Certified Bookworm

My heart flows

Into this tear-

Stained pillow

I never chose

All the fear

I feel flow

Through my shape

I am the hollow

Emptiness of my

Unknown place

So I sit and swallow

This empty goodbye

Was there ever

Anything

I could say

I hold my forever

With it’s sharp sting

I wish you were here

But like physically here

Body on body

Skin on skin

Arm over another

Hand in hand

Or hand on a tit

What do you do

If someone who shouldn’t

Gives you their number

Lulls you into a trap

One you should’ve seen coming

From over a mile away

But you trust them

Because not to is to doubt me

Something I already do

But don’t want to

So when she says

“I’ve been thinking about this”

That means she’s doubting herself

So how can I trust her

If she doesn’t even trust herself

Yet I do it anyways

Because I need to not doubt

Because then every aspect

Of this precarious situation

Is a disaster waiting to happen

Not only on her end

But mine as well

And yet I put my trust in her

For so long

How can I not trust her

How can I doubt her

How dare I doubt myself

Because when I doubt myself

I see the

stupid

worthless

naive

clueless

gullible

wasteful person that I am

Even if I’m not

That’s just

who

what

where

when

why

how I am

Because I doubted myself

And she paid the price

Life is like a card game

Except it’s a card game

Where you begin off losing

Right off the bat

Then

Somehow

You manage to come back at the end

Although you still lose the game

And yet

For some reason

They always ask

“How are you?”

But I can’t tell you

Because you’re expecting

“Good, how are you?”

But I don’t expect

That you’ll tell me the truth

Because everyone’s always hiding

Behind their own cloud of pain

Trying to fein sunshine

What if I said the truth?

What if I told you

I’m constantly trying to stop myself

Because I can’t stand the thought of living

Even through the end of today

How the only way I get through the day

Is to think of all the ways I could end my pain

But when I get to the end of the day

I know I have to start all that over again

And sometimes that’s what’s most painful about all this

That I have to go through it

All over again

Why is it

That we’re not supposed to

Commit suicide

When there are people

Killing themselves slowly

With cigarettes

Why is it

That we’re not allowed to

Commit murder

When there are people

Slowly killing other people

Rolling in with confidence

I didn’t think anything of it

But then I get to the first point

It’s hard for me to say

Is it hard for you to hear

But I’ve already started

I gotta keep going

Cause I can’t go back

But the more squeamish I get

The more deafening is the silence of everyone else

The air shifted

And it gets hard to breathe

Then something happened

Something I was afraid of

But I’d gotten more than half way through the story

It was going up after this one last down

But someone stepped out

And as she disappeared behind the corner

I felt my heart clench

And I felt the chaos of my story

All come crashing down

I couldn’t take much more

So I abruptly ended it

I couldn’t leave the room fast enough

Eyes streaming I try to step by

Because I know if the therapist notices

She’ll step me aside

And I don’t want her to know

I already feel bad enough

I don’t need her to know it too

But she sees and she leads

Me away to a corner

To talk with me

And I let her

Because I’m losing it

I don’t need to completely lose it

Like I did inpatient

I’ve only just calmed down from that

But she talks me down

And talks me in

Grounds me

Until I’m able to sustain

And ground me by myself

Which I do

All alone I cry in my room

Until I’m all cried out

And I have done

All that’s left

Is to apologize to my victims

One who is okay on her own

And the other accepts

Meaning now it is okay

To forgive myself

Seeing into the eyes of future

I see my kid go through depression

I see all their pain

Unable to take it away

Unable to put it upon myself

Because their depression

Was learned from watching me

Depression turns into cutting

Cutting turns into SI

SI turns into they have the noose

It gets secured up above

As the loop is hung around the neck

It’s all in place

The perfect suicide

The chair gets kicked out

And the breath leaves the body

In that split moment

Suddenly every good thing comes to light

And they know

“I shouldn’t be doing this”

But it’s too late

They have no floor to step on

No one to hear their choked cries for help

It’s not until later when I walk in

Having not heard the feeble cries for help

See their body dangling in the air

Not knowing I could have saved them

A weak cry leaves my chest

Everything doesn’t make sense

It’s supposed to be me

Not you

I’m the one with innumerable pain

You’re just a little thing still

I could have helped

But I didn’t know

I couldn’t see my own signs in them

And because of that

Climbing the hill

Trying not to fall

Cuts and bruises

From not watching your step

But you keep on going

Until you get to the top

Where you just sit under the tree

And sleep in the shade

Eat the apples

And then roll back down the hill

Crashing through trees and bushes

Until you’re stuck back at the bottom

But it’s okay

Because I’ll roll you back to the top

And we can sit in the shade together

Laughing as old friends

Because you don’t always have to go down

But even so

I understand though

I could sit here

And tell you my whole life story

The ups and the downs

To get to the root

Of some shit or another

But what’s the point

If I don’t want to be better

If I don’t see something better

Than what’s been splayed out in front of me

It’s not some black and white thinking

I know that’s what you’re thinking

What if it’s just how I’m supposed to be

Just who I am being

For however much longer that is

The amount of time I choose

The circles around the sun

Until I tie my knot

Locked in the dresser

There is no key

Except the one to my heart

Which is driven to stop

I pull the drawer open

And look at all the contents

Filled with memories of my past

And one bottle of my future

I pick it up

And wonder to my bed

I sit as I ponder my options

Pain for me

Or pain for everyone else

But the chaos in my head

Wins every time

I pop the cap

And pop a pill

Chased down with water

Until it turns over empty

I sit and wait now

For the darkness to take me

The sun, the mountains and the air

Are all calling out for me to beware

Of something I cannot see

And something I cannot reach

As the wind blows through the leaves

The sky leaves no reprieves

The butterflies sing their goodbyes

This darkness

It’s my solace

All out of hope

And all out of tears

I’m going down a slippery slope

Running away from all my fears

I doubt you know

But I’m almost gone

I’m on a low

And it won’t be long

Until I pass

Not not a test

Not sure how I’ll last

All up in this mess

But if you would just come help me

Lift me up to my feet

Maybe I won’t be long

I’ll stay here for more than just the song

And I’ll be gone

But not for long

Just until you see that

I picked up the razor and slit up my wrist

Then I burned my legs to give it a twist

I picked up the bottle that sits by my bed

I’m walking a thin line most won’t tread

Even when it’s all said and done

And all my demons think they have won

I’ll sit here and think for a moment or two

About what it is I think I should do

Then I’ll come to a conclusion you weren’t hoping

As I’m set and packed I’m thinking about eloping

To somewhere else that doesn’t exist

Because my thoughts still persist

Whether I go to Heaven or Hell

I hope you know all is well

With the decision I am making