{Kerri} Getting Pregnant

I triggered last night (CD10) ... the trigger spot is pretty red and hurts worse than I remember, but hopefully it's doing what it needs to do. Our son had a tummy ache last night, meaning he slept in bed with us, meaning we didn't have the opportunity to BD. We'll have to find a way this evening though, for sure. Tomorrow too, to be safe.

I had one folli at 15 (and the cyst on my left ovary had shrunk a bit, too.) I've been on Follistim for 6 days now and it's doing it's job. The Doctor gave me a prescription for a trigger shot and told me he would call with instructions on when I should use it, based on my labs. My estradiol a little more than doubled in the past two days - going from 110 to 130 - but I don't know how high they want it before I trigger. They didn't call today, so I'll have to call them tomorrow to check in. I am really hoping they will say I can trigger tomorrow so we're able to properly time intercourse (rawr) before we leave for California on Monday (staying with my cousin in a studio apartment - awkward.) The NIH posted a picture of a double rainbow over the hospital from today - hoping it's a sign that our next rainbow is coming. 😊

I've been back on Follistim this cycle. I started 150iu last Friday (cd3) and just had a check today (cd7). I had one 10mm folli on the right and a large cyst (which was on my previous scan, too) on the left. I am to continue at the same Follistim dose and come back Thursday morning. We are leaving for CA on Monday so I am REALLY hoping my folli on the right shows enough progress by Thursday that they'll maybe give me a trigger shot to use next week! *crosses fingers* Waiting for bloodwork now - the nurse forgot to turn on the ultrasound machine - so it put my appointment behind - which landed me behind over 20 people in the bloodwork queue and will lead to being in a long line at the pharmacy too. Dang.

By the time we got home, I had been holding my pee for over four hours without drinking anything (to make sure my hormones would, hopefully, be at a detectable level.) I took an FRER... it was also questionable. I was almost positive I saw that second line but couldn’t be sure. I was totally losing my mind. I knew something had to be wrong... but false positives hardly ever happen... and “a line is a line is a line.” There aren’t any “it must have been a evap or an indent” with a digital. I have to be pregnant, right?! Everything on the internet told me that I had to be pregnant, that the fact that I didn’t use my First Morning Urine with the rest of the tests had to be the reason I didn’t have a positive. All I could do was wait and try again in the morning. Saturday, October 3rd: I took an FRER as soon as I got up. I have no idea how long I just sat there... desperately hoping for two pink lines... feeling like, if I just poured all my energy into it, I could will a second line to show. The three minutes passed, still one line. I took some pictures, trying to “tweak” a second line into view. Nothing. I showed Alex and told him I wanted to take a digital... I was originally was going to run out and buy one before my little guy got up, but I was just too upset to function. So, I sent him to the store to pick one up. I thought (hoped with desperation) that I could just be missing that second line somehow, after all, the new curved tests are harder to read. I had saved my FMU “specimen” and dipped the digital into it the very second I finally got the packaging off (which felt like it took an eternity). I tried to walk away while it was working but I just couldn’t... I watched the screen flash for what seemed like forever. I just had to be pregnant... if I wasn’t, I would be devastated. If I wasn’t, it would be at least one month - but most likely a full three months - before we could try again. The universe was FINALLY going to give me a break. I just had to be pregnant... except I wasn’t (anymore.) The screen read “- NO” clear as day and my heart shattered into a million pieces. Long story short, I consulted with the RE and that first test wasn’t wrong... but neither was the last. They call it a “chemical pregnancy” (a conception, which has measurable hCG but does not develop far enough to be seen on an ultrasound.) I’ve always hated the term but even more now. It was an early miscarriage. There was a tiny blastocyst that started making it’s home in my uterus. I don’t know what went wrong, I don’t know why, but it didn’t survive. Typing this (both parts) has taken me a few hours and many tissues. I am grieving a life I never had the opportunity to know and a future I won’t get to experience. I keep hoping that by June 11, 2016 (which would have been my EDD) we are expecting for keeps... because I can’t se surviving it otherwise. I know many people don’t understand these feelings... that they don’t consider early miscarriage a loss. But I do and I’m not going to suffer in silence. That little blastocyst was so much more than a clump of cells to me, it was a future. I think it is important to share, just not for my own sanity but in support of others. October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, after all. I can’t keep going on about all of this... and I don’t want to read back through everything I’ve recalled here... so please excuse this slightly abrupt ending and any errors above. I will update on what’s going on (TTC wise) soon.

Thursday, September 17th: Went back to the RE, found my one lone folli grew to about a 15 and there were “a few 13/14s” too. The RE told me to stay on 150iu of Follistim daily and then come back to check again the following Monday.  Friday, September 18th: I got a positive Clearblue Digital OPK for peak fertility. Messaged RE who said to stop with the Follistim, have intercourse for the following days and that I could skip my Monday appointment and just call with a positive pregnancy test or on CD1 and we would try again.  Saturday, September 19th: I had another positive Clearblue Digital OPK for peak fertility.  Monday, September 21st: I started not feeling well... very tired and experiencing nausea. It was hard to not get my hopes up, because this is what happened RIGHT after conception with Milo. This continued for days.  Wednesday, September 30th: I took an early results pregnancy test, it was negative. This should have been 12 or 13 DPO. I was getting ready to attend a big event in DC that’s for new and expecting moms (I purchased tickets early with the hopes that I would be pregnant by then *wishful thinking* but decided not to pass it up. After all, I was “expecting”... to be expecting) when I started having some really terrible cramps. Part of me wanted to believe that it was just late implantation and part of me was sure it was the beginnings of PMS. I took a pain reliever and managed to finish getting ready and get myself out the door, the cramps subsided shortly after I started driving. I felt ok during the event, only slight cramps every once-in-a-while. I’m pretty sure I was the only person there alone and one of the only non-pregnant ladies but I still had a good time and even had the opportunity to meet, and have a conversation with, one of my favorite mommy-bloggers.  Thursday, October 1st: Managed to keep myself from taking another pregnancy test. 

...at so many things, really. I’ve come to find I am really terrible at keeping up with things like diaries, journals, blogs, ect. Every old diary I found from when I was young has less than 5 entries before I was just way too busy with my bustling pre-teen social life to possibly keep up. Every time I had assigned journal entries, I would do the all at once... usually the night before they were due. I bought myself a one-line-a-day journal, because I figured even I could handle a single line - wrong!  That brings me to my point... I’m way behind on here. I don’t know/doubt if anyone actually “follows” me so closely that you notice when I don’t post... but if so, I’m sorry.  I have a lot to say about this past cycle. My goal is to work in that right now.

Yesterday is TTC Fashion... I call this look "7am Hospital Visit Chic, Complete With Giant Coffee Stain." That's a men's Hoddie and my shorts are two sizes too big, but they have to be to comfortably fit my inflamed PCOS belly. I got some *slightly* better news. I finally have a follicle - one lonely follicle - but it was 10mm yesterday. I wish there was more than one but I'm really just hoping this one keeps growing! I go back at 8am on Thursday to see how it's doing. In the meantime, I remain on 150iu of Follistim daily. Yesterday I administered my shot while watching penguins swim at the zoo, like a boss.

I went for another folli scan on Friday morning and there was absolutely no improvement. So, after 8 days at 75iu of Follistim, the RE doubled my dose to 159iu. I go back WAY too early tomorrow morning (need to be there at 7:30 and it will take over 2 hours in traffic I'm sure.) My side effects are minimal... and the same. The bruising around my belly button is getting worse though and I'm pretty much out of locations for new stabs. If I still show no improvement tomorrow, I don't know what they will have me do.

CYCLE DAY 700! (I wish that was a glitch.)

Hi There. I know I am well overdue for an update... nearly a week since the last major development. Whoops. I am really sleepy though, so this is just a quick rundown. Last Friday I went in to see if the Femara had done anything... it had not. The RE said "let's try some Follistim." So, we did that. Follistim is an injectable medication that is meant to, well, stimulate follicular growth. It comes in a tiny little vile and is administers in an easy-to-use pen. I made a video of my first time using it but my phone kept crashing when I would try to upload it here - so I still need to try and do that from my computer. I was on 75iu of Follistim daily from last Friday to this Tuesday. My sonogram on Tuesday showed absolutely no improvement in the ovarian department - but my lining did look better and my estrogen did rise a little bit. So, I am continuing the daily injection of 75iu until I go back for another check on Friday. My appointment is at 8am... which means I'll have to leave home before 6am and then sit in insane traffic... most likely just for more bad news. I'm not feeling very positive about this baby making thing at the moment. I'm trying to focus my attention on other things, with little luck. I can't even just go into my dark place because I have a tiny human that needs me (which is amazing and wonderful and I'm not complaining at all) I just need to find a time and place to process my emotions, uninterrupted. If that's even possible.

Here's today's #pcosawarenessmonth image. As many as 1 in 10 women may suffer from PCOS. I am the one in ten.

When even your fertility apps throw their metaphorical hands in the air and say "IDKWTF..."

I'm hoping to design/share a little something for each day of September for PCOS Awareness Month. These are days 1 & 2. Hoping to cover get a little more into the pain and symptoms as the month goes on. Anything specific you'd like to see? Let me know in the comments.

I do not remember legitimately dreading visiting the RE during my first TTC Journey. I would actually look forward to it, feeling hopeful and excited. Even if I knew a round was a bust or I'd have to take a break, I was always looking forward to the next step. Five medicated rounds spread over a full year... I hated the situation, I hated that I HAD to go... but I didn't actually hate going. This time I absolutely dread the appointments. Maybe my subconscious knows something I don't. Maybe it's because my husband has to take time off work, multiple days a week to be home with my son while I'm making the long trip and spending most of my time just waiting in sterile, lonely rooms. Maybe it's because I feel guilty for everything these treatments have taken and will continue to take away from my son. It's probably a little bit of all those things... I am hoping I get some good (or at least not bad) news soon. Hopefully that will help straighten me out a bit because t's 3:15AM on Wednesday and I am already stressing out about my 11AM appointment on Friday.

The RE appointment today (which we're calling CD13) was disappointing at best. My lonely, single follicle (that showed any sign of actually maturing) was a measly 10mm... and my blood work for my appointment last Thursday showed no significant increase in estrogen. At this point in the "cycle" (we really can't even call this a cycle, since there was no bleed) most normal people would have a nice, big follie (or two or three) ready to be released. Not me, not even with drugs. The doctor says I have to come back on Friday, we'll see if the little buddy has grown and if my new blood results were any more promising and re-evaluate from there. They mentioned possibly "starting over" with a different drug... which I am guess will be Clomid - which worked for me before - but only on the highest dose and with the worst side effects. It's going to be really hard to be on Clomid while caring for a one-year-old. But, let's try to think of something positive... uhhh... umm... at least the phlebotomists always use this awesome medical "tape" that only sticks to itself after my blood work. I have super sensitive/thin skin, especially there, and bandaids and regular medical tape almost always tears my skin up. So, yay?

As the receptionist walked me to the exam room, I assured it was unnecessary. I've been in there so often that they should really just put my name on the door. This was for my follicular scan last Thursday. We could call it "CD9" or seven days after beginning growth stimulation or two days post-stim. Or, as I'd like to call it, a waste of time. No front-runner follies looking like they may mature but the doctor said "that's fine, it's early. It's to be expected." Which is cool, whatever, but I'm not sure why I was required to come in then? Guessing to make sure none of my cysts were going insane. I took an OPK yesterday (negative, shocker) and I'll take another tonight (if I ever get Milo to lay down and fall asleep.) I'm, again, not looking forward to my appointment tomorrow at 3pm... especially because it will put me in crazy traffic for the drive home. Wompwomp. It would be magical if I got pregnant and didn't have to do this anymore. Here's to hoping.