is to give me an “allowance” each month where I can spend that allowance on anything I want and not be questioned as to what it is.

... an allowance? Am I ten years old? Maybe I’m overreacting but this idea ticked me off.  1.) I already have a credit card that I use when I don’t want him knowing what I’m buying (this isn’t me being sneaky, I got it to use for buying Christmas and birthday gifts - but may have recently used it when buying things like clothes that I was scared he’d yell at me for buying... things like that)... but I already have this credit card, as I was saying. 2.) He will still question me about all the other purchases he sees coming out of the joint account.  So literally nothing would change. In fact, he would gain MORE control over me by giving me an “allowance” to spend without question and then still be able to interrogate me every week about what I bought at the grocery store on Sunday... It’s bullshit!

Long story short - After fighting back and forth for about an hour and him telling me I’m being so abrasive, I told him to leave me alone because I have stuff to get done and he left it with a short, “Bye.”  I knew if I continued on in that conversation, I was going to go to a bad place, and after a rough work day, that was the last thing I wanted to do.  I WILL NOT be controlled.

The rest of my evening was really relaxing. I got dinner with a good friend of mine and watched wrestling on TV.  I didn’t think about the fight all night and went to bed feeling at peace with the world. 

Good morning!

I struggled with the concept of writing on this blog more than once a day, but thanks to one of my best friends, she assured me that I should let all my thoughts out as soon as I feel necessary.  Let me say, it’s necessary now.  So here goes!

I’m not entirely sure what I’ve been feeling this morning, but it hasn’t been a good feeling, that’s for sure. I’m not sad... I am positive of that, and I don’t think I’m depressed or upset in general.  It’s like I’m in this weird funk right now where I can’t focus on my work and I just wanna go home, lay down, and take a nap. I guess everyone, even the happiest of people, feel like this once in awhile, but I don’t like when a feeling like this affects how I conduct myself in the office.  I was supposed to help with a training, and I asked my coworker to take over for me because I just didn’t feel up to it. I was legit worried that I might burst into tears in the middle of teaching this guy how to use this tool... which wouldn’t be very professional.

Typically, I’d be talking to one of my best friends on Facebook chat, as I do every single day, but that person isn’t very responsive today.  I’ve always found this particular person to be almost like a therapist to me. Always giving me words of wisdom, telling me I’m worth more than I think I am sometimes, and in general just being an all-around really good friend and human being. Today feels like one of those times where I just want this person to be super responsive and there for me, but when they don’t answer, I panic.  I worry that they may be tired of “dealing with my shit” and no longer want to be my friend.  I know this may seem like an irrational fear but given my history, it’s not all that crazy to have this level of anxiety for something as simple as an unresponsive chat.

Abandonment Issues - Story #1

I have crazy bad abandonment issues. This has become more of a recent thing in the past year but has affected me in a truly negative way.  I’ll only talk about a really important person who I felt abandoned me for now.. Maybe in future posts I’ll get into it more.  Right before getting married, my husband’s (then: fiance’s) sister, who was my best friend, the peanut butter to my jelly, the mac to my cheese, blah blah blah... moved out of her parent’s house (a mere 15 minutes away from our house) and into the city (Baltimore - more like 30 min away without traffic.... there’s ALWAYS traffic...).  I know that doesn’t seem like it’s that far away or a big deal, but having someone in close proximity to hang out with at the drop of a hat was nice, especially with her being my maid of honor and best friend... it was great being so close! Once she moved, it was obvious we were growing apart. She invited me and her mom up to her place once right after she moved to have dinner at her place.  I don’t particularly like going into the city, but for her I would’ve done anything seeing as she was about to become my family.  This first dinner was at the end of May... she invited me up to her place again in September to go out for my birthday.  After the wedding, we only hung out a handful of times throughout the summer and our conversations became more and more dispersed. On that fateful September Friday night when I came up to Baltimore for my birthday, everything officially changed between us.

I brought my dog with me because I was going to leave from her place the next morning to go to my parent’s house in PA. I didn’t want a big “to do” for my birthday, in fact, I hate my birthday. Nothing good ever comes of it and I’d almost rather ignore it every year - I’m sure I’ll go more in depth with this when my birthday comes around in September :) - no need to repeat any of it now for you. Anyway... she invited a few of our mutual friends (most of them were my husband’s fraternity brothers from college that she frequently f***s... shoot I mean hangs out with).  She also invited one of her best friends who came up from Atlanta, GA to see her, her friend’s brother came, and one of my good guy friends drove up from DC. I thought that it was going to be a really fun night with this group of people.  We pre-gamed at her house for several hours, then decided to hit the bars til close. We went to the bar and the whole time she was stuck in a corner with one of my husband’s frat bros. This particular frat bro seemed very nice, I knew that my sister in law was interested in him for more than just sex, but he had told her several times that he only wanted a casual hookup and nothing more. Therefore, I didn’t particularly like that he was holding her hand, hanging all over her, and acting as if they were “together”. He was being a total cock block. 

Well finally around 1am, he and his buddy decide they are going to walk home and they leave. Finally, I can hang out with my best friend and she won’t keep ignoring the four of us (those of us not in a fraternity)... Then her phone rings and it’s the guy who just left.  I won’t go into the details of the phone conversation that took place, but here’s what happened next - she left. We follow her out of the bar and she tells us to go to a diner down the street from her house because she’s going to meet the guy on her doorstep because he apparently needs to talk to her. So she leaves the four of us on a street corner in Baltimore and we walk to a diner and get food. She abandoned us... she ditched 4 of her close friends, 2 of which are supposed to be her “best friends” for a guy who didn’t care about her at all but just wanted to get laid.

We walk back to her house and are locked out. We begin banging on the door and can hear my dog desperately whining and barking inside. She sticks her head out her window and looks down at us standing on the sidewalk and tells us she’ll be down in a sec. 15 minutes later... the door opens and my dog runs out to greet me clearly relieved that I’m back, peeing all over the sidewalk because no one took him out to pee since before we had left for the bar 5 hours prior.  I took him to the bathroom, came back to find that the GA best friend and her brother decided they were going to drive back to their parents’ house and my good friend was passed out on the couch already. I find my sister in law sitting on her unkempt bed - the bed I was supposed to share with her that night - with the guy who is putting on his shirt and shoes.

After that night, things were never the same. Our already dwindling conversations became even more scarce and it got to the point where I couldn’t stand to be around her because I was so hurt and angered by how she abandoned us that night for a guy who didn’t treat her the way she deserved to be treated. We went to Columbus, OH to see Maryland Terrapins play the Buckeyes in football (Note: We beat the spread in that game!) and her and I almost got into a fist fight.  Things continued to get worse between us and our facebook chats became almost non-existent and then completely gone after we had a falling out on Easter 2016 (due to my husband being an asshole to her in the car) and we haven’t really spoken but maybe two or three times since, and those times were in person at family functions.

I lost the person who I thought was going to be my best friend and sister for life.  The night she officially abandoned me was just the first of many times she was going to unknowingly do this to me. I’ve never healed from that. I still hold a lot of anger and resentment towards her. Sometimes I feel that, if her and I were still best friends, maybe her brother and I wouldn’t be in the situation we are because I’d be more upset about losing her as a sister.  Part of me is really hurt by the fact that with all this happening and her brother  moving out of the house, she hasn’t reached out to me once in this entire time to just ask how I was doing or if I was even ok.  It’s sad that our relationship came to this. 

If she ever finds this blog and decides to read it, I’d like for her to know that I’ve missed her and that I’m sorry for how our friendship ended. I’m sorry for hurting her brother and even though we may no longer be friends nor family, I hope that if we pass each other in the street someday, we don’t try to avoid each other and are able say, “Hey” without bitter resentment and hatred.  Hopefully this won’t be our final goodbye.

I had intended this post to be a quick insight into my mind - not this book that I’ve spilled onto the page - about this weird funk I was in all morning and didn’t know or understand why... I think that just sitting here and writing out my feelings helped me realize exactly why.  It’s amazing how therapeutic writing can be. I finally feel like I’ll be able to focus on work and can move on with my day in a much better mood.

Today is the first day that I am completely on my own.  It was a pretty uneventful day in all honesty.  I’m grateful that it was a Monday and I was able to go to work and keep myself busy all day long.  In fact, today was one of the busiest days I’ve had at work in well over a month. It was great! 

I told several of my close co-workers/friends that my husband moved out officially and they were nothing short of supportive and ready to cheer me up if needed. Luckily, it was not needed.  I didn’t feel any sadness while at work. But then again, I’ve always loved going to this job.  I’ve actually told people that I enjoy being at work more than I do at home, and that was due to the fact that I didn’t want to be around my husband... horrible.. I know... But it was the cold hard truth in my heart. 

During the workday, my husband started messaging me on Facebook. I immediately panicked and thought, Oh no... he’s going to tell me how much he missed me, it’s going to make me feel bad, and I’m going to cry at work.  He didn’t tell me he missed me, though. He asked how I was doing, (I told him I was doing alright) and he said he was doing pretty well and got a great night of sleep. He seemed like he was doing okay.  That made me really happy. We didn’t talk much more about how we were doing or about “us” in general, but just knowing he was doing okay felt good.  

Per the instructions of all my good friends and co-workers who have gone through separations and divorces, I knew that it was imperative to keep myself moving and busy once I got home... So I did. From the time I entered the house til right now as I’m typing this, I did a plethora of chores around the house, took the dog for a walk, worked out, cleaned different parts of the house, tidied up, started this blog, and made meals for the rest of the week. Needless to say, I’m feeling pretty electric right now that I was able to accomplish so much in 6 hours.  As I put my best effort forward to not stop moving and keep busy today, all I could think about was Dory’s famous line in Finding Nemo.

As my night is winding down, I look forward to crawling into bed with my dog, reading for a bit, then falling asleep with the tv on (something I haven’t been able to do since I started living with my husband 3.5 years ago).  Day 1 is almost officially over and ya know what... it wasn’t that bad. :) 

Before we get into the first day of the trial separation, I feel it necessary to write about how I dealt with him moving out of the house over the weekend. 

First of all, I put forth my best efforts to avoid being in the house during any time where he or his parents were here moving things out and back into their home. He did not take all of his possessions seeing as this is only meant to be a trial, but he did have his parents help him with a lot of the heavy lifting.  I was gone all of Friday evening into Saturday afternoon as I went to a concert with some friends and then crashed on their couch after. I managed to only be home with my husband at the same time Saturday afternoon for a total of 90 minutes give or take, and then I went to DC for another concert and didn’t return until after 2am Sunday morning. Here’s where the real move out day begins for me and everything sinks in. 

After having a very late night, I manage to sleep in until 11am Sunday morning. This is a rarity for me, but I needed the sleep.  I come downstairs with my dog, who stayed in bed with me, (I should mention that after returning from Europe, I began sleeping in our guest room and have ever since.) and no one is here. I check my phone and see that there are several messages from my husband, but nothing saying where he was going. After feeling ZERO emotion for months, I finally felt a twinge of something... sadness. Is that what we have become? Leaving after 4.5 years without a “goodbye”? I couldn’t believe it... so I texted him and found out that he got called into work, thus delaying his final move.  Feeling of relief settled in...

I passed the afternoon by reading the 8th installment of the Harry Potter series. In this time, my husband returned home and began packing the rest of his possessions that he considered to be “essential”. Finally, the time came at 4:45 pm on July 31, 2016. He loaded everything into the car, said he’ll talk to me later, and pulled away. 

I sat there dumbfounded for about 30 seconds watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 on tv and of course it’s the part where Hedwig dies and I lose it.  I finally did something that I have yet to do in regards to this entire situation... I cried... no, I BAWLED my eyes out for the better part of an hour. I had no idea what was going on.  I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. I surely did not miss him. I wasn’t even upset that he was gone. I was upset that I was officially alone and financially responsible for myself. All the thoughts and realizations of, “How the hell am I going to support myself?”, “How am I going to survive on my own?”, and “Why am I giving up this lush lifestyle?” whirled through my head in a mix of tears and snot.. (Sorry, I warned you this would be raw). 

After about 15 minutes of this, I decided to text one of my good friends who knew everything about the situation and has been through a divorce to let her know that he left and I wasn’t doing as well as I had hoped. She told me something that I know is going to help me get through this in the early stages. 

“One hour at a time. Screw the one ‘day’ at a time concept.” 

Hi there! My name is Kim and I am a twenty-something year old who married what I thought was the man of my dreams just over a year ago.  Everything seemed perfect in my life.  I had one of the greatest and most beautiful weddings imaginable, my family loves my husband as if he is their own, and my in-laws are some of the nicest people I’ve known.  We have a lovely house, an adorable dog, make decent money for our age, and live in a great area. Literally... any girl in my situation would be thrilled with this life. That’s wherein my problem begins.  Almost immediately after the wedding bells rang, the ring was slipped on my finger, and we said, “I do” my husband changed and I quickly found that I was not as “in love” with him as I felt I should be for being a newlywed.  In regards to how he changed, he became more controlling, obsessed with our finances and joint bank account, pretentious, and for lack of a better term, a dick.  I quickly found myself becoming less and less attracted to him as a person, and especially as my husband.

We went to three went to two other weddings last year aside from our own, and those newlyweds act as newlyweds should in my opinion. They always want to be together and being apart is one of the worst things imaginable. They post selfie upon selfie on social media doing things together, being in love, and maybe one of the things that stood out to me more than anything was that for birthdays, anniversaries, etc... they would write long paragraphs about how much they loved one another, couldn’t live without the other, and enjoy spending every waking moment together now and for the rest of their lives.  It pains me to say this, but I found myself having the hardest time showing my husband this affection.  In fact, I realized approaching my husband’s birthday, that I couldn’t even find words to write him a sweet message on his Facebook.  

Furthermore, I’ve never (even before marriage) enjoyed sexual intercourse with him.  That is my fault. I should’ve said something much sooner so that we could maybe rectify the situation, but instead I had it in my mind that he was a nice guy and that made up for the lack of sexual chemistry.  I have since learned, this is not the case and if you do not have that chemistry and passion with someone, move on and find someone that you do or else you will be unhappy.

Which brings me to how I got into this situation in the first place. We recently took a trip to Iceland, France, and Belgium at the end of May and all of my feelings, my lack of attraction to the man I married, and my unhappiness that had been building for almost a year finally came vomiting out of me in the streets of Paris.  I told him how I’ve been unhappy for the past year, and how something must be wrong with me.  I told him how I was not attracted to him and quickly falling out of love with him.  I felt like the biggest b**** in the world. How could I stand here, in Paris, and break this man’s heart? I literally stood there seeing him fall apart and I did nothing except continue talking.  But it had to be done, I couldn’t keep being unhappy. I didn’t want everything to come out at the specific time and place; I wanted to wait until we got back from the trip, but my husband was able to tell that something was really off and forced it out of me.  Needless to say, the rest of the trip was miserable and awkward. 

After returning to the states, we talked out some options and I started seeing a therapist for myself and have since found out A LOT about who I am, what makes me tick, and what my weaknesses are as a human being.  We, as a couple, also began attending marriage counseling to try and fix our relationship. Unfortunately, the couples counseling was not near as enlightening as my personal therapy, and in turn, began driving me further away.  

Finally, we are to the point where I was ready to ask for a divorce. I couldn’t continue being unhappy like this and after a very bad marriage counseling session, I finally said that I don’t believe we can fix our problems and think we should try a 3-month trial separation to give each other some space.  Clearly, having bad therapy sessions, then coming home together to then be berated for what was said in therapy was not a healthy way to grow as a couple and my thought was that time apart would be our saving grace, no matter the outcome. 

After the shock wore off of my husband, he finally agreed that this is the step in the right direction, even if the direction is towards divorce.  We drew up a trial separation agreement together so that we would not be able to screw each other over financially and had clear guidelines for who was staying in the house, taking care of our dog, etc... We discussed and agreed on a date for him to move out of the house, (it was agreed upon that I would stay in the house and be the primary caretaker of our dog) and any terms for him to return to the house for any reason. The move-out date was the last weekend in July and he was to be out by the end of July 31, 2016... yesterday.