Family don't end in blood!

“Oh, I'm not so sure about that,” ever the older brother. 

"He has worked handyman jobs many times over the years."

"Just 'cause he was too big of a prude to hustle pool or play poker."

I started laughing heartily, "Remember when you tried to teach us poker the first time?"

"I cleaned the floor with the both of you and Sam got so mad."

"He was just a kid," I defended.

"Hell, we all were, that was so many years ago."

We stared at the creek for a bit before Dean broke through the b-roll of memories filtering through my mind.

"You know we are of an age where we might need to slow down, and if Sam is gonna be a dad he'll need a respectable job and address."

"Yeah, and we can take the kids while they work. You know Eileen has been job hunting."

"Hunting jobs not monsters," he muttered.

"If you got a regular person job, which one would you go after?"

"Well, besides hunting I'm only good at two things - cars and construction."

"You're very good at working on cars but you're also good at cooking," I pointed out.

He shot me one of those boyish grins of his, before looking away, "Yeah, I'm OK at that, too."

"Ya know, there's a diner in town that is looking for help or they will have to close."

"Which one? Bee's or the Fulton's?"

"Bee's. She and her husband have owned the place for 60 years but he's not doing so well with his health and they want to retire or at least take a step back. Minnie manages all the staff and supply orders, but Bee says if they don't find someone to cook they will have to close because all that food doesn't mean anything if they can't serve it."

"Huh," Dean paused before continuing, "I never considered being a cook."

"Probably be a little easier on your back than construction."

"And my knee," he agreed and began to push himself up from the ground.

"We can't do that again," I laughed, "We sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies when we try to stand up," I told him when we were both upright again.

"How will we get on the floor to play with the kids?"

"Pillows, lots of pillows, and keeping ourselves placed strategically next to the couch so we can ease up from the floor," I grinned. Quite pleased with myself when Dean threw his head back, bold, heavy laughs shaking his whole body. 

“Yeah, we’ll have to keep that all in mind.”

“I have been helping Sammy with the databases and your situation got me thinking - how did the witch slam you into the other realm? Did she do it on purpose, how did we get to this point, and has it happened to any other hunters? What if there are hunters out there who weren’t dead but were believed to be and nobody knew to check the fae realm so they did die - alone and scared about becoming a vengeful spirit.”

“That seems like a lot to undertake,” Dean stated - it wasn’t a judgment or a warning, it was just a statement of fact. 

“I know but I’ve already got some leads to research and I think it can be something I work on part time. Ya know, when we’re not looking for regular jobs or whatever.”

“I’ll support you in whatever you choose to do,” he told me with a chaste kiss. 

We had a peaceful and fun rest of our trip and even took some time to chat with Sam and Eileen to see where they were with their goal of finding jobs and starting a family.

It turned out they would be putting the jobs and house with a white picket fence on the fast track because Eileen had gotten a positive test earlier that week.

I did continue my research and database entry - Sam helped occasionally as well. Dean pretended to be annoyed with it but he even joined me once in a while to research or enter snippets of data. 

Sam was adamant that they couldn't raise a child in the bunker and after witnessing him and Dean bickering over it for the third time in a week, I decided to step in.

"Sam, why is it that you're so insistent on getting out of here? This place is safe and you have seven or eight months before the baby arrives. You and Eileen will get there but I just want to know why you're having such a freak out over it?"

"You don't get it do you?"

"If I understood I wouldn't be asking."

He sighed and sat back down at the library table, "I don't want the baby involved in any of this," he waved a hand toward the rest of the room. "If I could change one thing about my life it would be that none of the supernatural shit happened. I want my kid to grow up feeling safe and not looking over their shoulder for demons or monsters."

"I get that Sammy, I do, and we're gonna get to that point but for the moment you have a quiet stable place that's safe. Why not give yourself the freedom to save some money before moving out to some fixer-upper?"

"Dean keeps saying that."

"He's not totally wrong and if you live in the bunker for a few weeks or months, the baby won't know. I'm not saying to stay till they are five but you are a Legacy and that won't just go away - you know things - probably more about this place and what's in it than I do. I just think you're trying to drop it and run and having a little bit of money saved up to afford to fix a house or be able to get one you don't have to fix up as much wouldn't be bad. The thing is, you don't need to move next week. You are stressing yourself and Eileen."

"That's not my intent. I just want us to be legit before the baby arrives."

"I know. Me too. But you also need to think things through - when you say how much you want out of here it makes Dean feel like you don't want him. He's struggling with all the big changes too. Just breathe, we'll figure it out, and when you get some cash and find the place we will ward and protect the property. Someday, you and Eileen will go out on dates and I'll watch that kid of yours and get to be the doting aunty - an aunty who will be able to protect that kid from anything that could cause or want to cause harm.”

Sam sighed, "You have some good points.”

“I do and your baby won't remember this place if they are a couple months old so if you think that way we've got a year to a year and a half before we gotta get you out of here. Once the baby is crawling you'll want your own place I imagine - mostly because I can't imagine chasing a crawling baby around this place."

Sam laughed, "Yeah, that doesn't sound super safe."

"Let's sit down and look at your goals tomorrow after I've had a few hours of sleep and some coffee."

"Dean's doing his test shift tomorrow right?"

"Yeah, he's also kinda nervous about it."

"I couldn't tell," Sam scoffed, "He's only been cooking everything he can. Did you know he took pictures of Bee's menu and was trying to make everything off that?"

"I had my suspicions," I chuckled. "I'm gonna hit the hay."

"Me too. Good night," Sam grinned and walked toward his room, his body appearing a little lighter after our talk.

Dean was set to do the breakfast shift the next day and then would come home. We thought he'd be back by 11 that morning but when he was thirty minutes late I began to worry. Being a hunter gives you certain skills - anxiety about someone being late is one.

I texted him but got no reply, then I called and got his voicemail - panic started to set in. Just when I was about to go looking for him my phone rang.

"Dean?"

"Hey Hon, I'm gonna be late coming home. They gave me the job and asked me to stay a full shift."

"What! That's great!"

"Yeah, so I'll be home after the lunch rush."

The day Eileen went into labor we were at the hardware store looking at paint samples - they hadn't even gotten the approval to move into the house yet and she was ready to start painting. I had a split second of panic when her water broke in the aisle but I called out to the clerk for a clean up and I rushed her out to the car.

I parked at the ER door and ran in to get help and the nurse who was helping wasn't going fast enough for my liking but I was trying to be polite and not holler at her.

"You seem to be in a panic but don't worry about it, she's got plenty of time."

“Not with our luck,” I muttered as I took my phone out and I called Sam and told him to get there ASAP, and an hour later Sam got there, scrubbed up and walked in the door.

I didn't even get to leave the room before Eileen was having the baby - we hadn't planned on me being in the room but they thought Eileen was having some kind of complication - it turned out she was having twins. Their first born was Robert Dean, the boy we were all expecting.

As the medical staff worried over Elieen the nurse caring for Robert shoved him into my arms, "Here's your nephew, congrats aunty."

I settled in the window seat and cooed, "Hey there, Bobby."

I watched him yawn and wriggle in my arms and I could vaguely hear someone calling out, "I see a head."

But I was in such awe of the handsome little boy in my arms that it didn't clue me into what was going on. Seeing him almost made me want my own baby. A thought that would thankfully vanish the first time that both babies needed a change and to be fed at the same time.

I'm in my 40s. I do not need a baby of my own, being aunty is perfect.

Bobby weighed almost eight pounds while his sister came in just under five.

Having twins slowed down the progress on getting the house finished but by the time Bobby crawled for the first time, we'd just brought the last load into the garage at the house - not that there was much to move since most of the furnishings came from the thrift shop or were delivered by the furniture store from the next town over.

With Lebanon being as small as it is, we don't have our own furniture shop so I was extra excited when we found out the closest place would deliver even though they were in a different town.

Eileen let me help her pick the decorations and theme for each baby's room - Regina or RC as Dean had taken to calling her, got the room that was supposed to be Sam's office.

They'd found an old farm house that had rich dark wood - most of which had been painted - that appalled me. Dean and I had spent weeks helping strip and refinish it so that it would look original. While helping at the house one afternoon the neighbors had stopped by with a fresh baked pie and a welcoming word.

I'd explained that we weren't the homeowners but that we'd pass the welcome along.

"So it's his brother that will live here?" the woman clarified.

"Yes, we're just helping because they have little ones and we wanted to be sure they didn't get too stressed."

"Well, do you two live here - near Lebanon?"

"Um, we've got a place way out in the country," I lied - the bunker isn't that far out.

She must have taken it as us living out in the middle of nowhere because she told us, "If you're looking for a place nearby there is a plot of land with two outbuildings and a newly remodeled house on it."

"Where is it?" Dean asked.

"About right here," she pointed to a map that was laying on the counter next to her. "If this map continued just a bit more this way you'd be here and it butts up against this area. It was my parents land but Ma passed on and Dad had to move to the nursing home. I've got my dad and aunt in the same place and we're selling the land my parents used to own."

"Who's the listing agent?” I asked.

"Here's her card - it's my cousin."

"I'll get in touch with her and set an appointment to look at the place," I said with a smile.

Dean and I were able to work out a lease to own agreement with them the following week and moved in a month later. The only reason it worked was because she said we had "good vibes,” so they’d picked us even though we didn’t offer the highest price. 

Dean and I planned to set up one of the outbuildings with an office for Sam since he didn't have enough space at their place with RC now residing in his office.

"Can you believe, they are two?" Jody asked from the doorway of Robert's room.

I waved her away and scurried out the door, closing it before I answered, "He will wake up if he hears us speaking," I hurried back down the hall before answering her question, "No, and the fact that they are expecting a little sister shocks me even more."

"Think there will be a second one hidden in there?" Claire teased.

"Gosh, I hope not," I laughed, "Adding on another bedroom and bathroom was hard enough, I'm not sure where they'd put a fourth kid, especially at nap time.”

I was so thankful for Jody and the girls being there at the party the next afternoon because just as Robert blew out the candle on his cupcake, Eileen let out this sound and I said to Sam, "She's in labor."

"I'm fine," she signed

"She's not fine," I replied. "Sam, you should take her to get checked, she's been doing deep breathing for the past twenty minutes."

He chuckled, turned his back to the rest of us and signed something to her.

Dean stared at me, even as Robert threw frosting on his shirt, "How do you know that?"

"Because I've been watching her, plus I went through this with her last time."

Five minutes later Sam whisked Eileen out the door, bags and carseat in hand.

The rest of us took turns cleaning up and entertaining the toddlers until we heard from Sam that mom and baby were doing well.

It had only been three hours since they'd left and was fortunately a smooth labor and recovery for both.

Sam and Eileen had kept the baby's name a secret until they returned home with her. Dean practically pounced on them to get a look at her - a little red face with blonde wispy hair peeked out of the purple swaddle blanket.

Dean's entire body seemed to melt a little, "Wow look at her."

"So have you picked the name yet?" I asked impatiently.

"This is Mary Jean Winchester," Sam announced and I watched Dean's eyes get watery.

"She's perfect," he marveled.

It was an instant connection between Dean and his niece Mary. Not that he cared any less for the twins but the bond that man had with that baby was quite amazing to watch and several times over the next few months we'd be awakened by calls from Sam asking Dean to come help figure out how to calm her.

Dean would take her into his arms and begin to hum, "Hey Jude," or "Smoke on the Water," and Mary would settle nearly instantly.

She even came home with us a couple of nights so poor Eileen could get a night of rest.

If I were younger it might have given me baby fever watching Dean hold her and coo to calm her.

The first day of kindergarten for the twins went smoother than I thought it would, Regina cried a little but Robert hugged her and promised it would be OK. By the end of the week the teachers had to call Sam and Eileen in to discuss putting the twins in separate classes.

Robert was so protective of his Regina that he wouldn't let her use scissors, or leave the classroom without him. This had become an issue because he tried to follow her in the girls restroom and the other girls of course didn't approve.

The following week came with tears over being separated the first two days but they adjusted and were able to eat lunch together and play outside at recess so it started to get easier for them.

On the days that the kids were at school I cared for Mary and on the days that Dean wasn't at the diner he'd teach Mary how to work on the car, or he'd take her to the park.

"Having those three always wears me out but damn, do I love them," he murmured as we waved good-bye from the porch, one evening. 

"Yeah, you're not changing your mind about wanting kids are you?"

Dean laughed heartily, "No way. Having them is perfect. I get to teach them things, play with them, and when they are cranky at the end of the day we don't have to fight them for bath and bedtime. We get the best part of having kids around."

"Plus, Sam and Eileen know they are always safe with us."

"We'd have been good parents, but I'm too old for a baby," Dean muttered.

I was flooded with relief because I felt the same way.

"Think they'll have any more?"

"I hope not," he laughed. "Not that I'd love another kid any less but three is plenty to handle, don't you think?"

I just laughed, Dean had valid points but I did miss seeing him cuddle sweet little Winchester babies.

Our life was finally good - I cared for the kiddos when Sam and Eileen needed, I helped at the diner which we were in the process of buying, and I assigned hunts or doled out info to hunters as needed.

I even got Dean an apron to wear at home that read, "Cooking things, filling bellies - the family business."

He'd rolled his eyes but wore it every Sunday for our family cookouts.

SPN Fam:

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When I got to the library Sam had a box from one of the storage rooms, "So, I read in here," he stated as he pulled an old leather journal out, "about a town in Florida that has a population who works with and lives with the fae - they have some type of contract and work together and have for many years. From what I can tell the town is still there and it's still functioning the same.

"We could take Dean there and see if he can see and interact with them."

"Dean has seen the fairy realm."

"I know, but if he's in it now he'll be able to interact with both sides."

"That's probably true."

"OK, we should eat and then make choices," I stated.

"Is Dean in here?" Sam asked.

"I don't know. I can't see him - I can feel him," I paused not wanting to divulge too much detail.

Sam, obviously knowing his brother replied with an, "Eew he went all Patrick Swayze didn't he?"

I giggled, and I'm sure that Sam could tell how heated my cheeks had become, "If you don't want the details why are you asking?"

Sam rubbed his temples and walked away.

Two hours later we'd had dinner, made plans, done a little more research, and loaded up the car.

"Why did you pack a bag for him? Can he even change clothes?"

"I don't know," I spat. "How many times have you dealt with your brother being invisible?"

Sam chuckled, "Well, at least twice that I know of."

I burst out laughing at the memory of Dean using a little too much of the stretch mark vanishing cream that Rowena and I had made.

When Dean and I first got together I was feeling a bit insecure with my body - especially compared to his, and asked her for help. The thing with the cream was, you were only supposed to use a tiny amount and it didn't fully remove the stretch marks but it lightened them enough that I felt a little more confident.

Dean put some on and it didn't do anything so he rubbed it all over his face, neck, and hands - which once it kicked in was enough to render him invisible for about two days.

We all had a good laugh and he agreed never to touch my special stash of beauty products again.

I went to sit in the back seat and ended up realizing that Dean and I had tried to sit in the same seat.

"That's my spot," I grumbled as I slid over to the other seat.

Eileen was in the front and Sam was obviously driving, so I scooted over and laughed at how ridiculous it must have looked.

A few hours into the trip Dean began to tickle and poke me which I didn't think was fair.

"Do I need to pull this car over?" Sam teased.

"Maybe Dean needs to pee," I shouted and squealed as he poked my ribs.

After pulling off to top off the car and take a break from the monotonous scenery, we piled back in the car and continued east.

We did stop to sleep in a motel about half way there and by the time we got to the little town in Florida I was a nervous wreck. I realized I couldn't see Dean and that also meant I couldn't hold his hand to keep him near me - can you imagine me just walking around this town holding hands with nobody?!

"You seem… nervous?" Sam mumbled as we pulled items from the trunk.

"I can't see him,” I answered. “We can't communicate here like we have been at home."

"It'll be OK," Sam patted my shoulder, "We'll figure it out."

I stepped into the motel room, assuming Dean had entered I shut the door behind me. Thankfully, he was able to knock. I opened the door and he stepped in and tapped my hand.

"Sorry, I can't see you," I reminded.

I'm sure he was laughing at me at this point. Dean often laughs when I'm stressing over what he calls ‘tiny details’. He doesn't do it to be mean it's just his way of lightening the mood.

I'd have given anything to hear him chuckle in that moment - it would honestly have been so calming.

Being able to communicate and feel him around me was better than not having him but damn, I missed hearing him.

My suspicions were confirmed the moment we started interacting with the town's people.

"Wow, you're tall," an elderly lady remarked as she stepped up close to me on the sidewalk.

"I'm not that tall," I smiled nervously.

"Not you that handsome fella you got following ya around. Is he your fella?" she asked but quickly turned to focus on Dean.

"So she can't see you?" she asked.

"Well that's a damn shame for her," she giggled and paused again to listen.

"Oh you're married," she cooed and glanced at me. "How did you get brought to the invisible realm?"

"Invisible realm?" I asked.

The woman ignored me and continued to talk to Dean, "Yeah, we call it the invisible realm because most humans can't see the things we can. If you talk too heavily of the fae or the invisible realm at my age your family tries to bag you up and plop you in an old folks home."

"I believe you," I encouraged.

"That's lovely dear," she reached out and patted my hand, "I have to get to my yoga class, but you should go see Miss Patty at the crystal shop. It's called Mysticals and Magiks on Third Street - building is purple with dark green trim, you can't miss it."

"Um yeah but…"

She interrupted me, "Tell Miss Patty that Miss Peggy sent ya and explain your story," she smiled politely at us before walking past.

Dean's hand suddenly gripped mine tightly and we started walking down the street, "Did she pinch your butt?" I asked.

Tap

"Horny on Main, I guess," I stated with a sigh. "I will never get over people just touching you and Sam."

Dean squeezed my hand and we continued the two blocks to the crystal shop.

I was greeted by the most cheerful redhead, "Hello, welcome to Mysticals and Magiks, is there anything you're looking for today?" she called out, "Oh well aren't you a handsome one?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes, I thought it was hard to be next to him on a normal basis when people made comments but there was something far worse about this happening when I couldn't see him!

"So, I take it you can see my husband," I spoke up.

"Oh yes," her eyes shot to our hands and then back to my face, "You are one lucky lady."

"I am, thank you," I replied curtly. "We bumped into Miss Peggy and she told us to come here and talk with Miss Patty about our problem."

"What's your problem?" the woman asked.

"My man is invisible."

"Oh," her hand went to her chest, "You were holding hands so I thought you could see him too," she gasped.

"No and I really want to be able to."

"Of course you do, he is handsome. Wait, how did this come to be?" she asked, "You weren't sold to his family through a fae deal were you?"

"No, he's human and I used to be able to see him," I quipped, "And I'd very much like to again."

"Well, tell me how you got to this point?"

I explained what had happened and how long it had been since Dean had vanished - Miss Patty was very shocked over the whole story.

Her and Dean talked for a bit and I honestly wasn't sure what was going on because I couldn't hear his side of the story. After a few minutes of them going back and forth I heard the bell jingle and turned to see Sam and Eileen.

"I'll be with you in a moment," Miss Patty called.

Sam smiled and gave me a look, I've hunted with the Winchesters long enough to know what he was asking.

"He's family," I stated vaguely and Sam gave me a small nod, it was a move that only Dean, Eileen, or I would have picked up on.

About twenty minutes later we were headed back to the motel room with a bag full of supplies, a sheet of paper for the spell we'd need, and another with the address of the Fae Mayor.

From what I gathered, the fae realm ran on its own code and rules but the humans in this town had all kinds of agreements with them and they worked together in various ways. The Men of Letters had investigated many years back and had decided to leave them be but keep an eye on them. Since that point they had continued living their lives their way and it was totally normal for anyone born in the town or who'd made a fae deal to get along fine in the town.

I knew how wrong fae deals could go and was a bit confused about that but if it seemed to be working for them who was I to judge or demand changes?

Miss Patty explained that Mayor Tall-Tree was the fae mayor and worked hand-in-hand with Mr. Dosey, the human mayor. We needed to meet Mayor Tall-Tree and he would help us perform a releasing ceremony that would allow Dean's soul and being to return to our side of the realm fully.

When we arrived at the area known as “the circle" we followed  Mayor Tall-Tree up the little hill to the actual circle. He explained the ceremony and ended with the fact that the person whose soul was closest to Dean's needed to complete the ceremony with him.

I instantly figured this would be Sam because of how strong of a bond the brothers have always had but Dean's hand came to mine and tugged me toward the center of the circle.

"So you are both human right?" the Mayor confirmed.

"Yes," I nodded.

Dean told him something and Mayor Tall-Tree nodded, "OK then, I can indeed complete this ceremony with you."

We placed the bowls of herbs and crystals around just how he instructed, and by we I mean me because Dean was getting very weak and having trouble connecting with the world around us.

I was becoming very worried but Tall-Tree insisted only Dean and I could be in the circle until it was set up so neither he nor Sam could help me set up.

Once I poured the oil mixture into the bowls set at the perimeter of the circle, Tall-Tree called out, "Now you will take out your silver blade and when I tell you to you will slice your palm and drip your blood into the bowl you set up at the center of the connection circle."

"OK," I called out to him before stepping closer to the center, "Dean?"

His hand landed on mine and I nearly screamed - there's something about being out in the dark at the edge of an even darker forest that stirs up the fear I try to keep buried deep inside me.

"You are too tense, dear. You must calm down, open up to your love."

I took a deep cleansing breath - imagining myself turning and seeing Dean. That idea calmed me enough.

"That's better."

"You better never go invisible on me again," I grumbled at Dean and felt his hands shake against mine as if he were laughing. 

"OK, now we can start," Mayor Tall-Tree called out, clapping his hands together, excitement filling his face.

When we started the Mayor called out all the steps and we did them. I felt Dean's grip getting weaker as he spoke to us but I just kept making sure we moved through the steps that needed to be done. I did appreciate that he was listing each step out as we went so I didn't get lost or confused.

"Last step - step 10," he shouted as he stepped into the circle. "I will join you and thus join our two worlds. You will both forever be enmeshed with the fae and each other. If this displeases either of you please tell me now and we will stop the ceremony."

My heart rate increased and I could hear my pulse in my ears - 'What if Dean wanted to stop the ceremony?'

"I need your answer, my dear."

"Please don't stop, u-unless Dean asks to."

"Well, he already answered a firm yes to proceed, now that you are in agreement, proceed we shall."

He now had Dean slice his own palm and place it against mine as he chanted and danced all around us. A bright flash of light engulfed us, I slammed my eyes shut, unable to handle the glow that seemed to burn into my eyes as it got brighter.

"It is done!" the Mayor clapped his hands together loudly before simply walking back down the hill toward Sam.

I took another breath to steady myself and opened my eyes, everything was a bit fuzzy, almost out of focus but then. . .

There he was - my big strong hunter - except he wasn't. The time in the other world had not treated Dean well.

He was pale, eyes sinking into large dark circles, his face gaunt and more angular than I'd ever seen it.

"Tally," he whispered.

"Dean," I gasped as I pulled him toward me.

"Fuck I've missed this," he mumbled, his voice gruff and somewhat strained, probably from a lack of use.

"Let's get you some food, huh?"

"I'd like something more than soup," he whispered.

"OK, but you have to eat slowly."

As we got closer to the car Sam's face paled, obvious concern flooded him - Dean was thin, his hair even looked thinner than we were used to.

I shot Sam a stern look and shook my head - something told me that if we made a big deal of how thin and weak Dean was looking it would make him feel bad.

"I'm so fuckin glad to see you," Sam rushed up and hugged his brother. "I'm sorry we didn't realize."

Dean cleared his throat, "Hey, at least you tried and figured it out. But let's go get some grub. I'm starving."

"You should take it easy," Sam started but I cleared my throat and shot him a glare.

"Dean's gonna eat slowly but if he wants a steak I'll buy him a steak," I stated firmly. "Hell, I'll buy him five," I whispered.

Sam nodded and put an arm around his brother to steer him to the car.

"Thank you, Mayor Tall-Tree. I am honored that you agreed to help us."

He nodded, "It is done and you will all be well now," he moved his hands in the same gesture I remembered seeing him do during the ceremony, right before I had to shut my eyes. "Go on your way and get that boy some food."

"Thank you. Blessed be," I bowed my head slightly - just the way Miss Patty told me to before taking my leave from the man.

"Blessed be and safe travels to you," he returned before vanishing from my sight.

I hurried back to the car and slid into the seat next to Dean, taking his hand in mine before telling Sam to take us to the steakhouse I'd seen in the other town we'd stayed in the first day we'd been there looking for help.

I lifted Dean's hand and kissed his knuckles like I often do after a hunt.

He smiled and took a deep breath before sinking into the seat and closing his eyes.

I quickly pulled a bottle of water out of the cooler and handed it to him, "Don't go to sleep yet. Sip some water."

"You're bossy," he grunted and took a few small sips.

"Yeah, you love it," I taunted, trying my damnedest to keep things light.

Dean ate slowly and methodically, enjoying every bite - I had to admit I was glad that it was a weeknight and there weren't many other patrons in the place to hear the nearly obscene sounds he made as he enjoyed each bite.

"If you don't stop enjoying that steak so loudly I'm going to have to leave," Sam stage whispered.

Eileen poked him and he typed what was going on out on his phone and showed her.

She laughed and waggled her eyebrows at me.

"Couple of comedians over there," I snarked.

When we got to a motel a couple hours down the road I dragged Dean into the shower and massaged his back and shoulders with my "fancy" body wash.

"Want me to get out so you can wash up?"

"Are you getting tired?"

He nodded, "Yeah, a little."

"Kiss?" I asked with a pout and he kissed my cheek and got out of the shower.

I waited until he was out of the bathroom before sinking to the floor of the shower and sobbing as quietly as I could. I don't know what I was expecting but to see him so thin, to feel his bones in spots that were so muscular before - that was something I wasn't expecting.

He was wasting away and I could have helped him sooner if I'd have just been smarter about things. I hadn't hated myself this bad in a long time. I thought back to a few weeks prior when I started to feel the darkness easing from me but now it felt almost as though I'd been stuffed into a box with the lid nailed shut over me.

I told myself that I couldn't get into the dumps over this because it wasn't going to be productive -I could help Dean now and that's what I needed to focus on.

When I forced myself up from the shower floor and finally got dressed I found Dean sound asleep. I climbed into bed next to him and thought I'd fall fast asleep, I had the love of my life back. Sleep seemed as though it would never return to me; I spent hours just staring at Dean. It felt like if I stopped looking at him he'd disappear again. I knew then that my heart couldn't take that happening, ever again.

After the past few months it was confirmed deep in my very being - the next time Dean died - that would be the end of me.

As the first vestiges of morning began to streak across the sky, I began to doze. I couldn't have slept more than an hour or two before Sam was banging on the door.

"Who the fuck ordered the wake-up call?" Dean grumbled as he plodded to the door, my gun in his hand ready for anything.

"Sammy," Dean growled, "What the fuck?"

"I thought you two would be ready to get home," Sam explained, pausing and looking my way, "Oh, you don't look so good."

"Thanks you ass," I grumbled as I plodded toward the bathroom - I mean, I must have looked terrible after almost no sleep but he didn't have to point it out!

We pushed the rest of the way home in one very long drive - one very long and boring drive.

The moment we parked, Dean announced that he was going to make dinner and grabbed the two bags of groceries before rushing to the kitchen. Normally I'd have rushed inside with him but I lingered out by the car helping Sam gather our bags and a few other items.

"Is he OK?" Sam asked.

"I don't really know," I whispered, "He's so pale, and thin," I shook my head trying to keep my emotions under control. "I should have.."

Sam's hand flew up, covering my mouth - well more like half my face.

"Don't start that shit."

"What shit?" I asked once he removed his giant hand.

"Where you get all self-loathing and then get depressed. You could not have known. We were both stuck on one track and that's not our fault and it's not his and you can't beat yourself up about it. You were trying and that's the most important part. You figured it out, you got him back - it doesn't matter that it didn't happen sooner, at least it happened."

"I know and yet it still doesn't feel like enough," I yanked mine and Dean's bags from the trunk and marched into the bunker.

The first few days felt strained - Dean was as loving and attentive as he'd ever been with me but I couldn't get past the idea that he deserved better than me. I tried to be good and care for him how he deserved but even that felt wrong - I didn't want him worrying over me, especially right now when he was the one who needed to rest and heal.

If our roles were reversed I wouldn't have been invisible for more than six months! Dean would have figured it out and saved me far quicker than I'd done for him!

I couldn't get past these thoughts for weeks and then Dean announced that we were taking a family vacation, and I'll be honest that sounded like the scariest thing ever.

Dean was just starting to get some weight back and real color to his skin. It had taken two weeks before the purplish black circles had lightened up under his eyes. Another three before he was even starting to get close to his normal weight. I'd complained at Dean that he needed to go to the doctor for a physical.

Dean of course argued that a physical wasn't a good idea because he couldn't exactly go in and say, "Hey doc, I spent nearly a year in the fairy realm, it caused me to not be able to eat properly so I lost a bunch of weight and I thought you might be able to tell me how I'm doing. No, I don't need a psychiatric screening. Why would you think that?"

I backed down for another week or so and started making Dean go to town and walk around with me either strolling down Main Street or through the park.

On our third day of walking Dean realized how out of shape he'd become so he had agreed to go to the health fair that we'd seen advertised. They did a full blood panel, checked his heart, and a blood test for cancer screening. It all came back fairly good; Dean's cholesterol was surprisingly low compared to his old eating habits and he was low on some vitamins.

After I got him some vitamins to take and started hiding veggies in our meals, he got his weight back up and his stamina.

Sparing and bedroom activity levels came back after that and life started to feel a little more normal.

When we got to Jody's cabin I felt a little better about the whole "family vacation."

That evening as we were making dinner Jody asked, "So, are you OK?"

"I'm great," I replied as I continued to chop the items for our salad.

"OK," she sighed, "But you don't seem OK."

"I don't know what you want me to tell you," I laid the knife down and turned to face her.

"Well, how 'bout the truth?"

"If you know the truth why don't you tell me?"

"You're terrified of losing him again," she shot back, "You're also loathing yourself because you weren't fast enough to rescue him sooner, and you know that he's gonna want to get back to hunting soon. How's that for starters?"

I stared at her, "Well, since you have all the answers why don't you tell me," I quipped feeling too vulnerable.

"Seems like I've hit a nerve," Jody crossed her arms.

"OK, so what?"

"You two need to talk."

"When he's ready we will."

I started to reach for the knife to keep working when Jody said, "What about when you are ready?"

"I'm not the one that almost died."

"Oh please, a piece of you died the moment you thought he was gone and you won't survive that again," she stated way too matter-of-factually. "Dean has had too many close calls, not to mention the actual calls."

"Do you think I don't know this - the man has died over 120 times and that doesn't count the times when he wasn't dead but close!"

"Why are we shouting?" Claire asked as she rushed into the kitchen.

"I need some air," I tossed the knife down and rushed out the door.

Dean caught up to me twenty minutes later as I settled against a tree down by the creek that skirted the far end of Jody's land.

"So?" Dean's voice startled me out of my thoughts.

"Jody says we need to talk."

"I didn't tell her to send you out here."

"I know," he replied, looking for a spot to settle himself. "I came out here because I was worried about you."

"Great," I muttered, "Now I'm making you worry."

"What the hell does that mean?" he snapped.

"I'm supposed to make things easier for you. We're partners," I reminded. "And I'm causing you strife."

"No, you aren't," he scoffed, "You're my wife and I'm worried I've been putting too much on you … I should cause you as little stress as possible. But I'm afraid between me being me and my line of work that's all I've done to you for years."

He wasn't wrong but I wasn't going to admit to it …  his job does stress me out to the nth degree, not him.

"Dean, you …I love you."

"I know - after twenty-some years I'm still trying to figure out why."

"Because you are my person."

He chuckled and looked down and for a moment he had this soft boyish smile as his hair fell partially over his handsome face.

"You know I kinda like the longer hair."

He shook his head, "I'm not so sure but I'll let it be a little longer if you want… but then I'm chopping it."

"You should choose. It's your body."

"You don't have to do that, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"The thing where you always put me first," he smiled softly at me and my heart melted a little.

"You can be selfish for once."

"OK, then let's give the hair another week before you decide."

Dean rolled his eyes, "If that's the best I'm gonna get out of you."

"I don't want you to hunt anymore," I blurted.

Dean's eyes shot back up to meet mine again, "Oh," he whispered.

"Just thinking of you going out on another hunt makes my stomach hurt. It literally makes me want to vomit."

"OK."

"OK? What does that mean?"

"It means OK. I will become more of a background helper in the hunting community."

"Are you just saying this to placate me?"

"Yes and no," he smirked. "Being stuck in your own realm for half a year gets you to thinking."

"I mean, if we wanna be technical it was almost closer to three-quarters of a year."

Dean chuckled, "I suppose it was," he paused to look around.

"What?" I asked, my Spidey senses going on full alert.

"There's a deer," he whispered, and pointed off to my left a bit.

She stood there frozen, staring at us as her baby tumbled out of some brush and landed at her feet.

"We should let them be," I whispered.

"Just be still, we don't wanna spook the mama."

We watched the baby toddle around her legs before scampering off in the opposite direction and the mother deer following closely behind.

"I know that not all encounters in the forest will end like that but I don't want to be hunting creatures in the forest anymore," I admitted as I turned to face Dean. "I don't want you to be hunting creatures anymore either."

He cupped my cheek, "I know, and I think you're right, we need to try something else. Do you want to leave the bunker?"

"Yes - and no," I answered honestly. "Part of me wants to be done. Find some cute cabin and avoid most everything - but I also know just how dangerous a cabin in the woods can be," I shrugged. "I think it might be something we should talk about - talk out and make decisions slowly."

"But no hunting?" he clarified.

"I don't think I can handle it. The anxiety I feel just thinking about you going out there and getting hurt again, or worse - again. Dean I'm going to be honest with you, I don't think I'll come out on the other end if you die again.

"Well, Darlin’, I'm probably gonna die again."

"I know, but I don't want it to be next week or even next year. I want it to be when we're old and not like Bobby old 'cause we are getting up there," I stated.

Dean chuckled, "Yeah, I'm closer to his age than I want to admit."

"I want us to be old, retired hunters who drop dead of being … old," I murmured.

"OK I think we need to stop talking about being old," he teased. "I'm far older than I ever imagined I'd get to be."

"I know. Me too honestly, but now that we're here we need to talk and think about it. Sam and Eileen want to get married and have kids," I blurted.

Dean sat there in silence for several beats before asking, "Do you want kids?"

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precursory (pre-cur-sory), a, dictionaries define a precursory as something coming before something else; in regards to the placenta effect, this is often the event that triggers two individuals, often friends, into becoming non-committed partners

If you had said to Dean that the journey to point B was longer than the one back to point A, he would’ve agreed with you. There’s an excitement in the unknowing, no matter the path you take. 

It could be physical, it could be emotional, it could even be spiritual—or psychic, which it was in Dean’s case. At least, that’s how it all started. Dean, you, Jody, Missouri, and her deceased friend Dede’s quaint little store in Omaha. 

Though she shouldn’t have, “Come on,” Dean said to Missouri, once she’d thanked him, raising his hands to her and flapping them for one last hug before the three of you hit the road. 

Buckhead. It sounded more like you were hitting Texas in search of Beavis over somewhere in Georgia. But Missouri’s eyes hardened on him, and that thought went out the window, along with his pride. 

How could he even joke like that? Missouri was hurting. Dean knew how serious this was. She was family, and that made James and her granddaughter Patience his family, too, and top priority. He needed to protect them, as he’d set out to do when he left the bunker that morning.

So with the strings of Dede’s beaded curtain still casting their purple haze over his face, and the incense in the air, burning his lungs and eyes, Dean wrapped his arms ‘round Missouri, and drew her in tight until her bulky necklace dug a hole into his chest.

She squeezed him just as hard. Didn’t let him go when he pulled back to say his goodbyes. Her hands moved to his upper arms and gripped him that much harder. Those eyes of hers, more stubborn than his ever were, latched onto him in a death grip as she reached deep into his soul. 

“Dean Winchester.” The rise in the first two syllables of his name held a slight in her tone he couldn’t quite understand during the second rendition. 

He expected her to tell him to hurry. To floor it down the interstate. But those same eyes flicked over you, already out the door with Jody, waiting for him. They softened—she smiled like she’d watched over you her entire life.

It disappeared when they fell back on him again; however, “You’ve had some great losses. Don’t you lose her, too,” she said.

All Dean could do was protest. At least he tried to. Typically, Missouri knew it. 

He opened his mouth to tell her he wouldn’t, because of course, he wouldn’t. You were family, too. She shook her head and doubled down before his throat had even formed the words. 

“I mean it. She deserves a man who treats her right. Not one that leaves her out in the cold.”

He wasn’t planning on leaving you anywhere. As far as deserving a man who treated you right? Well, he wanted that for you too, he supposed. Wasn’t his business. He licked his lips and fluttered his lashes like he’d misunderstood her that time. “Lucky we’re just partners then.” You’d whip his ass if he tried to pull anything on or in you.  

Missouri frowned. “No.” She grabbed his right ear and tugged hard enough to make his head lower to her level. “You look out for her. Even when you feel she’s done you wrong, you don’t let her go.”

She patted his cheek like nothing had happened, glare turning into a warm smile when she tilted her chin. “You’re a good man, Dean Winchester. Remember that.”

And…well…that…

His grin reached the crowns of his cheeks, but he hid it by tilting his own chin downward. Arms, letting go of her, shoved his hands deep into his pockets before the moment turned any softer. “Missouri.” He practically bowed. “Always good to see you.” 

And with that, he slinked away, taking his leave towards you and Jody. Missouri’s words clinging to him like she’d poured milk in his coffee for the first time in years and he’d found the taste much sweeter than he remembered. 

It sure was new. The concept…interesting. Not that he’d thought about you like that, because he hadn’t. Not really. Well…only in the instances when his body dutifully reminded him you were indeed a woman, and had the parts that made his engine tick. 

But thanks to Missouri’s words, there were a few extra points on the journey home from Buckhead that stirred the melting pot. It came to a head when you arrived back at Dede’s shop two days later. Your every movement, word, and the aromas that surrounded you took every piece of his attention.

Jody was closing the door behind her as you slunk into the passenger seat from the back. “Thanks for the ride.” She leant on the open window, ducking her head down to see you better. 

“O’course.” Dean swiped his own to the side. He’d never leave Jody stranded back in Georgia. Not after Sam’d called her out here how he had. “You gonna stop over, or you need us to follow you outta town?” he asked, regretting it as soon as he had. Up close and next to him, whatever fruit-scented concoction you’d last used throughout the day was bleeding into his air again. 

He knew he didn’t have the patience of a saint, but if she said yes to his offer, he needed to find it, and quick, because you were confused and shooting him a narrow stare. 

Though it failed to compare to the longer exchanges of stifled grins you’d been giving him through the rearview, thankfully, Jody shook her head. “I think I’m going to drop in on Claire,” she said in that motherly way of hers. Even under their low coverage, the street lamps dusted her face with a warm glow. 

“Well, send her our love.” You patted her arm, and with one last wave, Dean pulled Baby out of the lot and onto the main drag outta Omaha. The bunker was only three hours away, give or take, and he was in a rush to get her somewhere.

His eyes flicked between you and the road a few times. He’d been a cocky son of a bitch that morning, but he’d been in his element then. Already under the sheets with you. 

“What about you? You good to keep going?” His right hand moved to the vinyl between you, waiting to see what you’d do. 

He could drive this path one handed if he had to. Eyes closed, or on you, didn’t matter. He knew that road like the scars on his hands, and right now he wanted to trace them over you.

If he thought the effects of Bevill’s blood purifying spell were catching up with him, since the motel, earlier that day in Memphis, his pipes were buckling under pressure. His balls, the bluest they’d ever been after any of his virginity losses, and nothing, nothing, felt innocent anymore when those exchanges in the rearview had also tested his jaw and the flexibility of his wrist.

While you slid that bit closer to him, brushing your thigh against his fingers, much to his disappointment, “I’m good,” you said. Though you did push his Zeppelin tape back into the deck.

“Woman after my heart,” he muttered.

“I like to please.” The same smile you’d been giving him all day flashed across your cheeks. 

Yeah…you liked to please, alright.

You both settled into a comfortable silence after that as he drove through the last of the city’s outer limits, not taking long for Baby to ease onto the highway once he got her there. Your lips were mouthing to Levee when Dean opened up her throttle. The roar of her engine suited him just fine, even though his two weeks continued rolling through the back of his mind.

It didn’t help that there was a pounding in his chest each time he felt you shift next to him that went against the grain and straight to his groin, either. He had to remind himself that it was nothing. That it wasn’t on purpose, because he was running out of ways to get his blood moving. There were only so many positions he could shift his foot on the gas— 

“You think Patience’ll stay out of it?” he asked to break his thoughts.

“Dunno.” You considered him longer than he expected you would. The way your finger and thumb ran across your mouth and puckered your lower lip had to be purposeful, ‘cause it sure backfired on his resolve. “Seems like a waste not to use her gift,” you said.

“Her dad doesn’t think so.” And Dean couldn’t believe he was siding with James on that, but he’d meant what he’d said to her. There was no joy in hunting monsters. She was better off in calculus and normal, even if Dean didn’t see that for himself anymore.

“And he didn’t pull out those gems when he was desperate?” You clicked your tongue. Dean supposed it was fitting for Missouri’s sake. 

Holding the family legacy. Helping people the way the Mosley matriarch had done. “Noticed Jody slipped her a card.”

“Yeah?”

“Seems everyone’s fishing for kids now.” He shook his head. Unlike his ‘woman after his heart’ comment, he didn’t mean for you to take it as seriously as you did. 

“You jealous?” And that’s when you chose to look at him? Because you looked at him like Missouri had done, reaching into his soul, trying to find meaning in something that wasn’t there. 

“No.” Just because Patience had people ‘round looking out for her didn’t mean he wanted to change his past. Though even he could recognise he was way too defensive with the word.

“You sure about that?” He nodded, but he wasn’t expecting the judgemental scoff that came next. “Because Jack needs our help, too y’know,” you said, and…wait…wait…

“What?” Lucifer’s spawn? Dean’s face screwed up, only for him to blink his way out of it, spluttering a reply he never thought he’d have to say to you of all people. “That kid needs to be locked in a box and dumped in the ocean.” At least until Dean could find a way to gank him.

“Sam thinks he’s innocent,” you whispered, and Dean pulled his right hand, still close to you on the bench and waiting for contact the entire time, away and up to the wheel, curling his fingers tight over the leather.

“He’s already killed three people.” 

“And one of them was his mom.” 

Your eyes fixed on him again, but Dean refused to look back at you. That just made it worse.

Even when your palm came down to his thigh and squeezed the taut muscle there like you’d done many times of late, he continued to focus on the road and the slow rhythm of Dazed and Confused’s baseline. 

Wanted a woman; never bargained for you. The lyrics never felt truer to him than they did now. But as Plant spoke to him through the music; you continued to speak to him in real time. Something about the year being a shit show and things looking up. Dean didn’t care.

He huffed and rolled his eyes at the sentiment. He didn’t appreciate the kind words no matter how hard you tried until your hand caught his attention by moving higher up his thigh. “Least, they were.” You squeezed him again.

If that weren’t an innuendo or an advance on his interest, he was better off a virgin—there was no way anyone could misconstrue that. Your hand was heading somewhere. Your fingers curved ‘round the shape of his leg. Dipped into his nether regions. Your fingertips slid up further into that junction his jeans made when he sat down and the fabric billowed.

“Woah.” He swallowed—chuckled even, because he’d been flirting with you all day. Now it was all too real. 

And when you said his name? The way it rolled off your tongue, sank straight into his gut, where his balls somehow connected, awakened, tingling and warm. 

“You asked me if I wanted to keep going.” You said it like he didn’t understand what you were doing. Not in that fake way a lot of his previous one-night-stands used on him. No, you played it like you were in control. The same woman he’d known for years, who hustled pool and knew how to wield a blade, coming onto him, all confident and comfortable in her skin. 

“Well—I wanna keep going.” Your hand moved over him. Fingers curled down and ‘round, thankfully not as firm as he’d been with the wheel just now. 

They stroked over the thick layer covering him in much the same way he’d be touching you if he weren’t hurtling Baby down the interstate. 

His eyes snapped to yours, flicking between you and the road for as long as it was safe to do so. “You sure about this?” Because his dick was betraying him, awakening with an obvious yes, you only had to look down and see. 

His head, however? The one up top that mattered was hesitant. Like you were confusing him with all that talk of Jack and Kelly Kline. 

Jamie. The Carmelita. Technically, like you with his morning wood, he’d come onto them first, but they weren’t friends in the sense that he knew you. That he considered you family and them, flashes from the scarce headlights of the scarcer lit highway. Maybe it was a good thing Jody had been there last night and all day? 

Though what the hell was going on with his inhibitions? He’d been wanting you alone, and here you were. You pressed your body against him. Your other hand, not stroking him, came to his neck with your sweet, sweet mouth. If his blood hadn’t already rushed south yet, it was sprinting down his veins to the finish line.

He felt himself twitch. He sure as hell felt your hand twitch in response, moving to cover more of him. To put pressure on and trace the outline of his hardening length. 

“So is that your gun?” you whispered into his ear. “Cause I think you told me you’d let me see it this time.”

And that did it. That was all it took. Dean’s resolve gone, his charming, slack-jaw ways replacing it with a sudden onslaught of a southern drawl he hadn’t quite meant to use. 

“S’happy to see you, darlin’,” he said. His own hand dropped to your thigh and tucked his fingers nice and close to where he wanted to be.

“Yeah?” You nibbled under his jaw with soft, but purposeful kisses as he searched for somewhere to pull off the second he was able. You were on him the next. 

Your jacket removed, your leg thrown over his lap to straddle him. He pulled your core flush against him, moaning as your lips came down on his for the first time. Plush and full of warmth and life; clear in their intentions. You were as receptive to him as any other partner he’d had in the past. 

Sensual, sexual, it felt way too damn good for someone he was supposed to care about, and maybe that’s why it did?  

But it didn’t stop there. Nope. Far from it. You became an outlet. He used you; you used him. Like Bob Seiger once said, neither one of you cared, because you didn’t seem to have as much to lose—back then.

A/N: It’s been a while since I posted something. Hopefully, this is a nice comeback as I'm rather proud of this work. Tomorrow's chapter get's us into the non-linear side of things at a little over 10k…. Prepare for more smut, and the start of the case this story centres around! Until then ❤️

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I was holding it gingerly between my thumb and forefinger, still blowing on it, when Sam pushed out of the cage the witch had him locked in, her powers having faded out with her death.

It wasn't logical and yet all I could think of was cooling the ring and keeping it safe.

Sam ran around the corner and into the large room halting at my side, “W-what happened?!”

“He killed her,” I pointed to the small pile of dust that laid where she’d been standing.

But there was nothing left of my husband except his silver wedding band – devastated didn’t even feel like a strong enough word to describe how I felt.

I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing or not. I felt as though I was trapped in a fog, sounds felt muffled.

Sam was amazing, though. He cleaned up the scene so no one would know we’d been there; I was aware of him moving about but when I tried to help him clean up all I did was shake and make things worse.

After cleaning up inside, Sam took the time to search the property; making sure Dean hadn’t just been snapped somewhere else. He was methodical, searching every inch of the place for another hidden cage or room - he of course, found nothing.

Sam found me right where he’d placed me before going to investigate the property, the only change being that I’d managed to put Dean’s ring on my necklace and reclasp it. I had been sitting there contemplating everything. 

The room was gross, covered in dust and a layer of grime I didn’t want to think about. Sam had led me over to an old metal desk that wasn’t directly in the witch’s workspace, it was the cleanest spot in the room. I remember him telling me to sit and wait, promising he’d be back in a minute. I thought about the layout of the room, a large L-shaped space. Some of the janky cages she’d put together were directly across from where I sat while the different workstations dotted the floor in either direction. The one wall of the cage Sam had been held in was nothing more than an old bed frame that was somehow tied to the brackets that had once held some piece of equipment. If she hadn’t cast a spell on that cage a toy poodle could have torn it down. 

Then I went over the facts of the hunt - replaying every moment that had gone wrong. We'd spent weeks tracking her down, across three states. We had a suspicion she'd made Sam a few days prior but there was nobody close enough to get to us and help out so we pushed forward. We figured out where her hideout was and nearly got caught doing recon on the second night. Then we'd spent the afternoon planning and taking a nap so we'd be alert enough to actually carry out the hunt.

When the witch had caught Sam in her lair she'd tossed some dust at him and snapped her fingers, zapping him somewhere. I was hidden but had seen it happen. She knew we were there and we had to rush - find Sammy, kill the witch who had already killed three in this town alone, and get the hell out of there without drawing attention.

Sam had been trapped in the cell just around the corner of the big open room she seemed to be using as storage for her supplies and her main workspace for creating the spells. While I'd searched for a way to open Sam's cage, the witch had entered the main room where Dean was looking for keys or some type of electric switch.

She screeched when she saw Dean and charged him just as I returned to the room but before I could do anything to help him, Dean lunged forward and stabbed her - ending her reign of terror thankfully, but also taking Dean from me.

Sam explained that each time he called Dean's phone the line would ring once and then he'd get an automated message that the phone was out of its service area. Putting his phone on speaker he tried Dean a few more times. All I did was let out a little sob when I heard it the third time, but I just as quickly returned to the odd silence -  staring straight ahead, eyes glossy and unfocused. I'm sure I looked a total mess because I felt so hopeless, and utterly useless.

When he couldn’t get me to respond, Sam had scooped me up and carried me out to Baby, so he could get us both back to the safety of the bunker.

I was aware that I was laying in the backseat but I was numb and couldn’t respond when Sam stopped for fuel and snacks, so kindly asking if I wanted something. He waited for a response but I couldn't do anything but shift my eyes to look at him.

"OK, I'll bring you a water," he whispered before disappearing from my view.

I felt bad, he'd lost his brother - the least I could do would be to acknowledge him. Yet I felt trapped in my body - as though I couldn't make it do the things it should have been. My limbs were heavy and it felt like my lips wouldn't work - I couldn't even force words past them.

Six hours passed with me simply laying on the seat waiting – I felt like I might die before we even arrived home. I prayed for death because I didn't want to do this without Dean.

When Sam parked in the garage, I finally sobbed out a shuddering breath and nearly fell out of the passenger door as I tried to escape the pain that had been building in my chest.

My vision speckled and I stopped and bent down, resting my hands on my knees; I gasped what was probably the first lung filling breath I'd taken since I'd watched my love vanish.

Sam was my rock, he steadied me and took my hand, leading me into the war room where I could prop myself against the lighted map table. I literally couldn't keep myself upright without something to help hold me up.

I have no idea how long I just stood there staring blankly at the table before I decided that I should get cleaned up. I didn’t even remember Sam carrying my backpack in, it was just there on the map table. 

When I showered I thought for a split second that I could feel Dean’s hand brush my hair behind my ear. I told myself I was losing it. It was my brain wishing Dean was there to do that oh so familiar action.

For as much as the man said he wasn't a chick-flick guy he was always touching or hugging me and I already missed that. Dean was constantly tucking this one spot of hair back for me. It didn't matter if my hair had been short or long, I had one spot that was wild. I missed him, I missed that touch - it was always comforting no matter what was happening, and the last time I'd ever gotten to experience it was two hours before I lost him forever.

As I showered I thought of all the ways I could try to get him back - I really only came up with one idea and I doubted it would even work. No demon was going to bring Dean Winchester back and Dean would be so disappointed in me for even thinking of that. That thought had me so upset, I nearly collapsed. 

Slumping against the shower wall for support I decided I’d been in there long enough and forced myself to exit, dress and head for bed, even though I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I stood outside of room 11 for probably ten minutes just staring at that damn little number 11 glinting at me, taunting me with how pretty and comforting it once felt. Behind that door was nothing but the ghost of my life waiting to mock me.

I only left my room the next day a handful of times; I forced myself to eat one meal but that had been all because it had upset my stomach. I couldn’t make eye contact with Sam so I’d sulked back to my room. 

On the third morning after losing Dean I stood in the kitchen blearily sweeping my eyes around the room wondering where the hell I put my coffee mug. I swore I had set it on the island but it was gone.

It wasn’t on the table or any of the counter space. I even checked the shelving where Dean kept his sugary cereals and in the fridge. Just when I was about to give up and make another cup Sam walked into the kitchen.

“Were you researching?” he asked somewhat grumpily, holding my coffee mug. I looked at the image of a pie and the words printed above it, "We go together like coffee and pie.”

“No, I’ve been in the kitchen since I woke up,” I answered, giving the kitchen one more glance that’s when it clicked in my brain… Sam was holding my mug.

“Why do you have my mug?”

“I sat down to read the newspaper and knocked it onto my phone,” he scowled.

“Oh no!” I turned and grabbed the nearest dish towel.

“I got it dried off,” he told me, “It’ll be fine, but I was trying to figure out when you came in there?”

“I didn’t,” I answered flatly, “I made coffee, prepped my cup, and took a few sips before I started the bacon,” I gestured at the cooking bacon only to notice that the stove was now off.

“Are you OK?” he asked.

I glared at him as if to say, ‘no my husband is dead,’ but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, and after several beats he just turned on his heel and walked away.

I couldn’t blame him. Sam had lost Dean too and I’d been pretty shitty and avoidant. 

Later that day I sat in my chair researching and trying to make sense of what had happened to Dean – part of me felt like he’d been snapped away. I was worried we had a situation where Dean had been zapped to a different dimension or world. I didn’t want another Purgatory situation on our hands.

Dean had been so hurt that we hadn’t looked for him. Well, I’d tried a little but all signs pointed to him being dead and I’d sunk into a deep depression. I'd checked with psychics, a voodoo priestess, and had done my own soul tracking spell.

I even got help to cross over temporarily to meet with a reaper who'd been somewhat helpful to me in the past. Everyone told me the same thing . . .  if I couldn't track him by any of the means I'd already used, then he was gone. Dean was nowhere to be found and after a few weeks, I'd given up.

I was reliving it all over again; I could already feel the tendrils wrapping slowly around me, ready to suck me into the darkness. I pictured it as vines that had looped around my feet beginning to squeeze and slither further up my ankles and legs. It was worming its way into me waiting to take hold and drown me in despair. 

For the next two weeks I would make breakfast and settle in at a table in the library to research and each day I’d come up with nothing and my heart would shatter all over again. I’d cry myself to sleep or at least into a comatose stage and then begin again the next morning.  

‘Why did I have to be head over heels for the one man who died as often as I got new shoes?!’

The random touches started to freak me out - I'd be sitting in my chair in the library and feel like a hand had dragged across my shoulders, but when I'd look Sam and Eileen were nowhere to be seen.

Every single day I would lose things, but not in the normal way one does when they misplace their keys or forget where they placed the grocery list.

I knew it sounded crazy but when my things vanished it felt more like I was being toyed with and not just misplacing things. I would set my coffee mug down in the kitchen and find it in the library or laundry room later. One day I spent twenty minutes looking around the bunker - I'd been in the kitchen, the laundry room, and the library, so I checked each of those rooms. Not only that I also checked the dungeon, the gym, and the infirmary even though I hadn't stepped foot in any of those rooms that morning. I gave up and decided I’d step into room 11 and grab the flannel off the chair… the missing cup would show up but I needed the comfort of my favorite flannel and I was ready to push myself to retrieve it. I froze at the doorway when I saw my cup sitting on Dean’s night stand.

“Sammy!” I shouted.

He came running, calling out, “Where are you?”

“Room 11,” I yelled, still unable to call it my room or even Dean's room. I still couldn't say his name out loud without sobbing - not that I'd tried more than once.

I didn’t know what else to say; that room was Dean’s room, then it was ours. However without Dean it became nothing more than a mausoleum of memories I had shared with him.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked, pulling me into a hug.

“D-did you put my mug in there? B-because if you did that was really shitty of you!” I yelled as I smacked his chest halfheartedly.

“I would never!” Sam defended. “I know you don’t like that I told you to take a break from research on trying to find Dean, but I’m not cruel," Sam pointed out.

I broke, “I know, but every day I’m losing things,” I pushed away from Sam and began to pace like a raving lunatic.

“Things are moving, it’s not like I’m setting it on one table and then moving to the other and forgetting! Sam you have to believe me, I didn’t do that,” I pointed toward the night stand that held my mug.

"I had it with me in the library and the kitchen," I told him, "I did go to the laundry room to put stuff in the dryer so I even checked there and it wasn't there."

I looked back at the night stand on Dean’s side of the bed, and I began to sob.

"I haven't even been in there since we left for that hunt."

I’d made it two days without crying at that point and it yet again felt like I might never stop - I was honestly starting to wonder if I'd drown from my own tears.

Sam pulled me close, rubbing his hand up and down my back, “I know this is hard,” he whispered and kissed the top of my head, “I’ll bring it to you,” he stepped through the doorway and brought the mug to me, like it was the easiest task.

“While you’re in there can you grab the flannel off the chair?” I sniffled.

Sam obliged, grabbing the flannel and holding my coffee while I pulled Dean’s old shirt on. I’d given up on the coffee search and had been going to get the flannel and that was how I found my mug. I had worked up the courage to go grab that flannel but seeing the coffee mug there had nearly ruined me, at least that's how it felt.

Things continued in a similar manner for several more days.

Sam came to the laundry room one afternoon and asked if I’d moved his phone to the kitchen, which of course I hadn’t and told him just that.

“Maybe you carried it in there and forgot,” I offered him the same answer he’d given me multiple times over the past few weeks.

He shot me a glare and left the room.

I have to admit I was slightly amused by the pout that flashed on his face before it turned to a full glare. I pulled my laundry from the dryer and placed it in my basket before stating, “God Dean, I don’t know if you can hear me. I miss you and I’m going to get you back.”

Grabbing my basket I took a step before jumping when a bottle I swore I'd thrown down in the trash can clattered to the floor. I stared at it for a moment before setting the basket down and moving to pick up the empty bottle.

I inspected it and told myself that I had to have made a mistake and not gotten it into the bin, ‘It must have been balancing on the lip of the can.’

Two days later I woke up from an incredibly steamy, very realistic dream – so real that I’d soaked my panties and pj shorts.

I was instantly saddened when I realized that Dean wasn’t there, he hadn’t actually made me feel that way, and he never would again. All I had left were my dreams and memories.

I pretty much kept myself locked away that day - I just kept remembering the dream and how I felt when I woke up; how I could have sworn I could feel Dean's hands on me. It got me all bothered and feeling too embarrassed to be around Sam in my condition - I was either horny or crying.

That evening when I did go to the kitchen to cook, I found Eileen and Sam already making dinner. As we sat down to eat I took my normal seat and watched as the spoon I'd placed on the table next to my spot flew off and hit the floor - it reminded me of the way a cat swipes things off of flat surfaces.

We all convinced ourselves that my shirt sleeve had somehow caught it and thus flung it to the floor and we dug into our bowls of chili.

The chili reminded me of Dean and how much I missed his cooking, which wasn't helping me at all. I know Eileen noticed the tear trailing down my face but I was grateful that she didn't say anything about it.

As we finished eating Sam's phone rang - another hunter was struggling with a banshee hunt.

I dreaded what Sam was about to say when he hung up.

Sam softened his expression and explained that they were leaving to help this guy - he offered for me to go with them if I wanted to - I did not want to. A hunt was the last thing I wanted to be anywhere near.

"I can't do a hunt right now Sam, it wouldn't be safe."

He nodded and gave me his big puppy eyes.

"I'm not ready and I don't sleep anymore - not well enough to be helpful," I added, knowing full well I should be helping people, not making excuses and being sad.

Dean would have gone and helped.

"I get it," he rose from his seat and left to gather his gear.

This had been a reoccurring conversation; Sam telling me he understood that I wasn't ready or couldn't deal with certain things and I knew that he was trying to be helpful and caring but sometimes I wanted to scream, "You don't fucking know what it's like!" or "You could never understand!"

But then I had to stop and think about the fact that he kind of did understand - he'd lost Jess to a monster too! Yes, the circumstances were different but he wanted to marry her and never got to so he understood the loss of that kind of love and the pain of feeling stuck in some type of way.

The difference was he'd jumped into hunting because that was the catalyst for his anger - it fueled him to move forward and kill the demon. The monster that took Dean out was already dead. Without Dean, I had nothing left but some fragile friendships and being Sam's sister-in-law. Hell, a vampire had stolen my car and wrecked the shit out of it - I didn't even have my own car after that!

I packed some snacks for them to take on the road and then I sat back at my spot and waited for them to be ready. After handing them off some food and water, we said our goodbyes and they left - I was completely alone in the bunker for the first time in years.

I felt as though I might be swallowed up by the vast silence of it all.

I went back to the kitchen to clean, ‘maybe if I kept busy I wouldn't notice the void as much,’ I thought.

Twice as I scrubbed pans and counters I swore I felt Dean's hand on my shoulder or hip. I couldn't have of course because nobody was there but me; it almost felt real enough to be believable.

When the kitchen was sparkling clean I made my way to the TV room, I couldn't even think of it as the Dean Cave anymore. I stepped across the threshold and was thrown back into a memory of Dean first showing Sam and I this very room - Dean had been working on some little project for a few weeks but insisted I couldn't know about it, and I'd been a good wife and ignored the sounds and curses that came from behind that door.

I still to this day don't know how he got some of the things into that room by himself. I remember we'd been given a large flat screen TV as a thank you for saving a pawn shop owner. When Dean hit the power button on the TV remote a violet light had come from the TV and the next thing we knew we were in an episode of Scooby-Doo.

I couldn't help but chuckle as I remembered Dean's lame attempt at flirting with Daphne, right up until he thought both the server at the malt shop and Fred were flirting with me.

I looked around the room and marveled as I thought of how each corner of that room held so many memories - so many memories condensed in that one little part of the bunker.

I turned on the TV to whatever seemed funny and wouldn't make me cry and I laid on the little love seat we'd acquired a few years back when I decided we needed something to cuddle on when he made me watch certain scary movies.

As I began to doze off I had the most realistic dream that someone had been rubbing my feet, but when I pushed myself up to look around, the room was empty - as I expected it to be - I was after all just having a dream.

Dean's POV

I couldn't figure out what had happened to me - I was there but neither Sammy nor Tally seemed to notice me.

I tried to comfort her but she just stared straight ahead like she couldn't see me. Sam was cleaning the area up and that's when I realized that I must be dead. The thing was, no reaper had shown up and for someone like me you'd think the reaper would be on the fast track to gather me and scoot my soul off this mortal coil.

None of it made sense, Tally just sat or stood wherever Sam placed her and shook slightly - her silent cries were killing me - or would have if I wasn't already dead.

Once it was all said and done and Sam was carrying my widow back to what once was my car I realized something was seriously wrong.

'Maybe the reapers don't want my soul,' I thought. 'Maybe it's too far gone and they are just going to leave me here.'

I decided to jump into the front seat but I couldn't get the passenger door open so I had to rush to the driver's side and slide across the bench seat.

I sat angled somewhat sideways in Sam's spot watching as he drove home, careful to stop and fill up the car and offer Tally something to eat and drink.

She was almost catatonic and I hated every second of it - I felt like I was trapped in my own body with no way to communicate.

I even tried to reach over the seat and push her hair from her beautiful face but it was as if I'd done nothing. Every time I tried to do something it was another reminder that I'd failed. Sure, the witch was dead but I wasn't there to protect my family now. I hated myself for getting killed on the easiest of hunts.

It took me nearly an hour to get into the bunker and by the time I did Tally was just heading into the bathroom. She sobbed and whimpered through her whole shower.

I wanted to comfort her so I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower with her - I kissed her cheek and told her I loved her and then I brushed that one wild piece of hair out of her face. She paused almost like she felt it and I got hopeful that maybe she'd realized I was standing right by her and we could have some kind of moment, but she simply shut the water off and stepped out to get dressed.

When she finished with her shower and went to her old room things started to sink in.

This was it - I had to figure out how to get her attention. If I didn't, eventually I'd go vengeful and hurt her and Sammy.

That first day home she hid in her old room for most of the day - couldn't get enough energy to walk through the wall or door so I had to wait until she came out to go get something and then I went in and sat on the chair in the corner of her room.

She had long ago put up some old string lights around the top of the walls because she said they made her feel happy after a bad hunt.

The only light on in her room was the string lights and it stayed that way for three days. I'm pretty sure the only reason she turned the regular light on is because I moved my wedding band to try and get her to realize I was there. All I succeeded in doing was upsetting her because she thought she lost it.

That did nothing but make me feel even more guilty.

I started spending time in my room practicing moving things but I'd have to exert so much energy I'd have to lay or sit down for long periods of time. It was also becoming very hard to keep track of day time versus night and how many days had passed. I was fairly certain my phone had been destroyed when I stabbed the witch. I simply didn’t have it. 

Tally and Sam went rounds about her things going missing, neither of them thought to get out an EMF reader - I was really starting to wonder about their sanity and capability in hunting at this point.

I tried everything I could think of to get her attention - I'd walk past her randomly and run my hand across her shoulders, or touch her shoulder when I peeked over it to see what she was working on or reading about.

Each day she'd been getting into some pretty heavy scientific stuff - quantum theories, alternate dimensions, and even time travel. One day she pulled out a book, ‘Beyond the Grave,’ she was starting to get to the correct conclusion but it was taking too long.

I wasn't experiencing hunger like I should have either but when I realized that I was getting hungry I did manage to get ahold of some of the leftovers after a couple of meals.

Once I'd mastered moving small things, I started moving her coffee mug further away - finally putting it in our bedroom. My plan failed because she walked up to the door and immediately yelled for Sam.

She'd scolded him for moving her mug into room 11 and he'd dutifully gone in and grabbed it, along with stepping back over to grab one of my flannels off my chair for her. He really was trying to keep her company and help her after losing me.

I stood there in my room completely helpless and totally invisible to the two most important people in my life - or past life.

It took some powering up but I managed to move Sam's phone then rush to the laundry room where she was working. Sam came looking for her to ask if she'd moved his phone and I tried to get Sam's attention but I wasn't charged up enough.

When he left the room she looked up and stated, “God Dean, I don’t know if you can hear me. I miss you and I’m going to get you back.”

Then she grabbed her laundry basket and I grabbed the empty soap bottle from the trash can and threw it as hard as I could at the ground.

Although it wasn't as loud as I'd liked it did make her jump and return to inspect the bottle and the trash bin. She didn't get the clue though.

It took me two days to realize I could make certain things happen for her. I've always enjoyed bringing pleasure to the woman I'm with and pleasing my wife has made me especially proud of myself. I never leave her wanting and being buried in her makes me just as happy, obviously so I climbed in bed with her.

She was wearing a tee shirt and a pair of sleep shorts I'd picked out for her years ago. I pulled her against me and whispered in her ear, "I'm right here, can you feel me?"

She moaned and pushed back against me so I did something we'd done when we were younger - we called it the, "special wake-up call."

The actual term is somnophilia and that might not even be the most correct term but we took turns waking each other up with sex - thus the wake-up call. I was hoping to bring her some physical release so her body could truly rest, or if she woke up maybe she'd figure out I was right there with her.

I worked my hand into her shorts and carefully rubbed and touched her until she was melting into me. I carefully tested inserting one finger and working it in and out of her slowly for several minutes before adding a second digit.

She shifted her body so she was laying on her back which gave me more room to work and I had laid there next to her fingering her to full climax. I honestly loved the way her body clinched around me - even if it was just my fingers. She moaned and whined as she writhed about the bed. I think the amount of booze she'd had that night was the only thing keeping her from waking up fully.

She'd been so frustrated with the state of her clothing and bed it was kind of funny to watch her strip and change the bedding all the while muttering and cursing at the stupid horny state of her mind.

Then that night when Sam's phone rang at dinner time I could see how the color drained from her lips - she was already panicking and probably feeling guilty as fuck when she told Sam she wouldn't be going with them.

I needed to try harder to get her attention!

I watched as she packed up some snacks and bottles of water for Sam and Eileen to go help another hunter with a Banshee hunt - ‘there probably isn't a more capable duo for that in the US.’

It did make me proud of her to see her taking care of Sam and Eileen. I knew she didn’t think she was being good to them since I’d died but she was doing her best. 

When she stepped out to the garage to see them off I ate the rest of the chili in Sam's bowl. I still hadn't been able to cook my own food or even dish it up, and I was so hungry. I'd figured out that I could eat leftovers that were sitting out, and it meant she wouldn't have to scrape the bowl clean before washing it.

Being a ghost was weird - I still couldn't figure out why or how I was getting hungry.

When Tally came back to the kitchen I watched her scratch her head and mutter, "I swore there was chili left in that dish," but after looking in the trash can she ultimately gave up and just cleaned the kitchen.

I felt bad because I had to go lie down - I'd interacted too much and needed to re-charge. When I got up from my "ghost nap" I walked to the Dean Cave and I found Tally frozen in place looking around the room as if it were filled with ghosts - and in a way I suppose the whole bunker was filled with ghosts to her. That was why she wouldn't step foot in our bedroom - she acted as if the bedroom was a personal attack on her.

That made my heart ache for her - another thing I didn't know ghosts could do or experience.

I watched her stare at the bar in the corner - I wondered if she was thinking the same thing as me, because the sight of it reminded me of the time I had her laid out on top of it just eating her out. We'd done it in many rooms in the bunker - sometimes you gotta release some pressure between hunts or arguments and there's a lot of space in the bunker.

She moved to the little love seat she insisted we needed for movie nights and she laid across it pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and snuggling under it.

Once she was settled I moved over to the end and sat down, she was curled in a half fetal position so there was a little room. Without thinking I reached out and started to rub her foot. She seemed to be dozing off into a pretty deep sleep but then jerked up and looked around the room.

I realized that she had felt what I was doing and she looked a little freaked out.

"It was just a dream. You're freaking yourself out over nothing," she muttered and turned off the TV before walking quickly back to the library and pulling out a book to research.

I hated it but I had to sit down - I was exhausted after that. 

SPN Fam:

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone  | @lyarr24

@dean-winchester-is-a-warrior  | @nancymcl

@deans-baby-momma

@squirrelnotsam | @leigh70  | @impalaslytherin

@mishkatelwarriorgoddess | @deans-spinster-witch

@perpetualabsurdity  | @bumbleb10 | @mrswhozeewhatsis | @123passwort | @roseblue373 

@jackles010378 | @hobby27 |  @b3autyfuld1sast3r

Mr. Green-eyes Tags:

@mrsjenniferwinchester | @k-slla |   @jamerlynn | @libby99hb  | @lori19

Sam and I stared at each other for several beats before he called out, "Is there someone here with us?"

"It's a warded magical bunker - nothing is here with us Sam."

He leveled a stare in my direction, "Yeah, and the floor isn't slanted so why is this pencil rolling around suddenly?"

"I don't know but the bunker isn't haunted," I scoffed. "Maybe it was an earthquake."

"It's not."

"And how would you know, Samuel?"

"Because we have all kinds of sensors and alarms in this place and since earthquakes are one of the signs of the Apocalypse that's tracked," he paused, "Have you heard any alarms going off today?"

"No, but you don't have to be such a smart-ass about it."

I knew deep down it couldn't be but for a split second I swore I heard and felt Dean laugh - that full-body happy laugh that I missed so much the past few months.

That was when a niggle of a thought tried to poke into my brain - but I pushed it away - I wanted Dean back but not as a ghost.

I ignored the obvious fact - on purpose - burning whatever was tethering Dean and keeping him from moving on would be the final nail in the proverbial coffin - he'd be gone forever. Although at some point he could become vengeful and then we'd have to cross that bridge.

'Nope it has to be a coincidence - I've been stressed and lost in my grief.'

Dean's POV

I watched her face go through about a thousand emotions before coming to rest at the most neutral expression she could muster.

I wondered if my laughter had caught her - had she felt or heard it? Was she realizing that she had a ghost following her? Would she finally do the right thing and burn my belongings?

I also wondered what exactly it was that was holding me here - if we still had Bobby's flask I'd assume it was that but I never thought I'd be that attached to anything for it to tether me - well shit, there might be one thing…

The thought of her having to burn Baby made my gut churn but if that's what it took to keep her and Sammy safe then they'd just have to do it!

I watched her stand up and go off to her room - I tried to follow but she shut and locked the door. I felt bad being locked out but I couldn't blame her for needing to be alone after she figured it out.

I did try to jiggle the handle but it was locked and I hadn't figured out how to walk through walls or doors yet - I was still just barely able to move things without having to lay down.

I heard a beeping - she was checking her EMF reader - I went back to our room to sit and wait to be found - but I must have fallen asleep because I woke up the next morning and found her and Sam eating breakfast in silence.

She cleared her throat after finishing her eggs, and when Sam looked up at her she said, "I checked the car and the garage, there's no sign of EMF activity there."

"I know," Sam stated.

"What do you mean you know?" she scoffed.

"Well the first few times we had weird things happen after Dean - vanished - I ran the EMF reader in the car, the garage, his room, the rec room."

I could tell by the tiny flinch that she'd taken note of the way Sam said I'd vanished and not died.

"The Dean Cave," she corrected and he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, in there - nothing. Dean is not a ghost and he's not haunting us."

"You're wrong little brother," I laughed, but of course they didn't hear. "I'm not trying to haunt you but I'm also not very good at interacting with the living."

A little bit after they'd finished eating breakfast I went out to the car to see if I could start it. I thought that perhaps if I could start the car and drive it somewhere they'd get the point or I'd be able to burn her myself.

I sat there for a good hour trying to get the key to turn in the ignition but it wasn't going so well. I leaned back, closed my eyes and took several deep breaths - still nothing happened.

Sam came out looking stressed, looked in the window and yanked the door open.

He reached right past me, grabbed the key out of the switch and muttered, "What the fuck? You're losing it Sam," as he walked back across the garage.

I sat there for another hour trying to regain my strength before I could go back inside.

When the door slid shut and she screamed I thought that would be the end - I also felt a bit faint and made my way to the closest seat. I watched her turn around looking to see where the sound came from - she walked over to the door to inspect it and everything went black for me.

'Guess this is really it,' I thought.

Tally’s POV 

I felt like I was losing my mind - that door had never just opened and closed. I spent ten minutes inspecting it, the garage, and trying to make it slam shut on its own.

I finally gave up and went to my room to cry and pack my bag. At the very least I was going to spend the weekend with Jody and the girls. I finally decided that maybe it would be good if I left the bunker for more than a supply run and eating out - maybe Sam was right and I needed to figure out how to keep living away from the memories that were drowning me.

I called Jody as I randomly tossed things into my bag.

"Hey girly," Jody's chipper voice came on the line.

"Jody?" I whispered, my voice about to give away my mental state.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything!" I sobbed, "I - I - can't anymore," I paused to draw a breath in. "Can I come stay with you for a few days?"

"You can stay with me always for however long you need to."

I glanced at the time and told her, "I'll be there by dinner time," and I hung up and ran for the garage. I took a little old pickup that was there. It wasn't flashy and I could blend in with it.

I didn't want anything that would draw attention to me because I just needed to go and if I took something fancy, Sam would follow it.

When I got to Jody's house I was done with everything. I just wanted to sleep - something Jody took as depression and yeah she might not have been totally off with that line of thought but there was more to it than that.

It was more than sadness - it was despair, frustration, exhaustion, and confusion.

The door flew open and I was pulled inside to three sets of arms.

"I've been waiting for you to come," Jody whispered and kissed my temple.

"You're not that much older than me, don't go acting like you're my mom," I teased.

"Oh you know she's gonna," Claire teased.

"And we're all gonna act like your sisters and hold you and smother you with love," Alex added. "Well for another hour and then I gotta get ready and head to work, I work overnight tonight."

I hugged her and whispered, "Thank you."

"No prob," she smiled at me. "I did make dinner so let's eat, because I'm hungry AF."

We all laughed and I choked down the sadness that it brought to me - Dean loved nothing more than to get these three to laugh and he'd never get to do that again - he'd never hear the sound of their joy and that made my heart crack just a little bit more than it already had.

When Alex went to leave I stopped her, "I have a bad feeling," I told her. "Please be extra safe."

She patted my face, "I will, I promise. I'll see you all around 9 tomorrow."

Jody came back to the living-room, "I thought you got off at 8?"

"I do," she confirmed, "But Jacob asked if he could take me to breakfast and I said yes."

"Is this the hot young doc?" I asked, my eyes going wide.

"Yeah, he's actually pretty hot," Claire laughed.

"He's mine," Alex reminded. "We're going to Casa Patron," she told us.

"They have the best breakfast burritos," Claire told me - like that was the point of all this.

"Alex, how well do you know him?" I asked.

"Well enough," she answered with a clipped tone. "Jody has already given me the talk OK?"

"Just be safe," I reminded and she bid us all one last good-bye as she left.

"I ran a background check, he's fine," Jody assured once Alex was out of the door.

I rolled my eyes because - of course she had.

When Alex hadn't shown back up by 9:05 the next day I was pacing the living-room like a caged tiger.

"When's she gonna ask for one of us to go with her to check this guy out?"

Jody shrugged as I turned to look at them, "I can hear you."

"You're pacing just like Dean," Claire blurted and then covered her mouth. "I am soo sorry," she spat before running from the room.

Jody eyed me like I might burst - if I wasn't so worried about Alex I might have.

"I'm gonna call Sammy and have him track her phone," I grunted.

"Sweetie, I'm sure she's fine."

Appalled at her lack of concern, I crossed my arms and glared at Jody just as Alex stepped in the side door.

"Where have you been?"

"Calm down girl," Alex removed her jacket and shoes, "You are not my mother," she said pointedly, "We got off slightly late because there was an animal attack."

Before Jody or I could say anything about it not being an animal attack Alex held her hands up, "I called Sam - he and Eileen are on their way but I gotta get some rest if I'm gonna help y'all hunt a werewolf," she muttered and headed toward her room.

We spent the afternoon tracking down the target and assessing the area. I couldn't help but feel like Dean would be so proud of us the way we executed it so well. In fact when we got back from the hunt I could have sworn someone put their hand on my lower back when I stopped in the kitchen to get a glass of water. It felt so real that I paused and glanced around the room - Jody was in the dining area and Sam wouldn't have placed his hand that low on my back - he'd have had to bend down and I know he's stealthy but there's no way that moose could have escaped me seeing him that easily.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Jody told me.

"Yeah, no I'm good," I mumbled. "I just need a shower and some sleep."

"Well, Sam's in the main bathroom but you can use mine if you promise not to use up all the hot water."

"I love that you have two hot water tanks," I grinned. "I just wanna get clean - I don't need a full shower and shave," I told her with a laugh as I headed to her room.

My mind conjured up Dean saying, "You took a beating, honey."

I stepped out of the bathroom as Jody walked into her room, "You OK?" she asked.

"That was my first hunt - since," I looked away - I was feeling far too vulnerable at that moment.

"I know."

"I gotta sleep," I mumbled and headed out to the couch.

I jolted awake the next morning because I felt like someone was laying next to me; the feeling of Dean's hand on my hip still lingering - it gave me pause.

'Would my weird ultra real dreams return now?'

A few minutes later I stood in the kitchen holding a fresh cup of coffee and trying to decide what my next steps were when Sam approached.

'Guess we're having the uncomfortable conversation I was hoping to avoid for a few more days.'

"You wanna tell me why you left without saying good-bye?"

"No - not really," I took a sip and hissed at the burn.

"Why did you just leave like that?"

"I honestly don't know. It just all became too much - it's been months and I feel like I'm stuck. I can't move forward and just when I think I am - weird shit starts happening around the bunker. The door to the garage opened and closed on its own and it kinda broke me. I have checked the entire building and there's never any EMF signal but it's like he's there."

I finally looked directly at Sam, "Dean is there - I don't know if the memories are just that strong or what it is but it's like he's always with me but just out of sight and I," I paused and shook my head because even I knew that I sounded crazy. "He's even here - hand resting on my hip causing me to wake up and feel out of sorts. I thought if I left the bunker I could get away from it and I did - for one night but it's here too. I don't think I can get away from that feeling."

"You were with him for more of your life than not."

"No I wasn't. We didn't become official until-"

"I know," Sam said softly, "But I'm the one that told you both for how many years that you liked each other. I get it when we were younger why you two didn't make it official but then you did and things were great - between you two at least," Sam paused to take a breath, "When he became a demon I wouldn't have gotten him back without you."

"We both know that's not true - you were so calm compared to me."

"It does feel like he's there but I think it's just how connected we are to him - even with him being gone we will always sense him."

"I suppose you're right."

"You have been in love with him since you were 17 …"

"No I wasn't."

"Yeah you were. I had the dumbest crush on you and you looked at me and saw Sammy, Dean's little brother."

I laughed, "Oh Sam, I didn't know."

"I figured. Dean always caught people's attention and he had your’s hook, line, and sinker," Sam chuckled.

"Do you even get that idiom?"

"I get it well enough," he sighed.

I laughed, "I never understood Dean's need to go fishing," I chuckled. "Wish I'd have taken him to do that rather than that fucking witch hunt."

"Me too," Sam admitted and wrapped me in a hug.

"I know you think I'm too clinical about things - like cleaning up after that hunt or telling you not to bother with the EMF but I was just trying to keep you safe. With Dean gone, you and Eileen are all I got."

"That's not true. We have Jody and the girls, Donna, and Garth and his family."

"Yeah, but none of them have been through it like you. You have been with us the longest of anyone we've ever known," Sam pointed out, "So while it's nice to have them, it does sit differently."

As sad as our little talk made me, it also gave me insight - I wasn't just Sam's sister in the fact that I married his big brother - Sam saw me as a loyal part of his little family and that eased some of the pain in my heart. It would never fix the fact that I'd miss Dean till the day I died but hearing him put it that way softened a little part of me that was growing colder by the day.

I'd been avoiding all things Dean because it hurt so bad but I'd forgotten that everyone else had lost him too.

Before I left the next day I made sure to sit Claire down and tell her that I wasn't mad at her for talking about Dean. I know she wasn't thrilled with the chick-flick moment but she hugged me and explained that she was worried she'd hurt my feelings.

When I left, with plans to meet up at the cabin for a girl's only weekend in a few weeks I felt like some of my cracks were starting to heal up.

I returned to the bunker and the weird happenings that its walls held, but I knew that I was going to hang with the girls for a long weekend soon and it would give me a break from how things had been going.

My super realistic dreams returned when I got back to the bunker but I just thought of it as my body reliving a memory so I could just let it happen and stop stressing.

When I pulled up to the cabin there were two extra cars - one I recognized immediately and rushed inside.

"Donna?"

"Hey girl!" she rushed to hug me.

"I hope it's OK we have two extra guests," Jody said with a grin and tugged Patience from around the corner.

"How'd you get time off?"

"I'm between labs at college," she said with a laugh.

Jody had already worked everything out because she didn't want me to feel uncomfortable sharing a room. I assured that it would be fine if we needed to double up but Claire said she was perfectly fine taking the new pull-out couch in the den because it was still more comfortable than sleeping in her truck.

The first evening was pretty chill - we ate pizza, watched some chick-flick, which I slept through most of, and we went to bed.

I slept hard that night but I do recall feeling like I was being snuggled - I missed the occasional snuggle from Dean at night so I relished in the feeling and tried to ignore the twinge it brought to my heart.

The next day was unusually warm and saw us all hanging out in our swimsuits and splashing in the water between naps in the sun. We really did nothing but mess around and eat all day - it would have been the perfect day if Dean had been there with me. I had to remind myself that it was still pretty wonderful, even without him there.

That night brought a round of melancholy for me and I feigned sleepiness to retreat to my room for an early bedtime.

Jody knocked on the door and asked if I was sick or just having a moment. I told her that I just needed to rest a little - I'd overdone things the previous week as I'd been researching hard-core for another hunter but I thought I'd feel better in the morning.

She accepted it - albeit reluctantly but she let me be for the night.

Once things quieted down in the main part of the cabin, I took a deep breath and stretched out across the bed, closing my eyes. I tried to concentrate and conjure up images of Dean in my mind.

I must have fallen asleep pretty quickly after that because I heard Dean whisper, "Don't close your eyes."

"I'm trying to feel," I whispered back, as Dean's hand ran up my thigh.

I could feel his lips on my neck and I conjured up what he looked like when he got all wrecked and horny looking - it was a very good look on him.

His lips wrapped around my nipple and I clapped my hand over my mouth because I nearly squealed from shock over it.

Letting myself get sucked into the fantasy of it all - I spread my legs further and enjoyed the - memory? Dream? Hallucination - or whatever it was just happened.

Dean wasted no time getting me ready for him before pushing in - the stretch was almost painful and he grunted when he finally bottomed out, as if he was really feeling it.

"We can't go so long next time," he chuckled.

"Its not like my virginity will grow back," I teased quietly.

He shut me up by beginning to thrust into me - the weight of emotions and the force of it knocking the air out of my lungs.

I wanted this so bad - I needed it all so bad that I came over and over for him and then darkness lulled me to a deep slumber.

The next morning Donna nudged me, "Were you OK last night?"

"Yeah why?"

"I swore I heard you makin' sounds in your room."

I must have blushed because she just grinned, "Ahh just a good dream," she waggled her eyebrows at me.

I gave her an eye-roll and went about making coffee.

Before I left the cabin I texted Sam - Leaving the cabin. Be home tonight.

I was leaving a day sooner than I'd planned to because I'd had a realization - somehow Dean's soul was following me around and I needed to figure out what to do.

I started the truck and said, "Dean, I know you're here with me. I'm going to figure out how. I don't know why I didn't realize this sooner but I think you've been interacting with me more during waking hours and I'm going to figure things out."

I threw the truck in gear and headed for home.

About a mile down the road I felt it - I was wide awake and Dean's hand landed on my leg - it was warm and solid just like always, but when I looked down there was nothing. I really expected to see his hand laying on my leg.

"Dean, if that's you give my leg a squeeze."

It happened.

That shocked me and I couldn't say anything for almost an hour.

"I can hear you every once in a while," I finally admitted. "I thought I was going nuts or something, but now I think you might really be there."

He squeezed my leg again.

"I'm going to solve this when I get home."

A few hours later his hand landed on my leg again, and then inched closer to my center.

"Not while I'm driving," I scolded, and eventually the hand retreated.

As I got closer to home I started to worry that perhaps it wasn't Dean but rather something portraying itself as Dean.

When I got to the bunker there was a note from Sam - Had to run. Quick hunt. Vengeful spirit. Be back tomorrow.

I pulled out books on Incubus and Succubus spirits and began to research - just when I started to come to the conclusion that it wasn't something posing as Dean I felt lips on my neck.

"Lay on the table," Dean whispered in my ear.

I can't tell you what made me do it but I stood up, yanked my shorts down and laid on the table.

A moment later I felt Dean's mouth on me - he used that damn sinful mouth to turn me into a shuddering mess not once or twice but three times.

Just like that he was gone - I couldn't feel his warmth or any sensation of him being around, "Dean?"

I called his name a few more times as I hurried to redress and rush to my room, where I shut the door and laid a salt line across the entry - if that wasn't Dean it wouldn't be able to enter my room.

I spent hours searching for any more info I could on incubus and succubus demons. I clearly had picked up some type of attachment because of my loneliness.

I fell asleep some time after 4 am and didn't wake until lunch time.

It took me another two days to get brave enough to try and interact with Dean or whatever spirit was in the bunker with us. Hoping it really was Dean I went to our room, the gold number 11 shining as if it was freshly polished. I stuck my head in the doorway and called out, "Dean are you in here?"

I got nothing but stepped into the room anyhow. I glanced around and pulled a tissue from the box on my night stand.

"I'm willing to try something," I told him. "I'm gonna lay this tissue down on the bed and if you're in here I want you to lift it up."

I forced myself to sit on what was my side of the bed and wait but after about ten minutes I decided he wasn't there so I took the tissue out to the garage.

"Dean? Are you out here?" I called as I approached Baby.

I felt warmth on my right side and smiled hopeful that I was on the right track.

"Dean, I wanna experiment with something," I stated, "Let's walk to the counter," I moved to where he normally worked on things. "I am going to place this tissue on the counter, if you are Dean move the tissue to cover the flat-head screw driver," I directed, adding, "Yes, I know Sam left it laying out and I'll put it away when we're done with this."

The warmth left my side a moment later and the tissue moved to cover the screw driver just like I'd asked.

I couldn't help the sob that escaped me, "Dean?"

His hand came to my lower back - a sure sign he was trying to comfort me.

I grabbed up the tissue and put the screw driver away before reaching my hand out for him to take it. We held hands across the garage but I thought it would look nuts if Sam or Eileen caught me holding hands with nothing as I walked through the bunker.

I was also so scared to lose him again that I didn't want to let go of his hand.

"OK, you're not a child, you can walk through the bunker without getting lost. I want you to go back to our room and wait for me. I'm going to find something to help us communicate."

When I couldn't come up with anything else I grabbed a pen and my notebook and rushed back to room 11. I sat down on my side of the bed and sketched out what was basically a talking board and laid out a thin plastic chip that came from some lost board game and had been laying on my desk for years.

"OK I have a second notepad here to write on. I want you to slide the chip from letter to letter or to yes or no to answer questions as you can.

I pointed, "Yes, no, goodbye and then the alphabet. Do you understand?"

I waited several moments and the little chip slid across the paper to yes.

"Yes, great. Are you Dean?" I asked, sliding the chip between the yes and no.

A few seconds later the chip moved back to yes.

"Did you follow me to the cabin for girls' weekend?"

Yes

"Are you causing my steamy dreams?"

I waited a little longer this time but then it moved to yes and then spelled out 'you not dreaming.'

"I guess not," I grinned. "How are you here?"

Very slowly the game token moved to d-o-n-t k-n-o-w.

"Don't know?"

The token moved to yes.

"Why can't I see you?"

G-H-O-S-T

"You're a ghost?"

Yes

"I see," I replied, but I didn't understand it at all - he wasn't setting off the EMF reader so how could he be a ghost.

"Can't you move on?"

No

"Why?"

I-D-K

"You don't know?"

Yes

"Fuck," I whispered.

Before I could ask another question the token started to move N-E-E-D R-E-S-T

"You need to rest?"

Yes

"OK, I'm sorry. I'll let you rest while I make dinner. I'll come back in an hour or two to check in."

I walked to the kitchen feeling a sense of dread wash over me.

I wasn't sure why Dean needed to rest but all the same worries about him being a ghost - about having to lose him a second time came slamming into me - rather than making dinner I went to my room and cried until I fell asleep.

Sam poked his head in and asked if I needed anything and I probably should have told him about Dean but I just said no and told him I'd forced myself to go in room 11 and it just hurt too much.

He gave me a sad smile and told me he was proud I pushed myself to do something that I knew would be painful and to come find him and Eileen when I was ready to talk. They were chopping the veggies I'd gotten to make chicken soup so he told me to come have some when I was ready.

When I thought I could handle it and that Dean had rested for a good amount of time I returned to our room and tried to talk to him - but it was like he'd vanished.

I plodded to the kitchen and dished myself a small bowl of soup but I remembered the wet laundry and so I set the bowl on the table and left to go deal with the clothes before they smelled of mildew.

When I returned my bowl of soup was half eaten, "Dean? Are you in here?"

I saw no signs of Dean so I ladled a bit more soup into my bowl and returned to room 11.

I set my soup down on my night stand and felt the bed for any sign of Dean but I found the bed to be empty. Since I wasn't sure where he was I grabbed my bowl and took a few small bites, but when a tissue moved on Dean's nightstand I realized he was there - and he was trying to get my attention.

"Hello Dean," I stated softly, as I placed my bowl back on the night stand. "Can we cuddle?" I asked as I laid my head on my pillow.

A moment later I felt the weight of his head on my shoulder and his arm snaking over my midsection. It was so strange that I couldn't feel him or see him until he was close like that.

I started to cry as I thought about all the months where I'd felt him but just thought it was the grief getting the best of me.

After laying like that for quite a while I asked, "Dean, can you hold my hand and give a squeeze for yes and two for no?"

He took my hand in his and squeezed once.

We shifted to a more comfortable position and I told him, "If tapping my hand uses less energy we can do that."

He tapped once.

"OK, did you eat some of my soup?"

One tap.

"Did it help you feel better?"

One tap.

"Good," I smiled at the spot I thought his face would be, "I wish I could see you but I'm very glad we've figured out how to communicate," I told him before asking, "Do you know what has happened to you?"

Two taps.

"You stabbed the witch and were just gone," I stated. "We assumed you were dead and I did everything I could to try and find you but you got in the car and came home with us that night didn't you?"

One tap.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice you sooner," I admitted, "I was so wrapped up in sadness that you were gone and I'm gonna be honest I don't understand what's happened here."

He squeezed my hand.

"What I can't figure out is, are you a ghost?"

One tap.

"But you aren't showing up on the EMF., You don't create cold spots; in fact, it's quite the opposite," I told him, "I can feel warmth when you're close. I just didn't figure it out at first."

We laid in the silence for a bit and I felt a kiss on my cheek.

"Do you think you're in the fae realm?" I asked.

He squeezed my hand.

"Does that mean ‘I don't know?’"

One tap.

"OK, I can work with that. If I could see you, I'd kiss you!" I squealed, "I'll be right back."

I bolted for the library and grabbed the two books on quantum physics I knew about. Plus three that were about crossing into the fae realm and anything related to the fae in general. Dean and I spent hours pouring over the books but we didn't find anything that seemed to relate.

I probably shouldn't have kept this information from Sam but I didn't want to get his hopes up if he was just going to lose Dean again. So for the next few weeks if Dean and I weren't talking in our coded way I was doing whatever I could to figure out how we'd managed to connect if he wasn't a ghost and we weren't on the same plane of existence.

One evening, Sam came to the kitchen as I was making dinner and announced that he had a question for me. I actually became quite angry at his question.

"Have you started dating someone?"

I spun around, "Have I what? Why would you make such an accusation?!"

"I wasn't accusing," Sam defended, "I was asking because you've been smiling more - you just seem lighter and happier than I've seen you in seven months so I thought I'd ask."

"I am not dating someone, I would never do that to Dean," I argued.

"I-" Sam paused, "What?"

"Dean's not dead Sam," I stated plainly.

"We've been over this, he isn't a ghost," Sam began to argue.

"I know," I sighed. "He's trapped in a different realm or something."

Sam looked confused as I walked over to where Dean usually sat and reached my hand out to him.

"Dean, can you hold my hand?" I asked as Dean's hand engulfed mine - you couldn't see that of course but when I asked, "Can you show Sam that you're here?"

Dean tapped my hand, the skin depressing slightly but enough for Sam to see it.

"We use one tap for yes and two for no," I tapped next to where Dean's thumb rested on my skin.

"Is Sam your sister?"

Tap - Tap

"No, good," I smiled at Sam, "Is Baby your car?"

Tap

"Did you want to date Charlie?"

Tap- Tap

Sam watched intently as Dean's thumb pressed into my skin creating what looked like a small dimple that popped back up as soon as Dean would stop pressing against it.

"I figured out that Dean is not a ghost but that he is still with us. Something about moving stuff in this world wears him out - eating is difficult because he cannot eat enough to fuel himself enough to be able to interact with the food or silverware."

"This is incredible."

"It is but it's also not good, because I don't know how long he can keep going this way," I pointed out. 

SPN Fam:

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Mr. Green-eyes Tags:

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I did my bedtime routine, got a glass of water, and some mystery novel I'd bought at a thrift store while we were buying Sammy some new pants. He seems to rip his pants a lot for someone so skinny - the thought made me giggle.

I sat down on the bed thinking about how terrible I felt when I laughed at something dumb - Dean wasn't there to laugh at dumb things with me so it felt pointless and like I was leaving him out.

I knew logically that wasn't true but it was something I just couldn't push past and I didn't like that either. I have always been able to separate myself from the hunt and move on but losing Dean broke something in me. We didn't even get to have a hunter funeral. There had been nothing left of him except for the wedding band I now wore on a chain around my neck.

I looked down at it and reached to lift the chain over my head. The ring had protection runes etched inside the band. I ran my thumb over them - "A lot of good those did you," I whispered and laid my book and the necklace on my night stand.

I couldn't help but think how cold my room felt so I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of hot chocolate.

I brought my mug to my room and managed to re-read the previous chapter I'd been on plus one more. I had been struggling to read and remember things the past few weeks and this was the first sign that maybe - just maybe I'd be able to keep fighting. Maybe I could survive a while longer without Dean.

Once I laid down and snuggled into my bed a fresh feeling of warmth washed over me and I went into a deep sleep rather quickly.

So deep in fact that I began to dream that I was sleeping - and then I felt it - well, him. Dean used to like to give me a "wake-up call" as he called it and I felt him slide my pants down my legs.

I yelped when I felt his tongue slide flat over my slit and then begin to dip between my folds. We hadn't greeted each other this way in a long time - I suppose part of that was the fact that when in the bunker we actually tended to get a full night's sleep rather than the four to six hours that seemed to be average for us on hunts.

Dean flicked my clit with his tongue and I became very aware of the feeling of his left hand gripping my right thigh - not painfully but firmly - he was holding my leg down so I didn't squirm too much and kick him.

He slid two fingers into me, stroking my walls and making my body weak - Dean has always been able to get me worked up so quickly.

He laved over my clit a couple more times and I came with a  shout of, "Oh, fuck, Dean!"

His fingers stayed inside me, still for several beats before he began pumping them in and out and pulling me into ecstasy once more. This time I woke up fully and pushed myself against the headboard.

Panting slightly as I looked around my empty room - I'd left the door open because I'd planned to take my mug back to the kitchen but had fallen asleep before I'd gotten that far.

I had to grab a towel and put it on my bed because it was such a mess and I didn't want to deal with it at the moment.

The thing was that after I put my mug in the kitchen I went back to my room and closed the door so I could go back to sleep and it all happened again - except I could have sworn that I wasn't even asleep yet.

That night I slept so well, the best I'd slept since losing Dean. When I woke up I was alone and that made me unbelievably sad. I sat drinking my coffee wondering why my dreams had become so vivid. Once I realized my coffee was cold I went to the kitchen to heat it up and when I returned to the library I noticed a book sticking out of the shelf, it was hanging out too far for it to have been placed like that.

I picked it up and took it to my spot at the table - "Ghosts: Different Types and How to Move Them On," I read aloud.

I skimmed the book and pushed it aside as I grabbed the Men of Letters book titled, "Hell, Heaven, and Lesser Known Dimensions." After another hour of reading from that book I found nothing helpful so I pushed the book forward and laid my head on the table.

Apparently I fell asleep because I could feel someone rubbing my shoulders. I opened my eyes and moved away from the table, tripping on nothing and knocking the chair over.

I decided that I should go clean something in the garage and while out there I noticed that I kept feeling warmth around me and then it would be gone. It was like the opposite of what you feel when a ghost is around.

I finally climbed into the open driver's door of the Impala and sat there, "Dean, I don't think I know how to live without you. I know you'd tell me to keep fighting but I'm not sure I can actually do that - not without you," I said as I ran my hand over the steering wheel.

I was honestly surprised that Sam had taken Eileen's truck and not Baby, but I was kind of glad he had because I felt so close to Dean in that car. I think I almost hoped that being in the car would give me some kind of 'aha' moment and I'd figure out how to get him back.

I decided I needed to go out so I rushed back in for my wallet and my keys to Baby - it was the first time I went in room 11. I dashed to my night stand, yanked the key out of the drawer and ran back to the hallway.

After a good twenty minute cry I gathered myself and returned to the car.

"Okay beautiful," I pulled the door closed and slid the seat much further forward than the boys needed to when driving. "You gonna start for me today?"

I paused as I considered the fact that I was talking to a car like it would answer me. It was something Dean always did - he talked to that car like she was the only one who listened to him sometimes - and I supposed when he was a younger man that was probably true.

The car started right up and I couldn't help but whisper, "Thank you," as I shifted her into gear.

I drove into town stopping at the grocery store first - I bought some groceries and a pie and was done in a decent amount of time. I stopped at the hardware store to grab some nails to fix the shelf in my room - I'd bumped it a long time ago and hadn't bothered putting it back up since I had moved to room 11 but now - well after getting my keys from that room I knew I'd never be able to linger in that room again. 

The last stop was the liquor store - I know it's not healthy but some nights I can't sleep without the whiskey to knock me out or warm me up. I headed straight to the aisle Dean always got our bottle from but when I looked at the shelf it was tequila.

"Hey Betty -" I called out to the owner of the shop who happened to be working the counter that afternoon, " - where's the-"

I didn't get to finish my sentence before she cut in, "Whiskey is two aisles over that way, hun," she pointed as someone else walked into the store.

I grabbed the bottle I was looking for and moved to the wine aisle to grab some cheap stuff to cook Italian food with. I'm not the most amazing cook but I learned to make a good pasta sauce and one of the key ingredients is wine, but I'm cheap and refuse to cook with the pricey stuff.

When I approached the counter Betty greeted me, "How's it goin' hun? We haven't seen ya in a while?"

"Was traveling for work, things have been a bit crazy."

"I was startin’ to worry because I haven't seen Dean or you. How's that boy doing?"

I choked back the sob that wanted to escape and said, "I'd rather not talk about that," and bolted from the store.

When I stepped outside there was a man I didn't recognize circling the Impala and I wasn't in the mood to take anyone's shit.

"Get away from my car!" I growled, dove into the car, and hurried to leave the parking lot. To be sure nobody was following me, I drove to the opposite side of town before making my way back home.

"I can't believe that creep was lurking around my car! Who did he think he was," I ranted to myself as I drove. 

I could have sworn I heard Dean say, "Not your car Sweetheart." I knew that was impossible but yet I found myself looking around the car just to be sure.

Once parked, I told myself that my reaction was completely normal considering the life I’d lived for so many years. I opened the bottle of whiskey and one long gulp later I was able to drag myself from the car and gather the supplies I'd purchased.

As I cooked dinner I swore I felt a large, warm hand land on my ass - I yelped and spun around to see an empty room.

I'm not sure what I thought I'd see but I found myself reaching for that bottle of whiskey to calm my fragile nerves.

As I made my way to my bedroom that night I told myself, "You have got to get it together - you're the only one here. You are alone. People aren't following you, that guy was just admiring Baby and was probably shocked to see a chick driving a classic like her."

I looked at my reflection and decided I should stop doing that - my eyes and hair looked dull and my skin was dry and to be honest a bit pale for me.

I sat on my bed for several minutes before being pulled into a random memory - the first time I met Dean.

I felt so dumb that I had to do the math and didn't just remember our exact ages - I do remember that Dean was hunting alone the first time we met. Sam was in college and I was on a road trip with a friend - she'd decided we had to check out this haunted spot she'd heard about.

I wasn't thrilled about anything called haunted because - well because I was an absolute chicken back then. My best friend dragged me to this old shack of a house outside of Tallahassee.

The house was haunted by the original owner and he certainly wasn't happy about us girls snooping through his house. He locked us in the cellar thanks to my friend saying we should explore it and I was too scared to stay out in the dark alone.

When we began screaming it alerted the man hunting the ghost to its location. That hunter was Dean and he was the most beautiful boy I'd ever met, and he blushed when I asked if I could give him a special thank you for saving my life.

What started out as me thinking I'd have some fun, blow off some steam with this hottie - turned out to be the greatest love story I could have ever experienced.

That first night together - well, we got so drunk that he couldn't remember my name and called me Tally.

"My name isn't Tally," I laughed.

"Well," he paused to think, "It is now."

"No," I replied and laughed. "You can't just change my name."

"I didn't, it's a nickname," he chuckled, "We met outside of Tallahassee, so I shortened that to Tally."

It was so cute I gave up trying to argue, and when I ran into him a few weeks later in my home town I decided to shoot my shot.

I gave him my phone number and told him that I liked him a lot and wanted to get to know him better. He said that wasn't a great idea but I secretly followed him to the motel he was staying at - then I went to grab some belongings that I thought I'd need and I went and knocked on his door.

I told him and the floppy haired boy with him that I didn't have a job anymore, I knew what he did and he could either take me with him and teach me or I'd learn to do what he did by myself.

I learned that floppy hair was Dean's little brother Sam and he reasoned that I would be safer with them - that was 20 years ago.

I looked at the calendar and realized that Dean hadn't made it to 45 - he was just two months away. The idea of how unfair that was sent me into a downward spiral so I ended up just stripping out of my clothes and falling into bed to sob myself to sleep.

That night when my dreams came to me I found myself sitting in this cute little beach cottage by the sea. I remembered this place - it was the first time Dean admitted that he had romantic feelings for me and that he didn't want to admit that because it could get me dead.

I told him that I, too, had romantic feelings for him and I was more than willing to give us a chance if he would. The funny thing is we were on a case, pretending to be a couple who was trying to move to the next step - the case was a witch who was casting love bond spells on people but the first fight they had something bad would happen to one of them. The first one was that his heart had exploded - Sam had read some note about it in John's journal and we'd gone in thinking we knew exactly what to expect.

We'd been dead wrong. It was a teenage witch who was born with powers - her magic was going haywire because one, magic always has a price and two, she didn't know she was doing it! The poor girl just loved watching people who were in love so that first couple she'd seen holding hands and kissing had been so cute to her that she wished he'd never love anyone but her. His heart exploded a week later because his new wife told him she was pregnant and because his heart filled with love for their child and it burst. At least that's how another witch in town had explained it to us.

We ended up hooking this girl up with this other "green" witch who ran the local metaphysical store so she could teach her how to be more careful with her powers. Turns out that when you're a natural born witch there is a fine line between spells, curses, and blessings.

She was one of the few witches that we'd let go over the years - although not the only one.

I dreamed about Dean and I kissing and touching in that little cottage on our last night there. Then my dream abruptly switched to me being laid out on the bed, Dean having his way with me - but the thing was, that never happened in that cottage.

We never went that far there, that didn't happen until much further down the road - and I once again woke up all tingly, and well, messy. It was pretty confusing - why was I having these dreams - it was as if my body only thought of Dean in one way. But he was far more than just a good lay so why was my mind doing this?

Dean has always been compassionate, caring, and helpful. He's also so smart and skilled at pretty much anything he puts his mind to so why did my subconscious have to only remind me of the pleasure and the passion?

We also had our fair share of fights over the past 20 or so years - like when he took the Mark of Cain, or allowed Michael in, when he threatened to kill Jack, or any of the times he put himself into the vale to save me or Sam. I've always been so empathetic to him though - he's screwed up plenty and I'm the one person who can tell him that without also making him feel like he is being kicked to the curb.

Dean has always taken judgment or separation as a rejection - that's why he and Sam had so many fights when we were younger. I think that also had to do with his parentification as well, but I'm not a head doc so don't quote me.

Sam and Eileen returned late the next afternoon and once I knew they were home safe and fed a hearty dinner I retreated to my bedroom - where I basically stayed for the next three or four days.

I tried to retreat into sleep whenever I could - it was the only time I was happy so I wanted to stay there. I did question if I was possibly in a djinn dream since that would be the kind of thing that would make you want to stay in a certain state or world.

The idea of a djinn dream didn't really fit though because it wasn't fully giving me my dreams unless I was truly asleep and if it was a djinn that fed on fear it wouldn't have been giving me happy moments or pulling my happy memories to the front of my mind.

After a week of me being somewhat avoidant Sam came to talk to me in the library.

He sat down in the chair across from me, which immediately had my hair standing on edge.

"I think we need to talk," he stated softly, "I know you are hurting but I'm worried about you," he said with the same tone he uses for the survivors of our cases.

"I'm fine Sam," I tried to placate.

"No, I don't think you are. You have been isolating yourself - even more than you had before we left on that hunt."

"I'm better off alone Sam, it's fine."

"No it's not," he replied a little more forcefully than he meant to. "I lost Dean too."

That truth bomb hurt more than I could have ever expected. I knew it, I'd told myself hundreds of times at this point and yet I couldn't get past what I was feeling.

"I know," I whispered and looked away.

"No, I don't think you get it. I lost him too but I'm finding a way to move on."

"Yeah, by hunting. By doing the thing that took him from us!" I snapped, slamming my fist down on the table. "I'm sorry," I covered my mouth in an attempt to cover the crying - I'm sure Sam was as sick of my crying as I was.

"You know I worry about you and Eileen too," I whispered and Sam gave me this sympathetic look that made me want to scream, right at that moment Sam's phone flew off the table.

Dean's POV

Dean's POV

I knew that Sam was right, Tally was isolating herself too much, but I wasn't going to stand for him yelling at her so I knocked his phone off the table.

She looked terrified, Sam looked confused, and I knew deep down inside that I must be turning vengeful - all I could hope for was to knock the ghost book back off the shelf and hope that Sam caught on.

I knocked the book down but ended up having to rush back to my room to rest so I had no clue what happened after that.

It was hard for me to make it back to my room - but I'd learned that I needed to be alone in the dark in order to recharge and room 11 was the one place I knew that I'd be alone.

Tally's POV

Sam's phone going flying set me off - I knew Sam was right to a point but I also knew that my time alone with Dean was the only time I felt calm. I knew I'd have been better off if I'd have died that night too.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think we had a ghost," I muttered as I grabbed up my book and laptop to head back to my room. "Do not follow me, Sammy!"

I heard him sigh and flop down in his chair as I stormed down the hallway. That night I would have no rest. I couldn't understand why Dean didn't come to me in my dreams like he had been.

I had nightmares - reliving every moment I'd lost Dean. Well not every moment because I didn't have to see every single death Dean experienced in Broward County, Florida - which was good because that would have been the end of me for sure.

'Stupid Trickster and his awful antics,' I thought as I turned and tried to go back to sleep.

The time that the boys were gunned down by two other hunters named Walt and Roy was pretty bad - I didn't see it but I did find them.

I'd been out on a hunt with someone else - we had to exorcise a child and those are always the most delicate. Thankfully that had been on the easier side because the demon knew who I was and that I wasn't taking their crap. It also knew that I'd call for backup and that Sam would kill them. Eventually it left the child unharmed and the other hunter and I gave the kid and his family some protection and helped them hide sigils - we also had a talk with the kid about not talking to strangers in the park. I left still worrying that some deal had been made but the kid swore he hadn't sold his soul just let the nice man use his mind for a bit.

'Ick.'

(Flashback)

We had fortunately stopped the demon before he completed the goal of killing the principal and his family - but we'd never found out why the demon was after them.

I'd called Dean as soon as we'd finished up to give him an update and see where we could meet back up and he'd given me the address to the motel he and Sam were staying at. He told me to meet them there but even with hauling ass it took me eight hours to drive there.

I knew something was wrong - I knocked and nobody stirred in the room. Dean wouldn't have left knowing I was going to be there. On a whim I tried the knob and the door opened - I swear my heart stopped beating for several moments but I forced myself to step through the door and take in the scene.

There were my boys sprawled on their beds gaping wounds in their chests and blood spatter everywhere.

"Nooo!" I screamed and then panicked and slammed the door, locking it and checking the room for an intruder - it had to be human because it was clear that these were gunshot wounds. I knew that they were both gone but I checked their pulse - Sammy wasn't cold but he was cooler than he normally ran. After patching the boys up for years, I knew that Sam always felt warmer than most people. I moved to Dean's bed and he was slightly warmer than Sam so I figured they hadn't been gone long enough to truly become cold but it must have been a couple hours.

"Dean what the hell happened?" I cried as I tried to think of what to do.

"Castiel!" I gasped, "Castiel - something bad has happened. Someone murdered my boys, help!"

It felt like it took hours for him to appear but it was just a few minutes.

"What has happen-" he froze mid-sentence. "Who did this?"

"I don't fucking know, but when I find out they are fucking dying," I growled. "Can you help them - it's been less than 12 hours since they - since," it was as if my body had locked up, I could not bring myself to say that they were dead.

Castiel placed a hand on my shoulder, "Salt the door and windows - keep any demons out. I'll get to the bottom of this," he said and vanished with the sound of flapping wings.

After checking the salt lines and locking the room down I grabbed a shot gun and sat in a chair - a sentry there to protect my best friends.

It was agonizing waiting but Castiel eventually found the boys in Heaven and helped them back into their bodies.

Sam sat up first gasping and panting his eyes immediately wildly searching the room.

"Sammy!" I rushed to hug him, not caring about the blood or mess.

He patted my arm and Dean woke up much the same way.

I hurried to his side and grabbed his face, "Oh thank god," I whispered as I slammed my lips into his.

"Honey, I'm fine," he whispered and gave me a smirk.

"I got here and you very much were not okay."

"Did you send Cas after us?"

"I did. I got here and the door was unlocked, and you - the two of you were and I - I'm so glad I got here when I did. I prayed to Castiel and he came."

(End of Flashback)

I gave up on sleep at that point and pulled my laptop out to watch something - I zoned out and by morning I didn't even know what I'd been watching.

I walked around the bunker like a zombie trying to accomplish things but not finishing any of them. In fact, I spent several days that way - just zoned out and barely functional.

"I'm worried about you," Sam whispered as he sat at the kitchen table across from me.

"I should have died that night too," I stated emotionless and staring straight through him.

"I don't believe that."

"I wish I could trade places with him. It's been months and just when I thought maybe it was getting the tiniest bit better things began to spiral. I can't close my eyes without seeing visions of Dean's deaths and all of our worst moments. And now, it's his birthday and we should be having pie and celebrating him. Dean should have lived to see his 45th birthday and instead I'll be sitting in my own bedroom hoping to drink enough to knock myself out and not dream."

Sam's puppy-dog eyes nearly did me in.

"I wish I could change this for you, but I've searched everything and so have you. I think you either need to get back on the horse and go out on a hunt with us or you need to at least get out of the damn bunker.

"I have nothing left out there for me," I gestured wildly in the direction of the front door. "And you think I should hunt?!" I spat. "I can't even accomplish cooking a proper meal, fully finishing a load of laundry on the first round, or cleaning up a cup of coffee I've spilled, and you want me out there with monsters and weapons?"

"Dean wouldn't want you to wallow in misery."

"Well, he also wouldn't want me out there getting myself or you killed. No Sam. I'm done hunting. I'm nothing but a liability now."

"You don't have to be."

"I can't have this conversation; you're not being rational!" I snapped and ran to my room.

When I got in the door, I stood there remembering the last time I said those words to someone.

(Flashback)

Dean had been turned into a demon and we'd gotten him trapped and brought back to the bunker's dungeon.

Sam had tied Dean down and injected the first and second doses of consecrated blood. When it came time for the third dose, I'd told Sam he should rest, "If he gets some strength back later, I might need you, so rest up for a bit."

Sam nodded, "Okay, be safe."

I twirled the silver band around my ring finger - Dean had asked me to "make it official," about two months before taking on the mark and then getting turned into a demon by Crowley when Metatron killed him. I wasn't sure why I couldn't just take it off and leave him behind but I couldn't. I'd already followed him to hell and back by now so I figured I had to save him from himself. Even if I was the only one who fully believed he was worth saving.

"What are you doin' Sweetheart?" he asked with his head cocked to the side and this terrible smirk.

I wanted to kiss and slap that smirk off his beautiful face in equal measure.

"Saving you from yourself," I murmured quietly.

"You should stop,” he warned.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not worth saving," he grinned.

"Well, I think you're wrong about it and I'm going to prove it to you."

"You shouldn't want me this bad, but hey, we could rule Hell, maybe you should let Crowley show you the way - then we can kill him and take over. You'd be my Queen and we could do whatever the fuck we wanted."

"See, you still want me so why not get your head straight? You can have me all you want then."

"Ya know what I want?" he hissed, "An easy lay and you've always been that so why play hard to get now?"

I may have jabbed that needle into his skin a little harder than it needed to be, "You're not being rational," I told him before chucking the needle into the empty pile and leaving the dungeon.

Not too long after that Dean had broken loose and was chasing Sam and I with a hammer - it was the only time in our lives I was truly afraid of Dean. I was afraid he'd kill Sam and I and then he'd end up hating himself even more from the weight of all that guilt.

(End of Flashback)

'Why is that popping in my head?' I wondered. But I reasoned that it was just my spiral - I was sinking into the darkness. It felt different than the monster filled corners and crevasses I was accustomed to - this somehow felt final - a darkness that would swallow me up whole and never let me go.

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