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I need to stand up for my needs, but it’s so heartbreaking to move on from someone who is closer to the type of partner I want than anyone I’ve met before. She’s just not ready to be dating, and especially not someone 2 hours away. I am disappointed. I wish I could just not care as much as I do. Not want her as much as I do. Not wish she would reciprocate as much as I give her. All so that I could be carried along until she’s ready and sees me as the person she wants to date.

The most upsetting was obviously about the girl I’m talking to. I somehow moved to Chicago and was talking to her. I felt insecure about the people she was hanging out with and that they’re spending the night together. I was just wildly insecure about it.

I did what I usually do and ignore it and still try to be a presence in her life. In this case, I came over to where they were sleeping and laid in bed with them. Man, dream physical touch is almost as good as real life. I was trying to get her to be affectionate with me but she wasn’t and actually shot out of the bed and said she has to get going with the day. I maintained the disappointment typically felt throughout our interactions.

She ended up walking me home, even came inside with me. I gave her a tour and sat on my bed (basically only thing there, newly moved). I was showing her something on my nightstand that she came up really close to get a look at. Then she put her lips so close to mine, and I kissed her. It was so passionate, I cupped her neck as she pushed me over onto the bed. Her lips were so full against mine and she seemed to like how I kissed. We had great fuckin sex. We laid there together after with our faces close, our arms and legs tangled together, soaking up the physical touch. I’d touch her face, her hair, pull her head into my chest, and she’d wrap herself around me.

I’m tired of being afraid to put her on the spot and call her out for her lack of communication.

-hey, last night you ignored everything I said except for the joke. Why?

And then I s2g she’s just gonna be like “sorry I was tired”

Her: *is video snap chatting me about how she’s socially drained bc of all the things she did today*

Me: *says it’s impressive that she is drained but is still taking the time to tell me about her day, asks why she feels weird about going over to the girl’s house again today (if it’s not because she’s drained?), some other stuff about not believing in God, and then an impromptu pun about not taking offense to that which means I have an open backyard aka no ofFENCE*

Her: *responds only to the offense joke i made*

I am really disgusted by that response and I’m TRYING to justify it as her being too tired to respond

But if you’re too tired to respond, fuckin say THAT and go tf to sleep???

God damn this isn’t even hard communication, it’s just basic communication that she doesn’t have the fuckin time to give me

So fuck all that

-got coffee

-went on a walk and visited a bunch of cool buildings

-did a photo shoot

-hung out at her house after where she met her roommate

-got invited to come back over later

And like idk but that seems like a fucking date to me, so