âWhy did you come all the way here, Jason? I meanâAlfred couldâve come to you, and then that would have been that, so forgive me for asking but why, now?â Dick asked, almost demanded. His brows were furrowed, he wasnât beating around the bush, was he?
âI call that bullshit, I know you. You wouldnât come here if you had a choice not to, so youâre here for a reason.â Dick prodded him, jeez he wasnât going to let things go, was he? He wasnât just going to shut the fuck up, not after the last time.
âI came here to deliver that letter to Damian, but I also came here for other reasons, well, you know about what.â He was twiddling his thumbs around, trying to not move his hands. He didnât like admitting his faults when it came to Dick Grayson but this is something that required an apology. Dick might let things go, but he couldnât do that. Dick deserved an apology but how do you apologize to someone who used to be your brotherâor brother-shaped or someone who was never a brother but you mightâve been brothers, someday. Not anymore, the chance for that is too long gone.
âNo, I donât. I donât know much about you these days, you just disappeared, Jason. You caused a mess and disappeared, and I had to clean up that mess.â Dickâs jaw was clenched. His voice had an edge to it. That Nightwingâwell now, Batman edge. Heâs fucking Batman, now. Bruce isnât the guy in that cowl anymore, itâs Dickâs blue eyesâs who overlook Gotham.
âJeez, I have to spell it out for you, didnât I?â He mumbled. His voice had reluctance to it, he was rubbing his palms. âI came here to apologize. I shouldnâtâŚI shouldnât have.â He couldnât look at Dick, he couldnât get the words out fully, despite mulling over them for hours in his mind.
âWow, I didnât think those words were in your vocabulary.â Dick ended up saying. Seriously, heâs such an asshole, because Jason was spilling his guts out and he had to rub the salt in. Heâs such an asshole but heâs right. This time, heâs right, other times he wonât be. Or Jason hopes he isnât, he doesnât want to apologize to Dick the next time.
âThe cowl is yours, not mine. Gotham needs Red Hood. I just forgot that. I donât know why I thought Batman could ever be meâBatman has itâs purpose but so does Red Hood.â Jason finally gets the words out, Dick is Batman now, heâs not his Batman. His Batman is gone.
He doesnât know how to feel about the fact that Bruce is dead, that the Batman he was, wonât ever lecture him ever again. Itâs fucking stupid, isnât it? To think about your dead dâthe person who used to be your dad. Bruce hasnât been his dad ever since that warehouse. There was only Batman ever after, only Batman turning to look up at him. Spitting words out that Jason didnât want to hear, wonât ever get the chance to hear ever again.
One day, heâs going to forget the voice. He forgot Catherineâs voice, he forgot Willisâ voice. He can remember them, remember their faces. He remember Bruceâs face. He will have Bruceâs photographs, the videos of him. Heâll have audio recordings of him but that wonât be Bruce. Not really. just the person Bruce was.
His other children will remember Bruceâs hugs. They remember how firm and gentle his hugs were. How gentle he held them people he cared for, the Bruce that died for themâis the their dad Bruce. They get to remember their last memories of him and heâs just their fucking dad.
The realization stings, itâs why he canât work with Dick, the Batman Dick is going to grow up to be. Bruce had so many years before he became the Batman he was, each version different than previous.
They live in a penthouse now; Dick, Damian and Alfred. Dick is probably going to be what Bruce was to Dick. A brother whoâs eventually going to become a father.
Jason doesnât fit into this family, he doesnât fit into this new version of them. The family they become after Bruce died.
He and Bruce werenât even a family. Not anymore, the last time he saw Bruce, they fought, about the same things. They went in circles, always spinning but never landing. Jason wonders if there was ever a destination for their relationship. Would they have stopped talking eventually? He canât answer that, he can guessâbut there wonât ever be an answer. Bruce left, Bruce is dead. Dad is dead. The dad he had at 15 will never come back, he died when Bruceâs heart stopped beating.
He doesnât even know if Bruce loved him anymore. Heâs so unsure about that. He died knowing Bruce loved him, Jason hoped Bruce died knowing despite everything, Jason did love him. He canât stop loving Bruce, even if he made so many mistakes, said so much vitriol.
âIt doesnât cost me anything to forgive you Jason, so I will.â Dick is looking at him, seeing something Jason doesnât understand. Jason didnât come here for Dickâs forgiveness. He came here to deliver and he didâboth the apology and the letter. A letter thatâs none of his business. A letter from Talia to Damian, heâs not interested into prying in their relationship. Their relationship is theirs, just like he and Bruceâs was.
Whatever happened, however it happened. The grief wonât leave Jason, heâll just drift seamlessly with it. Maybe find a use for it, he found a use for that crowbar. This will be useful one day aswell, he doesnât want to be miserable about Bruce if itâs for nothing. But grief is a shithole like thatâjust making you miserable for no reason other than, just because. Thatâs the price we pay for love, or maybe emotions. Jason doesnât care to dwell on what grief is for.
âIâm gonna leave, give Alfred my best okay?â Jason ends up saying, heâs glad to be done with this conversation and done for Batsâat least for now, theyâre truly never going to leave him. Thatâs that. Bats and stupid birds.
âHmm, okay. Goodbye, Jason.â Dick mumbles back. Jason heads out, done with emotions for today. Hereâs to incoming emotional constipation. Cheers.
Unbeknownst to Jason, he keeps looking at his brother, until he hears the shut of the door.
He never thought heâd hear Jason apologize, particularly for this. He doesnât understand but maybe he doesnât need to.