Stuck on this Lovesick Rewind

This is hard to write and sorry that I am choosing Tumblr to get it all out.... I didn’t know where else to write it all down.

I’m feeling bad again.

So bad that it hard for me to be happy or motivated my anything lately and I have been catching myself pretending to be okay more often then not.

I’m starting to become really good at pretending and that scares me.

For someone like me pretending to be okay and happy is like Alice going down the rabbit hole, except my rabbit hole leads to me laying in my bed all day, lights off, fighting with my brain to stop thinking I would just be better off if I was dead.

I’m pushing people away.

I have been trying to reach out to my family and get close to them but social interaction is just hard and I’m always so tired. I have told my mom I’m getting bad again. And before you ask no I’m not on any meds and my mom tries her best to help but I don’t think she has ever known how to handle a situation like mine so it’s difficult for her to relate.

My brain is telling me I’m a second choice to everyone around me.

Like I said above I have been pushing people away. Most of them are friends. Not all of them but most of them who I have just begun to see myself as not as important to them as they are to me. Maybe I’m just overthinking and over observing but this is one of the most difficult thoughts to push out of my mind so it have just consumed me lately.

To top it off I feel like a complete waste of space.

I’m a bigger girl. And I just feel like I’m only getting bigger. Who wants to be around the depressed, fat girl who randomly pushed people away? Cause I know I don’t. If I could body switch right now I would just to see if it helps cause I honestly hate who i am.

I just want to disappear.

Don’t worry. I won’t. But I want to.