between the pines

i think maybe it would be nice to not feel things so deeply all the time

what is wrong with my head jesus christ

i feel so much. i have so much love in me. i have no idea how to talk to anyone

i’ve been seeing 1054 a lot lately

i am in an endless loop with no way out. i have lost my mind and my heart. i am no one.

i wish i could pour my heart out to one person just one person to hold me and listen so i could move through this. i need to be heard i need to know what i went through was real and not okay and my experience mattered but i have no words to speak and i have no one here to hold me while i try to find them

i am a gentle person but i feel everything so fucking deeply, everything literally everything feels so intense all the time. it scares me and i react so poorly and so selfishly. i hate myself

i just wanted a family. i wanted to spread love and make people laugh. what the fuck happened

i’m not even a person anymore, maybe i never was

i’ve not been able to be present my entire life and it’s really fucked my brain

i wish i had a stable sense of self. i wish i could look to the future and the past and not see complete cold blackness. i feel helpless. i know no one is ever helpless though. i can help myself get up a bit but i always fall back down and each time it’s farther and now i am so lost. i feel things deeply. i know im an emotional mess. i’ve always felt my feelings so deeply. i don’t know how to communicate it. just pours out of me like chaos when all i want is to be calm and safe for myself and the people i love. i’ve never felt safe. i’ve been dissociating my whole life to cope with a fucked up nervous system. i feel like ive been here on earth but i have been dead for a very long time. everything feels like the end of the world. i know it’s not. i know i will usually end up feeling silly and dramatic in the end but in those moments and the moments happen A LOT since i was in middle school. i know i disappoint everyone that cares about me. people think i don’t care. i care so much i shut down in freeze. no one knows what’s going on in my head because i don’t know how to communicate it with people. all i end up doing is hurting everyone i love. everyone has been better without me, literally EVERYONE who has left my life

happy birthday mac 💚