bmo_ore

She tried to say this was ok but I’m the only person here lol. I feel so… fuck.

I just want to be happy and for someone to genuinely be happy to interact with me. I want them to care bout me and to show it.

In some ways I think TikTok is worse than Facebook. FB was people you knew most of the time, I’ve been to those homes seen these folks and know them so seeing them thrive is one thing. Seeing strangers- people whom say they lived on a F-150 car seat and never had parents making 7 figures because they made a witty one liner or took a free course on YouTube and made it big. It fucking hurts. You can work forever and never get lucky never get seen.

I need money. I check OF every week. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I need a new job but I can’t get hired. I need a second job but I’m so stressed from the first one I can’t concentrate. I legit spend the week in a trance. I can’t enjoy stuff I like because I’m too tired. I hate living and I keep saying it and there is nothing anyone can do to help. I wish I could just take my blanket and lay in Telegrapgh and go to sleep forever. I don’t see a future of anything but pain and loneliness. Extremely stressed because i may not be able to go on my own Black Friday trip. First year I couldn’t buy my presents in advance and not sure if I’ll be able to get anything. I hate each morning I wake up and realize I’m alive.

I wish I could say that I went away and it got better. Some things did improve. But as more things fell into place others got messed up. Some stuff that never got addressed grew mold as it spoiled in the back of my head. I don’t have the same dreams anymore.

The internet gives me a void to silently scream into.