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I did.

I wanted to show you how I am now.

•My good grades. I'm about to apply to get into the BSW, and I'm pretty sure I'll crush it.

•My community of comedy in which I am acknowledged as a good fucking comedian. Show you the shows I'm in. The ones I'm headlining.

•All my friends! There's so many now. Friends who challenge me. Friends who play tabletop with me. Friends who actually make me better.

•Shaumik, still being my rock. My wonderful friends who sneak me kisses under the sky and the girls who tell my friends how they feel, and then my friends nod who to wink at.

And I wanted to have an adult relationship with the person who shaped me into who I am. I wanted that.

But I stared at it.

I only wanted it if it came from a place of kindness, or at least a genuine place of mutual respect.

And I just knew it wasn't.

I wanted to anyway. But everyone said that was toxic.

Everyone.

I wanted to give you the opportunity to disappoint me. I wanted to be able to live by my own words but I couldn't.

But I promise I thought about it.