Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please

Last week, my supervisor assigned me a new cell phone. She told me I would need to create a six digit pass code to secure it. “Six digits,” I muttered to myself as I considered various combinations. Perhaps Marilyn Monroe’s measurements (35-22-35)? A postal code for Bangalore, India (560 012)? My junior high gym locker combination? (I can’t remember it now, just like I couldn’t remember it then,…

The Mother of Convention

  I picked up a newspaper the other day–hah! No, I didn’t. This is 2016, not 1996, and I’m not wandering around reading newspapers like some time traveling cyborg sent back from the future to prevent a horrific tragedy from destroying our country. Would that I were. No, this is what I really did the other day: I scrolled through the news feed on my robot phone and discovered that here in the…

While I can prattle on endlessly about orangutans, sex robots and Applebee’s here on Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please, I often find myself at a loss for words when I’m reading your blog and fail to leave a comment. Part of my reticence comes from a fear of being embroiled in internet drama, as I have a couple of times in my blogging career, such as the time I told one blogger he was full of…

Seven Words You Can’t Say On Your Workplace Collaboration System

“How do we feel about using profanity in these informal communications?” We need to discuss our collaboration process. The message from one of my co-workers showed up as a desktop notification from the collaboration application, Slack, we’re using at my new job. If you’re not familiar with Slack (I’m not too familiar with it, either), you can find out more about the program on the company’s…

I Guess Maybe You Can’t Turn Women Into Insatiable Sex Zombies After All

Here’s a question for you: what do you do when you have a product no one will buy? That problem currently faces Valeant Pharmaceuticals (among others. Hang on. We’ll get to that in a bit). Now, you may ask yourself, “Why is this blog, Do Not Get Sick in the Sink, Please, which is ostensibly concerned with sex and humor, interested in the sales problems at Valeant Pharmaceuticals?” One pill makes…

Five Questions No One Ever Asked Before Getting Married, But Maybe They Should

Last week, the New York Times published a list of the thirteen questions to ask before getting married. I scanned the article and nowhere did I find the one question I asked: What do you mean the condom broke? Ask me anything! Instead, there’s a bunch about finances and child rearing and negotiating conflict, like this one: Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down…

What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting to See Your Gynecologist

I have a gynecologist appointment this morning and quite possibly, as you read this post, I’m wearing an ill-fitting hospital gown and my bare legs are strung up in stirrups as my OB-GYN’s head disappears out of my field of vision, down there beyond the edge of the examination table. Meanwhile, I’m feeling compelled to keep up an endless patter of small talk as she does things that I normally…

In Space, No One Can Hear Your Screaming Orgasm

Even as an avowed skeptic, there are a few things in life I have not questioned: the sky is blue, water is wet, Donald Trump will never be the Republican nominee for President, and astronauts have had sex in space. For years and years and years, I’ve assumed astronauts have had sex in space. Of course they have! It’s probably one of the first things they did, as soon as they heard the word…

The BBC in the USA

The way we used to watch television I’ve stopped watching television. No, I haven’t turned into one of those people who chucks their TV out the nearest window and then loudly proclaims to anyone who will listen that I don’t even miss it, really, I don’t, and, anyway, I have so much more free time now, that’s, you know, free, instead sponsored by Stains Be Gone! laundry detergent (or whatever).…

What I’m Reading (on a Desert Island)

Looks peaceful, doesn’t it? Meanwhile, inside, a battle between Henry Danger and the Dance Moms raged. When you’re trapped indoors as Jonas Snowzilla Blizzard 2016 storms outside, and you find yourself with two kids who decide the best resolution to a disagreement over what to Netflix next is to hold an Ultimate Fighting Championship duel to the death, and when you discover that the only other…

How Buying a Decent Cup of Coffee is A Lot Like Paying for Sex

A cup of prostitution (sort of). For a long time, there were two things I absolutely refused to pay for: sex and a decent cup of coffee. Sure, I’ll pay someone to take care of my kids, or clean my house, or mow the lawn, but sex and coffee were always strictly Do-It-Yourself projects. Not paying for sex has proven to be surprisingly easy, considering my inauspicious start: back then, I fell into…

Buy the Cow, Even If You Can Get Robot Sex for Free

Do Not Have Sex with Me, Please. Just for a moment, I considered joining the Campaign Against Sex Robots. Here we are, fourteen months away from the 2016 US Presidential Elections and it seems like everyone else is campaigning, so why not me? My only problem is finding the right campaign to join. I mean, running for President seems like a great choice: if I were elected, I’d get to dress up…

All the Reasons Why You’re Not Giving (or Getting) a BJ Tonight

Perhaps you, like my husband, are wondering why you didn’t get a BJ last night. Or perhaps you’re wondering why you didn’t give a BJ last night. Oh, what’s that you say? You haven’t been wondering? In fact, at this moment, you weren’t wondering anything of the sort. You were thinking about what you’ll order for lunch, or what’s happened to Chaz Bono’s career now that Caitlyn Jenner showed up, but…

Would You Like Your Porn With Condoms, or Without?

One week ago here in the US, we held national elections, and somebody or other won, I think.  You probably can find the results somewhere else on the interwebs.  God help you if you come to this blog looking for insightful political commentary. While everyone else was tallying blue states and red states, I was busy monitoring the outcome of California ballot initiative Measure B, also known by…

Life is Short. Stay Away From My Husband.

There is no time like the present for cheating on your spouse, at least according to AshleyMadison.com. And life is short, I won’t argue with that, and I’ll wager it’s going to be significantly shorter if your spouse finds out you’ve signed up for a membership on AshleyMadison.com, the internet fucking dating site for cheaters married people. For those of you who are unfamiliar with…

Ants

Ants. “There’s another one.” I point out the small brown ant crawling across my kitchen counter this warm July day. “And another one.” The first ant is joined by a friend. My cleaning lady, a young blonde woman from Russia the Ukraine East Yurkania Central Europe with a name that has too many consonants for me to pronounce, nodded her head. “Raid,” she said. She made a hissing sound through her…

Brother From Another Father

By now you’ve probably already seen the news story about the New Jersey woman who gave birth to twins with different fathers. It’s a phenomenon called heteropaternal superfecundation, a phrase which will surely impress the guests at your next cocktail party, if only you can find a way to work it into the conversation. Anyway, it happens when a woman releases two eggs during ovulation and then a…