Katja Schreiber and Misc

It’s currently four AM. I barely got any sleep last night, and now I have to wake up early tomorrow. I’m so sleep deprived that I’m starting to feel sick… but how can I sleep when Twix thinks that they can get away with their fucking Right Twix Left Twix campaign. It’s so fucking bad. It doesn’t make any sense anymore. I remember when they first made the “do you prefer the right Twix or left Twix joke” in a commercial, and it was fine, because it was like “ha ha they’re the same thing, having a preference doesn’t make sense,” but now they seem to expect us to care? Like? They have their hashtags that they push like #RightTWIX and #LeftTWIX and it’s like… why would anyone use those? No one else is in on the joke, Twix. No one else is in on the joke, Mars Inc.. Worst of all, they sell the fucking packages that are labeled as either “Right Twix” or “Left Twix” which defeats the entire purpose of the original joke! The joke revolves entirely around there being two Twix bars in a package– side by side! “Do you prefer the one on the right or the left?! Hee haw ha ho!” But now they want you to actually vote for which Twix bar you prefer by buying packages labeled as either “Right Twix” or “Left Twix.” Like, “oh shit! Better go out and buy a Twix now, because it’s funny, because I’m voting for which of the two Twix bars contained in a package is better, and I’m taking part in this bit by giving my actual money to a multi-billion dollar company.” In order to even make sense of it, how deep into this bit must one dig at this point? Is the new idea that the Twix factories produce “right Twix” and “left Twix” separately, and they now decided to stop giving people variety in their Twix packages, and started packaging the right Twix and left Twix together in separate Right and Left Twix packages? I’m pretty sure that’s exactly where the bit is at. But oh wait THAT CREATES A NEW FUCKING LEFT AND RIGHT TWIX! IT’S GONE TOO DEEP! THEY WANT PEOPLE TO CARE SO MUCH, BUT THE BIT IS TOO WEIRD AND CONVOLUTED NOW! NOBODY IS BUYING A TWIX BECAUSE OF YOUR BULLSHIT PICK-A-SIDE CAMPAIGN! TWIX ISN’T TWILIGHT JACOB EDWARD! TWIX ISN’T BATMAN SUPERMAN! TWIX ISN’T CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR (a title that’s one omitted word away from looking like a History channel special).

Just fucking follow KitKat’s example and make a goddamn jingle about sharing… even though the KitKat jingle sounds a little like someone repeatedly demanding something from someone else who is unresponsive: “give me a break….. give me… a break…… BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT KITKAT BAR.” It’s good shit though. They just make commercials of KitKats breaking to the rhythm of that original jingle and my brain fills in the lyrics. They don’t even have to try. They just remind people that KitKats exist and then people want a KitKat. Stop trying so hard Twix. Stop trying so hard Mars Inc.

Also, I understand the irony of writing that nobody cares about Twix’s worthless campaign in a way that clearly demonstrates that I do care about their campaign, but I haven’t eaten a Twix in years, so Twix can eat shit.

Twix ice cream was good as fuck though, before I went vegan.

That was good stuff. Much appreciated.

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And with the coming of summer

The spirits are energized

“He was feeling needy after having a bath“