empty house

She really was the bossy older sister. She raised an eyebrow at Kathleen and nodded. “No, you’re right. I’m sure i’ll figure it out.” Charlotte always figured out a way through things. Although, a child was different she wasn’t sure how to handle that exactly but she had faith in herself. Or at least she hoped she could do this for Cooper. Correction, she needed to do this for him. She nodded again as Kathleen spoke. Charlotte knew this was going to be hard, especially finding her place in the situation. “See, that never made me want a child. That made me never want a child. It pushed me away from that. I’m not someone who shows that sort of emotion and I don’t want to raise a child that way. That’s not fair to them. At least for you though it’s worked out.” 

Kathleen wasn’t sure she had any comfort to offer Charlotte. Disregarding the fact that it wasn’t who she was and it certainly wasn’t what their relationship was, they’d already established that any bond the other formed with Mason would be different from the one she had with her children. Of course she could talk in a professional capacity, let her know that child probably felt just as out of place in his father’s life as his stepmother did in his and the best ways she could rectify that, but she was almost certain those efforts wouldn’t be appreciate. The blonde was right, she’d figure it out on her own. “Yes, because I think the first thing people think about me is emotional,” Kathleen deadpanned, but quickly cleared her throat, “But I understand what you mean. And you made the right choice.” She’d seen firsthand what cold parents could do to a child’s development and self worth. “Parenting isn’t something that you should just do because you feel like you should or because somebody else wants you to. You should want it.” And she always had.

“a little bit,” he whispered with a laugh, eyes turning from her back to the beer between his fingers. derek shook his head, understanding completely where kathleen was coming from. was there a compromise? maybe max could live close, but not too close. that way - if kathleen wanted to, she could visit her kids whenever they wanted. and with full custody, couldnt she still give max time to hang out with them? “you could still give him time, but full custody gives you all the power that you need. you would make all of the decisions about everything,” it seemed right up her alley. but if he knew one thing about kathleen, there was no need to push her on any decision. she would make the right one when the time came. “and us being messed up is besides the point. you dont think we’d be this messed up if dad was still around?” at least maybe not amelia, but the rest of them? it seemed like it might have been a given. “you’re a shepherd, kathleen. no matter how hard you try to deny it, you’re the exact same as us. we like being ahead of everyone - “ this was too ironic. him giving her the same advice that she had just given him, “and when we’re behind, we dont know what to do.” if it was work, their personal lives or anything - it messed them up. derek with addison, for example. he ran when she had an affair with mark. why did he run? because he knew that their relationship had been on the rocks, but he was behind her. she cheated before he could even say anything. “but whatever it is that you decide to do, i have a lot of faith in you. you’ll make the right decision.” derek had full confidence in the younger shepherd, he always had. but when she said she was seeing someone, he automatically knew who it was. at least, he assumed. “is it dr. hayes? we were stuck in an elevator together and he was way too nice to me,” or was he just a nice guy? anyway, “and already knew my name.” he was derek shepherd, so there could’ve been an excuse for that. “woah, excuse me. i think my wife sleeping with my best friend gave me a pass.” not really, but that was besides the point. “when i met meredith, i knew. it was a different feeling than i had with addison or with any girl i had ever been with. even the first night that i met meredith, i just knew that she was going to be more than just a girl i met at the bar. i didnt know how yet, but i knew. do you think you know?” 

Kathleen let out a childish huff, reverting back to her just as stubborn seven year old self who would have been just as peeved if her big brother made fun of her. The psychiatrist in her couldn’t help but wonder what it was about their family, never letting each other grow up. “Exactly. Power. You think he’s just going to let me have that?” She tilted her head, as though asking Derek if he were serious. He was a father now, surely he understood her husband’s point of view even if he didn’t like him. She did, despite wishing she didn’t, her greatest fear was that he would pull the same stunt on her. Her fingers tapped against her wine glass, her eyes fixated on the liquid within it as she said, “I’ve already asked for John’s help. He’s getting me a good lawyer. The best.” That shouldn’t have shocked him, she and their brother-in-law had always been...she wasn’t sure there was a word to describe it. She respected him more than she did any of the other people her siblings had chosen to marry and she suspected that he tolerated her more than any of his other in-laws, and from that came a dynamic that they left unspoken. Why ruin a good thing? She scoffed, shaking her head. “You can’t seriously believe that it’s completely unrelated?” She asked as her eyes met his again, searching for whether it was true or not. Sure he had a point, part of what made them who they were was hardwired into them, but their father’s death had certainly intensified things. She thought so at least. “Maybe if he’d stuck around we’d be at least a little functional...or at least we’d have each other through the dysfunction.” She closed her eyes, the index finger of her free hand coming up to smooth out the crease forming in her brow. It did no good to dwell on what ifs, she often had to remind herself of that. What was done was done, there was no changing it, and sometimes those consequences were irreversible. What good did imagining do for them? She managed to crack a smile at his confidence in her, for the first time believing him. But it was quickly replaced by the rolling of her eyes and wanting to hide in face with a pillow in embarrassment. “Some guys are just nice guys Derek,” She argued, but it was clear from the way that her eyes evaded him that she was lying. What was it with Cormac, Shepherds and elevators? She was going to start suggesting he took the stairs, before he randomly ran into her mother in one. She listened to him talk about Meredith, stuck somewhere between smiling at her brother’s happiness and making fun of him for his sappiness. “Do I get a free pass for my husband cheating on me with my sister,” She reminded him, the words still making her stomach churn but desperately needing him not to have just brushed the kiss under the rug. “I don’t know,” She said with a light shrug, her fingers almost searching something out to fidget with but finding nothing but the edge of her couch, “I think...maybe...but I’m really not good at this stuff. Even with Max.” Although wasn’t that sort of the point? Something told her that was her answer right there, but she wanted to deny it for just a little longer.

“You can call yourself a bitch all you want, but I’m not going to just stand there and let someone else call you a bitch. One, because it’s disrespectful despite the way that you seem to take pride in your position as head bitch in charge – and two, because on the spectrum of bitchy people that I’ve met, yours could also be described as being passionate, and that’s not a bad thing.” he said in between sips of his drink. “Not a fan of airports or dogs, I’ll keep that in mind - though if you end up meeting my mother there’s a very good chance that you’ll come across her little guard dog who happens to be the least threatening sausage dog in existence – his name’s Reggie.” he said, chuckling as he was sure that no one in seattle outside of Olivia and possibly Nancy, knew that. If people don’t think that you’re worth the fight, then they weren’t the right people for you,” Cormac said passively, not caring about these people who had thrown comments like that towards Kathleen, and focusing just on her. Smiling softly he looked at her and then back at the glass of water by his arm, wondering if he should say anything as pass it off as nothing, or actually answer her question, but one look at the way that she had her eyes fixed on him gave him the right answer right away. “You… and what we have is completely different, and in the best ways possible. I still feel like I’m getting to know you, but I’m not going to lie to you and say that I feel better once you walk into a room, and when we talk it’s like I’m speaking to someone who’s been through it all with me.” He just let her take as much of his food on to her plate, seeing the determination embedded into her expression, and laughing softly as he shook his head, “believe me I get proof of my excellent taste every day..” whenever she would visit him at the hospital. 

“You know as much as I love having my own personal knight in shining armour, and the sexy accent doesn’t exactly hurt that image, it’s really not necessary. I’ve been perfectly capable of taking care of myself for a very long time. I’m not an Amelia - or in your terms, an Olivia. I don’t need somebody saving me.” However, as she denied Cormac’s hypothetical help, her foot handmade its way to wrapping around his ankle under the table. “But thank you. It is sweet to have somebody who wants to defend me.” That was the downside of fighting her own battles, sometimes it felt like she had nobody in her corner. “It’s not that I’m not a fan, it’s that nobody - not even the nicest person on earth - likes picking people up from the airport or dogsitting for somebody they barely know!” She immediately had to stop the shock she was feeling at his words appearing on her face. Her fingers gripped her fork a little tighter to stop it falling from her grasp and she raised her eyebrow teasingly in hopes that it would cover how badly her eyes wanted to widen. He couldn’t have meant anything by it, she was sure, but she couldn’t help but test the waters. “Oh so I’m meeting your mother?” Her voice sounded like a sing-song, a chuckle running through it, “And tell me, will I have to pick her and Reggie up from the airport?” She kept her eyes on his, not even looking away when their gaze broke and instead patiently waiting for his to come back to hers. She could felt her cheeks flushing at his assurances, silently cursing herself for behaving like a teenage girl with her first crush and wondering how it was that Cormac always seemed to make her feel like that. Like it was all brand new. “I like it too,” She said simply, tongue darting out to lick at her lips when she paused before continuing, “You make my days a little brighter, and they do have the tendency of getting very dark so it’s not exactly an easy feat. And you might make me feel like I am not the biggest bitch in the world.” She smiled, laughed and teased when she was with him. It was like she shed the walls that she so often put up for other people and just let herself be...happy. “Funny I also have excellent taste,” From the look on her face it was clear she hadn’t meant the food in front of her, but she still pointed towards her plate and surprisingly offered, “Want some.?”

“you know kathleen, you dont have to be in control all the time.” his voice was low, but his tone mimicked that of his sister just moments ago. they were really related, werent they? kathleen had made fun of him for years for choosing to be a surgeon, a neurosurgeon at that. but if you thought about it in a different way, kathleen studied the brain the same way. she just studied what happened on the inside while he studied what happened on the outside. what kathleen knew, derek could see. “have you thought about trying to full custody?” that didnt mean that max wouldn’t be in the kids life at all, but kathleen would have a lot more control as to when and where. “i’m sure johnny would help you - “ he paused to take a sip of his beer, “or guide you to the best family lawyer he could fine.” johnny was a complicated brother in law to have, but he did come in handy more often than not. “this is your life, kathleen. dont think about what everyone else is doing. there’s nothing to compare. if you’re supposed to get through this hurdle to find whatever amazing thing is on the other side, that’s what you’re going to do.” she was strong, but even the strongest needed a little help. “you know, it’s healthy not to know. that’s hard to hear, but it is. how could life be exciting is we knew what to do all the time?” derek didnt want to push her to keep talking about it, but of course he wanted to know. “there’s no one on the world that has everything figured out, not even me.” derek took another sip of his beer before speaking once again, “what other complicated stuff?”

Kathleen narrowed her eyes, shooting a glare her brother’s way to know that his joke hadn’t been appreciated. “I don’t sound like that,” She argued childishly, taking a sip of her wine that seemed passive aggressive from the way she gripped the stem of her glass. But he was right, she should have taken her own advice. Although she never had been good at that. Her expression softened as her eyes floated back up to his. She shook her head in answer, elaborating, “No. Believe me more than anything I want them all too myself, but I can’t have them growing up without a dad. Not after us. I mean we’re all either control freaks, or drug addicts, or run away from our problems, or stick with people that cheat, or we’re so perky it hurts to look at us.” She’d pretty much hit all of their siblings at least once, and sometimes she wondered just how different things would have been if their father had just handed over that watch. That stupid watch. She cleared her throat, hoping that he handed seen the tears beginning to build before she’d had the opportunity to blink them away. “Besides, he might not have been the husband I thought he was but he’d a good dad. He loves them. He’s just going to have to step up his game now that I’m not around to catch all the little things he forgets.” She raised an eyebrow, wondering if her brother was truly obtuse to how her mind had always worked. She was always comparing herself to them, even if she’d tried convincing everybody in the world that she didn’t care beyond proving that she was the best Shepherd. “I like knowing. I like having plans and being able to check things off my to do list. I like knowing the way things are going to work out and right now I’m not sure they are.” It was hard to admit out loud, but it played into her control issues. The issues they shared. Surely he could at least see where she was coming from. “Oh believe me I know that you don’t have it figured out,” She scoffed, “Derek, you’re a mess!” Which was a little ironic coming from her at that moment. She ran her fingers through her hair, pointlessly since it just flopped back into place as she thought of how she could explain it to her brother. This wasn’t exactly something she liked talking about, especially with her family. “I’ve been seeing somebody. And it was meant to be casual but I’ve met his kids and we’ve set a date for the triplets to meet him. And I stay there a lot. And...” She cute herself off, not wanting to tell another person who wasn’t Cormac about her feelings before she had told him, “And it’s just all decidedly not very casual anymore so I’m worried that it’s too fast.” In true Kathleen form she couldn’t just leave it there, tilting her head and teasing over the rim of her wine glass, “Hey, you’re like the King of moving on too fast - what do you think?”

Kathleen sighed, pushing back into her office chair as she looked up at Charlotte. “Just a guy I did residency with. He specialises in addiction now and I thought that since everything we’ve ever tried failed maybe it was time to reach out to him.”

“It makes me feel like you’re way too far into my personal space bubble,” Kathleen eyed the other woman by her side, standing a little too close if she said so herself, “And that makes me uncomfortable.”

“Look just because I went with John to lunch doesn’t mean I like him any better than you,” Kathleen reassured Gabriela, although her tone was slightly mocking. “It was mainly so I could get all the juicy gossip, now stop pouting or I won’t tell you.”

Kathleen ran a hand through her hair, clearly exhausted and fighting to stay awake. “Apparently I’m the on call psychiatrist for the night.”

“Fine!” Kathleen all but growled out, technically keeping her word as she changed her tactic to nipping at her younger sister’s arm, “Now, why don’t you actually start being honest and tell me which one of you morons ruined my jacket.” It was like they were teenagers again, fighting in their small bedroom about trivial things. “Talk Elizabeth!”

Kathleen rolled her eyes, obviously been sarcastic as she drawled, “Oh I’m sorry would you also like me to make you some hot coco and read you a bedtime story?” She kicked her feet out from under her, leaning in and resting her elbows on her knees as she went on, “Look, you screwed up one surgery. California was there to catch it. You’ll get over the blow to your ego and you’ll learn for next time.”

“Guess I’m not as sneaky as I thought,” Kathleen chuckled, turning back around to face the Seattle view that the hospital’s roof gave as she took another drag of her cigarette. “It’s been a really long day,” She said as she waited for her friend to approach, offering out of politeness, “Want one?”

Nodding at her statement, Cormac saw no point in denying the fact that he’d been relieved she wasn’t interested in anyone else, and it seemed innocent enough of a statement to make, so he just chuckled, “Is that a bad thing?” he asked, wondering if she was really so averse to him being relieved that she wasn’t seeing anyone else. He was amused by the fact that she’d attempted to backtrack, and then backtrack again, but he didn’t need her to explain herself because he understood completely, and the fact that she seemed to be getting more flustered around him as they lingered on the subject made him really wonder if Kathleen was maybe not as far from wanting to be in a relationship or taking a step in that direction, as he’d thought. “That’s because people don’t really get to know you,” he said, glad that he’d somehow broken through her walls on the first day that they’d met. At her sharp breath, he smiled softly. “Sorry, was that a lot to put on you all at once?” he asked, before she brought up Abigail again. “No.. I don’t think that Abigail could ever be replaced either, we loved each other very much… and god, did she love the boys… but it took me a while to realize that I don’t need to find the same thing or want it - Sometimes completely different is exactly what you need. Abigail and I met when I was just starting my residency, and that feels like a lifetime ago. I don’t want another Abigail, because I’ve shared a life with my Abigail, and that was more than what most people can say they get with their partners.— I’m rambling,” he said, flushing slightly as he looked down at his plate, “My point is, I’m not going around searching for another Abigail. And what I have with y— hopefully the next person I find love with, is entirely it’s own thing. There doesn’t have to be talk of replacing her or living up to her.” He knew that as rounded as his explanation was, Kathleen would understand, but he was glad for the distraction that her fork looming over his plate gave them, “Oh very sneaky,” he retorted, unable to keep his smile at bay when she grinned at him, “What I ordered tastes better than yours, doesn’t it? You can admit it.. go on..” he teased, taking a bite from his plate to really drive his point in.

“No. Just an observation,” She tried to present it in a nonchalant manner, shrugging as though it was not big deal, when really her gut was twisting in an almost nervous excitement. Kathleen couldn’t be sure exactly what it meant, she wasn’t a mind reader no matter what her patients regularly accused her off, but she had a good idea of what it might mean. And if it did mean such a thing then she would at least be safe in knowing that when she was ready to tell Cormac how she felt then at least she wouldn’t have to worry about him rejecting her. She chewed on her own food, shaking her head and pointing her fork in his general direction before she swallowed and explained, “Oh no, no, no. Believe me I am a bitch. I’ve spent the better part of my life cultivating that image and I am not having it brought down all because I’m nice to you.” Because he was right, she’d let her usual guard drop quickly when it came to him and given him chances that she wouldn’t give to anybody else. And he hadn’t let her down yet. The smile that thought brought to her lips somewhat weakened the teasing threats that followed, “I mean it. If I start getting asked to pick people up from the airport and babysit dogs I am blaming you. And then I will be mean to you.” She wouldn’t be, she wasn’t sure she was capable of that, and if she was she was almost certain that all it would take was one flash of his smile to make her forget all about it. “No,” Yes, but not for the ways he was surely thinking, “No. I just like that you believe I’m worth it. The hassle. I know that there are some people who would disagree.” Hence the divorce, but somehow when she was sitting at lunch with him she wasn’t too worried about what her (soon-to-be ex) husband might think of her. She tilted her head as she listened to him talk about Abigail, her smile softer despite her reservations. It was clear that he’d loved his wife, as though she hadn’t known that already, and while it might have worried her to potentially enter anything deeper with him because of that love, Kathleen couldn’t help but wonder if anybody would ever talk about her like that one day. Her eyes widened slightly at his slip, her ever astute ears catching it but hoping he’d missed her own silent reaction before she’d had time to catch herself. “Am I different?” She asked, realising the perhaps not accidental implication quickly and adding, “Not that I’m saying it would be me. But what we have. Is it different?” She chuckled at his teasing, her fork now digging into her own plate when she retorted, “Well you do have excellent taste if I do say so myself...but mine’s still better. Pity I never really got the hang of the sharing thing, otherwise you could see for yourself.”

Kathleen rubbed the crease that was quickly forming between her brows. She closed her eyes, having to remind herself to breath as red quickly began to cloud her vision. “You know what I don’t need know Amelia? How my husband used to look at you.” 

Kathleen was bored. Which wasn’t something she very often had the opportunity to be on her one on call day a week at the hospital. Without her out patients there to call her back to the practice and away from consults, she usually spent her day at Seattle Grace Mercy West bouncing around the psychiatric ward, but today she’d been called down to the ER to deal with a patient with a severe fear of anything medical related...including surgery, which he was unfortunately in desperate need of given that his bladder had almost ruptured in the ambulance. She’d been paged half a hour ago, told that he was out of surgery and could be awake anytime in the next few hours - they predicted she’d be needed there to calm him down when he woke up in a hospital bed surrounded my machines and doctors. Which is exactly how she came to find herself parked on a chair in the hallway with a lap full of intern - or at least what she assumed was an intern. “Do you want to move off me?” She asked, not too politely, as she fought the urge to shove the younger man off her body.

“Cormac, how many times? I don’t need you to be my knight in shining armour!” But Kathleen’s protest was somewhat weakened by the small smile on her lips. Maybe the thought of him punching out her soon-to-be-ex was a tempting one. She threw herself back on the bed that they had been sharing on nights like these, nights when her children were at their father’s. “Besides I doubt ‘your honour, the guy she’s sleeping with broke my nose’ would do wonders for my custody case.” She let out a small laugh, tilting her head up so she could look at him. “Thank you for trying to help though.”

Kathleen smirked, clearly pleased but not surprised. She didn’t need to be told she was powerful, she felt it...still, it didn’t hurt to have it acknowledged. “Tell me, does my brother-in-law just go around letting everybody know how great I am?” She doubted it, he couldn’t even tell her how great she was, but his colleagues complimenting her was becoming a common occurrence. 

“You get that I’m a psychiatrist too, right? A better one than you. You can’t just psycho-bullshit your way into making me feel better.” It was harsh, much harsher than she needed to be when the younger man was definitely only trying to help.