kemi marie

i always find it intriguing how many ppl say i’m very open but majority of people have no idea what’s going on in my life lol. 2022 was hell on wheels, expedited shipping. so for all of 2022, i was in a year of loss and it was easily one of the hardest things i’ve been through. knowing it was a year of loss and then preceding to see everything crumble was like 🤣😩😱😦. i didn’t understand why until december. last month everything began to make sense and all i have to say is that anything built on foundation that is unstable with poor motivations will always crumble eventually. whether it’s tomorrow or in 10 years. the life i thought i wanted was one built upon a foundation of others standards, desires for me and my own unhealed motivations. i thought i needed to operate in a way that would provide me with the material “stability” i so desperately thought i needed to be internally stable. but there came a moment in 2021, where i felt so deeply called towards things i really love: creativity, travel, exploration, and never settling. i’ve always wanted to be a nomad but when i felt that calling, i buried it to do the norm and continue pursuing more. it just always felt like there was more. like i needed to grind towards more. i graduated. i had a home. i made a ton of money. i was fully ready to stay exactly where the fuck i was KNOWING i have heart calling dreams! i literally used to have moments where i’d be like “damn, i wish i could just travel freely. i can’t bc i have a lease and don’t want to waste $.” self betrayal out of fear & complacency. grinding due to feelings of inadequacy & lack. settling down at 22. so many ppl settle down & stop exploring. that’s what i did. but i’m a sagittarius 29° 9th house. my journey is to explore unconventionally. the loss from 2022 set me up for this year. for being 23. i was PRAYING for an out and in august 2022, i got an email from my landlord saying i gotta go in like a week. i don’t have to do or pay anything. I WAS OVER THE FUCKING MOON. 😫😭 it was hectic but a whole chance to start over the way EYE wanted to! it’s been 5 months of this digital nomad life & i’ve learned so much. i wish i would’ve done it earlier when i felt it.

I had stability that I didn't want to trade for my joy and freedom, because I didn't want to suffer or struggle in the eyes of society. I was so worried about it all dissolving and I was trying to hold on, but I let go of it all from income streams to my home. Thats something people don't know nor understand. Cause why would you let go of some of your income streams? I couldn't do anything my heart wasn't in. It's that simple for me. It's inauthentic and for someone who reached where I am off of my authenticity, I couldn't do it. So I had to let it go until that passion came back and that cost a lot. It's slowly coming back clearly cause here I am, but bitch I was STRESSED in this state of "I don't know what I want to do with my life!!!!"

Stability is held to the highest regard, but I can honestly say: stability without inner joy and fulfillment isn't stability at all. It's a slow, trickling out of your life force which slowly corrodes your spirit and denies you access to internal stability. The digital nomad life has taught me to redefine what "stable" means to me. What makes me feel safe, secure, sturdy, and fixed?

What makes me feel secure is having options, being able to have a beautiful, comfortable space that I can leave when I want to. Feeling secure is having choices, being free, being allowed to travel. Feeling secure is having the same morning routine anywhere I go. Feeling secure is having my family around. Feeling secure is paying off my debts because I don't have extra bills. I've lived a life of responsibility and the less I have to do, think about, pay, etc, the better. I value the simple life more than I do anything complex and materialistic. You can put me in a beautiful cabin in the jungle and I will be content. I don't need much but a vibe and safety. There are things that ground me as we move from place to place and explore it all. The things that matter stay the same while the material changes.

I'm currently sitting with a lot of insights. Some of them are ones that continue to rise over and over. Like the fact that I am different. That fact is a guiding principal in my life and I've worked hard to transform this negative core belief into a positive one. Being in my 12th house year, I am realizing a lot and while many may turn inwards towards solitude, this year thus fas is encouraging me to step outward with my true inner self. I've come to a sad reality that I have hid so many worthwhile parts of myself for majority of my life. The eccentric beauty and differences within me have been kidnapped by a quiet tone and societal standard driven attitude.

The Pattern App says "its possible people have no sense of just how unique you are because its so repressed. As a result, you may feel alienated and blocked from being yourself." And holy shit.

I'm coming into this awareness that many people know me as a quiet, introverted, to self person because I've held a repressed mask over myself since I was young. Some people just see me as a spiritual guide they can go to. Others see me as someone they only come to for advice. I haven't fully allowed myself to be alllllll sides of me. I've niched down and my platform has allowed me to easily do so, hiding behind my content and continuously doing what others desired from me. January 2022 hit me hard last year because "all of a sudden" (it was spiritual), I no longer wanted to do what I do. There was something missing and I couldn't understand until December 2022, the very last minute. But last year was the beginning of this unravelling of who I thought I was. This happens to me often, actually. Every time I think I know and I finally settle into something, spirit kicks me out. I'm coming to realize that I am not meant to settle or be one way forever. I am meant to grow and continuously change. I am not meant to get complacent. I got very comfortable stepping into the work I was doing, but looking back, I would've stayed exactly where I was at... doing the same shit and I wouldn't have stopped to intentionally question my own desires. As this 12 house year commences, I'm finally becoming aware of what ive hidden and thats eccentric, unique me. A me that my partner has brought out of me and reminded me of.

The Pattern App classifies this as "unconventional outsider" and "intelligent outsider." It's true. My entire life I have felt like an outsider. Starting from age 8, I always felt like I needed to prove myself. I thought taking the traditional routes and being the absolute perfect best at them would make me valuable. I held onto meritocracy and grind culture. I did it all, and even in trying to stick the standard... I didn't. I graduated with a Bachelors at 20. I started receiving college credit at 16. Started college at 17. I gave birth at 18. Even when I tried to be traditional, I still did it differently. However, I was always motivated by criticism, doubt, and feelings of inadequacy. This perfectionism led me to be an overachiever. As the pattern says, "theres always the pressure to be better and do more." Yet, it was never good enough. "This is the most painful part of the process: discovering that even when you exceed expectations, it won't fill the void and relieve the pressure you feel. Nothing external will deliver the self love youre looking for-- only you can give that to yourself." I never felt seen and I haven't felt seen until this past year. I never felt seen because I never even saw myself. I hid myself. People only saw what I can DO for them and I trapped myself there for a long time. For majority of my life, I shut down my eccentric brilliance and traded it to essentially dominate social standards and all of the spaces I enter, because I thought that would make me worthy, desirable and valuable. I thought that's how I could be seen and recognized.

But my path is to cultivate a sense of self worth that doesnt rely on outside validation and that means I have to operate from a place of my true, different self. I am coming to terms with the idea that being different and expressing myself in such a way... means there is no knight in shining validation coming. That comes from being me and loving me. I've been doing the self love work for a while and I truly do love myself. I'm at a new place now though: expressing my true self and taking up space. Not repressing myself. Not shutting down. not hiding behind anything. The self that I love? I can display. I do not have to compartmentalize myself just because I feel like others will be harsh, critical and judgmental.

My self judgment tells me that I'm too out of the box. It tells me I'm too much. It tells me I'm too weird for others. It tells me that even though I love these things about me, others will probably hate it so just don't share. When I do share, I often feel like people judge me harshly and hit me with criticism immediately. I'm not often validated in my eccentricity and differences.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a creative artist but was quickly told that doesn't make money, and I have to choose to do something else with my life. I'm happy that the Universe proved those people wrong and moved me towards my inner child dreams without me even realizing it. Regardless, I constantly feel like I'm running against limits and it really shuts me down from being me.

People dont understand the way I think or appreciate the perspectives and then later on, people jump onto the bandwagon and get it. It happens in every space i'm in. My first year speaking on spirituality, I was met with resistance and hex groups from others in the community. But when I started growing on spiritual twitter, everyone suddenly wanted to be friends. People, typically of authority in a space, shut me down before they open up, so i've always felt shutdown when I do or say things. Courage is the only thing that keeps me going. I also know that I have an innate strength to be 100% fearless in a way many people just don't have and I think it's important that I show others that they can too. I see myself as an example. If no one else will, I will. That aries rising keeps me going.

I think for the past 22 years, I've let others validation and what they say I "should" be doing really take hold of my motivations. PSA: just because others applaud, doesn't mean you have to keep yourself in the box they congratulate you for being in. Do what you want, not just what others say youre good at.

The past 4 years, the grips of those boundaries have slowly withered away. Now, in this 12th house year, things are getting very real and its all dissolving. I'm at a place where I am fully letting go of others ideas. I am seeing the beauty in everything I've hidden.

Emotions definitely overwhelm me when I think about how I've shut myself down. It feels good to be realizing my true motivations and desires, but it's also sad, because I feel like I gave so many years away to negative doubts and beliefs. Imagine if we nurtured differences and divergencies? I always start crying thinking about the lies in which I've told myself and the boxes I've kept myself in these past 11 years. I've truly believed that my inner eccentric is different and bad. It's not true though.

"If you cling to the status quo, you'll likely continue to meet resistance or feel unfulfilled. You're supposed to explore your uniqueness and do things differently. You're the exception to the rule - ignore any judgment and find the courage to break free. You're meant to stand outside of whats considered normal."

Sometimes I read that last line over and over. This is something I've been in therapy for. I am meant to stand outside of whats considered normal.

That eccentric part of me was cast out and improperly treated. I want to nourish the differences within me and seek freedom at all costs. I am coming to terms with:

-the idea that I can't do what everyone else does because im not like everyone else. That is okay.

-the idea that anytime I go the standard, traditional route, the universe will kick me off of it.

-the idea that I'm not supposed to be easily digestible and understood. Coming to terms with the idea that you will never be fully understood is HARD and it can feel so lonely, but the tea is: you will be fully understood by yourself as long as you listen.

-the idea that holding onto traditionalism tightly will only cause me hell which means it's essential that I choose the unconventional path that my heart desires. Choosing that path means I must undergo the pressures, criticism, and judgments of everyone around me. Although I want to be accepted and loved, Saturn and Uranus say my existence and truth is supposed to challenge the shit everyone does. I am meant to enact change and show things that can be done. That never comes with ease. People like whats comfortable, not whats different. People dont like change.

So I'm coming to terms with so many ideas around my worth, my eccentricities, and sitting with the hard truth that if I want to live my most freeing and joyful life, I have to value my truth more than I value others criticisms and I cannot let those judgments get me down. (Thankfully, I've been blessed with a twitter platform which has most definitely taught me this first point.) I have to walk with my freedom instead of holding onto the pressures of others. I have to show myself and finally let myself take up space.

I see everything shifting everyday as I make intentional, conscious decisions to validate all the parts of me which are different. I validate my out of the box desires, my unpredictability, my intense impulses and drive, my desire to live on an island by myself, my exceptional drive and ability to make shit happen, my detached energy, my lack of texting response bc I'm actually present in daily life, my disconnect from pop culture, etc. I want things and I love things that most people don't want nor like and I am okay with it. How I define and view this world is very different. Even my choice to move out of the country is such a big jump for me that I've always wanted to make. My views of sex, gender, femininity, masculinity, luxury, healing, literally everything... is so fucking different. I am okay with that. I can share from that place.

I'm no longer pretending i'm like everyone else because that just leaves me feeling more alienated.

I am coming to terms with the idea that my existence is disruptive to the status quo and that is okay. No matter what, I can't conform. The universe is showing me that... its not going to work anymore. My goal is to pursue freedom and joy, release the pressures and ideas others have for the direction of my life.

this year of being 23, i’m connecting to my truest, most cavernous desires and moving from that place. this is the year i do not have to know the exact plan. i am in pursuit of my motivation, my values and my beliefs outside of all the agreements i’ve made to others beliefs these past 12 years. this is the year to find out my why outside of it all. my value. to find value in the unorthodox desires of my heart. this year is for me to be fueled by my free spirited nature and place more value in that than i do the recognition or validation of others. this year is for me to scrape off all the negative core beliefs from the mush of my subconscious and find courage in my eccentricity, in the non uniform paths i want to embark on. this year is for me to focus on me and figure out what EYE want to give. how i want to show up. to reorient how i view beauty within myself. to reorient how i see myself and my worth as well. this is my year to receive the insights, wisdom and healing that i need in order to step into a new self. i pray to remain open through it all.

i spoke to my therapist and my astrologer on the same day & it was all so validating, pushing me towards the things that truly light my heart on fire. one thing my therapist reminded me is that: i am not alone. there are people like me in the places i wish to go. there are people that carry liberation in their spirit and seek it in this physical world. and one thing she said is that i will find that where i am going and i will not be alone. that is what this year, 23, is for me: finding freedom and liberation within and around. and as long as i elevate, i will never be alone. there is freedom, free spirits, true value within this world. in places i’ve never been but places i am going. so happy 23 to me!