No Tears Left to Cry

I can’t explain why but I guess you could say that even though my life is better than others I still sometimes think of what if I just died. Right then and there.

But then I think how angry everyone will be at me. Saying how selfish I am for taking my life when people are dying and they want to live. I’m sorry but call me selfish.

I’m in so much pain and have to act that I’m fine to not worry you. I have to force a smile on my face not to worry my boyfriend or my mom. My friends and my sister.

Telling them I’m doing fine.

Telling them that my medicine is working and I don’t have thoughts of hanging myself, overdosing on sleeping pills or just crashing my car into a tree and not surviving.

I don’t feel the need to sometimes take the kitchen knife and stab myself.

Or cut my wrists and that stupid way where it doesn’t even kill me.

Maybe slit my thought?

Wanna hey something funny?

HAHAHA OKAY WELL

I went to Costco to get some paper towels but a white lady snatched it out of my cart.

The nerve?! Yes but that wasn’t it.

So she takes it out and I’m like:

“Excuse you? That was mine I put it in my cart not yours” I saidd but she just looked at me like I was some peasant.

“Excuse yourself. Your people are the ones who are killing us... so this is your fault” she said back to me.

So you know I’m an Asian Adoptee, I am an American citizen and this woman was blaming for something I didn’t do. She then walked away, little did I know my best friend. My ride or die (mostly likely we woukd die doing something stupid) she overheard this and started chasing the woman in Costco for my paper towels. I don’t understand why people have to be rude like this?!!! Seriously

Moods...

Would anyone ever want to buy my paintings?

I’m engaged now...

My boyfriend on our 6 year anniversary proposed to me. And let’s just talk about how my older cousin (the one who is like a sister to me) she goes and tells me that he is worth my time and I really should go for someone who can take care of me.

She spoke and said she never liked him, and then lied and said my mom hates him. She doesn’t, and now my mom is pissed my cousin put her in her lie.

Oh and who is my cousin to say I need a better love life? She met a guy and then ran off with him to live with him, and her latest Ex was this sexist, racist guy who asked if I was straight up a dyke just cause I was hugging my little sister. Oh and he said that in front of her parents and my mom.

I don’t understand why I have to be around such toxic people. But I will say that she usually ghosts me for months on end just cause I say one thing she doesn’t like. Well not this time!!! I confronted her when she asked if I was doing something nice on my anniversary (I didn’t tell a lot of people about the engagement)

This is my message with her

Haven’t heard from her since. My anniversary was February 24th. I really don’t care, I think it’s my turn to be rude to her. She has always been a bitch to me. I think it’s because she is a only child, not anything against only children but having siblings can help with your social skills and she always sees herself as the one in the right and everyone is doing something wrong. It’s annoying. Talking to her is like talking to a lawyer. Ughhhh okay I’m going to go. Byeeeeeeee

My mom: Have you eaten today? Eat something

Me: Okay (I eat something)

My mom: You are always eating, this is why you're fat

I must really suck at writing daily?

I talked with my therapist and she said it would be good to write everything down, that it would help.

So hello, my name is Kim Aleu, Kim is my last name and Aleu is my first name. However this is just my internet name. Cause who would have such an awesome name in real life?

I suffer from ED, Anxiety, and Bipolar Depression Mania.

So I just wanted to state that I must be some kind of mistake. Like I fucked my friendship with my cousins. You heard the story about Tiny Tim and now my older cousin, who is like my older sister. She is shutting me out, and I just feel like my brain is on fire. And I can’t put the flames out. I’m in constant pain and I just want it to stop. I don’t know what I did to have this pain be brought upon me. All I do is listen to music and read my fanfics and hope it will go away.

So listen to this song as it helps my cries in the middle of the night. And hopefully I’ll write more.

x_x Aleu

My birthday is coming up... that should be exciting right?

I guess only since last year it was ruined by bitchy Becky and tiny Tim. I invited them to come to dinner to celebrate my sister and I’s birthday since we are only two days apart but I’m 4 years older.

We invited them to this place called the Bowery, it’s this circus theme restaurant. It’s really cool and good food. My mom gave me $200 for the dinner and I brought Becky, Tim, Jamie, and Steven.

Once we get there they had little games outside to play, we got out table and instantly Becky and Tim left to play the games outside. They were there the whole time and I asked Jamie to get them.

She came back and said all they were doing was making out hard on one of the back tables.

It was rude and disgusting.

Then our food came out and what they ordered they barely ate. And now thinking back, I should have made them pay for it themselves. I shouldn’t have paid for it.

Worst part of it all was this during the time where I couldn’t tell my mom what was wrong. So when I came home I lied to her and told her it was amazing when really I just cried in my boyfriend’s arms as he tried to calm me down.

I guess I’m too nice for my own self.

Also Halloween passed and it’s literally a week til my birthday. This year I got a new set of old friends I reconnected with. They have understood what happened and are sad that I went through out of this.

My friend, let’s call her Laurel, she is the most upset and basically wants to kill Becky and Tim.

Haha but this year I’m gonna spend my birthday with Steven.

I also go to work, not to work but to celebrate as my lovely 60 something coworker has the same birthday as me. We celebrate together and we give each other gifts.

Then the next day spend the whole day in city with him.

And then after work on Friday. Have a big onesie party with my sister and all our friends. It’ll be fun.

I hope.